X-Factor: Week Seven

LAST WEEKEND ON THE X FACTUH: Katie Waissel killed Aiden Grimshaw AND IT WAS ELECTRIC, Exuberant Voiceover Man announces. THIS WEEK! The remaining eight contestants decide to murder the legacy of the Beatles. Coincidentally, the same week Beatles songs are released on iTunes. How fortuitous. Dermot introduces the judges: this week, Cheryl is wearing chain-mail. Maybe she’s anticipating Katie’s reaction if she’s sent home.

We get a pre-recorded message from Paul McCartney, telling us that by the time we see it he will be far, far away. He’s either left the country to avoid the compulsion for revenge on the people murdering all of his hits, or he’s also anticipating the bloodbath that will ensue if Katie goes this week and reckons he’ll be safer in Brazil. Oh Paul, Katie’s rage does not respect international borders. He says it’s a great tribute to have so many of the songs he wrote covered by the X-Factor contestants, as he rolls around in a bathtub full of money and masturbates while looking at his bank balance.

First to sing is the last remaining bit of male eye-candy (unless you’re a paedophile, in which case you don’t have to wait long: One Direction are up soon) – Matt Cardle. Matt is sad that Aiden is gone but happy that for the first time on the show he’s going to have dancers. It’s nice that he was able to move on so quickly. I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN YOU, AIDEN! Matt is singing Come Together, except they’ve slutted it up a bit to make it different to Olly Murs’ “iconic” performance last year. They didn’t need to change the arrangement, to be honest – Matt’s performance is instantly 20 times better than Olly’s by virtue of the fact that there’s no stupid dancing and that he isn’t Olly Murs. It starts off odd as Matt does a manly snarly thing that doesn’t really work, but I’m sure the audience don’t care because he’s wearing a vest and has nice arms. And abandons the snarling in favour of actual competent singing for the chorus. Judges! Louis thinks something was missing (a t-shirt?), Cheryl thinks it’s nice to see Matt do something a bit more upbeat and Cowell spends a lot of time talking about Matt’s lack of shirt but eventually compliments the vocal, although at that point he’s been drowned out by the audience screaming to have Matt’s babies. “That was absolutely dripping” says Dannii. Yes.

Cher Lloyd is up second and as ever, emotionally deadpans her way through it as she tells us that she spends her days listening to her iPod and really gets on with Cheryl Cole and wants to change her name to Cheryl and get divorced like Cheryl and sing Cheryl’s songs and do community service for calling a black woman a jigaboo like Cheryl. Cher is singing Imagine which isn’t technically a Beatles song but I’m sure Louis will point that out as part of his role as Keeper of the Rules (When It Suits Him). Cher’s performance is pretty sluggish... whatever they’ve done to the arrangement of the song seems to have slowed it down so much that Cher actually starts to go backwards in time and, using her knowledge of the future, manages to save 58 children that Katie Waissel would otherwise have killed. Judges! Louis doesn’t point out that Imagine wasn’t really in keeping with the theme, presumably because Cowell has told Minogue and Walsh they’ll be shot if they dare criticise the wave of the future. Dannii thought it was fantastic! Simon talks all about how great Cher is and how he doesn’t like the stories in the press saying she’s a bit of a twat because he hates spending millions on PR and media advisors only to see it all blow up when the public decide to think differently and wishes everyone would just do what he says and believe what he tells them and consume only SyCo products and services. He then fixates on the staircase Cher sat on for the whole performance and blames Cheryl for it and it is all a bit bizarre.

Time to take off your pants and tie them around your head to drown out sight and sound – it’s One Direction! This week, the moppets got to watch England vs France, and they got lots of England football merchandise, which must have been awkward for Irish Bieber. Quick, someone tell Sinn Fein that ITV are making him wear England jerseys – it’ll incense them even more than when he was forced at the end of a gun to wear a poppy for Remembrance Sunday. Simon explains that Beatles week is the perfect opportunity for One Dimension, because just like the Beatles, they’re all talented singers, have a strong core of songwriting talent and the world at their feet. Curly Haired Bieber is a massive Beatles fan because he’s the most non-mainstream looking of the boys and thus the one of these 16-18 year olds most likely to have heard songs from the 60s, or so the producers decided when they got him to parrot that line. Can they shine this week, Simon asks rhetorically. One hundred million percent, he answers, as the X-Factor percentage inflation game GETS FUCKING SERIOUS. Vomit Squad are singing All You Need is Love. In a shocking twist, this week three members of Fuckwits United get to take lead – in addition to Curly Haired Bieber and Superior Bieber Clone Bieber as usual, Irish Bieber gets to sing a bit. Maybe that was his reward for pretending to be English. Then again, considering we’re about to take 7 Billion off the British, maybe the producers were being kind to him by creating a little confusion about his nationality. The song? Is awful. All over the place vocally and they continue to do that bit at the end of their performance where they all hug and bounce about like excitable puppies with floppy fringes who are the best friends ever and on the Katie Waissel Sincerity Scale it scores at least 7.3 Disingenuous Points. Judges! Louis throws his underwear at them. Dannii becomes the first judge to ever dare criticise One Direction and is promptly banished for such belligerence. Cheryl loves them and SUNSHINE.

It’s everyone’s favourite singing single mother (now that we’ve all forgotten Stacey Solomon) up next; Rebecca Ferguson! Her intro-vid is all about how close she and Cheryl are, because we have to dispel those press rumours that Cole is putting all her time and effort into Chosen One Waissel and Chosen One Lloyd. Cheryl’s door is always open for Rebecca to come in and have a chat! Isn’t that sweet? Beatles week means a lot to Rebecca, as she is from Liverpool and went to the same church as the Fab Four, played on Abbey Road, Penny Lane and Strawberry Field and conceived both her children while living in a yellow submarine. Needless to say, Ballad-Queen is singing Yesterday. It isn’t as good as Rebecca has been in recent weeks – she struggles in several parts and can’t decide whether she’s up or down at others so just decides to warble all over the place. She pulls it together enough in the second half to have the audience eating out of her hand by the end. Judges! Louis calls her a class act, then throws two darts at his dartboard of clichés and tells her “You made it your own!” and “I want to see you in the final!”. Dannii Minogue continues trying to give truthful, constructive criticism and is of course torn a new one by the audience for it. Cowell explains that he likes Rebecca because he always feels she means every word, and working in the music industry for so long it’s become a nice novelty for him to meet people with actual emotions.

Mary Tesco! Mary tells us that X-Factor is the best thing that has happened to her since she won the Christmas Raffle at work in 2007 and got a Clubcard with 800,000 points pre-loaded on it. Mary is going to be singing Something... the song called Something, that is. Specifically the Shirley Bassey (Aha!) cover version. Now it all makes sense. To be fair to Mary, it’s probably the best she’s been in weeks, but she’s really going to struggle next week when they’ve to do two songs each and she’s going to be called out on her lack of versatility. Judges! Dannii liked it and says Mary needs to be that confident every week. Cheryl likes that Mary sings with experience, because she’s lived life. Cowell says it was a perfect song choice and praises Mary for her return to form.

It’s Paije Richardson and therefore it’s time for my favourite part of the show – Guesing What Other Black Person Louis Walsh Will Compare Paije To. According to Louis, last week Paije was a Little Luthor Vandross and the week before that a Little Lenny Henry. What shall he be this week? A Little Barrack Obama? A Little Robert Mugabe? A Little Diana Ross? Paije will be singing Let It Be, from atop a raised platform. The kind you’d see at a political rally... like a Little Malcolm X? The performance is good, if a little Southern Baptist Choir, making Paije like a Little Jesse Jackson? Judges! Louis says Paije got his mojo back and gives out to Simon for saying Paije would never win... and then compares him to a Little Marvin Gaye! That statement was at least 33% correct anyway. Cheryl gets in on the game by saying Paije is just A Little Paije... Oh Cheryl, you just don’t get how this game works, do you? Cowell says he may have been a bit rude last week and praises Paije for tonight’s performance. Dannii wishes Paije a Happy Birthday and Dermot notes that Paije must be happy with the positive comments particularly after he was murdered last week. Like a Little Martin Luther King.

Louis advises us to fasten our seatbelts, because it’s Wagner time. This leads me to briefly imagine what sort of vehicle Wagner would drive: a safari jeep (all the better to hunt lions as gifts for lady-friends), a segway scooter (unsteady, off-kilter and impossible to stop)... before I finally realise... there’s only one vehicle Wagner would be seen dead in:

In his intro video, Wagner mentions the boos he has been receiving – “Some people don’t like Pavarotti, some people don’t like Bob Dylan. If some people don’t like me, it’s acceptable.” It’s a bit unfair to compare those lesser musicians to yourself, Wagner. Wagner explains that he loves singing because it takes you to another dimension in which there is only beauty. Proof positive, as though it were needed, that Wagner’s abilities are out of this world. This week, Wagner is doing 3 Beatles songs, because we have now reached the point where even two songs cannot contain the reality-shattering power of his voice. Wagner starts off with Get Back, moves on to Hippy Hippy Shake (which is when the dancers come on to do their booty-shekkin, naturally enough... no sign of Mrs Wagner this week, clearly the marriage has now run its course) which involves so much thrusting that several women in the front row of the audience tear their clothes off and scream for Wagner to take them right there, right then. But nothing can distract Wagner from his art, and he moves seamlessly (well, I exaggerate slightly... there are many seams in the performance, generally in the shape of several hundred missed notes) on to Hey Jude. And. Well. You’d think it’d be fairly easy to get those Na Na Na Nas of Hey Jude, wouldn’t you? It would take someone special to completely miss about50% of them and then mangle the pronunciation of Jude. But as we are all painfully aware, our Wagner is one special man. Judges! Danni is lost for words... but it’s okay as Cheryl Cole has more than enough to say – taking Wagner to task for comments made to a journalist about how she should count herself lucky as she’s just a girl from a council estate who got lucky. Wagner retaliates with a charm offensive that leaves Cheryl Cole about as convinced as the Irish electorate are that they need to re-elect Fianna Fail.

AND FINALLY, it’s Katie Waissel. You might have heard of her. Last week, Katie survived a record fourth sing-off, because people forgot to vote for my TV boyfriend. Alas, Katie has now used up every bit of demon hell-spawn in the underworld to ensure her survival, and has now had to turn to the Russian mafia for assistance in ensuring she stays in the show. Unfortunately, after having some stories about Katie translated into Cyrillic, the mafia realised that her promise to pay them “when I win” was a somewhat unsteady one and came looking for their money. In a bid to avoid capture, Katie has abandoned her blonde locks in favour of an Emma Watson ‘do. Oh Katie, is nothing about you original? She has also changed her name to Famous McFamewhore. The new ‘do at least gives her a chance to start over and reconnect with the public, and put all the bad weeks behind her. After all, a makeover worked for Danyl Johnson last year, didn’t it? Oh. Wait. As subtle as ever, Katie has decided to sing Help. And to give credit where it is due, she is very, very good. And for once, she even seems emotionally connected to the song. Louis Walsh, Wagner’s mentor, says that Katie deserves to remain in the show because it’s a singing competition and she can really sing. Ahem. Kylie’s sister makes the very valid point that every week Katie comes out and says “This is the real me!” and every week it’s something completely different. Katie's response? “This is the real me!” Also: Criticising Bieber Squad AND Katie in the same show? Cowell is going to kill her. Cowell isn’t confused! He loves Katie and Katie is great and everyone should vote for Katie and Katie is a genius.

Results Show!

No execrable group song opening the show tonight. Because they’re saving it for a good cause after the ad breaks! But first, because no one demanded it – it’s the return of Olly Murs. In case you didn’t feel it when the world of music was rocked to its foundations; Olly’s debut single went to number 1, so he’s here to whore the follow up: a pretty forgettable number whose writers probably had the brief of “Olly is a cheeky chappy. Write a song for a cheeky chappy that makes him come across as a bit of a cheeky chappy.” There is also, of course, a patented Olly Murs Stupid Dance Routine that makes me want to vomit on his face and push his eyeballs in with my thumbs. But then again, I feel that way about a lot of people on this show, so maybe Olly isn’t so bad.

Execrable group song! This year, the contestants are murdering David Bowie’s Heroes in aid of Help for Heroes, and I can’t help but feel that everyone, but especially David Bowie, would’ve preferred it if Cowell had just written H4H a big fat cheque instead. Oh well, worthy cause and all that. Even if it does mean people like Storm Lee and Katie Waissel will get to say that technically they’ve had a number 1 single. The performance, as ever, is mimed and, as ever, badly so.

Results! KATIE WAISSEL IS SAFE. Now she just has to work out a way to pay off those Eastern European Gangsters. One Dimension and Rebecca are safe. Matt and Mary are through. We’re down to Cher, Paije and Wagner... WAGNER IS SAFE. Paije’s song for survival will be Stop, while Cher, who is about to enter a complete catatonic shutdown such is her shock at being in the bottom two, will be singing Stay. Again. Which seems a bit cheeky, repeating a song from only 2 or 3 weeks ago that you were lauded for by the judges, but I guess the Chosen Ones can do what they want.

Paije pulls out all the stops and gives a very impressive performance, like a Little Jamelia, but he knows there’s no point, because he’s not Cher. Cher could crawl around in circles on-stage humming the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and the judges would still save her. Cher comes on and does her repeat performance of Stay, which is less impressive than the first time around because Cher’s confidence has been shot and she’s a bit of a mess. It’s still mostly very good but slightly awkward as the poor girl looks like she’s about to collapse and start crawling around in circles humming the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star at any point.

Judges! All agree that neither of these two should be in the bottom two. Simon saves Cher, obviously, while Dannii and Cheryl go for their respective acts. Louis, of course, milks his bit for all it’s worth, but decides to save Cher and then waits for Simon to pat him on the head. Paije leaves us, and his dreams of stardom behind, like a Little Failed X-Factor Contestant.