Friday, February 20, 2009

The Diary of Dr Beverly Crusher

Chief Medical Officer's Log
Stardate 980022120

Well, it's been several days now since Valentine's Day, and it's safe to assume that my previous hope that a gift or card or saucy negligée had gotten lost in Inter-Ship Delivering is groundless. I'm comforting myself with a bottle of Chateau Picard that I had Wesley send me from when he and Julian visited France and taking the edge off my misery.

The senior crew have gathered on numerous occasions since February 14th and despite my best attempts to subtley provoke discussion of the topic, I've not yet been able to ascertain what Jean-Luc thought of the antique china teapot I left outside his quarters. I thought it'd be the sort of gift he'd appreciate, although perhaps enclosing a 3-dimensional holo-snapshot of my vagina was going a bit far. I could always try and blame Deanna if it gets messy, though I'd have to spread rumours that she was actually ginger for it to succeed....

Speaking of, she's lording it over the rest of us with tales of her own romantic getaway. Hairyface Riker pulled some strings and had the Blue Moon of Perseus VIII booked out so it was just the two of them and the fabulous Sapphire Gildedfly Lagoon Archipelago. I'm going to look that up. Sapphire fucking Gildedfly fucking Lagoon shitting Archipelago? Sounds like she just strung some fancy sounding words together that she found in the dictionary to make it seem like she'd been somewhere exclusive. Slut. If I'd known Riker was going to go to all that trouble I would have sabotaged his erectile dysfunction medication again.

This Chateau Picard is damn good wine. I could say that Picard goes down well, lol. I'm glad I had Wes get me so many bottles. I was thinking I might string a few of the empty bottles together and play them like pan-pipes in the upcoming talent show. Although that might not be impressive enough. I'm determined to beat Deanna this year. And the robot. It's not fair that he's allowed to enter when his reflexes make him so damn good at everything. Pale-ass wannabe carbonform.

-Beverly Crusher, logging off.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Thundercats: Where Are They Now?


Lion-O

Following the first two successful seasons of Thundercats, series-lead Lion-O used his position as the main character to negotiate a contract that gave him a great deal of creative control over the direction of the third season, insisting scripts only progress when he had signed off on them and that he be given the opportunity to write and direct several episodes himself. Eager to secure the lead for their most successful show, the network forced show-runners to capitulate to Lion-O's demands. This led to a great deal of behind the scenes tension on the show as plots were abandoned and scripts rewritten on Lion-O's whims. This chaos manifested on-screen in the sudden departure of fan-favourite Panthro and the hasty addition of three new characters to take his place. Lion-O's abstract, art-house style was at odds with the action-flick tone viewers had come to expect. Though his episodes are hailed by critics as exceptional pieces of experimental cinematography, they did not fare so well with the general public. Ratings imploded, and production on the series was halted midway through the season. Ostensibly "on hiatus", the show would not return in any form until 2005, with an acclaimed dark and gritty reimagining that occasionally features members of the original cast in surprising or humourous cameos. Lion-O has yet to appear, and it is widely believed he views the remake with great disdain. After the original was axed, Lion-O studied at film school, learning to restrain some of his more flamboyant cinematic tendencies and maintain a coherent narrative without undermining his artistic vision. Though he has failed to achieve commercial success, his style is adored by the French and in 2006 he was inducted into L'ordre Luminée Des Artes, the highest honour that can be bestowed by the internationally reknowned Société Pour Les Personnes Prétentious. Endlessly creative, Lion-O chose to film the event and incorporate it into his upcoming film, Flowers for Arbus, in a sequence featuring a meta-narrative on the importance given to awards, titles and other forms of social capital in modern society. The film premiered at the Sundance Film Festival in 2007, and garnered a positive response. Famously reclusive, Lion-O rarely gives interviews. He is married to French poet and political activist Mimou, with whom he has has two children, Lysette and Pi.

Panthro

Popular action-man character Panthro, responsible for some of Thundercats most spectacular set-pieces and fight scenes, was killed off early in the third season following a series of rows with Lion-O over the direction of the show. Bitter and disillusioned with the world of television following the executive meddling that created the situation with Lion-O, Panthro turned his back on acting and focused on his first love; food. He opened a chain of vegetarian restaurants which enjoyed initial success, attributable in retrospect to the celebrity status of the owner. Commentators say that opening over a dozen demanding enterprises in such a short period of time was a mistake for Panthro, who lacked experience running his own businesses. The franchise crumbled after just two years, leaving Panthro with a mountain of debts. He turned to drink to cope, and began to gamble heavily in the hopes of making back some of his lost fortune. Things came to a head when Panthro was brutally attacked in 1995 by heavies acting under the orders of a money-lender he had sought out. Spending several weeks in a coma and months being rehabilitated, Panthro turned to religion in his hour of need. He credits celebrity preacher and newspaper columnist Pastor Pat Patterson with turning his life around. The June 1997 edition of Court TV, in which a resolute and recovered Panthro faced down his attackers in court, and forgave them for what they had done to him, was one of highest rated episodes of the daily courtroom digest, second only to the OJ Simpson trial in mass interest. Controversy found Panthro again in recent years, when Pastor Pat's support of the degenerate homosexual lifestyle placed him in the midst of the widely-reported on tensions in the Anglican Church over the ordination of filthy gay bishop, Gene Robinson. Tabloids exposed the Pastor's long-term relationship with Panthro, and a fierce Panthro made a memorable appearance on Fox talk show Good Morning With Inoffensive White Anglo-Saxon Chatter, arguing with vigour against intrusive tabloid reporting. Panthro lives in Albany with Pastor Pat and their Golden Retriever Dixie.

Cheetara

Cheetara, who adorned many a 14 year old boy's wall during the show's heydey, was imprisoned in 1989 after it was revealed she had let an underage youth nail her to his bedroom wall in a more literal manner. Actually I guess it's in a more metaphorical manner, given the posters would be literally nailed to the wall whereas having sex against one is a eupeh... look, SHE BANGED A MINOR, OKAY? Sentenced to 6 years for the statutory rape of well-known Thunderfan Frederick Williams, whom she met at ThunderCon '87, Cheetara was released early on account of good behaviour and over-crowding. It is believed that the fact that her father, a billionaire oil tycoon, plays golf with judges played absolutely no part in her release. A popular urban legend states that Cheetara lost an eye in a 1989 prison riot. This is not entirely correct. While Cheetara was injured in the riot, she actually lost an ovary, not an eye, when she was stabbed in the abdomen with a screwdriver by a crazed inmate. Rumours she maintained contact with Williams during her incarceration were confirmed when the two married in 1993. Cheetara has not returned to television, but she is heavily involved in the theatre scene in Seattle, where she has settled with Williams and their daughters Cessily and Tiara-Ann.

Mumm-Ra

A well-respected Broadway thespian, Mumm-Ra was the only member of the cast to receive an Emmy for his work on Thundercats, for what the New York Times called "his multi-layered portrayal of a centuries-old villain, subtley succumbing to madness as he tries in vain to resurrect the Imperial society of ancient Thundera, using soul-eating sorceries that twist a good man into an horrific bandage-wrapped shadow of himself". Mumm-Ra's tenure as the show's primary threat came to an end in the highly regarded five-episode epic "To Live and Die on Thundera" that closed the second series. Mumm-Ra would return for guest appearances in several episodes of the meandering third season, as an abstract embodiment of Lion-O's uncertainties. Had the show continued, it was expected Mumm-Ra would return proper and join forces with Season 3's other foes, the Robot Philosophers Nietzsche-Nine, Third-Wave-Feminism-Bot and Socratron, who sought to violently restructure Thunderan society to conform to their views of a Utopia. With the unexpected cancellation, Mumm-Ra was free to dedicate himself to working on his NBC talk-show, Muttering with Mumm-Ra. His incisive wit and blunt put-downs proved his aptitude for the format, but scheduling the show opposite ratings-juggernaut Home Alone: The Series proved disastrous, and it was soon axed. However, executives at E! were impressed with the ageing actor's surprisingly up-to-date knowledge of popular culture and enthusiasm for sending up celebrity glitterati, and signed him up as their red-carpet reporter for minor events such as the Country Music Awards and Presidential Election. An acid-tongued encounter with Bob Dole thrust an unrepentant Mumm-Ra into the headlines, and his star grew again. He was offered another talk-show, Mumm-Ra Before Midnight, which was a greater ratings success than his initial foray into the genre. Before Midnight ran nightly for almost a decade until 2002, when declining health forced Mumm-Ra to cut back on his commitments. He announced his retirement from television a year later and went on to take the role of Virgil the Chicken-man in Broadway's Mighty Max: The Musical. He earned a Tony Award for his spirited portrayal of the last Lemurian. Mumm-Ra remained in the role until shortly before his death from pancreatic cancer in January 2004.

Excerable Lyrics

1
I love you like a fat kid loves cake
- Urban lyricist and general irritation Fifty (50) "Fiddy" Cent declares his affection for an unnamed female companion in the song 21 Questions.

Trivia! Some of the questions posed include "Did I mention I was shot nine times?" and "Would you like to meet my friend Eminem?"

2.
To the left, to the left. Everything you own in the box to the left - Robotic lifeform Beyoncé Knowles produced this song-writing gem in Irreplaceable, from the 2007 album B'Day (pronounced "bidet")

Trivia! During the events that inspired this song, Beyoncé actually did not place all of her gentleman-friend's possessions in a box to her left, and it was only after he threatened legal action that she returned items including an expensive watch, a set of silver cufflinks and a small stuffed toy, said to be "worthless in monetary terms but priceless in sentimental value".

3.
You could be my black Kate Moss tonight - Otherwise tolerable RnB person Kanye West's huh?-worthy line from Stronger

Trivia! In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, Kanye West famously declared "George Bush don' like him no black peoples, dawg" or something to that effect. Other shocking revelations Kanye let rip with during the same broadcast concerned the intelligence of the aforementioned Mister Bush ("Not that bright, y'all") and the quality of recent seasons of animated comedy The Simpsons - "It just lost some of it's sparkle after Season 10, y'know what I'm sayin?".

4.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump. - The Black Eyed Peas sing about the jelly-moulds adorning Fergie's lady-chest on the modern masterpiece, My Humps.

Trivia! When she's not busy with solo work or The Black Eyed Peas, Fergie likes to immerse herself in dusty tomes concerning 20th century social movements, with a keen interest in Dada and avant-gardism. She is also one of the world's foremost authorities on Nouveau Réalisme.

5.
It's funny how a man only thinks about the [BEEP]
You got a real big heart, but I'm looking at your [BEEP]
You got real big brains, but I'm looking at your [BEEP]
Girl, there ain't no pain in me looking at your [BEEP]

- The Pussycat Dolls create an air of mystery through the subtle obfuscation of words critical to ascertaining just what is distracting the man from their less tangible characteristics, in the song BEEP.

Trivia! At any one time, there are 126 Pussycat Dolls waiting in reserve to replace one of the core six, in accordance with their management team's Nine Lives Policy, designed to ensure the Pussycat Dolls are always ready to perform with a full regiment and to the highest standards. The reservists are trained at the secretive PCD Academy in Luxembourg, which aims to produce 12 fully-trained potential Pussycat Dolls every 6 months.