This first one was about Glee, but then I realised that Glee is about as relevant any more as the Harlem Shake, so it was abandoned. But now here it is for posterity!
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Glee, the most objectively awful thing on television, has
been renewed for a further two seasons. It seems that even though it’s been
haemorrhaging viewers this year, it still remains one of Fox’s most profitable
shows, probably because of all the iTunes releases, compilation albums and
tours. Not to mention that the cast is primarily made up of cookie-cutter
Disney Channel cloning-vat rejects who probably aren’t paid all that well. So
in the interests of helping Fox out, I’ve come up with some ideas that might
help them keep the show afloat even beyond the next two years.
The show needs more storylines based around the life of
Blessed Martyr Kurt, patron saint of gay. Indeed, ratings were at their high
point when almost every episode revolved around the trials and tribulations of being
Kurt. That wasn’t a coincidence, it was clearly because people love watching an
unreasonable, self-important, whining ninny prostrate himself for the cause of
being the only gay in the village (although just about everyone is gay or bi in
Lima these days, but let’s ignore that because Kurt). The show needs more
simpering self indulgent mewling from Kurt if it wants to engage viewers for
another two years, and reclaim the glory days…
New Reality TV Show Spinoff
We’ve already had one of these. The Glee Project, which ran
for two seasons, aimed to extend the show’s brand by searching for new cast
members to join the show. Participants had to take part in show-inspired trials
such as undermining the agency of people with Down’s Syndrome, finding thinly
veiled reasons to get Chord Overstreet shirtless, or delivering a robustly
argued theses on which celebrity they’d like to stunt-cast and in what role. At
the end of each episode, producer Ryan Murphy delivered a homily paying tribute
to the eliminated contestants and trying to pretend he hadn’t made up his mind
about who was going to win long before the cameras even started rolling on
episode one.
But the Glee Project clearly worked. After all, it gave us
such unforgettable characters as Finn 2.0; a transgendered character named
“Unique” (no, really) and (someone else). Unfortunately, the Glee Project has
now been axed, probably because it was just too wonderful to continue (there
can only be so much joy in the world at any one time, otherwise we’d all erupt
into spontaneous orgasm and the gears of industry would grind to a sticky halt).
But why not replace it with some new reality TV spinoffs that take the brand in
new and exciting directions? Perhaps a fly-on-the-wall series following Cory
Monteith as he battles addiction and goes through rehab. Called 12 Steps, each
episode could conclude with Cory singing a Steps song relevant to his journey
to sobriety. Chord Overstreet could lead us through a countdown of America’s 50
Most Ridiculous Names. Or if the idea of creating a new premise for a show is
too daunting, why not cross over into existing reality concepts? Santana Lopez could
get a kickin’ tat on an episode of Miami Ink. Artie has overcome many
challenges as a disabled teen in High School, but how would he fare on the high
seas for A Very Special Episode of Deadliest Catch?
More Topical Issues
Glee has already given us its take on hot-button issues like
school shootings, weddings that revolve around telling everyone how amazing
your gay son is, and teen pregnancy. The show should move on to harder hitting,
more intense topical issues to expand its audience. I suggest the show consider
doing episodes focusing on the radicalisation of Islamic youth (feat. The songs
of Cat Stevens, and the Vengaboys’ Boom Boom Boom), the folly of sexting (see also:
excuses to get Chord Overstreet shirtless)
Expand the Characters You Already Have
Tina Chang has been on the show since Season 1. Perhaps in
the show’s remaining two years, the writers could explore her character further
by allowing her to have more than one line per episode?
*ends abruptly*
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