Johnny Logans wrote and sund the theme song Angels Dont't Hide for the German television show Blue Blood
Amazing.
God I hate Ryan Tubridy. Especially in that League of Gentlemen inspired ad for 2FM. Just the way he raises his eyebrow in it makes me want to decapitate him using one of Johnny Logan’s many thousands of platinum discs. Ryan pimps out some car they’re giving away as a prize tonight, for the first person to correctly guess how many times Dana has had a good riding up the backside in the last 12 months. I lie. The question is actually “Who sang All Kinds of Everything? – Dana, Dana or Dana.”. Ryan welcomes hefty bird Niamh Kavanagh to resurrect the ghost of Irish Eurovision glories past with a performance of In Your Eyes. Niamh looks like she’s been dragged through a hedge backwards. Maybe the rowdier members of the audience (and there seem to be a few of them) beat her for doing so shit last year. Niamh is delivering a jazzy sexed-up version of In Your Eyes with a filthy glimmer in her eyes. Losing weight must’ve increased her libido. The dirtbird.
Ryan introduces poor-quality Willie O’Dea clone Marty Whelan for a bit of “humourous” banter and to retread the conversation they had last year when Marty was a guest on this very same show. Should we withdraw? No. Is there tactical voting? Somewhat. The next guest for our panel of judges is some woman from Buck’s Fizz. Cheryl something. Scraping the barrel already and we’re only halfway through the panel. It seems that we won’t be getting Dana this year, because she has discarded her physical form and ascended to become the answer to tonight’s competition question. That’s right, Dana has left the world of flesh and blood behind in order to become a concept. She’ll be delighted. She’s getting more and more like Jesus every year. Brian Kennedy is next, representing the pink vote. He informs us that when you get up on stage, you actually become Ireland. Jesus, what is it about tonight’s Late Late Show and Irish musicians transforming into concepts. Our final judge is some woman from the Ray Darcy show, but the important thing is that she isn’t Ray or Ray’s partner, so we won’t be forced to endure a lot of talk about what funny thing their stupid fucking child did yesterday. This is a disgrace. No J. Log? No Dana? I am disgusted. I need to read from the Blessed Book of Logan to centre myself.
Johnny Logan did not only perform for Pope Johannes Paul II, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip, but also appeared with the top of the international music industry such as Montserrat Caballé, Helen Shapiro or the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
That’s better. We get a recap of recent winners and then Ryan runs through the voting procedure, which is EVEN MORE COMPLICATED THAN EVER. There are thirds and halves and quarters and the important thing to note is that it’s all a conspiracy to prevent Jedward from winning because RTE don’t want a repeat of the Dustin fiasco, despite the fact that that was all their fault in the first place. The voting is being overseen by an evil man from KPMG who looks like the Grinch and caused the recession.
Our first song is “an uptempo, pop-flavoured rock track” according to the Songwriter, who looks like Eamon DeValera. Have we really gotten so bad at Eurovision that we had to resurrect Dev to save us from embarrassing ourselves again? The singer is Don Mescall, who also co-wrote the song with Dev, kinda like the way Dev co-wrote the Constitution with the Catholic Church. Don Mescall is one of those guys of a certain age dressed like he’s half that certain age. Basically, he’s about 40 but looks like a Topman exploded next to him, right down to the shitty chunky jewellery. He does a fist-pump, stage-kick thing that would look less ridiculous if he wasn’t 68. You know that scene in The Simpsons where Luke Perry appears and scrunches up his face and it gets all wrinkly? That’s what’s happening during every part of this where Don is singing. I didn’t really pay attention to the lyrics because I was so distracted by Don’s amazing guitarist, who looks sort of like a cross between Dani from Fade Street and Rosie Webster from Corrie when she was having her Goth phase. Judges! They like it. They also like the colour beige, and flat Coca-Cola. The judges are really pushing a REAL SINGERS and REAL SONG and PLAYING INSTRUMENTS vibe that totally smacks of hatin’ on Jedward. Conspiracy!
Speaking of, they’re up next. .. Lipstick is a terribly catchy song. As usual with Jedward, one of them is slightly more into the whole thing than the other one. He kicks higher, head-bangs with greater enthusiasm and is obviously the top in that relationship. I don’t know what else to say about this one other than it’s a good song which might have benefitted slightly from being sung by actual singers. But then it wouldn’t be half as awesome. Judges! Brian Kennedy tries to be funny by referring to Britney Spears as “Broccoli Spears”. Needless to say, this fails terribly. Unless you’re 5 years old in which case it is probably the funniest thing ever. The girl from Today FM didn’t like it and tactlessly tells us as much. Ad break! Time for more words of wisdom from His Loganess.
A good deal is written about singers with an exceptional talent. Many long to be exceptional in the vibrant and ever faster moving music business. Johnny Logan is! His extraordinary success aside, his talent as a singer is outstanding. Those who ever saw him perform live, can't get over the amazing qualities this ever humble 'lad' carries in his voice.
Dear RTE, no matter how much you advertise it, you are not going to get me to watch RAW. When we return, Ryan reminds us that the opinion of the panel is just that – an opinion. He reminds us of this because Dana isn’t here this year to do so. Our next song is Shine On. Written by “Mahoney”, who is Ireland’s answer to Red One (probably) and performed by Bling. Bling are a hastily put together group of nobodies who were initially touted as a “mystery act” which had everyone thinking for a brief moment that we were going to get someone genuinely exciting. Instead we get 2 guys and 2 girls who look like a group from a Christian Youth talent contest. The song is very inoffensive but ultimately quite boring, just like all the other hundreds of Eurovision/Eurosong entries there are every year which feature the word Shine in some way. Judges! This was Cheryl’s least favourite song when she heard it earlier but she likes it live because she got to watch the boys perform in tight trousers. Brian Kennedy agrees.
The fourth act are the Vard Sisters and their massive noses, with Send Me an Angel (to bless away my nose), which, the songwriter informs us, is inspired by the recession and the way it has left lots of middle aged women bereft of the disposable income they had in previous years for procedures like rhinoplasty. Because if the Eurovision song contest is about anything, it’s economic misery and austerity. The song, he continues, is a universal message of hope, because sometimes we all need someone (i.e. an “angel”) to help us out. Amazing. If the previous group were like someone from a Christian talent contest then these three are their mothers. It’s all a bit dour and lifeless and instead of recapping what the judges had to say, I’m going to paste another gem from Johnny Logan’s amazingly restrained and modest website.
But Johnny Logan is far more than a Eurovisions-Icon. The exceptional singer and composer has shown world format with numerous other songs and albums of Evergreen quality and considerably influenced the pop scenery.
Our final choon is called Falling and is performed by Nicki Kavanagh, who was a backing singer for Niamh Kavanagh (no relation) last year. The songwriter assures us that Nicki is a singer, who can sing. Live. Because being able to sing is important, he explains. Hmmm, I think he might be trying to make a point, but about what I have no real idea. Luckily, he goes on to spell it out by lambasting Jedward and Ireland for not taking the competition seriously in previous years (i.e. Dustin) because it is such a huge international musical extravaganza. Backstage, John Grimes falls tearfully into Edward’s manful embrace. Falling is a fairly catchy song, but as with Lipstick, you kinda feel it would’ve been better with a stronger singer. So much for your assurances about Nicki’s capabilities, Mr. Cruel Songwriter Man. Judges! Brian Kennedy takes this opportunity to holla out to his “Eurovision Queen” grrlfreen’s somewhere in the audience, who will be hosting a Eurovision Party followed by a trip to The George followed by a Meth Orgy back at their apartment on May 14th. Bring your own poppers.
Voting lines open and we are treated to a brief reminder of all the performances. And this coming just as I had almost managed to forget the horrors of watching a pensioner prancing around wailing “Talking with Jennnnnnifer” accompanied by the very definition of a Middle of the Road melody. Tubridy then welcomes on Cynthia ni Murchu and Mary Kennedy, for reasons beyond me. WHERE THE FUCK IS JOHNNY LOGAN? Maybe he’s busy promoting one of his million-seller evergreen hits in Europe. Speaking of Johnny, here’s another piece of sterling information from his website, which is the 3rd most popular online destination in Montenegro.
Johnny Logan, the artist, is much more than Mr. Eurovision Song Contest. Johnny Logan stands for crafted music of many different shades and styles, unlimited friendship and life by the bucketful.
Results! The regional juries account for 66% of the overall results, while the viewer votes account for 33%. CONSPIRACY ABOUNDS! The regional juries come from Waterford, Limerick, Galway, Caaaaaaaark, Dublin, and the Mecca of the North-West, Sligo. The majority of them award 12 points to Falling and 10 points to Jedward, with the exception of Limerick (12 points for the twins, w00t) and Galway (8 points for Jedward, because they’re all about credibility in the city of the Tribes). It all comes down to the public vote... and they make the right decision, with Jedward topping the poll and ultimately just scraping enough points to overtake Falling. Oh noes. Real music has lost again. We should hang our heads in shame.
I’ll let Johnny Logan’s webmaster have the last words.
Many artists live on their past success for decades but Johnny Logans star today shines brighter than ever.
Truer words, mysterious illiterate. Truer words.
