X-Factor: Week Six

Welcome to Week 6 of Saving Katie Waissel. This week, the theme is Elton John songs, because if there is one thing that the X-Factor voting youth of today appreciate, it’s the paino-led ballads of 63 year old flower-loving homosexuals who had their heyday in the 1970s.

First up is Big Gay Paije, whose intro video reveals that while the contestants were casually hanging around in a hotel conveniently next door to where the Harry Potter premiere was taking place, casually talking about how much they’d like to do something to promote the film to 13 million people on a Saturday night, Daniel Radcliffe just happened to potter (sorry) by and introduce himself. We find out that Paije was an extra in one of the HP films, where he played Nubious Noire, a young man expelled from Hogwarts for trying to find an alchemical cure for homosexuality. Cowell tells us that Paije will be singing an utterly bizarre song, which can of course mean only one thing: Crocodile Rock. And sure enough, Paije saunters on stage to show us all his la-la-la-la-las. The backing dancers are wearing faux-fros. Maybe they’re trying to get in on the whole Movember thing. Or maybe they’re just slightly racist. Paije is definitely improving – he only runs out of breath twice this week. JUDGES! Louis didn’t like it, he would’ve preferred if Dannii had picked something more recent. Recent? Elton John? Sure. Cheryl Cole opens her mouth and some confused bats flutter out. And Simon thinks Paije just can’t compete with some of the bigger singers. Oh Simon, can’t you see that Paije is easily the biggest singer of the lot?

Next on is my TV boyfriend Aiden Grimshaw and his Amazingly Broad Shoulders. Slightly unusual to put two contestants belonging to one judge on after one another, but I can’t pretend to understand the machinations of the X Factor producers. I can however speculate that the reasons are ENTIRELY EVIL. Aiden is singing Rocket Man in that inimitable Aiden style. Well, you could imitate it, but your friends and family might have you locked up for fear you’re going to hurt them. The performance is a bit flat but picks up towards the end and the audience reaction is good. Perhaps because they all want to fuck him as well. Speaking of people who want to fuck Aiden, Louis liked the performance and says that if Elton was watching (presumably in an ostentatiously furnished, palatial living room filled with hyacinths, lilies and gladiolas while sipping champagne from a flute being held by an underwear model named Rolando) he would have loved it too. Louis knows this because all homosexuals share a collective consciousness that allows for the super-fast exchange of thoughts. Right now, for example, I’m aware that Perez Hilton is eating a doughnut and using MS Paint to draw cum on a female celebrity’s face.

Mary Tesco is on next, ready to scan herself into our hearts. Mary’s intro video is about how lonely she is for her daughter, Debbie Booorne. We see Mary on the phone making one of her thrice-daily calls to Debs Booorne, and I pause at this scene to note that Mary has about 50,000 medical items on the locker next to her bed, and what appears to be a large bottle of Bulmers/Magners on the floor next to a load of shopping bags. I now imagine that Mary takes her meds with cider, and it makes me love her a little bit more. Mary met Imelda Staunton at the Harry Potter premiere and the two of them went out on the piss and had a conversation about which British accent they hated the most. Mary is singing Can You Feel the Love Tonight? – the song from that bit in the Lion King when Simba gets his hole with Nala. I bet when Wagner heard Mary rehearsing this one he thought his luck was in. It is better than last week but Mary isn’t back to being Tesco’s Finest just yet. Judges! Dannii gives a level-headed appraisal, Cheryl says something nice because she’s trying to recover from last week, and Simon says the performance only really worked because Mary has a heart. Unlike the other contestants, who’e had theirs harvested by Katie Waissel for sacrifice to whichever of Satan’s dread lords she’s worshipping this week.

Speak of the devil-worshipper, Katie is up next. Katie had a magical time at the premiere, because there were lots of teenage virgins there so it was easy for her to come by the 50 litres of warm blood she needed to bargain with Beelzebub. Katie is singing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting, which is somewhat inaccurate given that Sunday is when she finds herself in the sing-off every week. Katie’s voice isn’t powerful enough for the shouty bits... it is something of a shambolic performance but she was always going to struggle with this particular theme. Judges! Louis criticises the song choice, and says it could be Katie’s last week in the competition. For the first time ever, I’d like to live on Planet Louis. During her chit-chat with Dermot, Katie says she’d like to dedicate her performance to all the sick children she put in hospital during the week when she accidentally released the demon from The Exorcist.

Matt Cardle! Last week, Matt enchanted the world with his effortless falsetto. But as Cheryl Cole reminds us in Matt’s video, you’re only as good as your most recent performance. And for those of you playing X-Factor Cliché Bingo at home, you can cross off the part saying “110%”, as Matt decides to unload that particular X-Factor staple during his chinwag. Matt will be singing Goodbye Yellow Brick Road because it has lots of Ooooohs and Aaaaahs in it where he can show off his vocal gymnastics. There’s not a lot to say about this one – another good vocal from Matt, who probably hasn’t put a foot wrong yet. Louis congratulates him on his consistency, Cheryl says something nice but dim and Cowell is positive also.

Cher Lloyd soullessly porcelain-doll-faces her way through another intro video, as she emotionlessly tells us how she loves being in the show and could never be a checkout girl or shelf-stacker - NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT she hastily adds, not wanting to alienate a sizeable chunk of voting audience. Louis says Cher is brave this week because she’s going to be singing on-stage on her own. Like Mary Byrne, Matt Cardle and Aiden Grimshaw have been doing since Week 1, you mean? Cher is singing Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word. Well, when I say singing – there is of course a rap in the middle that we could’ve done without but overall it’s a pretty good, assured performance, and to give her credit where it is due, Cher seems to know her voice well enough to know not to stretch it too far when she is singing, unlike some Waissels I could mention. Judges! Loved it, because Cher is one of the Chosen Ones they want in the final.

Time to undo your zippers, folks, cos it’s WAGNER time. I’m not going to lie; I think Wagner could be in trouble this week. After all, Mr Fiuzo-Carrilho is clearly going to have trouble getting into his personal performance space and trying to identify with a flamboyant gay piano-player. And without that ability to step into the artist’s shoes as he does so effortlessly week-in and week-out, Wagner’s performance could lack that essential Wagnerian spark that sets him apart as the voice of a generation of sex offenders. I suffer a minor brain explosion as Daniel Radcliffe is shown asking Wagner what’s the story with that famous picture of him holding the lion by the tail, to which Wagner casually explains “It was a lady-friend’s lion.” Of course. What else would it be? Wagner is performing another mash-up, of course, this time it’s I’m Still Standing and Circle of Life. There’s an odd bit where the performance is delayed and Dermot has to chat with Louis while we wait for Wagner to make it on-stage, presumably as he was busy seducing some lady-dancers backstage. In one of Brian Friedman’s more inspired decisions, he has decided that Wagner should be accompanied on-stage by his bride from last week’s Viva Las Vegas wedding performance, further strengthening my belief that she and Wagner are indeed actually married. The only way it’ll work is if it’s an open relationship. There’s an amazing moment where we flash to the judges to see Simon Cowell slack-jawed in disbelief and Dannii Minogue holding her face in her hands due to the sheer wonder of Wagner singing everything but the correct notes. Judges! Cheryl says she loves watching the things that go on around Wagner, that he gives it is all every week, and that she will continue to avoid commenting on the actual performance lest the public turn on her (further).

Lock up your daughters’ mobile phones, because One Dimension are next! No, please, someone ban girls under 18 from using their phones for one weekend, just to save us from Bieber Squad. Their intro video is all about how hot Emma Watson is. Yes boys, but she’s also got a brain so forget about it and focus on the thousands of girls voting for you every weekend instead. The Biebers will be singing There’s Something About The Way You Look Tonight. Muslim Bieber distinguishes himself from the pack this week by echoing every word that Curly Headed Bieber sings, in the unique key of Out-of-Tune. If these boys duetted with Wagner I think every cat in the nation would stick its head in the air simultaneously. The performance is accompanied by gigantic headshots of the boys staring out looking doe-eyed, needy and wounded as subliminal subtitles flicker on-screen saying “Your favourite one is singing this lyric to you! And only you! VOTE NOW! VOTE OFTEN! BUY THE MAGAZINE!” Judges! All love One Dimension because Cowell has a gun to their contracts.

Rounding out the show tonight, we have Rebecca Ferguson singing Candle in the Wind. The Marilyn Monroe one, mind, not the Princess Diana one. I guess it’s still too soon. And too mawkish. It suits Rebecca’s heartfelt voice quite well. Also suiting Rebecca quite well are the pair of Pat Butcher-esque chandalearrings she’s wearing. They’re quite distracting. Lucky for us, it’s just Rebecca on-stage singing, so we don’t have to worry about missing one of Brian Friedman’s amazing pieces of dance-art due to Rebecca’s choice of ear-wear.

RESULTS SHOW!

Our group song is Can’t Stop Movin’. It is possibly the biggest travesty of a group song ever, which is really saying something. Paije and Aiden completely mess up their miming, Bieber Squad are even more auto-tuned than usual (I refuse to believe that Curly Headed Bieber can hit that slightly-high note without digital jiggerypokery helping him along) but Inferior Clone of Bieber Bieber does a little booty-shaking with Mary Byrne, so I guess it isn’t all bad.

The next 35 minutes are what I will refer to as Boyband Fest 2010: JLS, Westlife and Take That appear in order to whore out their Children in Need single, non-Children in Need single and first performance as a fivesome/arena tour respectively. Poor JLS, it must have been hard for them to resist planting an explosive in One Dimension’s dressing room. Those five boys are like a Doomsday clock ticking down to JLS’s irrelevance. Their Children in Need single is a by the numbers pop ballad, but At Least It’s All For A Good Cause™. We’ll be trotting that one out again in a week or two when the X-Factor finalists release their back-alley abortion version of David Bowie’s Heroes.

Westlife’s song is notable for being possibly the first single they’ve released in about 9 years that isn’t a cover version. The lead singer bloke with the square head and dark hair (please no one ever ask me to tell them apart by name) has gotten quite pudgy, bless him. I struggle to find anything of interest to say about Westlife, because they are Westlife and anything they do is only of interest to that hard core of demented people who continue to buy their singles and go to their tours each and every year, presumably because they were sat down in one of those chairs from A Clockwork Orange at some point in the early 00s and brainwashed into forever supporting Westlife, regardless of how banal their output becomes.

Completing the testosterone triumvirate is Take That, reunited for the first time since whatever year they split up in. They perform The Flood, a somewhat overproduced number that isn’t half as catchy as some of the tunes Gary Barlow has shat out of his pop-o-matic since the group initially reformed as a foursome before dwindling solo sales forced Robbie to run back with his tail between his legs. Speaking of Mr Williams, he doesn’t make quite as much of an arse of himself as he did the last time he was on the X-Factor, but he does try a little too hard to belt out the notes, either in a bid to outdo arch-rival Barlow or because he just really wants to spend 4 minutes on live television looking like he’s constipated. You decide.

On to the results! Cher, Matt and Rebecca are safe. Wand Erection are through. WAGNER LIVES! Mary is safe. Leaving.... Paije, Aiden and Katie... and Paije is safe. No one looks more shocked at this news than Paije himself, who quickly bounces off stage before someone can tell him it was a mistake. Careful Paije, you’ll give yourself a coronary. Aiden sings for survival first, with Crowded House’s Don’t Dream It’s Over. It is an okay performance, somewhat awkward but fairly competent. His Amazingly Broad Shoulders put in a good effort on backing vocals, capably aided by his Smouldering Stares. Katie Waissel shambles on-stage, and I think for a moment that she’s finally run out of sing-off songs and might have to resort to the National Anthem, or maybe Du Hast. Katie sings some Christina Aguilera album track called You’re Going to Save Me. Say what you will about the girl, but she knows how to pick sing-off tracks with appropriate titles.

Judges! I should not let it go without comment that tonight, Cheryl Cole is wearing her hair like a cross between Princess Leia and Satan. We go to Simon first. He thinks for a while. Then he thinks some more. Then, just when you think he’s finished thinking, he decides to spend some more time thinking. Eventually, he decides to save Katie, because he sold his soul to the devil many, many years ago and Satan and Katie are really close these days. Dannii saves Aiden and Cheryl actually manages to make a decision this week and saves Katie. Last week Louis had to decide whether to listen to his heart or his head – this week it is a simple enough matter of listening to his cock, so he saves Aiden. DEADLOCK. The act with the lowest votes from the public will be eliminated. Katie simpers and whimpers and grasps Aiden’s hand. If she’s voted off she’ll superglue her palm to his so they can’t get rid of her. But, no need for the adhesives this week, as Aiden has the lowest votes and is eliminated. Katie looks troubled, because she has now run out of demonic beings to sacrifice children to (as well as children in general, having killed all of them in the Greater London area), but then she looks relieved as she remembers she still has a grandmother she can sell. So long, Nana Waissel.