The X-Factor 2011: Week 3 - THE RESULTS

LAST NIGHT! WAS ROCK NIGHT! Voiceover Man reminds us. So the acts decided to sing from the back catalogues of such rock luminaries as Kesha, Gnarls Barkley, S Club 7 and The Wombles. Generally, it was the biggest sham of a theme since... well, since last week. 

Dermot O’Leary appears on-stage, disappointly fully-clothed, and says it’s very tight at the bottom. Somewhere backstage, Johnny Robinson’s innuendo-sense went through the roof. There’s no horrendous group-song this week, alas. Maybe they’ve decided to only do them every fortnight, as it is simply too dangerous to have them more often than that due to the risk of the audience’s brains erupting into flames from the sheer horror of it all. So we’re straight on to our first guest of the night with something to promote, Ms Kelly Clarkson and her massive hips. Kelly is singing her new song, Mr Know It All, which is all about being a feisty lady and not taking any guff from the man or the press. Just like half of her other songs then. Kelly has decided to take a page out of the Sami Brookes fashion catalogue and is wearing a dress that is about three sizes too small. I’m not kidding about the massive hips. If Treyc Cohen and her Massive Arse from last year’s show came back and had an arse-off with Kelly, I think Kelly’d win.

Never-ending recap interspersed with backstage footage time! Marcus Collins got ten out of ten from Louis Walsh! Louis gave a hot young gay boy full marks? Imagine that. Louis actually repeats his critique of Marcus from last night – “He smiles. He sings.” Wow. Eight years as a judge on this show, people! Sami hoping to turn back time; Rhythmix being shit, et cetera, et cetera. There’s someone called Sophie in the recap too. Was there a wildcard episode and I missed it or something? Who is this girl? After Tulisa accused her of being a cunt, Misha sauntered backstage to give her reaction: “What happens backstage should stay backstage.” She then proceeds to punch a pregnant sound engineer in the womb while screaming “I AM NOT A BITCH” while the evil fashion Nazis of the Style Team watch on approvingly.

We’re following the multiple Platinum, two-time Grammy and 12-time Billboard Music award winner Kelly Clarkson with... Professor Green. Professor Green accompanied by Emily Sandé, as Voiceover Man kindly and laboriously tells us. I think that by featuring scumbag white rap this week, they’re just softening us up for Cher Lloyd next week. Frankly, she’s going to appear like some sort of musical genius compared to this. It’s a lot like what you’d expect from a Ukrainian Eurovision entry from the early 2000s, when Linkin Park briefly popularised the combination of rap with angsty, melodramatic singing until the world realised that it was simply appalling. 

Almost there, just one more special guest to go. Oh lovely, it’s professional annoying twat Bruno Mars. I’ve always thought that Bruno looks like a transsexual Michael Jackson. We can’t actually hear a word that he’s singing, because either the microphone is broken, or Bruno’s ego exudes an electro-magnetic pulse that shut down the equipment around him. Or perhaps Misha has been bullying a sound engineer too and this is his desperate cry for help. As we can’t appreciate Mr Snicker’s singing, we’ll just have to be entertained by watching Kelly Rowland dance around and holler in excitement instead. Bruno busts some impressive dance-moves, along with his slightly less-impressive backing dancers, who have been told that if they come anywhere near upstaging Bruno they’ll be shot. It goes on forever. No, really.  I had my dinner, made a cheesecake for dessert, scrapped it when I realised I’d used the Garlic and Herb Philadelphia by accident, made another one with proper Philly, ate it and did the washing up in the time it takes Bruno to conclude his performance. Yawn.

OH FORTUNA! It’s finally time for the results at last. Marcus is safe. Awww, he’s so cute. Bitcha is next. To celebrate getting through, she’s going to twitter-bomb the youngest member of Rhythmic Kandy Girl-Lash with obscenities. Speaking of, the little girlband that could have defied the X-Factor curse for another week. Johnny is safe, as are Janet and Biscuitman. FRANKIE the enormous dripping, diseased cunt, is safe and the audience boo loudly. Oh British public, you fools. The producers are just going to take his survival as a ringing endorsement of the new Bad Boy persona and kick it up several notches for next week. Mark my words, next week’s intro video is going to push the Pete Doherty Lite agenda even further and we’ll be treated to footage of Frankie blowing a dealer in Camden to score some heroin. The Risk are safe, leaving Kitty and Sami in the sing-off. This is the biggest injustice ever. Even Nelson Mandela thinks so.

Sami the Horse clipity-clops on-stage to perform first. Her last performance is going to be an act of defiance, as she proudly proclaims her humanity by singing You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman Who Is Not a Horse. It’s vocally pretty good. Midway through the performance, Kitty barges on-stage with a semi-automatic rifle and several hostages in order to perform Lady Gaga’s Edge of Glory in the style of her original audition. Just like back in the first show of the series, Kitty forgets to enunciate, so it ends up sounding more like she’s on the Hedge of Laurie. Who is Laurie? And why are you on her hedge? Is Laurie the plain girl who isn’t Janet or Misha? This is so confusing! Kitty attempts to end her performance by scrunching up her face in an approximation of crying, but it’s somewhat difficult to be convinced when there isn’t a single tear to be seen.

Judges! Gary was impressed with both ladies but decides to send Sami home. Kelly also says that it’s time to send Sami to the glue factory. Cut to Kitty, who has again appears to be both bereft and distraught WITHOUT A SINGLE TEAR. I love you, Kitty. Tulisa decides to be contrary and votes to send Kitty home. Dermot informs us that Louis can opt for Sami and send her home, opt for Kitty and go to deadlock, or opt for neither, in which case X-FACTOR PRECEDENT stipulates that the act with the majority vote thus far will be set home. X-Factor precedent? See how you’re still causing trouble without even being on the show, Cheryl Cole, you racially violent thug? As we all know from previous series, Louis loves nothing more than a good old-fashioned deadlock, but in a shock twist, he actually decides to make a decision and sends Sami home. Chin up, Sami, there’s always the Grand National. 

Join us next week for classical music night, when the contestants will be performing such symphonic favourites as Metallica’s Master of Puppets, Tom Jones’s It’s Not Unusual and Black Lace’s Agadoo.