The X-Factor 2011: Week Two

This week on the X-Factor, IT’S TIME to embrace your democratic rights, as the producers have deigned to give control of the show back to the public after successfully getting rid of the pregnant-contestant last week. That’s right, IT’S TIME to return to more traditional methods of manipulating the contest such as ramming Frankie down our throats, ensuring the results show goes to deadlock or changing the rules of the semi-final to favour the Chosen One. And also, as ever, IT’S TIME. TO FACE. THE MUSIC.

Dermot introduces us to tonight's theme – love and heartbreak. It’s a little less broad than last weekend’s History of Western Music theme, but it does mean we won’t be seeing Janet Devlin cover Motorhead this week. Oh well, we can only cross our fingers and hope that next week will be Metal Week.

First up is Nu Vibe... I guess that means they’re guaranteed to be in the bottom two tomorrow then. Tulisa explains in the intro video that she wasn’t happy when reviewing last week’s performance. She has something in common with the audience, then. She tries to make Nu Vibe interesting by playing up the tabloid rumours of vicious fights and ego-clashes. She fails. Nu Vibe have decided to deface U2’s With or Without You this week. Remember that awful club song that sampled With or Without You from the mid-noughties? Take Me to the Clouds Above? Remember that horror? Yeah, this is somehow worse than that. They’ve basically taken the concept of music and violently assaulted it down a dark alley. I don’t know if it’ll pull through. Judges! Louis says they’re less like Nu Vibe and more like No Vibe. Ho ho! That scamp. Kelly Rowland risks undermining the currency value of her new catchphrase when she accuses Nu Vibe of PUDDIN IT DAHN. No, Kelly. They did not. Shame on you. Gary Barlow is boring.

Next to perform is My Lovely Horse. This week, Sami’s done something to her hair that makes her look even more like Sonia From Eastenders. I keep expecting random images of Sonia and Martin to float by on-screen as she warbles along to My Heart Will Always Go On Loving You or whatever fucking ballad she’s singing that’s already been done to death fifty-three times over the eight years this show has been on-air. It isn’t exactly what you’d call Sami’s finest moment, which is a shame because she’s likeable in a young-Mary-Byrne crossed with a Shetland pony sort of way. She could be in trouble tomorrow. Judges! Kelly says Sami PUT IT DAHN. Ms K, I think your catchphrase might just be in danger of premature over-exposure. Tulisa says something inoffensive and Gary Barlow is boring.

Oh look, it’s Biscuitman and his face of emotion. This week, Biscuitman has decided to sing one of those limp Beyonce songs from her most recent album. As was the case last week, Biscuitman displays a variety of frightening and frankly bizarre facial expressions throughout the performance. I dread to think what he’s going to do to us at Halloween. The X-Factor “Style Team” have dressed Craig in a leather jacket and red trousers. Why would you do that to him, you evil fashion Nazis? Facial contortions concluded, Craig submits himself to the judges for appraisal. Louis jumps up onto the table and proceeds to do the chicken dance for 90 seconds. Or at least that’s what my brain told me happened in a bid to stop a total cerebral collapse brought on by the sound of Gary Barlow’s voice.

Next up is Janet Devlin. In her intro vid, Janet reveals she was a bit of a goth at school. Devlin does Black Sabbath could yet happen, folks. Just imagine her stomping on-stage and announcing, “I AM IRON MAN.” Janet’s intro-video also reveals that something terribly sad happened to her this week; Betty from Coronation Street died. Janet is understandably upset, but decided to perform anyway because the producers own her now. She’s just glad that Betty got to see her perform live last week during the first show. Janet sings I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You and it’s a bit cold and flat and lifeless. Dear reader, you thought I was going to use the words “cold and flat and lifeless” to segue into a joke about Betty, didn’t you? You heartless fucker. Judges! Remind us that Janet has had a tough week. Dermot! Reminds us that Janet has had a tough week. When that doesn’t reduce Janet to tears, a montage of images of Betty throughout the years flickers by on the giant screen, and the producers sit Janet into a contraption like the one from A Clockwork Orange to force her to take it all in. But she perseveres, and doesn’t cry. Exasperated, Dermot punches her in the vagina. Her eyes water, and the gods of public grief lap at the beautiful, salty tears.

Up next is Frankie, this year’s Chosen One and shit-stain on the toilet bowl of humanity. Frankie’s intro vide reveals that he’ll be singing a Colplay song but – shock – he forgot the words in rehearsals just today, and isn’t feeling confident. Yes, that’s old X-Factor chestnut of forgot-the-lyrics to create drama. In the intro-vid, we meet Frankie’ parents, H1 and N1, who are actually wearing t-shirts with Frankie’s obnoxious face and the words “Cheeky Chappie” printed on them. Proof that Frankie’s folks are as big a pair of fuckwits as their son. Frankie butchers The Scientist but doesn’t forget the words so... success? Judges! Louis thinks that Frankie has lost his swagger.Kelly Rowland balks at Louis’ use of that word and reminds him that only her people may use it, or something. I dunno, I was only half-paying attention. I was busy washing my eyes out; they start feeling a bit gritty every time Frankie’s on screen.

Johnny Robinson, the man who fell to Earth straight out of a Carry-On film, tells us all about Twitter and Kylie Minogue and how he’s going to be performing Can’t Get You Out of My Head and... words fail me. I mean... it’s just... look at the picture. LOOK AT IT. A middle-aged gay man dressed as a geisha singing Kylie Minogue ON THE MOST WATCHED SHOW IN BRITAIN. How is this happening? The entire spectacle makes last week’s performance of Cher’s Believe look like a state funeral. It is actually the campest thing to EVER happen on the X-Factor and that is saying quite a lot for a show that once had an entire episode devoted to Mariah Carey. And to top it all off, Johnny ends the performance by mouthing “VOGUE”. Utterly, utterly amazing. Judges! Crickets chirp and tumbleweed rolls by. Kelly Rowland attempts to speak several times and fails. Gary Barlow criticises the performance and says Johnny looks like something out of Aladdin. Johnny responds with “Oooh, you can rub my lamp any time, Gary”. This is actually amazing.

Back to the boys and Marcus the Gay Hairdresser, who seems like the personification of alpha male following J.Ro’s performance. Marcus will be performing Rihanna’s Russian Roulette, a song about her abusive relationship with Chris Brown. Following on from last week, I wonder can I work in a reference to Chris Brown the violent misogynist in every recap? Anyhow, Marcus is mostly good but there’s something un-engaging about him. Judges! Louis doesn’t think Marcus was very comfortable with Rihanna, like a Northern Irish farmer yelling “Cover up, you hussy” in a cold and lonely field.

Next up is Rhythmix, the girlband. Their intro-video is all about “the curse of the girlband” and the fact that all-female groups tend to do shit on the X-Factor. See last week’s recap ref: teenage girls, middle-aged mothers and gay men making up the voting demographic for this show. We get clips of Kandy Rain, Bad Lashes and Girlband, and I conclude that the only curse girlbands on this show suffer from is that they all have stupid names. Rhythmix perform reworked, urban version of Nelly Furtado’s Like a Bird. It’s surprisingly not terrible. Tulisa explains to the voters that Rythmic Kandy Girl-Lash don’t want to steal their boyfriends and that women need to stick together and stand united and deconstruct the meaning of neo-queer cisexuality in the context of ongoing attempts to broaden the contemporary scope of normative biological identities. Who knew the X-Factor would be dipping into third-wave feminism this season? A VOTE FOR RHYTHMIX IS A VOTE FOR ALL WOMEN.

Up next, is Misha Barton. You might remember Misha from being awesome last week. Misha’s intro-video is all about the “Style Team”, the horribly attired bastards responsible for dressing the contestants in the fashion excrement they’ll be wearing all season. They’re also the ones who have helped transform her from the waifish, pallid star of the OC into a fierce, strong, big-boned young black woman. It truly is the role of a lifetime, Misha reflects. This week, Misha is performing Would I Lie To You?, a song you don’t know that you know but you definitely know. It’s good but it isn’t as awesome as last week. Still, she’s probably the most watchable contestant. Not least because she’s dressed like a Quality Street this week.

Now it’s time for The Risk. In the intro video, we’re subjected to further terrible play on words that I refuse to legitimise by recapping. They’re pushing the whole “these boys are fit” angle, which seems a bit silly given only one of them is in any way shaggable. And that’s really only if you squint. They’re no Henry Cavills, anyway. Although I suppose if you put them standing on a stage with Frankie Coccozza they become the most attractive men in the country. The Risk sing Just the Way You Are, just the way Matt Cardle did last year, except not as competently. Though they’re better than Nu Vibe, obviously. Judges! Louis says that they’re a boyband, they’re all boys, and they’re in a band. Gary Barlow is fucking boring.

Following the Risk is someone called Sophie. Who? Habibis? Oh! Sophie Habibis! The one with the memorable surname and unforgettable everything else. Hilariously, in her intro-video Dull Sophie discusses the fact that no one knows who she is. Tonight, Dull Sophie will be singing the Twinings Advert version of Wherever You Will Go. Its such a word-for-word appropriation that Dull Sophie even pronounces her Rs oddly to better match Charlene Soraia’s “Whewevw you wiw go” inflections. This song is so re-entering the charts. What was I talking about? Sophie? Oh yeah. Sophie. Er, it’s pleasant enough I guess. Assuming it actually happened and I didn’t briefly fall asleep and imagine it.

Closing the show tonight is the modest and ever humble Kitty Brucknell. Kitty’s video is all about what a martyr Kitty is for bullied children everywhere, or something. Shut up, Kitty. When you talk you make people hate you and I need you to stay on this show for as long as possible. Just stay quiet when you’re not performing. Tonight, Kitty is performing an Alice-in-Wonderland themed version of It’s Oh So Quiet, complete with Mad Hatter and PERSON IN MAD MARCH HARE COSTUME. Let me just remind you, that on tonight’s X-Factor we’ve had a person dressed as a hare, an actress from The OC masquerading as a black girl, a gay-sha singing Kylie Minogue, a horse with a fringe singing Whitney Huston and a fat bloke from a biscuit factory making faces in red trousers. This is truly the greatest show on Earth. Anyhow, Kitty is amazing and the judges agree and she wins the show.

Join us tomorrow when Kitty is crowned the new Queen of England by the Pope, and special guests “The Wanted” and “Katy” “Perry” rape our ears. Fingers crossed for a horrendous group song, too. I felt robbed last week.