The Year In Music Part 1

The year began with the X-Factor’s answer to Michael Bublé, Leon Jackon (a man so watered down that he’s practically a homeopathic remedy) astride the charts in both the UK and Ireland like some sort of Scottish Colossus of Rhodes. The year ended with the X-Factor’s answer to Leona Lewis (wait…) in a similar position. Here’s what happened in between:

January
-January was a pretty bad month for music. Scouting for Girls strummed their way to the top of the album charts with their lacklustre album of the same name, proving once and for all that “indie”, now the catch-all term for any bunch of twenty something young men with tousled hair, an acoustic guitar and a penchant for self indulgent angst, was the new pop. Further spitting upon the fetid corpse of music was Basshunter’s ascent to the top of the singles chart for a good few weeks, no doubt helped along a wee bit by the mini controversy surrounding the fact that there were pictures of his cock on the internet.

-January also saw a musical odyssey that had been running throughout the previous year reach its crescendo, as Britney Spears was hospitalised for being a few ballads short of a mixtape after barricading herself into her home with her children Billy-Bob and Sheldon-Wesley. Following this incident Papa Spears was given control of his daughter’s life, and her slow descent into self-destruction was abated by his influence and a cocktail of downers.

-MGMT released Oracular Spectacular, an album that was not quite as good as its singles would suggest.

February
-Adele plopped herself at the top of the album charts, while Duffy saved us all from Basshunter when Mercy sashayed to number 1 in the singles with a 60s swagger that also saw off Nickelback, who enjoyed huge success with the song Rockstar for reasons unfathomable.

-Goldfrapp returned with a softer, folksier sound and a flock of attack owls trained to assault Kylie Minogue should she try to emulate their musical stylings again. A&E, the lead single from March’s album Seventh Tree, did well on the radiomachines and was even used in an episode of Hollyoaks. A sure measure of success if ever there was one.

-The NME Awards took place and were as tiresome and predictable as ever. The fact that these people named Pete Doherty Hero of the Year AGAIN should tell you all you need to know.

March
-Duffy and Estelle shared the top-spot duties in March; the latter returning to the charts for the first time since her 2004 debut 1980. Also returning to the charts for the first time since 2004 was REM, who released Accelerate at the end of the month.

-The Winehouse saw the Deluxe edition of Back to Black hit number one in the album chart. Deluxe edition, in case you were wondering, means everything from the original album plus a few tracks that never made it because they weren’t deemed strong enough, and a cover version of Valerie, the song that killed the Zutons.

-Sam Sparro released Black and Gold, the kind of song that makes you think “Oh, that’s good” until you hear it twenty times in a row on the radio and just want to shove the cane that he uses in the video down his neck, ruining his gravelly voice forever and resulting in bankruptcy inducing litigation.

April
-Madonna perched (in the Lotus position, naturally) atop the singles charts with the Timbalanad-produced 4 Minutes. Justin Timberlake and Madge’s Camel Toe provided backing vocals on a song that was instantly familiar. Mostly because it used all the tics and quirks we’d heard a million times before from Timbaland’s very successful work with Nelly Furtado, OneRepublic, Pussycat Dolls and Jay-Z.

-Rihanna jumped on the Deluxe edition bandwagon with Take a Bow, the first single from her re-release of Good Girl Gone Bad, and the… fourth?… no, fifth release from the album overall if you include the original.

-Elsewhere in the charts, Mariah Carey returned and unleashed the usual cacophony of glory notes and bizarre behaviour, while the Arctic Monkeys effect, where anything in any way related to these Gods Of Music must be heralded with multiple journalistic orgasms, proved itself alive and well when frontman Alex Turner’s side-project The Last Shadow-Puppets arrived to critical adoration and numerous awards. Meanwhile, paedo-bait billionaire Miley Cyrus got her tits out for an “arty” photoshoot.

May
-In the charts, Madonna was dethroned by the Ting Tings, as they assured us that Mary-Jo Lisa and a host of other monickers was not their name. The world fell over and had to be set back on it’s axis with a complex series of pulleys and gears when SCOOTER topped the albums with their magnum opus Dush Dush Dush Neon Underlit Boy Racer Glowstick Boobs.

-Ireland was represented at the Eurovision in Belgrade by a Turkey in a trolley, and didn’t even make it to the finals. The competition was eventually won by a Russian fellow whose clothes have a terrible habit of falling off, judging by Google Images. Western European countries announced afterwards that they were officially sulking over the domination of the contest by various Eastern voting blocs, leading to promises of reform for the 2009 contest. In Moscow. Reform. In Moscow. That’ll work.

-Rihanna released If I Never See Your Face Again, the ninth single from Good Girl Gone Bad Reloaded. Another black lady releasing much better music this month was Santogold, with her eponymous debut album, officially my favouritest of the year.

June
-Mint Royale’s Singin’ In The Rain sampling track, the imaginatively titled Singin’ In The Rain, spent 2 weeks at number one after some chav child did some breakdancing to it on ITV. Simon Cowell, like the good Mephistopheles he is, promptly paraded the child around Britain and had him endorse all manner of products, wringing as much money as he could from him before hanging him out to dry just before the time came to start filming the X-Factor.

-A collective blink was blunk when Coldplay scored their first number one single with Viva La Vida. Dumbfounded people rubbed their necks and looked around in confusion as they thought “First number one single? Really?” The album was also a chart-topper, and less of a snorefest than previous album X&Y.

-Rihanna released Disturbia, the twenty-eighth single from Good Girl Gone Bad Reloaded Deluxe Extreme. With no physical release, the song would slowly edge its way up the charts based on radioplay and download sales, peaking in August.

The Year In Music Part 2

July -The mutilated corpse of Music, having been desecrated by Scooter’s success in May, suffered further butchering when Basshunter returned with the album Now You’re Gone (the follow up to 2004’s LOL (^^,)… and I’m not joking, that’s what the album was called) and single All I Ever Wanted. Speculation that the album owes its success entirely to girls kitted out in Claire’s Accessories’ finest with a strong hint of WKB Blue to their breath has yet to be confirmed. -With regard to less horrendous music, Black Kids released Partie Traumatic, which got to #5 based on the strength of catchy single I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance. -Revellers who had paid roughly €80,000 for tickets to attend 2008’s Oxegen Festival at Punchestown were entertained by the likes of Kings of Leon, REM, The Chemical Brothers and even Amy Winehouse, who managed to divert herself from her year-long rambling about husband/waster Blakey Wakey Prison Rapey long enough to put in a semi-coherent performance, which did not involve smacking a fan across the face as her set at Glastonbury a month earlier had. August -Kid Rock clambered to the top spot in August with All Summer Long, also known as “That Sweet Home Alabama song”, causing the defiled and dismembered remains of music to spontaneously combust. Anthropomorphic researchers speculated that only if the Beatles were to somehow reform and release an album of new material with Elvis Presley on backing vocals could Music be rehabilitated. -Kid Rock’s 7 day reign of terror was brought to a close by casual lesbianism, as Katy Perry whipped nightclub dancefloors into a storm of drunken girl-on-girl action with I Kissed a Girl, which spent 5 weeks at the top despite being blasted by the religious (Churchie folk were appalled by the “promotion” of homosexuality) and the sacrilegious (gay folk were appalled by a straight girl appropriating lesbianism for attention and column inches). -In the album charts, over-produced dullards The Script scored a number 1 and were never off the radio for longer than half an hour, while middle-aged women sent Abba’s 17 year old Greatest Hits album Gold back to the top after being whipped into a menopausal frenzy by Mamma Mia!

September -Good old Southern values saw off Katy Perry’s cherry chapstick when Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon topped the chart for 3 weeks and became a bit of an anthem for gangs of drunk boys up and down country as they waited for a post-nightclub taxi. A successful album quickly followed. -Five years after the not-so-well-received St Anger, Metallica returned to the album charts with the much-better-received Death Magnetic, an album so badly produced that the versions of the songs in Guitar Hero are regarded as being of better quality than those on the disc. -Elbow won the Mercury Music Prize and made off with £20,000 (before the Sterling imploded) for Seldom Seen Kid. I have not heard the album but as I like precisely one Elbow song from years ago, I officially declare it to be brilliant. Plus Cathy Davey has sung backing vocals for them which must make them ace by association. October -Actress and former American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson saw her September release Spotlight enjoy a resurgence in popularity following the much publicised murder of her mother, brother and nephew. The failure of the song to emulate the popularity of I Kissed a Girl shows that when it comes to publicity, lesbianism beats murder and infanticide hands down. -Pink bounced to the top of the charts with the slightly schizophrenic So What: an upbeat-sounding and oh so very catchy song about… divorce and marital strife. -The X-Factor reached the live finals stage of the competition, with new judge Cheryl Cole being so warmly received that the Queen herself made an appearance on the show to award Our Cheryl a certificate officially declaring her a national treasure. She then spat at Dannii Minogue while dame Louis Walsh cackled in the background. -Oasis could only manage a week at number 1, and we all laughed our tits off at the YouTube footage of Noel being pushed off a stage in Canada November -Mariah Carey graced the X-Factor with her presence (also known as her cleavage) and a cover version of Hero ensured that when their 15 minutes of fame are up, each and every one of those contestants we knew and remember fondly, such as Prison Bitch, the Ugly Girl band, Spastic Hand, the Less Ugly Girl Band, Foetus-faced Boy and the bloke with the dead wife, will be able to tell their grandchildren they had a number one single. Well maybe not Prison Bitch, if the Social come around and take t’kids off of her again. -Snow Patrol released a new album. No one noticed. -Rihanna released Rehab, the five-hundred and fifty-seventh single from Good Girl Gone Bad Reloaded Deluxe Extreme Ultimate Limited Edition vol.III December -Legitimate music fans were OUTRAGED and INCENSED when Simon Cowell had the audacity to have X-Factor winner Alexandra Burke cover Jeff Buckley’s cover of John Cale’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, and began a crusade to get Buckley’s version to the top of the charts rather than Burke’s. Cowell was no doubt distraught at this manifestation of his power, which resulted in not one, or even two, but three versions of the same song (Burke’s, Buckley’s and Cohen’s) making the Top 30 mere days after the X-Factor final, with the former two taking the Xmas #1 and #2 respectively, and all because of a decision he made. That’ll teach him, won’t it? -Previous to Burke’s number one, Cowell’s money-printing factory had already been working overtime when Leona Lewis spent two weeks at the top with a cover of Snow Patrol’s Run that’s been about five times more successful than the original.

An Emo Guide to taking Self Pictures

Boys:

-Remove your t-shirt for 25% of your self-portraits. If you're fat then you're clearly not Emo and this guide is not for you. You also cannot be Emo if you have blonde hair (unless you dye it black first. However, bleached sections of jet-black hair are acceptable) or belong to any social strata other than the caucasian middle classes.

-Hold your camera aloft, pointing downwards. Tilt your head upwards, ensuring that your fringe is covering one eye, and that you have applied enough eye-liner to the visible eye to show up in monochrome. It is preferred that you have a source of light placed to one side, especially for your topless pictures where it will illuminate your lithe frame and any tattoos that adorn it. For added contrast between light and dark, make sure your piercings catch the light. If you do not have any piercings, then you are not Emo.

-Look moody, as though the pressure of being you is about to crush you at any moment. Remember to pout.

-Take several dozen pictures. You will not be sifting through these pictures for the best: ALL OF THEM will be uploaded to your social networking site of choice and placed in an album with the faux self-deprecating title of "I'm Such a Poser lawl". You don't care that you're uploading 200 marginally different pictures of yourself. You're hawt and you want everyone to tell you that. But remember to reject all compliments given to you by visitors to your page, because when you look at yourself, all you see is hopelessness and woe staring back at you in skinny jeans.

NOTE: It is preferred but not demanded that you apply a black & white effect to your photographs. Pain shows up better in monochrome.

-Follow these steps any time you make a change to your appearance, e.g. shifting the direction of your fringe or getting a new tattoo, to keep your friends abreast of how you don't define yourself through appearance.

Girls

The procedure is basically the same, however female Emos should take note of the following:

-Chubby girls are allowed to be Emo. Your chubbiness is the root of your pain.

-Obviously, you will not be topless when taking your picture. That's just obscene. Instead, your aim is to take an intimate photo showing how fragile and vulnerable you are underneath all that hair-dye and eye-liner. To this end, you will wear a slightly too-large top, with one sleeve hanging off your shoulder. It is preferable that a bra-strap is NOT visible. Bras are slutty. You are sweet, misunderstood and vulnerable.

-You will face the camera and make the most of your shoulder-flesh without angling it too high. You want to look casual. Props are good: feel free to take pictures of yourself holding up a CD or with an ironic cuddly toy of some sort. Hello Kitty or Emily the Strange are good choices. A female friend is also an acceptable prop, as long as you lezz it up a bit.

-Remember to pout and look pained. Perhaps think of a boy who doesn't love you back to fuel your anguish. Or if you are chubby, just think how terrible it is that no one will see through that fat mess of mascara and nose-rings to the real you underneath.

From March 2008:

News has reached us that the paparazzi’s favourite negligent mother, Britney Spears, is to make a gratuitous guest appearance in US sitcom How I Met Your Mother, a TV show that recently made it into the record books for managing to run three years without raising a single laugh. This isn’t a terrible surprise: as the end of the US TV season approaches, shows often trot out a parade of celebrity guest stars to secure high ratings and the chance of another year on screen. What follows is a list of notable famous faces confirmed to crop up in some of the most popular TV imports soon:

Grey’s Anatomy: In a mutually beneficial arrangement designed to coincide with the North American release of Back to Black, Amy Winehouse will appear in three episodes as Dr. Thomasina Franklin, the new anaesthesiologist, who never fails to find a good vein.

Lost: Anything Ms. Spears can do, Christina Aguilera can do better, louder and in either English or Spanish. So when she heard her arch-rival had signed up to play a ditzy receptionist in a comedy no one watches, Aguilera had her people contact the Lost people to get her a four-episode stint in one of television’s most talked-about series. Details are scarce, but it is believed that she will play Juanita Diablo, a pearl-diver with a dark secret who washes up on the beach in a skimpy bikini designed to make the most of Aguilera’s post-baby chest orbs.

CSI Dungarvan: Ben Affleck has inked a deal to appear in the pilot episode of the 43rd spin-off in the CSI franchise, and the first to be set abroad. Like CSI Miami (Yellowish) and CSI New York (Blue), it is understood that CSI Dungarvan will be filmed with a particular colour saturating almost every scene, believed to be pale lavender with a hint of indigo. Producers have said that Affleck’s challenging role will demand every ounce of the subtle nuance he displayed in such non-award-winning non-hits as Gigli and DareDevil. Following this statement, it was revealed that he will be playing a corpse.

Heroes: In a huge coup for the hit superhero series, both Victoria Beckham and Bertie Ahern have confirmed they will appear in upcoming episodes. In a move designed to bring in millions of Irish-American viewers, the Taoiseach will make a short appearance as Lord Tempus Teflon, a character with the power to manipulate the past to suit himself through sheer force of will. Meanwhile, as part of her relentless campaign to be noticed by the American public, Posh Spice will appear as 2-D Girl, an internationally-renowned art thief with the ability to slip through cracks in doors and under windows, who can also appear invisible by turning sideways.

Meanwhile, details have emerged of potential reality TV shows that have been scrapped now that the writer's strike is over. Unfilmed concepts included Al Gore’s Celebrity Dancing on Melting Ice, Are You Smarter Than A Republican Presidential Candidate? and Survivor: Tibet.

How To Become a Rap Superstar

In this article, I will be teaching you how to become the next half a dollar, Jay-Z or Mims. You should follow these steps as closely as you can as you endeavour to scale the charts with your urban lyricism: You will need a fitting back-story. If your father is dead, this will serve you well. If not, you should frame him for a crime so he is imprisoned. Drugs-related works best. You can then talk about how he was never really there for you and how when he was, he was always high and used to beat your momma. Speaking of your mater, a crack addiction would be helpful, as would at least seven brothers and sisters. If this is not the case, saying that your mother became infertile from abusing drugs/your father’s beatings/working so damn hard to provide for you both may suffice. You will also need a posse. Your posse will prove very useful as guest stars for your songs, as people who have “got your back” when you find yourself feuding with another posse, as people whose songs you can feature on when you’re between albums and as a group to release albums with under an incomprehensible name such as P-Crowd, L-Skwadd or Teflon-Kru. Dead members of your posse also provide inspiration for songs lamenting their demise, with each departed friend being worth at least eight songs each. This is even before you get around to releasing and featuring on their own unreleased material. Worry not if your songwriting skills are lacking, as you can follow the simple tips below: -You will need to sample music for 60% of your songs. TV theme tunes from the 80s are good, as are songs from completely different genres. Using music from the latter will show everyone how adept at spinning tunes you are, and lead to you be lauded as “visionary” and “original”. This is a good thing come Grammy time. -It helps to be able to rhyme. It also helps to misspell many words (nigga, ho, flava). The two can work together as you use misspelled words to shoehorn in a rhyme: “Shorty don’t u know, that u my #1 ho And I’m yo nigga, Baby-girl u make me get bigga; We in public n’ it’s hot the danga; So take off my jeans and taste the flava” -As mentioned earlier, your posse is very important for your songs. You will need to have a member of your posse feature on 80% of your output (with appropriate credit such as Kim-Pak feat. T-Wozz) and you will need to name-drop at least 3 members of your posse in a similar number of songs. -There are several topics you should mine for the majority of your songs. These are: ladies (you respect your mother but all other women are bitches), what you do with these ladies using your gigantic penis and legendary libido, the amount of money you have and the things you spend it on (cars, bling, ladies, champagne and trainers are popular choices but feel free to experiment), the many tragic tales of your misspent youth on the streets (remember the people you saw die and how many times you’ve been shot), how “the man” is always seeking to oppress you and recreational drug use. The last two topics will go down especially well with your largest demographics of well-off middle class white boys who like to pretend their lives are much harder than they are, and scumbags. Using this handy guide you should be perched at the top of charts and booming from the modified stereo speakers of cars fitted with neon-underlighting nationwide in no time.

Weeks-old Blogthing about TeeVee

September isn’t just the name of a cheesy Swedish popstrel who brought us recent slightly-better-than-Cascada crap floor-filler Cry For You. It’s also the name of one of the 12 months of the Gregorian calendar. Shocking, I know. But further to this, it’s also the month in which our TV screens start to light up with the welcome return of all our favourite shows, thanks to Irish and British broadcasters newfound desire to screen shows mere days after their US premiere in order to save themselves the loss of ratings that comes with everyone downloading the shows rather than waiting until January.

In anticipation of having things to watch on the tellybox again, I present this handy retrospective on what happened in some of the major shows in their truncated 2007-2008 seasons.

Desperate Housewives: The 5 transvestites of Wisteria Lane added a sixth man to their menagerie this past season, as Katherine Mayfair joined the group. Like everyone in whatever state it is this show takes place in, Katherine had a Dark Secret; namely that a wardrobe fell on her little tyke Dylan and killed her to death. Then, like any grief-stricken mother, she buried her daughter in the woods and adopted a similar-looking child from Romania. Upon hearing this, Katherine’s Violent Ex became violent, so she shot him with a gun that Contrivance had dropped off at her home. In a beautiful feminist conclusion, a jury of her peers forgave Katherine being so trigger-happy, and lied to the police for her. Other dark secrets this year included Bree pretending her grandson was actually the product of her own uterus, the collective trannies agreeing that Edie wasn’t deserving of their friendship because she’s a bitch whose face is slowly melting and Gabby killing her hubby who then came back and got killed again. Meanwhile, despite years of foreshadowing, the long-awaited plotline wherein it is revealed that Susan has been operating with only 20% the brain-mass of a regular human being failed to materialise yet again.

Heroes: Season 2 finds Peter Petrelli in a cargo-hold in “Cork”, “Ireland” where he’s found by some Oirish thugs who were expecting to find thousands of OiPods. Tortured by a torrent of terrible accents, Peter loses his memory but gets it back just in time to be manipulated into teaming up with meh-some villain Adam Munroe. Munroe, aka Kensei, aka Hiro’s Hero wants to unleash the ill-defined Shanti virus and kill the world because we’re all so awful. Eventually he is stopped, but not before he kills George Takei. Meanwhile, Claire Bennet gushes about how great her new car is in a spot of product placement for Ford, then gushes about how great her new boyfriend until the power of negative viewer reaction sees him off. A season-long snore-fest follows brother and sister Maya and Alejandro as they blunder across the boredom border. Even Sylar can’t make them interesting, though he does put Alejandro out of our misery at least. Niki dumps Wunderkid on Grandma Uhura for a while, then “dies”. But it’s okay, Wunderkid has his super-powered cousin to look after him now. Meanwhile, Mama Petrelli rocks; Mohinder continues abusing his power to deliver the show’s absolutely clunkingly awful narration; a photograph of the Company’s founders shown midway through the season which deliberately obscures Arthur Petrelli’s face makes it completely obvious that he’s not dead and will show up at some point in the future (once they've cast someone); and Nathan Petrelli is shot either because he was about to reveal his powers on national television or because his wife is a Dixie Chick who criticised President Bush. You know what those Texans are like.

Gossip Girl: Rich, beautiful white people with perfect bodies and names like Blair Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen Nervosa, living on the Upper East Side, sleep with one another, worry about the consequences of sleeping with one another and live glamourous lives with Terrible Secrets™. This formula proved so original and successful that every show the Network responsible for GG is putting out in 08/09 is copying it. Nice once.

Lost: How do you concisely recap Lost? Badly, that’s how. Here we go! Flash-forwards reveal that five people and an ugly baby make it off the Island: Jack (still television’s least appealing leading man, with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever), Kate (*yawn*), Sun (who gets all up in her father’s face post-Island and ousts him from his own company), Hurley (who goes batshit and starts seeing Hobbits) and Sayid, who becomes 007 to Ben’s Judi Dench… the sort of Judi Dench who stabs someone in the neck and causes a boatful of innocents to blow up, that is. The Saga Of Kate and Which Man Will She Choose? continued to be shit, especially in comparison to the much more affecting Saga of Dessie and Penny. The same Penny who Ben pledges to kill after seeing his own 16 year old daughter get shot in the brainpan. Remember kids: guns don’t kill people, evil mercenaries sent to find weasel-eyed chosen ones do. Speaking of the weasel-eyed chosen one; he finds that he’s not-so-chosen any more after mounting a frozen dais and turning a giant wheel which causes the Island to vanish and leaves him unable to ever return after he wakes up in Tunisia. Sounds like the aftermath of a normal night out in Limerick, really. Kooky Old John Locke is the new chosen one, except he turns up dead in the flash-forwards. Not the wisest career move then, eh John? Hey, remember when they said there was a logical explanation for everything that happened? On top of teleporting Islands, this season also featured Desmond’s mind jumping about in time, the return of the immortal Richard Alpert and the return of Jack’s dead father who popped up on an exploding boat long enough to tell a black man it was okay for him to die now. I await that logical explanation with baited breath. And don’t think we’ve forgotten about the four-toed statues either.

Sarah Palin: What next?

So, the good guys won and the evil empire has been beaten back for a good 4 years at least. But what of the glamourous would-be Queen of the imperial warren of gun-waving religious zealots? Whatever will Sarah Palin do now that the penis-shrinkingly terrifying prospect of her being a few irregular heartbeats away from the most powerful position in the world has been taken off the table? Here are some suggestions and speculation as to how things might pan out for her:




America’s Next Top Model: The trail has already been blazed by the Republican Ladies In Furs (see this link for a mink-wearing Ann Coulter moments before a disgruntled bear slapped her across the jaw, and we all know that Governor Palin likes to shoot non-sentients on four legs, so a move into the world of fashion, producing haute couture made from the pelts of those wide-eyed critters unlucky enough to stray into her path, makes a lot of sense. After all, there are only so many animal heads one can mount on the walls before Trig’s nursery starts to look tacky. Designer spectacle frames, power suits, fetish-underwear (oh come on, we all know she must) and a variety of lipsticks in conservative colours join luxurious fur coats and scarves in rounding out the Sensually Sarah clothing line.

Celebrity Politician: Plenty of stars have made the transition from celluloid to the political stage, so why can’t an accomplished politician like Sarah Palin do the opposite and take to the silver screen, where her wit, charm and magnetic presence would doubtlessly make her a big box-office draw. A few light, fluffy roles in rom-coms to get started (Sarah Palin plays Sissy-Ann Bradshaw in Sex and the City II; the long-lost sister of Horseface Parker’s character, who invites her newly-discovered rural sibling to New York where fish-out-of-water Sissy-Ann bumbles her way through high society, with hilarious and sometimes touching results) followed by a perceptions-shattering turn in a serious role employing method acting to Oscar-winning aplomb (playing Selina Kyle, the deranged Catwoman in Batman 3: Darkest Knight; a force of nature who tears through Gotham in the guise of a modern day Robin Hood, violently stealing from the rich and giving to the poor in a bid to ignite a socialist revolution in the politically fraught city) and critical claim for the emotionally demanding role that will see her become hooked to painkillers and Strepsils.

Earth Mother: In an interview with Katie Couric, Palin reveals the real reason behind her fondness for hunting: namely, that she does so in order to rebalance ecologies on the precipice of disaster as a result of man’s refusal to live in harmony with nature. She further explains her position in a startling and emotional documentary, Chasing the Dragon, which follows Palin as she explores the arid Xi’sua region of Burma, a habitat on the verge of disaster following the corrupt government’s incessant logging activities. A tear-soaked, mascara-streaked Palin kills several Komodo Dragons in order to rebalance the food chain in this sensitive environment and give the many rare species that call it home a glimmer of hope for survival. She follows this with a TV special in which she charts the political career of imprisoned Burmese president Aung San Suu Kyi, and concludes by calling on the free people of the world to wear white rubber arm bands in a show of solidarity with the captive political activist.