The X-Factor 2011: The Semi Final Results Show

 Next week! Is the X-Factor final! At WEM-BULL-EE ARENA! And you decide who gets there! I can’t believe I only have two more days of Voiceover Man in my life until he goes into hibernation again. Anyway, before we get to the FUCKING FOUR HOUR FINAL NEXT WEEKEND, which will probably kill me, we have to make it through the rest of this mess. Dermot informs us that four contestants remain and one will depart. Unless the rules change in the next 20 minutes, that is. Then he spends 30 minutes going through the various different ways of voting, and then a further 90 minutes chanting the phone numbers at us. Oh, and the Charity Single is number one. Who would have guessed, what with the promotional juggernaut of this show behind it. Then there’s a horrendous group song of some number that I’ve never heard before. Apparently, it’s from the film Bridesmaids so I guess it’ll be familiar to the show’s voter demographic of middle aged women and gays.

Interminable recap with occasional bits of backstage nonsense time! Unfortunately the backstage nonsense is completely and utterly boring so let’s ignore it and the entire recap. Oh god, they’re doing awkward live backstage banter between Dermot and the contestants again. Marcus has a rumbly in his tummy! Amelia is the comeback kid! Misha can’t interview for fuck. People from South Shields can’t speak English! The end.

Next up is Justin Bieber.

Following that, is devout Christian Kelly Rowland, singing one of her many, many songs about casual sex. Well, actually, it’s a medley of When Love Takes Over, Dahn For Whutevah and about two seconds of Commander. It’s not the worst performance ever (that honour still belongs to Nicole Sherznger. Both times.) but when you’ve managed to make Cheryl Cole’s performances look good you’re probably doing something wrong. Then again, she sings live, which is more than the Colester ever managed, so maybe it’s a draw. The performance amounts to Learn How To Strip With Ms K. About halfway through she ends up in her underwear, and by the end I was 95% certain the tit-top would come off and she’d finish the performance with some tassles. Dermot arrives for the post-performance interview and doesn’t know where to look at the mostly naked Ms Rowland. Into her eyes, Dermot. Look into her eyes. Kelly implores us to buy her album because she just did a striptease on live television and doesn’t want it to have been for nothing. 

Drawn out results time! We have to sit through videos explaining why each of the contestants wants to make it to the final and why their mentors are proud of them. Just in case you weren’t paying attention to any of the intro-videos over the last 9 weeks. Actual results time! The first act through to next week’s FUCKING FOUR FUCKING HOUR FUCKING LONG FUCKING FINAL is Little Mix. Next through is Marcus. It’s between Amelia and Misha. Unsurprisingly, the girl leaving the competition is the one who has been in the bottom two nearly every second week. Misha B is out and she’s surprisingly humble and grateful about it, which just means that when she eventually does explode, it’s going to be spectacular. She should join Kitty in her crusade to hunt down everyone in Britain who didn’t vote for her. Backstage, Little Mix breathe a massive sigh of relief. For the first time in 9 weeks they can open their cupboards without fear of finding a used tampon inside.

And that’s that. Next week’s finale will be taking place live from Wembley Arena. Given how smoothly the outside-the-studio broadcasts have been in previous finals (disembodied voice of Stacey Solomon, anyone?) I’m sure moving the entire show off-site will work out wonderfully. We can look forward to a plethora of SyCo acts and special guests with absolutely nothing to promote, who are only there out of the goodness of their hearts.

The X-Factor 2011: The Semi Finals

It’s Semi-Final Time! To disgrace! The music! The X-Factor semi-final is like the opposite of the petit mort. Instead of the feeling of dread ennui after AFTER the big finish, with this show it happens right before. This is my way of saying that the X-Factor semi-final is usually a thunderous letdown the week before the spectacle and outrageous hyperbole of the grand final. Last year’s was better than most, what with the sudden and unexpected rule-change to ensure Cher Lloyd made it into the final over Tesco Mary, all the better to legitimately advertise the former as X-FACTOR FINALIST. The only way this one could hope to take that travesty on would be if they changed the rules to state that ejected contestants now win the show this year and then crowned Frankie automatic champion. But I digress. Look, there’s Dermot dancing terribly!

Dermot clearly and definitively states that the contestant with the fewest votes will be eliminated tomorrow night, and that the Judge’s will have no say in it whatsoever. That means they’re definitely bringing back Frankie and Biscuitman and ejecting all the other contestants. This week’s themes are “Motown”, because they want Misha B in the final (that’s okay, for once the wishes of the producers and my own are in concord) and The Song That’ll Get Me Into The Final, which obviously means just about anything. Oh, if only Janet were still in the competition. She could’ve finally sang Slipknot. Or just stood on stage in a boiler suit looking confused having forgotten the lyrics.

Misha B is up first. Her intro-video is one of those “let’s ignore the fact she was in the bottom two last week” ones where they try to make the contestant seem super-cheerful and determined to pick herself up and carry on as normal, as opposed to violently thumping anyone who looked at her crossways in the reproductive organs, which is what actually happened. Misha is so happy to still be in the competition and make a go of it! She definitely didn’t force a random production assistant to abort her foetus in an act of atavistic vengeance. Misha also had the opportunity to meet Justin Bieber this week, and she took the chance to bully him on account of his massive vagina. Misha is singing Dancing in the Street while lines of Matrix-style code run up and down the screen behind her. I’m not sure what this staging is meant to represent. Maybe someone uploaded Rebecca Ferguson into the staging software? Misha is wearing a terrible wig this week because she’s ashamed of her Afro-Caribbean heritage and wishes she had straight Caucasian hair. That’s the root of her desire to bully. It all comes down to hair. JUDGES! Louis Walsh’s contribution amounts to “You’re Misha B. You’re in the semi-final. The theme is Motown.” I don’t know Louis stating the fucking obvious surprises me at this stage. It’s what he’s has been doing all series along. Tulisa reckons that performance will get Misha through the final. That means she’s gone tomorrow, then.

Kelly Rowland is too busy pondering potential solutions to the eurozone fiscal crisis and almost forgets to introduce her act. She barely recovers by saying “Oh! Ah ain’t ready for mah grrl! It’s Kathleen Slater!” Nice save. Amelia’s intro-reel features her wearing a leopard print headband with kitty ears. AS a result, I am blind to any other details in her VT. There may have been some guff about how her life has changed since rejoining the show (number 1 charity single, performing with international superstars/musical ingénues JLS and One Dimension, being able to afford designer earrings for her good friend Pat Butcher, etc.). Amelia’s singing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, a song that’s all about the singer’s useless attempts to escape from the X-Factor contestant’s water-tight, give-us-your-firstborn contract. Amelia’s dancers are all wearing tartan for some inexplicable reason. I’ve always felt that nothing says Motown more than tartan. They’re also doing that “I AM SO ENTHUSED” face that dancers do when they’re acting or interpreting or whatever the fuck it’s called when dancers are playing out a scene and it’s completely fucking fake and makes me want to kill them all. Amelia has a two-tiered mini-stage that her tartan-fags help her off halfway through the performance so she can jog about the stage hyperactively while the dancers continue to make those fucking faces. Right, I’ve decided that next year’s charity single needs to be dedicated to helping backing dancers recover from the scourge of Dancer Face. Or just use the funds to ship them off to the Dignitas clinic. One or the other. JUDGES! Louis says the Amelia totally killed that Motown classic. The wake takes place next Wednesday. Dancers not welcome.

Little Kandy Girl-Lash are up next. Remember last week, when the muffins channelled the emotions and sadness of every young girl who had ever been bullied into Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful? Well, it turns out that those were HAPPY TEARS. That’s right, Little Mix are actually emotional vampires who feed on the negative feelings of others. Especially Pick ‘n’ Mix. This week the girls went to the premiere of Hugo, presumably so they could feed on the disappointment of the critics present when they found out that Martin Scoreses’s latest film is for children. Charles and Camilla were also at the premiere. Perhaps they should replace Kelly Rowland and Gary Barlow on the judging panel next year. Put it dahn! Little Mix are performing from atop a plinth that’s taller than the one Amelia had and has more lights and colours. The winner of this year’s show shall be the contestant with the most elaborate use of plinth, I think. I feel this year’s choreography genius, whoever the fuck he is, has overused the concept of the plinth and made it meaningless. I mean, last year if there was a plinth on stage, you knew that One Direction were going to try to connect emotionally with a ballad, and fail hilariously. Or that Rebeccabot needed to charge her batteries on-stage. But this year we’ve had plinths ahoy. Brian Friedman understood how to give the public just a little bit of plinth to keep them wanting more. Now I’m disillusioned with plinth. To be honest I wouldn’t care if I never saw a plinth again. Oh, the song? The girls are singing You Keep Me Hanging On by the Supremes. Mixed Race does a Janet Devlin and forgets her words at one point. You wouldn’t think this would be so bad with a girl band but unfortunately they’ve decided to approach this song with a series of solos in a variety of different styles suited to each individual voice that don’t exactly mesh together well. So yes, it’s rather noticeable. And the whole thing is a basically a wall of incoherent noise. JUDGES! Louis opines that the girls have lost their Mojo, presumably an invisible fifth member of the group who helps them with their harmonies. Kelly says they’ve done better, and when Gary suggests they should focus more on Myxomatosis on lead vocals, Kelly agrees: “In a girl group there’s always a lead singer. She so thinks that she was the lead singer of Destiny’s Child. 

Marcus and his lovely cheekbones are up next. In his VT he talks about how much fun making the video for the charity single was. The clip accompanying this statement consists of people throwing leaves at Marcus while he mimes. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box, is he? Robbie Williams randomly shows up to demand to be the centre of attention for a few minutes, as he is contractually obligated to do on every single series of this show. Marcus is singing My Girl. Gay Marcus is singing My Girl. Accompanied by the faggiest backing dancers ever. Marcus is also performing on a plinth. I’m voting for the plinth to win this show. Aside from some glory-noting and showboating, it’s probably the best he’s been in weeks. Which means it isn’t horrendous dross, at least. JUDGES! Marcus stands there and smiles gormlessly with his lovely cheekbones as the judges throw compliments at him. Kelly has momentarily forgotten that Marcus is a big flamer and flirts with him. Louis has momentarily forgotten that Marcus is 40 years younger than he is and flirts with him. Be careful in the lavatory later on, Marcus.

MISHA AGAAIN. The theme of her second intro video is Misha’s Journey So Far. It just recaps everything you already know and its basically what you’d imagine an intro-video would look like if Louis Walsh wrote the brief for it; you’re Misha B. You auditioned. You went to Boot Camp. You went to Kelly’s “home” and met Jennifer Hudson and tweeted “omg u look so fab – the bereavement diet is amazing” at her. You’re on the Live Shows. Next week is the final. Yep, definitely written by Louis. The song Misha has chosen to get her into the final is a more-ballady version of Pink’s Fucking Perfect, except without the naughty words. This is a huge disappointment. I was hoping that the song Misha B used to get to the final would be a cover of Missy Elliot’s She’s a Bitch, replacing all punctuation marks with Misha Evil Laughs. That would be amazing. Considering all signs point to Misha going home tomorrow night, it’s a shame that her last performance is something as completely neutered as this. Punch someone in the face while wearing a dress made from Heat magazines and dishwasher parts, Misha, please! JUDGES! Louis says she’s a major talent and should never be in the bottom two. I think it’s a bit late for that, Louis. Tulisa uses the words connect in a lot of different combinations and doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense. I think she must’ve signed a deal with Microsoft and misunderstand the part where they stipulated “We’ll give you £500 every time you say the word Kinect”. Gary Barlow decides to dredge up bullygate. What he says amounts to “Tulisa is a lying cunt and it ruined your chances in this competition.”

Kat Slater is up next. Before the competition she was a normal 17 year old girl, aside from the Progeria that makes her look about 30. Her intro video follows the same pattern as Misha’s although it’s slightly less rigid and includes a diversion into Kelly giving Amelia some advice and calling her a pro.I guess Louis wrote the script again and then someone actually proofread it. Amelia’s song to get her into the finale is the jingle from the Bodyform ad. “Whoooooa bodyform” she thunders, “Bodyformed for YOOOOOOU”. But not really. Kelly’s advice to Amelia was to be more upbeat and positive, so she’s decided to sing Avril Lavigne’s dreary ballad I’m With You. I can’t ever hear this song without being reminded of the stupid video with Avril standing in the snow wearing ¾ length pants. WHO WEARS ¾ LENGTH PANTS IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER? A total PUNK like Avril, that’s who. God, that pop-punk mess of the early-mid 2000s was a scary time. The staging for Amelia’s performance involves a plinth, of course, suspending Amelia in front of a huge black hole. I have no idea what it’s meant to mean. Maybe Not-Bran-Friedman, as I shall call whoever is responsible for the choreography and staging this year, got a new screensaver and wanted to show it off. I do wish they had introduced us to the bastard responsible for the performances this year, actually. It’s hard to hate someone without a face to put to the interpretive dance concepts that enthral millions each week. That’s why I really appreciate the screen time they gave to the fashion Nazis in Style Team™. Personally, I think the black hole represents the yawning chasm in Gary Barlow’s soul where normal people keep things like empathy and understanding. JUDGES! Louis pleads with Kelly, “She has to be in the final!” I don’t think it’s Kelly’s decision, Louis. Tulisa says that I’m With You is one of the best songs ever. Please remember that Tulisa is 22 years old. Gary Barlow decides Amelia is smiling too much so he decides to tear her apart for being “shouty”. Has he never seen Eastenders? That’s just how they speak in Walford! The way Amelia thanks Gary for his criticism has an underlying subtext of “I’m going to run you down when I see you in the car park.”  Kelly applauds Amelia on her beautiful pipes. Kelly has full body CT scans of all of her girls, and likes to let them know which of their internal organs are the prettiest.

Marcus is next and his VT is about the gay old time he had at the hairdressing awards. Given the fabulous subject matter, I guess Louis wrote this one too. Marcus explains how Gary has become a father to him, replacing the absent one who missed out on his childhood and in doing so ensured he would become a homosexual. As you can imagine, this intro video about hair-dressing awards (which Jonathan Ross appears to have presented, for some reason... I guess the hair industry is much more powerful than I had anticipated. Maybe they can save the Euro.) is the most fascinating thing ever. Moving swiftly on before we all fall into a boredom-induced coma, Marcus has decided that the song to get him into the final is a limp and rather hollow performance of the Jackson 5’s Can You Feel It? Marcus is performing from a plinth, of course, but his plinth DESCENDS FROM THE CEILING, which I think means the producers want him to win. I mean, none of the other contestants were gifted with a sky-borne plinth. The song starts out all flat and weird. Maybe it’s the thin air high above the audience on Sky-Plinth. He’s wearing a leather outfit that’s been put together using just 20% of the leather that Sami Brookes wore for her ill-advised attempt at singing a Cher song during Everyone Wears Leather For Some Reason night back in Week 3. JUDGES! They all thought it was a bit lacking, except for Barlow who thought it was the best thing ever. 

Closing the show is Little Mix. Last week, the intro reel informs us, they got to meet Jessie J again after she helped put the group together at Judge’s Houses! Insert clip of Jessie J having no idea who any of them are and barking something about feeling the music and being credible or some such shit. Get a haircut, Jessie! This time last year, Pick ‘n’ Mix was working in a bar, where she was employed to eat all the peanuts on the floor at the end of the night. Her appraisals were always very positive. Myxomatosis, meanwhile, had just finished college and was wondering what she would do with her life, while Mixed Race worked at Pizza Hut. We’re not told what Mixed Up and her little vole face used to do for a living this time last year, so I’m assuming she was either dole-scum or a model for some of Sylvanian Families rodent people. The girls remind us all that they’re SISTUHS and really love one another and then Pick ‘n’ Mix starts crying AGAIN. She is now officially the most leaky-eyed contestant since Leona “Cried Every Week” Lewis. I’m a bit chubby! Waaaaaah. I’m being bullied by Misha! Waaaaaah. Misha’s stopped bullying me! Waaaaaah. Where’s my Doritos? Waaaaaah. The girls are singing If I Were a Boy. Again, they all get extended solo bits, including Mixed Up Rat Girl, who may be about to topple Pick ‘n’ Mix as my favourite. And it takes a LOT of leverage to topple her. Rat Girl just looks so sneaky. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a utility belt full of smoke bombs, just in case she ever needs to make a quick getaway. She’s probably the one who forced Frankie to snort those 58 lines of cocaine from the Bulgarian prostitute’s backside and told the paparazzi. Mixed Race doesn’t forget her lines this time, which is nice. The performance is equal parts atrocious and decent, but there are no plinths involved so I think they could be in trouble. JUDGES! Louis compares Little Mix to Girls Aloud and the Sugababes. I’m going to assume it’s meant to be a compliment. Kelly says that when they find their dynamic they’ll change the world. No, really. Kelly actually said that Little Mix will change the world. Are they going to stumble upon the cure for AIDS while writing lyrics for their second album or something? Barlow says they were shit and should be ashamed of themselves for bring such weak vocals to the final, and that if they’re in the final next week and sing that badly, he’s going to shoot himself live on air. A slightly deranged Tulisa breaks the Judging Table in half as she passionately beats it with her fist while imploring the public to vote. HIGH WYCOMBE MUST VOTE. That crucial High Wycombe vote is make or break for politicians, referenda and reality TV show girl bands.

Performances over, Dermot reminds us what we have to look forward to on tomorrow’s results show: performances from Justin Bieber (oh dear) and Kelly Rowland (oh very dear). There’s an unending recap of tonight’s performances and a bit of shameless cross promotion with I’m A Fucking Has-Been Who Stretches the Definition of the Word Celebrity Into Meaninglessness, Get Me Out of Here before the show’s over and we can all clench our anuses in anticipation of the excitement that will be the semi-final results show.