How To Become a Rap Superstar

In this article, I will be teaching you how to become the next half a dollar, Jay-Z or Mims. You should follow these steps as closely as you can as you endeavour to scale the charts with your urban lyricism: You will need a fitting back-story. If your father is dead, this will serve you well. If not, you should frame him for a crime so he is imprisoned. Drugs-related works best. You can then talk about how he was never really there for you and how when he was, he was always high and used to beat your momma. Speaking of your mater, a crack addiction would be helpful, as would at least seven brothers and sisters. If this is not the case, saying that your mother became infertile from abusing drugs/your father’s beatings/working so damn hard to provide for you both may suffice. You will also need a posse. Your posse will prove very useful as guest stars for your songs, as people who have “got your back” when you find yourself feuding with another posse, as people whose songs you can feature on when you’re between albums and as a group to release albums with under an incomprehensible name such as P-Crowd, L-Skwadd or Teflon-Kru. Dead members of your posse also provide inspiration for songs lamenting their demise, with each departed friend being worth at least eight songs each. This is even before you get around to releasing and featuring on their own unreleased material. Worry not if your songwriting skills are lacking, as you can follow the simple tips below: -You will need to sample music for 60% of your songs. TV theme tunes from the 80s are good, as are songs from completely different genres. Using music from the latter will show everyone how adept at spinning tunes you are, and lead to you be lauded as “visionary” and “original”. This is a good thing come Grammy time. -It helps to be able to rhyme. It also helps to misspell many words (nigga, ho, flava). The two can work together as you use misspelled words to shoehorn in a rhyme: “Shorty don’t u know, that u my #1 ho And I’m yo nigga, Baby-girl u make me get bigga; We in public n’ it’s hot the danga; So take off my jeans and taste the flava” -As mentioned earlier, your posse is very important for your songs. You will need to have a member of your posse feature on 80% of your output (with appropriate credit such as Kim-Pak feat. T-Wozz) and you will need to name-drop at least 3 members of your posse in a similar number of songs. -There are several topics you should mine for the majority of your songs. These are: ladies (you respect your mother but all other women are bitches), what you do with these ladies using your gigantic penis and legendary libido, the amount of money you have and the things you spend it on (cars, bling, ladies, champagne and trainers are popular choices but feel free to experiment), the many tragic tales of your misspent youth on the streets (remember the people you saw die and how many times you’ve been shot), how “the man” is always seeking to oppress you and recreational drug use. The last two topics will go down especially well with your largest demographics of well-off middle class white boys who like to pretend their lives are much harder than they are, and scumbags. Using this handy guide you should be perched at the top of charts and booming from the modified stereo speakers of cars fitted with neon-underlighting nationwide in no time.