It’s that time of year again, when we choose a song to represent us at that event which we pretend we totally don’t care about, but which we’re secretly completely incensed about our lack of recent success in. I join the show at ten to ten, when we’ve dug Johnny Logan up out of his grave for his annual showing. Johnny is, as ever, talking about the Eurovision as though winning it results in a celestial being made from pure gold descending from on high to piss crystal urine on the winning nation for their creative endeavours. Johnny is near tears at times, as he discusses the importance of his contribution to the world of Irish artistry, which surely puts him up alongside Yeats, Joyce and Heaney.
At this point I learn that I apparently missed Dana performing a mash up of All Kinds of Everything and I Kissed A Girl; I Kissed All Kinds of Everything. Now available on iTunes.
We get a quick recap of some recent winners; Lordi and their Happy Smiling Demoness Drummer, Serbia’s lesbian pride parade, Russian bloke with his torso, and the Eurotwink and his fairytale.
Smugman explains the voting procedure, which sounds more and more like the process that picked My Lovely Horse every year.
Our first song is called Does Heaven Need Much More and, oh lord, is written by John Waters. Who goes two seconds without masturbating his ego by comparing himself to Elvis. The sad thing is you just know he’s not being tongue in cheek. John explains that it is a techno disco dance infused song that will appeal to the yoof, as represented by Leanne Moore, the 25 year old singer.
In the middle of Leanne’s performance, the tinker she lost to in the final of You’re a Star runs on stage and clubs her to death with a shillelagh. The dance routine accompanying the song is a complex number that would put the best of Rachel Stevens’ choreography to shame. Strange lyrics conflating ecstasy with heaven. I think John wants the drugged up homo vote. Doesn’t he know we’ve moved on to ketamine and meth?
Judges comments! Dana doesn’t want to influence the public... er, what’s the point of your judgement then? J. Log makes a meandering series of comments, the ultimate point of which is that he is great and wants us to recognise his genius. Marty likes it. Marty also likes warm socks and porridge.
Second song! My, we’re moving along at a blistering pace. The songwriter is a jovial German man, possibly the Norse god of prolific Eurovision songwriting, flanked by a strapping Valkyrie I shall call Brunhilde. Our singer is a Lee Bradshaw, leading us up the Rivers of Silence. Or something. Its terribly bland and Lee has a creepy vibe that makes him seem like a PlayTV presenter who was fired for snorting cocaine from the arse crack of Bulgarian hookers and is now doing anything he can to make the money that feeds his terrible habit. Boring.
Judges! Marty thinks Lee looks great. Considering the crack habit and all. Marty says it is a nice song but not exceptional, like toast with nothing on it. Songwriter Odin has to hold Brunhilde back to prevent her from ripping him to shreds with her enchanted halberd. J.Log starts his comments with “When I won the Eurovision in 1980 with What’s Another Year...” and then qualifies his second with “And when I won the Eurovision a second time in 1987...”. Just in case we’d forgotten his amazing successes. Dana tells us that she feels awkward giving an opinion in case it affects the vote. I feel awkward watching Dana refuse to give an opinion, WHICH IS THE REASON YOU WERE ASKED ON THE FUCKING SHOW.
Third Song, and the one that is destined to win; it’s Mikey “Boyzone” Graham with Baby Nothing’s Wrong. How long until we get an “I’m doing it for Steeeeeeeooooo”? Remember folks, this is Mikey Graham. One of the Boyzone members with the non-speaking role. Mikey has something of a Jedward fringe going on. Oh god, there’s a craptastic Saxophone bit in the middle. That almost made Lee Bradshaw’s performance charismatic.
Judges! Dana really likes Mikey’s voice. It makes her wet. We kind of skip over J. Log, for which we are thankful. Damn, we haven’t skipped over J. Log. He tells us he’s going to Oslo tomorrow to perform. The relevance of this is unclear, aside from to let us all know that Johnny is still performing.
Fourth song! Our songwriters are primarily from Austria. Apparently Austrian songwriters have all been rounded up and sent to concentration camps ever since the country ceased participating in the contest. The writers of this tune, Fashion Queen, were among the ones lucky enough to escape before the borders were locked down. It immediately wins the award for gayest choreography of the evening. At this point it is clear that the backing tracks being used for every performance are incredibly limp and lifeless, which doesn’t really help in judging how good a song is going to come across in a massive stadium with thousands of people in attendance. Continuing the theme, the song is pretty boring, but she’s probably the most competent singer we’ve had thus far. Which means she’s going to come last because she’s not a member of Boyzone.
Judges! Dana thinks it was catchy. Fuck off and have an abortion, Dana. J. Log thinks it sounds like Beyoncé but the Germans had a song like it two years ago, as we all no doubt remember. Marty points out that the multinational flavour of the songwriters and performers might net us a few points. Oh Marty, you cad. Johnny tries to hijack proceedings again by launching into a huge spiel about the necessity of imagining what each song is going to sound like in front of an audience of millions.
Last song! Written by.... people with names I didn’t catch. Oh, he wrote last year’s entry, Et Cetera. Cough. It’s called It’s For You and is a big ballad, performed by a big bird, Niamh Kavanagh, former Eurovision winner. Within 5 seconds, Niamh has established herself as the best singer of the night. Which isn’t that difficult an achievement, but credit where it’s due. WE HAVE TIN WHISTLE OF CULTURAL AWARENESS. When we reach the glory notes near the end it all kinda falls apart as the backing singers end up caterwauling over Niamh, but overall it is quite likeable and seems to get a good reception from the crowd. It’ll come second, then.
Judges! Dana waffles, Marty loves it and J. Log attacks some of the technicalities of the song-writing process, as he is an artiste who notices these things.
When Smugman is doing the It Is Okay To Vote Now recap of all 5 songs, the audience only applaud Niamh Kavanagh’s. Mikey Graham makes a fist and thinks “Fuck it, I should’ve mention Gately.”
Smugman ventures into the audience to talk to such sparkling Eurovision alumni as Donna McCaul, who shares many words of wisdom about discovering vagina in Europe, and Yer Wan Who Sang Et Cetera Last Year, who tells us how important it is to seek treatment in the early stages of syphilis. Then we have a guest... Michael Ball. Who was battered by Linda Martin’s crusty vadge lips in 1992, it seems. At this point I fall asleep for a few minutes.
Oh God, J. Log performs What’s Another Year. Mute! J. Log is wearing a jacket with sleeves covered in sequins, it seems. He is as daring in his fashion choices as he is in his singing. With no sound on I am free to appreciate Johny’s performance aesthetic in a whole new way. The lifeless manner in which he shuffles about on stage, the way he bobs his head emotionally, the way he thrusts his left hand forth in a stab of pure drama... there can be no doubt that this man is a once in a generation talent. Why Bono has never worked with him is beyond me.
The lines are closed and Tubbers asks the judges who they think should win now that there is no chance that they can influence the vote of us weak-willed viewers. We have unanimous Niamh-love. J. Log tells us that he is uncomfortable passing judgement as he knows all the people involved well, and then immediately and hilariously demonstrates just how well he knows them by calling Mikey Graham “Mickey”. Dana thinks Niamh’s song sounds too much like My Heart Will Go On, and asks if she can have Donna McCaul removed from the audience as the stench of muff coming from her is making Dana queasy.
Judgement time. Panels from the metropolises of Cork, Limerick, Dundalk, Galway, Sligo and Dublin award Kavanagh top marks each time. We cut to the green room where Mikey Graham looks confused and slightly constipated. Full marks from the public go to Kavanagh as well, giving her the unanimous win and a ticket to the Eurovision semi-finals, where she will have the honour of leading us to an 11th place finish.
Though given I predicted that Mikey Graham would win perhaps I should hold off on playing Cassandra.
Boxes of knickers.
