From the Dusty Corners 2

Number Two in our series of unfinished symphonies concerns my fictionalisation of the creatures I encountered on the bus before I obtained a chauffeur (i.e. my unemployed mother). Alas there are no pictures for this one so move along if you can't read blogs that don't have bad photoshopping accompanying them.

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I’ve been getting the bus to work for a long time now, and in that time, I’ve come to know and love the regular passengers of route 308 as though they were kin of mine. I’ve also alleviated early morning boredom by building up complex back-stories for each and every one of them, which I am pleased to share.

UL Engineering Nerds: Or maybe they study mathsology. Or physics. I can’t be certain, as I base this assumption purely on half-glimpsed notes they quickly rummage through at exam-time. As a former Arts student, anything that involves a diagram is inevitably a Hard Science as far as I’m concerned. This duo can most often be found swapping tales about their modules, and various problems they endured before invariably coming up trumps. Often they will also discuss horror films, Xbox Live or Downloading Things Before They Have Aired Here, As Though That Makes Them Special. There is a deep-seated tension at the heart of their interaction, as their tales generally involve one trying to one-up the other, whether it be academically, through the number of episodes of The Walking Dead they watched in one night, or via the classic Irish medium of “I was so slaughtered last night that I...”. This tension originates from one enchanted evening where, after several sweet Sherries, one dropped the hand on the other, who immediately recoiled but upon later reflection sorta wishes it would happen again, causing instability in the power dynamic of their relationship that fuels their insecure competitive conversations.

Make-up Lady: Make-up Lady spends the duration of her bus journey deftly applying various ointments, potions and chemical marvels to her visage, and leaves the bus looking about 10 years younger and twice as colourful, with not a smudge to be seen. She has perfected her art over many years, practicing on roller-coasters and the backs of donkeys going up hills until reaching her current level of perfect accuracy. Her routine betrays her personal dissatisfaction with life and a desperate sense of helplessness – her husband is an alcoholic in and out of rehabilitation programmes, while her children have left for Australia and Canada, leaving her with a sense of powerlessness that she struggles to gain some sense of control over through her daily ritual.

The Polish Women: Twenty-something Mjykra and middle-aged sourpuss Kytrvna, though poles apart in age, are Poles united in the face of oppression. Giggling gleefully through their journey, their friendship stretches back through several years of hard graft at the University of Limerick, where they probably work as cleaners. Initially hostile to one another, due to the fact the Mjykra’s mother Slwtrna is from the Vlyvy region and Kytrvna, with her broad shoulders, heterochromatic eyes and wiry hair, was clearly from the rival area of Ytwvsty; the women forged a bond in the heat of terror when Mjykra saved Kytrvna from the advances of their lecherous employer. Blinding him with a blast of Cif to the eyes, then bludgeoning him to death with the handle of a broom, the ladies spent the next few days slowly dissolving his corpse in a wheelie-bin filled with a potent mixture of cleaning products, then dumped the crimson gloop that remained into the Shannon, causing the deaths of dozens of innocent salmon. Regional rivalries fade away quickly when you’ve killed together – the bond between these two women shall last a lifetime.

Denis the Off-Road Forty-something: Forty-something Denis uses public transport out of necessity, having been put off the roads for 3 years following a drink driving incident. Desperate to avoid the shame of anyone finding out, Denis has convinced the neighbours that he walks to work these days in order to keep fit. 

*ends abruptly*

From the Dusty Corners 1

While clearing out the hard drive of my old laptop, I stumbled across some blog posts that never made it, because they were shit, which I know share because what's the use of them gathering digital dust, eh?

This first one was about Glee, but then I realised that Glee is about as relevant any more as the Harlem Shake, so it was abandoned. But now here it is for posterity!

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Glee, the most objectively awful thing on television, has been renewed for a further two seasons. It seems that even though it’s been haemorrhaging viewers this year, it still remains one of Fox’s most profitable shows, probably because of all the iTunes releases, compilation albums and tours. Not to mention that the cast is primarily made up of cookie-cutter Disney Channel cloning-vat rejects who probably aren’t paid all that well. So in the interests of helping Fox out, I’ve come up with some ideas that might help them keep the show afloat even beyond the next two years.

More Kurt

The show needs more storylines based around the life of Blessed Martyr Kurt, patron saint of gay. Indeed, ratings were at their high point when almost every episode revolved around the trials and tribulations of being Kurt. That wasn’t a coincidence, it was clearly because people love watching an unreasonable, self-important, whining ninny prostrate himself for the cause of being the only gay in the village (although just about everyone is gay or bi in Lima these days, but let’s ignore that because Kurt). The show needs more simpering self indulgent mewling from Kurt if it wants to engage viewers for another two years, and reclaim the glory days…

New Reality TV Show Spinoff

We’ve already had one of these. The Glee Project, which ran for two seasons, aimed to extend the show’s brand by searching for new cast members to join the show. Participants had to take part in show-inspired trials such as undermining the agency of people with Down’s Syndrome, finding thinly veiled reasons to get Chord Overstreet shirtless, or delivering a robustly argued theses on which celebrity they’d like to stunt-cast and in what role. At the end of each episode, producer Ryan Murphy delivered a homily paying tribute to the eliminated contestants and trying to pretend he hadn’t made up his mind about who was going to win long before the cameras even started rolling on episode one.

But the Glee Project clearly worked. After all, it gave us such unforgettable characters as Finn 2.0; a transgendered character named “Unique” (no, really) and (someone else). Unfortunately, the Glee Project has now been axed, probably because it was just too wonderful to continue (there can only be so much joy in the world at any one time, otherwise we’d all erupt into spontaneous orgasm and the gears of industry would grind to a sticky halt). But why not replace it with some new reality TV spinoffs that take the brand in new and exciting directions? Perhaps a fly-on-the-wall series following Cory Monteith as he battles addiction and goes through rehab. Called 12 Steps, each episode could conclude with Cory singing a Steps song relevant to his journey to sobriety. Chord Overstreet could lead us through a countdown of America’s 50 Most Ridiculous Names. Or if the idea of creating a new premise for a show is too daunting, why not cross over into existing reality concepts? Santana Lopez could get a kickin’ tat on an episode of Miami Ink. Artie has overcome many challenges as a disabled teen in High School, but how would he fare on the high seas for A Very Special Episode of Deadliest Catch?

More Topical Issues

Glee has already given us its take on hot-button issues like school shootings, weddings that revolve around telling everyone how amazing your gay son is, and teen pregnancy. The show should move on to harder hitting, more intense topical issues to expand its audience. I suggest the show consider doing episodes focusing on the radicalisation of Islamic youth (feat. The songs of Cat Stevens, and the Vengaboys’ Boom Boom Boom), the folly of sexting (see also: excuses to get Chord Overstreet shirtless)

Expand the Characters You Already Have

Tina Chang has been on the show since Season 1. Perhaps in the show’s remaining two years, the writers could explore her character further by allowing her to have more than one line per episode?

*ends abruptly*