The X-Factor: Week Eight

Exuberant Voiceover Man warns us that it’s TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC as our eyeballs are assaulted by an onslaught of quickly-edited together shots of our heroes. Dermot introduces us to Rock Week (with apologies to Rock Music) and the horrifying reality that we’re going to be getting TWO PERFORMANCES from each of the contestants (what did we do to deserve that?) then we’re on to our first performance of the night: WAGNER

Wagner has decided to turn his voice of mass destruction upon Radiohead by taking on Creep. They’ve decided to forego the dancers, the medley and the mash-ups for this first song - we’re just getting pure unadulterated Wagner’s voice. Which is kind of them. And potentially deadly, without anything to distract our focus from the vocals. “I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo” sings Wagner, “What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.” The camera flicks to a completely mystified Simon Cowell and it is hilarious. Judges! Kylie Minogue’s sister says it’s the best he has ever sung, because he connected with the lyrics. Louis asks what on earth she’s implying. Cowell interjects by pointing out that LOUIS CHOSE THE FUCKING SONG FOR WAGNER. Louis explains he loves the song and picked it because he thinks the lyrics are “I’m a creep, I’m a winner.” Oh dear. I have to admit, this show just would not be the same without the cringe-inducing idiocy of Louis Walsh.

Now that we’ve had our eardrums thoroughly unsteadied by Wagner, it’s time to finish off the audience’s hearing altogether by unleashing Fuckwits United. Simon introduces the boys by name, and I’m shocked to learn they have actual names beyond Irish, Muslim, Inferior Bieber, Superior Bieber and Curly-Headed One. Next thing they’ll try and tell me these boys have personalities. One Dimension’s intro video is all about them getting mobbed by 14 year old girls in HMV while trying to buy the X-Factor Finalist’s Charity Single (available now!) Inferior Bieber explains that while it’s nice to have a number 1 with the other finalists, what they really want is to score their own number one single some day. Who would have thought it? Simon explains that the challenge this week is to find a rock song young enough for the boys to sing convincingly. Which is why they’ve gone for Summer of ’69, a song about those memorable days roughly 23 years before the eldest member of Bieber Squad was born. Judges! Dannii has received her beating from Simon concerning her criticism of the band last week, so she falls in line with all the others and tells us about how great One Direction are. Louis badgers Simon about the International Emmy he won last week and it is neither funny nor cutting so I have no idea why he’s doing it. Then again, Louis is never funny nor cutting so I guess this is par for the course.

Mary Tesco is up next. Her intro video also shows her going to HMV to buy herself a copy of the finalists’ number one single, but unlike Bieber Squad there’s no need for security because Mary manages to go about her musical purchases in broad daylight without anyone accosting her. Bless. Mary explains she’s dedicating the song to her only true love, Mr Absent Father Tesco. You’ve just broken Wagner’s heart, Mary. Why would you do that? Mary is singing U2’s All I Want Is You, which is about as ballady as rock gets and thus is a perfect choice for Mary. There’s nothing surprising about the performance, as she belts out the bits that need belting out capably enough – Mary is pretty much a one-trick pony, albeit a very likeable one. Judges! Liked it. Cowell praises the song choice and takes the opportunity to chastise Louis for all the Shirley Bassey numbers he’s been giving Mary. Louis says, for about the 3^rd time since the intro-video started, that Mary was up there “singing her heart out”. If he says it once more I’m adding it to the Big Bag of X Factor Clichés.

It’s everyone’s favourite pikey, Cher Lloyd! You know what I hate about Cher’s intro videos? Every single one of them uses the music from either Promise This, Parachute or Fight For This Love – we get it! She’s like a mini Cheryl! It couldn’t be more obvious if she assaulted a black woman in a bathroom and married a sexually promiscuous footballer! There’s really no need to seal the association with the constant repetition of Cheryl Cole tracks! Cher explains that her first song was “made for her”. Well no, it was made for Avril Lavigne, but if you want to start moulding yourself after her rather than Cheryl Cole then feel free, love. Cher is singing Girlfriend by rapping the verses and badly singing the chorus. It’s pretty bad and the performance is completely demented and hyperactive – like they’ve given the dancers the same uppers they gave Cher to help her get over the depression of being in the bottom two last week. Judges! Louis loved it, because Louis loves everything and wishes everyone and everything could stay every week and everyone deserves to be in the final. Danni says it made her want to go to Cher’s concert. Presumably she’d only do so if they had some sort of door policy excluding all the chavs and travellers who’d also have bought tickets. Meaning it’d pretty much be a private performance for Dannii, actually.

Rebecca Ferguson! I cannot recap her intro video, because the video file I downloaded actually froze up during that part, presumably because Rebecca is so nice but bland that Windows Media Player got bored of her and just wanted to skip straight to the song. Rebecca is singing I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, in the style of an elevator. No, seriously, it’s the only way to describe Rebecca’s mid-tempo, boring approximation of this song... well, that or dull as dishwater. Or limp. Or lifeless. Okay, there are a lot of ways to describe Rebecca’s performance then, but all of them are euphemisms for being fucking bored shitless. “Bono would have loved that” declares Louis. Bono also loves being a sanctimonious, obnoxious turd though, so what does he know? Dannii would have liked a bit more performance from Rebecca. By performance, she means anything to indicate that Rebecca is not an android sent from the future to learn more about the ways of reality television by media historians studying how Simon Cowell became Emperor of the World.

Matt Cardle! Matt spends most of his intro video explaining why he wasn’t wearing a shirt last week. Because we all care about that. Matt also talks about good a mentor Dannii is, and how much effort she put in to helping him, Paije, my boyfriend Aiden and Niccolo. Hey everyone, remember Niccolo? Thought not. Matt is singing I Love Rock and Roll, because he loves Rock and Roll. This will be the second time Matt’s performance involves actually moving around and interacting with dancer folk, proving that it is never too late for a leopard who prefers to sit down and squeal some high notes to change its spots. Are you paying attention, Rebecca-droid? It’s probably not the best choice of song for Matt – there isn’t much opportunity for vocal acrobatics, just a lot of dry humping the dancers as his slightly-mumbly vocals are swallowed up by the overpowering music. I think I can see Wagner’s wife from the Viva Las Vegas performance a few weeks ago among the dancers throw themselves at Matt. Oh Matt, wasn’t it bad enough that you slated him to the press? You didn’t have to steal his wife too. Judges! Say nothing of substance.

Finally, in this first round of musical abortions, we have demon-queen Katie Waissel! You might remember that Katie was saved from being in her 5^th sing-off last week by the vote-rigging powers of some Russian mafia types paid for with the blood, sweat and vaginal juices of Katie’s occasional-pornstar grandmother, Nana Vogel. Katie fails to thank Nana Vogel for her assistance in her intro video, instead we get what must surely be the third or fourth VT of the series telling us that Pixie-Haired Katie is, honestly, we swear, no lie, THE REAL KATIE. Honest Katie, says Louis. Oh Louis, those words just do not belong together. Real Katie loves rock, and is really looking forward to singing... Sex on Fire. Within 5 seconds of the performance starting it’s clear that Real Katie is indeed just Old Katie with a new haircut, as we’re back to total artifice and pretence. Snarling and squinting while surrounded by flames, Katie tries her best to sell some emotional intensity but fails miserably, because as we’ve learned by now, the only time Katie is real is when she’s desperately pleading through song to be kept in the competition. Also, her voice is just too weak for this song. It seems that Katie has decided that surviving last week means the public must now be completely on her side, as she implores the audience “Come on! Let’s go!” - This does not result in the eruption of cheering or singing-along that Katie was probably hoping for, although as the camera pulls back to take in the entire X-Factor audience and their complete indifference to her attempts to inspire their participation in the performance, I think I spot someone scratching their face, so I guess that’s better than nothing. Judges! As usual, Dannii gives an honest evaluation and gets booed for it.

Wagner! Part Two! For his second performance, we’re back to vintage Wagner, as he performs Addicted to Love. Or, to be more accurate, Addicted to Loaf. This is the Wagner we love – all googley-eyed, surrounded by adoring womenfolk as he murders every musical note known to man, and a few known only to dogs. The performance ends with 10 of the dancers fetching a bunch of shotguns, pointing them skyward and firing a mass of glitter into the air. Brian Friedman should retire now, because he is never going to best that one. The audience boos. Oh behave, audience. Dannii heralds the return of the Wagner we all know and love – girls, out of tune singing and booing. Simon admits that Wagner is fascinating, as Wagner’s power to tear apart the traditional concepts of sexuality begin to take hold.

Next up is One Dimension’s second performance of the evening. Simon says the idea with the second song is to take away the gimmicks and performance and show that the boys are just good singers. That’s easy to say Simon, but where’s your evidence? I certainly haven’t seen any over the past two months. Oh lord, the huge video screens on-stage have once again been adorned with images of each Bieber’s face staring out with the expression of a wounded, retarded puppy, begging to be mothered and loved. Although for Irish Bieber that’s pretty much constant. They’re singing You Are So Beautiful To Me, accompanied by camera close-ups so tight that it seems like each of them might just step out of the television, into your living room and whisper “If One Direction win, we can be together” into the ears of your daughter/sister/mother. The performance ends with the camera travelling so close to Curly Bieber’s adorable puppy wuppy eyes that I think I’m able to diagnose him with astigmatism. Judges! Louis points out it was not a rock song. Simon retorts “Joe Cocker actually was a rock singer.” Then sticks his fingers in his ears and goes “La la la if a rocker sings a ballad then that ballad is a rock song!”

Mary Tesco is back, doing her first ever upbeat performance number of the show. Mercifully, she hasn’t decided to emulate Matt and wear only a stringy vest. Mary’s singing Brass in Pocket. Does she mean a knuckle-duster? Because I could totally see Mary wearing a knuckle duster and going to town on some knackers who’d stolen from her Tesco. “GIVE IT TO ME” Mary wails, “GIVE IT TO MEEEEEEE”, as I picture a bloodied and bruised fourteen year old handing back a packet of cigarettes and a few cans of Dutch Gold stolen on her watch. Nobody steals from Mary Tesco’s Tesco and gets away with it. Admit it, you can totally picture her as a vigilante superheroine, darting from rooftop to rooftop in pursuit of those who would endanger much-needed retail employment in the current recessionary times. Mary Byrne. Single-handedly saving the economy. Judges! Decide it was vocally not her best but they all love Mary and appreciate the sacrifices she has been making to protect jobs in Tesco.

Sleeping-tablet users rejoice! No need to take your medication tonight, for it’s the second performance from Rebecca Ferguson! Rebecca promises us in the intro video that we’re about to see her fun side, because she’s sick of everyone putting her in a miserable little box. That’s a terrible way to describe Liverpool, Rebecca. It seems that Rebecca’s fun side means “two backing dancers”. Rebecca is singing I Can’t Get No Satisfaction. Similar to One Direction’s warping of the rock theme, Cheryl Cole has decided that singing the Aretha Franklin version of this song still counts as Rock. Despite changing the arrangement of the song to suit Rebecca, she still struggles in some parts, but it is 10% more interesting than the first performance, which means it was about 10% interesting. Judges! All praise her, because they all like Rebecca and are letting that blind them to the fact that she’s so bloody boring.

You know who isn’t boring? Katie Waissel! No other contestant on this show has ever had such a sordid miasma of a background – the Katie Waissel Story has everything; geriatric prostitution, shadowy connections to the production staff and record companies involved in the show, Eastern European crime gangs, Satanic cults, blood sacrifices, name changes, beloved musical numbers from Disney classics, emotional haircuts, forgotten lyrics, Apprentice contestant fuck buddies and arranging Gamu’s deportation. If she could be half as sincere as she is interesting then people might actually like her. Oh well. Katie is singing Everybody Hurts, because it is so meaningful. If only she could understand these complicated emotions that the song makes reference to! It’s a much better performance than her first and much better suited to her voice. And even somewhat emotionally genuine. I guess after sacrificing all those children to Satan, and her grandmother to those gangsters, Katie has learned that everybody does indeed hurt and is thus able to sing with some conviction for once. Judges! Simon rabbits on about how it was good but not long enough.

Matt Cardle! His intro video promises a memorable rendition of a beloved song. Matt is sitting down with a guitar singing Knights in White Satin. As to whether he’s actually playing the guitar or not, your guess is as good as mine. What he definitely does do, however, is probably the best performance of the night, with another of those flawless Matt vocals. There isn’t much to make fun of, because it’s just a damn good performance. If Bieber Squad beat Matt then there is no justice in the world! Judges! Louis compliments the song choice and execution. Cheryl declares it her favourite Matt performance ever and Simon pulls the old “You really made it your own” from the Big Bag of X Factor Clichés.

And performing last, we have Cher Lloyd. Who would always have been performing last tonight, even if she hadn’t been in the bottom two last week. Honestly. Would they do something like this to manipulate people into voting for their Chosen One? Of course not. What do you think the X-Factor production team are, evil or something? Cher is performing Walk This Way, and the only thing surprising about this choice of song is that it has taken until Week 8 for Cher to perform it. The performance is... a big frantic mess. Cher is wearing a tracksuit that makes it look like it was cobbled together from bits of every outfit Big Gay Paije wore during his time on this show (so basically it looks like a rainbow vomited on Cher), and her make-up makes it look like Homer Simpson’s make-up shotgun went off in her face. Twice. There are about fifty dancers on-stage and occasionally pyrotechnics. It’s a bit hard to concentrate on the performance, which is maybe what they were hoping for. I’ll say this much for Cher though – she deserves credit for coming out and performing so confidently, without really whining about being in the bottom two last week. Or maybe the doctor who prescribed whatever mood-lifters they put in her dinner before the show deserve the kudos. Whatever. Judges! Dannii offers more honest appraisal, but let’s ignore that in favour of Simon’s improbable hyperbole. YOU WERE FANTASTIC, CHER. YOU NEVER PLAY IT SAFE, CHER. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU, CHER. YOU’RE AMAZING. Etc.

Results Show

Double elimination tonight, but before we get through that we have to suffer through international superstar Justin Bieber, international superstar Nicole Scherzinger, and Nottingham superstars The Wanted. For the uninitiated, The Wanted, performing first, are like One Direction in 5 years time. There’s a curly headed one, a sallow-skinned one (who is also the Irish one, and has cheek bones you could cut yourself on), two similar looking ones and a skinhead one who shaved his hair off to stick out a bit from the others. One Direction haven’t quite reached that point yet, but my money’s on Inferior Bieber being the one to crack and take razor to hair. The Wanted are singing their new single, Lose My Mind. Well, when I say singing, they’re miming the chorus and singing the verses. Can we give them some credit for that? Partial credit? No. No we can’t.

Then we have the complete and utter horror of the actual Justin Bieiber, no doubt come to have his people reclaim two-fifths of One Dimension for copyright infringement/unauthorised reproduction of his DNA. But while he’s doing that, he might as well promote his recently announced tour, which no doubt led to the deaths of many parents in both the UK and Ireland as they queued in sub-zero temperatures to prove to their children that they loved them by buying tickets to watch a Canadian teengager run about on stage singing songs about being in love with girls in a completely inoffensive handy-holdy way rather than the me-so-horny-when-can-we-ride-ah-c’mon-let’s-get-drunk-and-do-it way. Bieber is miming his entire performance, so I guess we can give The Wanted that partial credit after all. Bieber is also genuinely quite creepy and too wholesome to be true, and makes “call me” motions at Cheryl Cole that make me want to vomit.

Finally, we have occasional X Factor judge Nicole Sherzinger, who will be performing her solo single Poison. Unfortunately, it’s not a cover of the Alice Cooper song, but a rather over-long sub-Gaga number with a somewhat hyperactive performance accompanying it. Scherzinger appears to sing at least 90% of the song live, and in fairness, the bits she possibly mimes are because she’s being held aloft by some dancers, so we can forgive her that. Sorry, The Wanted, gotta take that partial credit from you after all.

Results! The person with the lowest number of votes will leave the competition immediately. The people second and third lowest will battle it out with maces on a tight-rope to decide who will make it into the semi-final. Or possibly just have a sing off. Rebecca is the first one through. Snore. Matt is safe. Yay. Cher is through and some people boo. And finally, unsurprisingly, One Dimension are through. We have a Mary/Wagner/Katie threeway – a terrifying prospect whatever way you cut it. Katie is gone, and is surprisingly gracious in defeat. Probably because having been in a record number of sing-offs you could have bet your first born that she’d be going tonight. Katie stomps off to ponder whether Ebola or Smallpox would be the best way to take her vengeance upon the world., while Mary and Wagner prepare for their sing-off.

Wagner is on first, singing Unforgettable. It is almost in-tune, or at least as in-tune as Wagner can possibly be. It is, dare I say it, almost good. Almost. Mary comes on-stage to sing some song called This Is My Life, which I think she sang before, possibly at judge’s houses. But in this particular sing-off, Mary could probably come on stage and sing the theme tune to Teletubbies and she’d still be through. Judges! We go to Louis first, and unlike Ms Cole when faced with choosing between her acts, he decides to make a choice and saves Mary. Danni saves Mary. Cheryl saves Mary. The judges are all very nice to Wagner and it is a surprisingly dignified exit for a man who made his first live performance urging us all to visit his Loaf Shack while playing the bongos. Fare thee well, Wagner, and all who sail in you.

X-Factor: Week Seven

LAST WEEKEND ON THE X FACTUH: Katie Waissel killed Aiden Grimshaw AND IT WAS ELECTRIC, Exuberant Voiceover Man announces. THIS WEEK! The remaining eight contestants decide to murder the legacy of the Beatles. Coincidentally, the same week Beatles songs are released on iTunes. How fortuitous. Dermot introduces the judges: this week, Cheryl is wearing chain-mail. Maybe she’s anticipating Katie’s reaction if she’s sent home.

We get a pre-recorded message from Paul McCartney, telling us that by the time we see it he will be far, far away. He’s either left the country to avoid the compulsion for revenge on the people murdering all of his hits, or he’s also anticipating the bloodbath that will ensue if Katie goes this week and reckons he’ll be safer in Brazil. Oh Paul, Katie’s rage does not respect international borders. He says it’s a great tribute to have so many of the songs he wrote covered by the X-Factor contestants, as he rolls around in a bathtub full of money and masturbates while looking at his bank balance.

First to sing is the last remaining bit of male eye-candy (unless you’re a paedophile, in which case you don’t have to wait long: One Direction are up soon) – Matt Cardle. Matt is sad that Aiden is gone but happy that for the first time on the show he’s going to have dancers. It’s nice that he was able to move on so quickly. I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN YOU, AIDEN! Matt is singing Come Together, except they’ve slutted it up a bit to make it different to Olly Murs’ “iconic” performance last year. They didn’t need to change the arrangement, to be honest – Matt’s performance is instantly 20 times better than Olly’s by virtue of the fact that there’s no stupid dancing and that he isn’t Olly Murs. It starts off odd as Matt does a manly snarly thing that doesn’t really work, but I’m sure the audience don’t care because he’s wearing a vest and has nice arms. And abandons the snarling in favour of actual competent singing for the chorus. Judges! Louis thinks something was missing (a t-shirt?), Cheryl thinks it’s nice to see Matt do something a bit more upbeat and Cowell spends a lot of time talking about Matt’s lack of shirt but eventually compliments the vocal, although at that point he’s been drowned out by the audience screaming to have Matt’s babies. “That was absolutely dripping” says Dannii. Yes.

Cher Lloyd is up second and as ever, emotionally deadpans her way through it as she tells us that she spends her days listening to her iPod and really gets on with Cheryl Cole and wants to change her name to Cheryl and get divorced like Cheryl and sing Cheryl’s songs and do community service for calling a black woman a jigaboo like Cheryl. Cher is singing Imagine which isn’t technically a Beatles song but I’m sure Louis will point that out as part of his role as Keeper of the Rules (When It Suits Him). Cher’s performance is pretty sluggish... whatever they’ve done to the arrangement of the song seems to have slowed it down so much that Cher actually starts to go backwards in time and, using her knowledge of the future, manages to save 58 children that Katie Waissel would otherwise have killed. Judges! Louis doesn’t point out that Imagine wasn’t really in keeping with the theme, presumably because Cowell has told Minogue and Walsh they’ll be shot if they dare criticise the wave of the future. Dannii thought it was fantastic! Simon talks all about how great Cher is and how he doesn’t like the stories in the press saying she’s a bit of a twat because he hates spending millions on PR and media advisors only to see it all blow up when the public decide to think differently and wishes everyone would just do what he says and believe what he tells them and consume only SyCo products and services. He then fixates on the staircase Cher sat on for the whole performance and blames Cheryl for it and it is all a bit bizarre.

Time to take off your pants and tie them around your head to drown out sight and sound – it’s One Direction! This week, the moppets got to watch England vs France, and they got lots of England football merchandise, which must have been awkward for Irish Bieber. Quick, someone tell Sinn Fein that ITV are making him wear England jerseys – it’ll incense them even more than when he was forced at the end of a gun to wear a poppy for Remembrance Sunday. Simon explains that Beatles week is the perfect opportunity for One Dimension, because just like the Beatles, they’re all talented singers, have a strong core of songwriting talent and the world at their feet. Curly Haired Bieber is a massive Beatles fan because he’s the most non-mainstream looking of the boys and thus the one of these 16-18 year olds most likely to have heard songs from the 60s, or so the producers decided when they got him to parrot that line. Can they shine this week, Simon asks rhetorically. One hundred million percent, he answers, as the X-Factor percentage inflation game GETS FUCKING SERIOUS. Vomit Squad are singing All You Need is Love. In a shocking twist, this week three members of Fuckwits United get to take lead – in addition to Curly Haired Bieber and Superior Bieber Clone Bieber as usual, Irish Bieber gets to sing a bit. Maybe that was his reward for pretending to be English. Then again, considering we’re about to take 7 Billion off the British, maybe the producers were being kind to him by creating a little confusion about his nationality. The song? Is awful. All over the place vocally and they continue to do that bit at the end of their performance where they all hug and bounce about like excitable puppies with floppy fringes who are the best friends ever and on the Katie Waissel Sincerity Scale it scores at least 7.3 Disingenuous Points. Judges! Louis throws his underwear at them. Dannii becomes the first judge to ever dare criticise One Direction and is promptly banished for such belligerence. Cheryl loves them and SUNSHINE.

It’s everyone’s favourite singing single mother (now that we’ve all forgotten Stacey Solomon) up next; Rebecca Ferguson! Her intro-vid is all about how close she and Cheryl are, because we have to dispel those press rumours that Cole is putting all her time and effort into Chosen One Waissel and Chosen One Lloyd. Cheryl’s door is always open for Rebecca to come in and have a chat! Isn’t that sweet? Beatles week means a lot to Rebecca, as she is from Liverpool and went to the same church as the Fab Four, played on Abbey Road, Penny Lane and Strawberry Field and conceived both her children while living in a yellow submarine. Needless to say, Ballad-Queen is singing Yesterday. It isn’t as good as Rebecca has been in recent weeks – she struggles in several parts and can’t decide whether she’s up or down at others so just decides to warble all over the place. She pulls it together enough in the second half to have the audience eating out of her hand by the end. Judges! Louis calls her a class act, then throws two darts at his dartboard of clichés and tells her “You made it your own!” and “I want to see you in the final!”. Dannii Minogue continues trying to give truthful, constructive criticism and is of course torn a new one by the audience for it. Cowell explains that he likes Rebecca because he always feels she means every word, and working in the music industry for so long it’s become a nice novelty for him to meet people with actual emotions.

Mary Tesco! Mary tells us that X-Factor is the best thing that has happened to her since she won the Christmas Raffle at work in 2007 and got a Clubcard with 800,000 points pre-loaded on it. Mary is going to be singing Something... the song called Something, that is. Specifically the Shirley Bassey (Aha!) cover version. Now it all makes sense. To be fair to Mary, it’s probably the best she’s been in weeks, but she’s really going to struggle next week when they’ve to do two songs each and she’s going to be called out on her lack of versatility. Judges! Dannii liked it and says Mary needs to be that confident every week. Cheryl likes that Mary sings with experience, because she’s lived life. Cowell says it was a perfect song choice and praises Mary for her return to form.

It’s Paije Richardson and therefore it’s time for my favourite part of the show – Guesing What Other Black Person Louis Walsh Will Compare Paije To. According to Louis, last week Paije was a Little Luthor Vandross and the week before that a Little Lenny Henry. What shall he be this week? A Little Barrack Obama? A Little Robert Mugabe? A Little Diana Ross? Paije will be singing Let It Be, from atop a raised platform. The kind you’d see at a political rally... like a Little Malcolm X? The performance is good, if a little Southern Baptist Choir, making Paije like a Little Jesse Jackson? Judges! Louis says Paije got his mojo back and gives out to Simon for saying Paije would never win... and then compares him to a Little Marvin Gaye! That statement was at least 33% correct anyway. Cheryl gets in on the game by saying Paije is just A Little Paije... Oh Cheryl, you just don’t get how this game works, do you? Cowell says he may have been a bit rude last week and praises Paije for tonight’s performance. Dannii wishes Paije a Happy Birthday and Dermot notes that Paije must be happy with the positive comments particularly after he was murdered last week. Like a Little Martin Luther King.

Louis advises us to fasten our seatbelts, because it’s Wagner time. This leads me to briefly imagine what sort of vehicle Wagner would drive: a safari jeep (all the better to hunt lions as gifts for lady-friends), a segway scooter (unsteady, off-kilter and impossible to stop)... before I finally realise... there’s only one vehicle Wagner would be seen dead in:

In his intro video, Wagner mentions the boos he has been receiving – “Some people don’t like Pavarotti, some people don’t like Bob Dylan. If some people don’t like me, it’s acceptable.” It’s a bit unfair to compare those lesser musicians to yourself, Wagner. Wagner explains that he loves singing because it takes you to another dimension in which there is only beauty. Proof positive, as though it were needed, that Wagner’s abilities are out of this world. This week, Wagner is doing 3 Beatles songs, because we have now reached the point where even two songs cannot contain the reality-shattering power of his voice. Wagner starts off with Get Back, moves on to Hippy Hippy Shake (which is when the dancers come on to do their booty-shekkin, naturally enough... no sign of Mrs Wagner this week, clearly the marriage has now run its course) which involves so much thrusting that several women in the front row of the audience tear their clothes off and scream for Wagner to take them right there, right then. But nothing can distract Wagner from his art, and he moves seamlessly (well, I exaggerate slightly... there are many seams in the performance, generally in the shape of several hundred missed notes) on to Hey Jude. And. Well. You’d think it’d be fairly easy to get those Na Na Na Nas of Hey Jude, wouldn’t you? It would take someone special to completely miss about50% of them and then mangle the pronunciation of Jude. But as we are all painfully aware, our Wagner is one special man. Judges! Danni is lost for words... but it’s okay as Cheryl Cole has more than enough to say – taking Wagner to task for comments made to a journalist about how she should count herself lucky as she’s just a girl from a council estate who got lucky. Wagner retaliates with a charm offensive that leaves Cheryl Cole about as convinced as the Irish electorate are that they need to re-elect Fianna Fail.

AND FINALLY, it’s Katie Waissel. You might have heard of her. Last week, Katie survived a record fourth sing-off, because people forgot to vote for my TV boyfriend. Alas, Katie has now used up every bit of demon hell-spawn in the underworld to ensure her survival, and has now had to turn to the Russian mafia for assistance in ensuring she stays in the show. Unfortunately, after having some stories about Katie translated into Cyrillic, the mafia realised that her promise to pay them “when I win” was a somewhat unsteady one and came looking for their money. In a bid to avoid capture, Katie has abandoned her blonde locks in favour of an Emma Watson ‘do. Oh Katie, is nothing about you original? She has also changed her name to Famous McFamewhore. The new ‘do at least gives her a chance to start over and reconnect with the public, and put all the bad weeks behind her. After all, a makeover worked for Danyl Johnson last year, didn’t it? Oh. Wait. As subtle as ever, Katie has decided to sing Help. And to give credit where it is due, she is very, very good. And for once, she even seems emotionally connected to the song. Louis Walsh, Wagner’s mentor, says that Katie deserves to remain in the show because it’s a singing competition and she can really sing. Ahem. Kylie’s sister makes the very valid point that every week Katie comes out and says “This is the real me!” and every week it’s something completely different. Katie's response? “This is the real me!” Also: Criticising Bieber Squad AND Katie in the same show? Cowell is going to kill her. Cowell isn’t confused! He loves Katie and Katie is great and everyone should vote for Katie and Katie is a genius.

Results Show!

No execrable group song opening the show tonight. Because they’re saving it for a good cause after the ad breaks! But first, because no one demanded it – it’s the return of Olly Murs. In case you didn’t feel it when the world of music was rocked to its foundations; Olly’s debut single went to number 1, so he’s here to whore the follow up: a pretty forgettable number whose writers probably had the brief of “Olly is a cheeky chappy. Write a song for a cheeky chappy that makes him come across as a bit of a cheeky chappy.” There is also, of course, a patented Olly Murs Stupid Dance Routine that makes me want to vomit on his face and push his eyeballs in with my thumbs. But then again, I feel that way about a lot of people on this show, so maybe Olly isn’t so bad.

Execrable group song! This year, the contestants are murdering David Bowie’s Heroes in aid of Help for Heroes, and I can’t help but feel that everyone, but especially David Bowie, would’ve preferred it if Cowell had just written H4H a big fat cheque instead. Oh well, worthy cause and all that. Even if it does mean people like Storm Lee and Katie Waissel will get to say that technically they’ve had a number 1 single. The performance, as ever, is mimed and, as ever, badly so.

Results! KATIE WAISSEL IS SAFE. Now she just has to work out a way to pay off those Eastern European Gangsters. One Dimension and Rebecca are safe. Matt and Mary are through. We’re down to Cher, Paije and Wagner... WAGNER IS SAFE. Paije’s song for survival will be Stop, while Cher, who is about to enter a complete catatonic shutdown such is her shock at being in the bottom two, will be singing Stay. Again. Which seems a bit cheeky, repeating a song from only 2 or 3 weeks ago that you were lauded for by the judges, but I guess the Chosen Ones can do what they want.

Paije pulls out all the stops and gives a very impressive performance, like a Little Jamelia, but he knows there’s no point, because he’s not Cher. Cher could crawl around in circles on-stage humming the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and the judges would still save her. Cher comes on and does her repeat performance of Stay, which is less impressive than the first time around because Cher’s confidence has been shot and she’s a bit of a mess. It’s still mostly very good but slightly awkward as the poor girl looks like she’s about to collapse and start crawling around in circles humming the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star at any point.

Judges! All agree that neither of these two should be in the bottom two. Simon saves Cher, obviously, while Dannii and Cheryl go for their respective acts. Louis, of course, milks his bit for all it’s worth, but decides to save Cher and then waits for Simon to pat him on the head. Paije leaves us, and his dreams of stardom behind, like a Little Failed X-Factor Contestant.

X-Factor: Week Six

Welcome to Week 6 of Saving Katie Waissel. This week, the theme is Elton John songs, because if there is one thing that the X-Factor voting youth of today appreciate, it’s the paino-led ballads of 63 year old flower-loving homosexuals who had their heyday in the 1970s.

First up is Big Gay Paije, whose intro video reveals that while the contestants were casually hanging around in a hotel conveniently next door to where the Harry Potter premiere was taking place, casually talking about how much they’d like to do something to promote the film to 13 million people on a Saturday night, Daniel Radcliffe just happened to potter (sorry) by and introduce himself. We find out that Paije was an extra in one of the HP films, where he played Nubious Noire, a young man expelled from Hogwarts for trying to find an alchemical cure for homosexuality. Cowell tells us that Paije will be singing an utterly bizarre song, which can of course mean only one thing: Crocodile Rock. And sure enough, Paije saunters on stage to show us all his la-la-la-la-las. The backing dancers are wearing faux-fros. Maybe they’re trying to get in on the whole Movember thing. Or maybe they’re just slightly racist. Paije is definitely improving – he only runs out of breath twice this week. JUDGES! Louis didn’t like it, he would’ve preferred if Dannii had picked something more recent. Recent? Elton John? Sure. Cheryl Cole opens her mouth and some confused bats flutter out. And Simon thinks Paije just can’t compete with some of the bigger singers. Oh Simon, can’t you see that Paije is easily the biggest singer of the lot?

Next on is my TV boyfriend Aiden Grimshaw and his Amazingly Broad Shoulders. Slightly unusual to put two contestants belonging to one judge on after one another, but I can’t pretend to understand the machinations of the X Factor producers. I can however speculate that the reasons are ENTIRELY EVIL. Aiden is singing Rocket Man in that inimitable Aiden style. Well, you could imitate it, but your friends and family might have you locked up for fear you’re going to hurt them. The performance is a bit flat but picks up towards the end and the audience reaction is good. Perhaps because they all want to fuck him as well. Speaking of people who want to fuck Aiden, Louis liked the performance and says that if Elton was watching (presumably in an ostentatiously furnished, palatial living room filled with hyacinths, lilies and gladiolas while sipping champagne from a flute being held by an underwear model named Rolando) he would have loved it too. Louis knows this because all homosexuals share a collective consciousness that allows for the super-fast exchange of thoughts. Right now, for example, I’m aware that Perez Hilton is eating a doughnut and using MS Paint to draw cum on a female celebrity’s face.

Mary Tesco is on next, ready to scan herself into our hearts. Mary’s intro video is about how lonely she is for her daughter, Debbie Booorne. We see Mary on the phone making one of her thrice-daily calls to Debs Booorne, and I pause at this scene to note that Mary has about 50,000 medical items on the locker next to her bed, and what appears to be a large bottle of Bulmers/Magners on the floor next to a load of shopping bags. I now imagine that Mary takes her meds with cider, and it makes me love her a little bit more. Mary met Imelda Staunton at the Harry Potter premiere and the two of them went out on the piss and had a conversation about which British accent they hated the most. Mary is singing Can You Feel the Love Tonight? – the song from that bit in the Lion King when Simba gets his hole with Nala. I bet when Wagner heard Mary rehearsing this one he thought his luck was in. It is better than last week but Mary isn’t back to being Tesco’s Finest just yet. Judges! Dannii gives a level-headed appraisal, Cheryl says something nice because she’s trying to recover from last week, and Simon says the performance only really worked because Mary has a heart. Unlike the other contestants, who’e had theirs harvested by Katie Waissel for sacrifice to whichever of Satan’s dread lords she’s worshipping this week.

Speak of the devil-worshipper, Katie is up next. Katie had a magical time at the premiere, because there were lots of teenage virgins there so it was easy for her to come by the 50 litres of warm blood she needed to bargain with Beelzebub. Katie is singing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting, which is somewhat inaccurate given that Sunday is when she finds herself in the sing-off every week. Katie’s voice isn’t powerful enough for the shouty bits... it is something of a shambolic performance but she was always going to struggle with this particular theme. Judges! Louis criticises the song choice, and says it could be Katie’s last week in the competition. For the first time ever, I’d like to live on Planet Louis. During her chit-chat with Dermot, Katie says she’d like to dedicate her performance to all the sick children she put in hospital during the week when she accidentally released the demon from The Exorcist.

Matt Cardle! Last week, Matt enchanted the world with his effortless falsetto. But as Cheryl Cole reminds us in Matt’s video, you’re only as good as your most recent performance. And for those of you playing X-Factor Cliché Bingo at home, you can cross off the part saying “110%”, as Matt decides to unload that particular X-Factor staple during his chinwag. Matt will be singing Goodbye Yellow Brick Road because it has lots of Ooooohs and Aaaaahs in it where he can show off his vocal gymnastics. There’s not a lot to say about this one – another good vocal from Matt, who probably hasn’t put a foot wrong yet. Louis congratulates him on his consistency, Cheryl says something nice but dim and Cowell is positive also.

Cher Lloyd soullessly porcelain-doll-faces her way through another intro video, as she emotionlessly tells us how she loves being in the show and could never be a checkout girl or shelf-stacker - NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT she hastily adds, not wanting to alienate a sizeable chunk of voting audience. Louis says Cher is brave this week because she’s going to be singing on-stage on her own. Like Mary Byrne, Matt Cardle and Aiden Grimshaw have been doing since Week 1, you mean? Cher is singing Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word. Well, when I say singing – there is of course a rap in the middle that we could’ve done without but overall it’s a pretty good, assured performance, and to give her credit where it is due, Cher seems to know her voice well enough to know not to stretch it too far when she is singing, unlike some Waissels I could mention. Judges! Loved it, because Cher is one of the Chosen Ones they want in the final.

Time to undo your zippers, folks, cos it’s WAGNER time. I’m not going to lie; I think Wagner could be in trouble this week. After all, Mr Fiuzo-Carrilho is clearly going to have trouble getting into his personal performance space and trying to identify with a flamboyant gay piano-player. And without that ability to step into the artist’s shoes as he does so effortlessly week-in and week-out, Wagner’s performance could lack that essential Wagnerian spark that sets him apart as the voice of a generation of sex offenders. I suffer a minor brain explosion as Daniel Radcliffe is shown asking Wagner what’s the story with that famous picture of him holding the lion by the tail, to which Wagner casually explains “It was a lady-friend’s lion.” Of course. What else would it be? Wagner is performing another mash-up, of course, this time it’s I’m Still Standing and Circle of Life. There’s an odd bit where the performance is delayed and Dermot has to chat with Louis while we wait for Wagner to make it on-stage, presumably as he was busy seducing some lady-dancers backstage. In one of Brian Friedman’s more inspired decisions, he has decided that Wagner should be accompanied on-stage by his bride from last week’s Viva Las Vegas wedding performance, further strengthening my belief that she and Wagner are indeed actually married. The only way it’ll work is if it’s an open relationship. There’s an amazing moment where we flash to the judges to see Simon Cowell slack-jawed in disbelief and Dannii Minogue holding her face in her hands due to the sheer wonder of Wagner singing everything but the correct notes. Judges! Cheryl says she loves watching the things that go on around Wagner, that he gives it is all every week, and that she will continue to avoid commenting on the actual performance lest the public turn on her (further).

Lock up your daughters’ mobile phones, because One Dimension are next! No, please, someone ban girls under 18 from using their phones for one weekend, just to save us from Bieber Squad. Their intro video is all about how hot Emma Watson is. Yes boys, but she’s also got a brain so forget about it and focus on the thousands of girls voting for you every weekend instead. The Biebers will be singing There’s Something About The Way You Look Tonight. Muslim Bieber distinguishes himself from the pack this week by echoing every word that Curly Headed Bieber sings, in the unique key of Out-of-Tune. If these boys duetted with Wagner I think every cat in the nation would stick its head in the air simultaneously. The performance is accompanied by gigantic headshots of the boys staring out looking doe-eyed, needy and wounded as subliminal subtitles flicker on-screen saying “Your favourite one is singing this lyric to you! And only you! VOTE NOW! VOTE OFTEN! BUY THE MAGAZINE!” Judges! All love One Dimension because Cowell has a gun to their contracts.

Rounding out the show tonight, we have Rebecca Ferguson singing Candle in the Wind. The Marilyn Monroe one, mind, not the Princess Diana one. I guess it’s still too soon. And too mawkish. It suits Rebecca’s heartfelt voice quite well. Also suiting Rebecca quite well are the pair of Pat Butcher-esque chandalearrings she’s wearing. They’re quite distracting. Lucky for us, it’s just Rebecca on-stage singing, so we don’t have to worry about missing one of Brian Friedman’s amazing pieces of dance-art due to Rebecca’s choice of ear-wear.

RESULTS SHOW!

Our group song is Can’t Stop Movin’. It is possibly the biggest travesty of a group song ever, which is really saying something. Paije and Aiden completely mess up their miming, Bieber Squad are even more auto-tuned than usual (I refuse to believe that Curly Headed Bieber can hit that slightly-high note without digital jiggerypokery helping him along) but Inferior Clone of Bieber Bieber does a little booty-shaking with Mary Byrne, so I guess it isn’t all bad.

The next 35 minutes are what I will refer to as Boyband Fest 2010: JLS, Westlife and Take That appear in order to whore out their Children in Need single, non-Children in Need single and first performance as a fivesome/arena tour respectively. Poor JLS, it must have been hard for them to resist planting an explosive in One Dimension’s dressing room. Those five boys are like a Doomsday clock ticking down to JLS’s irrelevance. Their Children in Need single is a by the numbers pop ballad, but At Least It’s All For A Good Cause™. We’ll be trotting that one out again in a week or two when the X-Factor finalists release their back-alley abortion version of David Bowie’s Heroes.

Westlife’s song is notable for being possibly the first single they’ve released in about 9 years that isn’t a cover version. The lead singer bloke with the square head and dark hair (please no one ever ask me to tell them apart by name) has gotten quite pudgy, bless him. I struggle to find anything of interest to say about Westlife, because they are Westlife and anything they do is only of interest to that hard core of demented people who continue to buy their singles and go to their tours each and every year, presumably because they were sat down in one of those chairs from A Clockwork Orange at some point in the early 00s and brainwashed into forever supporting Westlife, regardless of how banal their output becomes.

Completing the testosterone triumvirate is Take That, reunited for the first time since whatever year they split up in. They perform The Flood, a somewhat overproduced number that isn’t half as catchy as some of the tunes Gary Barlow has shat out of his pop-o-matic since the group initially reformed as a foursome before dwindling solo sales forced Robbie to run back with his tail between his legs. Speaking of Mr Williams, he doesn’t make quite as much of an arse of himself as he did the last time he was on the X-Factor, but he does try a little too hard to belt out the notes, either in a bid to outdo arch-rival Barlow or because he just really wants to spend 4 minutes on live television looking like he’s constipated. You decide.

On to the results! Cher, Matt and Rebecca are safe. Wand Erection are through. WAGNER LIVES! Mary is safe. Leaving.... Paije, Aiden and Katie... and Paije is safe. No one looks more shocked at this news than Paije himself, who quickly bounces off stage before someone can tell him it was a mistake. Careful Paije, you’ll give yourself a coronary. Aiden sings for survival first, with Crowded House’s Don’t Dream It’s Over. It is an okay performance, somewhat awkward but fairly competent. His Amazingly Broad Shoulders put in a good effort on backing vocals, capably aided by his Smouldering Stares. Katie Waissel shambles on-stage, and I think for a moment that she’s finally run out of sing-off songs and might have to resort to the National Anthem, or maybe Du Hast. Katie sings some Christina Aguilera album track called You’re Going to Save Me. Say what you will about the girl, but she knows how to pick sing-off tracks with appropriate titles.

Judges! I should not let it go without comment that tonight, Cheryl Cole is wearing her hair like a cross between Princess Leia and Satan. We go to Simon first. He thinks for a while. Then he thinks some more. Then, just when you think he’s finished thinking, he decides to spend some more time thinking. Eventually, he decides to save Katie, because he sold his soul to the devil many, many years ago and Satan and Katie are really close these days. Dannii saves Aiden and Cheryl actually manages to make a decision this week and saves Katie. Last week Louis had to decide whether to listen to his heart or his head – this week it is a simple enough matter of listening to his cock, so he saves Aiden. DEADLOCK. The act with the lowest votes from the public will be eliminated. Katie simpers and whimpers and grasps Aiden’s hand. If she’s voted off she’ll superglue her palm to his so they can’t get rid of her. But, no need for the adhesives this week, as Aiden has the lowest votes and is eliminated. Katie looks troubled, because she has now run out of demonic beings to sacrifice children to (as well as children in general, having killed all of them in the Greater London area), but then she looks relieved as she remembers she still has a grandmother she can sell. So long, Nana Waissel.

X-Factor: Week Five

Week 5! OF! THE X-FACTUH! Previously: Katie Waissel saw off the challenge of Belle Amie in the second sing off for each. Waissel later murdered several infants and placed their corpses in a pentagram as offering to her favoured gods for seeing her through another week. THIS WEEK! American Anthems is the theme, which, given how seriously we’re taking themed weeks probably means any song that has ever been released on the same planet as America.

First up, after the ten minutes of padding that starts the show, is Cher Lloyd. Cher’s American Anthem is Empire State of Mind, meaning we’re back to familiar territory as she “raps” and does some ugly faces while the dancers lark about on skateboards in chav clothes from Penney’s. I’m sure we’ve seen the same staging and backing performance in just about every Cher Lloyd performance thus far. I guess this is what Cowell means when he continuously bleats on about how relevant and current Cher is. Judges! Louis thinks Cher will be in the final, Dannii thinks the song was written for Cher and Cowell didn’t like it because he’s playing a canny game and wants to encourage people to vote for Cher by badmouthing her himself.

Mary Tesco is up next, singing Faith Hill’s There You’ll Be, from Pearl Harbour. For those of you keeping track of the attempts at thoroughly modernising Mary, this song is from 2001, meaning Mary’s jumped forward in time by about three decades since last week’s performance. This week, she’s really struggling and it’s certainly the worst we’ve ever seen from her. She’s definitely missing something, and I think I know what it is – the devil horns. If they give Mary a prop to put on her noggin I bet she’ll be back to her power ballad belting self in no time. Performance finished, Mary looks devastated because she knows it was as awful as a pensioner coming to her checkout 2 minutes before she finishes work. Judges! All of them are aware it was awful, but look forward to seeing Mary back her usual self next week. A quick jaunt with Wagner will set her right.

Katie Waissel! The intro video shows Katie falling off-stage after last week’s sing-off and into Rebecca Ferguson’s arms as she wails “I HATE THIS!” and has a pretend panic attack. This week’s attempt to get the public on Katie’s side revolves around dispelling some of the myths around her – so we get 5 seconds glossing over her previous attempts to make it in the music biz without actually mentioning the fact that she was suspiciously released from her record deal to appear on the huge publicity platform that is the X-Factor, nor does it deal with her extensive ties to people behind the scenes of the show. Katie is singing No Doubt’s Don’t Speak... accompanied by a hilarious video of Katie having a breakdown with mascara running down her face in several rivulets. Hey Waissel, if you want us to feel sympathy for you, here’s an idea – don’t make light of your own well-publicised supposed breakdown. Also, judging by the performance in the video, Katie should definitely stick to the singing rather than the amateur dramatics. The performance isn’t great – Katie ain’t Gwen Stefani. Judges! Louis liked it, because Louis is slowly becoming Paula Abdul and likes everyone these days, even soulless amoral monsters like Katie. Dannii says she only likes Katie when she’s in the sing off, which I guess means Dannii likes the smell of desperation and Simon says it fell apart in the middle.

Aiden Grimshaw and his Amazingly Broad Shoulders have an intro video wherein himself and Dannii basically decide that they’re not going to attempt to de-intensify his performances, which I guess means that several thousand children will continue having nightmares about a broad shouldered teenager of ambiguous sexuality with hipster hair coming to murder them in the dead of night. Aiden is singing the Sinead O’Connor version of Nothing Comapres 2 U, but it was originally written by Prince so I suppose it remains thematically valid. Aiden peppers his performance with a few smiles which I guess means himself and Dannii were lying. Either that or he was remembering the brains and fava beans he has waiting in the fridge to reheat. Judges! Louis can’t find anything negative to say, because he has a crush on Aiden, Cheryl has accepted Aiden’s intensity because he probably sent her her mother’s little finger in an envelope, and Cowell is highly impressed by Aiden’s performance of a song he only decided to do 24 hours ago, presumably because they forgot to clear the rights to whatever he had intended to perform originally.

Big Gay Paije! Continuity error! As Paije is opening the door to leave his house in his intro video, his Big Gay Fashion Scarf is tied; but when we see him emerge from outside his house, the Big Gay Fashion Scarf is no longer tied. Oh Paije, is everything you say and do a lie? Or did you just collapse into a breathless mess from the exertion of opening the door and have to wait an hour to film the bit where you leave the house? You fat bastard. Paije is doing a mash up of I’m a Believer and Hey Ya. It’s probably his best performance to date, although he still runs out of breath from the effort of walking around the stage. One can only imagine the fun Brian Friedman has coming up with the staging for a Paije performance knowing that just getting him to lift the microphone might leave him wheezing near-death. Judges! Pretty much agree that it was Paije’s best performance. Louis also bizarrely compares Paije to a “young Lenny Henry”. Louis doesn’t have many black friends.

Rebecca Ferguson! Singing that song what Gamu sang at Bootcamp. The intro video is like Rebecca herself: nice but boring. Cowell was right, she really is the new Leona Lewis. The performance is good, but it doesn’t make Louis cry so we can only conclude that it wasn’t as good as Gamu at boot camp and that Gamu was robbed by the vagaries of UK immigration law. Damn you, law. Judges! They loved it, because they are determined to make us forget Gamu. But we will remember, damn you! Tiocfaidh ár Gamú!

WAGNER! Performing another mash-up, because no one song can ever contain all of Wagner’s brilliance. This week, Wagner is putting Elvis to shame with his own unique spin on Viva Las Vegas and The Wonder of You. Wagner redefines music yet again by showing that you don’t have to be in time with the music or even in-tune to be the embodiment of lyrical amazingness. It’s like that episode of The Simpsons where Lisa extols the virtues of listening to the notes that aren’t being played. The performance sees Wagner sing alongside a troupe of high-kicking, bunny-eared chorus dancers, before marrying one of them. It is truly Brian Friedman’s most accomplished routine to date, brought to life with effortless ease by the acting talent of Wagner. Presumably Wagner had the dancer playing the part of the minister officiating the ceremony replaced with an actual minister just before coming on-stage. I give it a month. Wagner could never commit to just one woman for the rest of his life. Judges! Dannii and Cheryl conspire to send Wagner to Vegas, presumably because they’re unable to deal with their lustful urges towards him. Cowell admits he likes Wagner, and the temperature in Hell drops a few degrees. Louis accuses Wagner of singing in tune on the 2^nd song. Don’t be ridiculous, Louis.

Matt Cardle! His intro video is fairly boring, all about his love of music and attempts to make it in the music biz and blah blah blah. Oh Matt, why won’t you try and emotionally blackmail us with a tale of when you had cancer as a two year old? Matt is singing The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, which he first performed at boot camp (and made Nicole Sherzingdoll cry) and just like then he’s pretty flawless this time around, and probably makes half the female population watching the show fall in love with him, thus setting them on an inevitable course for all-out war with the other 50% who adore Bieber Squad because they’re sooooo cuuuuuuute. The judges’ opinions are pretty obvious when they rise to give Matt the first four-man standing ovation of the series – each of them thought it was excellent. Matt tells Dermot he feels weak afterwards, presumably because Katie Waissel is backstage using black magic to feed off of the emotion from that performance, while she scrawls “What is this thing you humans call love?” in blood on the walls.

Next up, is Treyc and her Massive Arse and Poor Spelling. The intro video features a hilarious moment where Cheryl Cole of all people advises Treyc on how to tap into the emotion of the song. Treyc is performing Aerosmith’s I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing, from the soundtrack of Armageddon, a film about the only objects in the galaxy as wide and dangerous as Treyc’s massive arse. Given that the last time she sang a rock song she ended up in the bottom two this probably wasn’t the wisest decision. In light of the fact that she doesn’t sing it particularly well, it definitely wasn’t the wisest decision. Judges! Dannii thinks that when Treyc does rock she really sparkles. No Dannii, that’s just the expensive dental work Cowell makes every contestant undergo before letting them loose on the live shows. Cowell can’t fault it but wishes Treyc was a lion who would lick him. Or something. And Louis likes puppies and lollipops and sunshine and everything.

Finally, we have One Dimension. Intro video highlight: Cheryl Cole, realising that Simon only has one act left, says “Simon has literally got One Direction. One.” And then she beams with delight and the most empty-headed smile imaginable as though she has just delivered the must devastatingly witty piece of wordplay since Shakespeare shuffled off the mortal coil. Bieber Squad will be performing Kids in America, written by... an Englishman... originally performed by... an Englishwoman... but it has America in the title so it’s an American anthem! And they’re kids! Oh, I get it now... that is surely as clever as Cheryl’s verbal onslaught from just a few moments ago. Anyway, the performance is the usual Bieber Squad nonsense – lots of screaming from the wet-knickered 15 year old girls in the audience drowning out the boys’ failing attempts to be in tune (though it is the MOST in tune they’ve been... never let it be said I do not give praise where it is due, even to acts that make me want to claw my eyes out with my vomit covered fingernails).

Results Show!

This week’s Horrendous Group Song is Pink’s So What, and let me tell you that there is nothing more terrifying or more believable than seeing Cher Lloyd threaten to “get in a fight” through the medium of song. The big fucking pikey. In fact, when Paije appears on stage he actually looks genuinely terrified, like a big gay rabbit in the headlights. Maybe he just remembered that he’d left his laptop unlocked while his mother was in his dressing room or something. Dermot congratulates Cheryl on her album going in at number one, and Cheryl’s happy grin says she’s really chuffed about it. And the fact that Nadine Coyle’s single tickled the charts somewhere around 26^th place.

Our first guest is “singing sensation” Shayne Ward, who X-Factor have remembered actually exists after about two years of invisibility and neglect during which they decided to keep him on contract anyway. He gets some Matrix-y staging and a fairly boring song that I fail to pay attention to because the excitable intro video featured many topless photographs that for some reason gave me a compulsion to Google Image Search for “Shayne Ward shirtless”. Shayne is thankful to be back on stage, which translates roughly as “I am thankful to be back in the public consciousness even if my single is doomed to go in at number 9”.

Our next guest is genuine singing sensation Kylie Minogue, who has a bit of a love fest with her sister before performing a boring song and having another love fest with her sister. RESULTS! Aiden, Rebecca and Matt are safe. So are One Dimension. Paije is safe! He quickly runs backstage to shut down his laptop. Cher and Wagner are safe. Mary Byrne looks like she’s having a small heart attack in the time it takes for Dermot to tell her she’s safe, leaving us with a Katie/Massive Arse sing off.

Katie sings a song called Don’t Give Up On Me, in an awkward and completely desperate performance. About halfway through it isn’t clear if she’s forgotten the lyrics or just having a Katie drama-strop but she decides to sit down on her arse and belt out the words “Don’t Give Up On Me” a few times. Basically it’s an accurate representation of Our Katie in song and performance – the lyrics she emphasises speak of the desperate fame whore who REALLY NEEDS TO BE FAMOUS and the performance demonstrates all the artifice and pretence that keeps landing Katie in the bottom two. Treyc and her Massive Arse sing Unbreak My Heart. It’s competent, somewhat bland but definitely better than Ms Waissel.

Judges! Simon is torn between his hard-on for curvaceous black women and his hard-on for publicity and money, but ultimately decides to go with the latter, knowing the amount of headlines and ratings that saving Katie will generate. Cheryl Cole refuses to vote, telling Dermot to come back to her so she can send it to deadlock, but Dermot brilliantly tells her that a judge refusing to make a decision means it goes to majority vote so it is now a best-of-three. Dannii decides to save Treyc and Louis, as Simon’s bitch, decides to save Katie. Treyc and her massive arse exit stage left, get wedged in the door and have to wait for the emergency services to extricate her. I shall miss her ample posterior. Join me next week for another exciting episode of the Save Katie Waissel Show, as Katie holds a bus full of orphaned children hostage in a bid to save herself from expulsion.