Sarah Palin: What next?

So, the good guys won and the evil empire has been beaten back for a good 4 years at least. But what of the glamourous would-be Queen of the imperial warren of gun-waving religious zealots? Whatever will Sarah Palin do now that the penis-shrinkingly terrifying prospect of her being a few irregular heartbeats away from the most powerful position in the world has been taken off the table? Here are some suggestions and speculation as to how things might pan out for her:




America’s Next Top Model: The trail has already been blazed by the Republican Ladies In Furs (see this link for a mink-wearing Ann Coulter moments before a disgruntled bear slapped her across the jaw, and we all know that Governor Palin likes to shoot non-sentients on four legs, so a move into the world of fashion, producing haute couture made from the pelts of those wide-eyed critters unlucky enough to stray into her path, makes a lot of sense. After all, there are only so many animal heads one can mount on the walls before Trig’s nursery starts to look tacky. Designer spectacle frames, power suits, fetish-underwear (oh come on, we all know she must) and a variety of lipsticks in conservative colours join luxurious fur coats and scarves in rounding out the Sensually Sarah clothing line.

Celebrity Politician: Plenty of stars have made the transition from celluloid to the political stage, so why can’t an accomplished politician like Sarah Palin do the opposite and take to the silver screen, where her wit, charm and magnetic presence would doubtlessly make her a big box-office draw. A few light, fluffy roles in rom-coms to get started (Sarah Palin plays Sissy-Ann Bradshaw in Sex and the City II; the long-lost sister of Horseface Parker’s character, who invites her newly-discovered rural sibling to New York where fish-out-of-water Sissy-Ann bumbles her way through high society, with hilarious and sometimes touching results) followed by a perceptions-shattering turn in a serious role employing method acting to Oscar-winning aplomb (playing Selina Kyle, the deranged Catwoman in Batman 3: Darkest Knight; a force of nature who tears through Gotham in the guise of a modern day Robin Hood, violently stealing from the rich and giving to the poor in a bid to ignite a socialist revolution in the politically fraught city) and critical claim for the emotionally demanding role that will see her become hooked to painkillers and Strepsils.

Earth Mother: In an interview with Katie Couric, Palin reveals the real reason behind her fondness for hunting: namely, that she does so in order to rebalance ecologies on the precipice of disaster as a result of man’s refusal to live in harmony with nature. She further explains her position in a startling and emotional documentary, Chasing the Dragon, which follows Palin as she explores the arid Xi’sua region of Burma, a habitat on the verge of disaster following the corrupt government’s incessant logging activities. A tear-soaked, mascara-streaked Palin kills several Komodo Dragons in order to rebalance the food chain in this sensitive environment and give the many rare species that call it home a glimmer of hope for survival. She follows this with a TV special in which she charts the political career of imprisoned Burmese president Aung San Suu Kyi, and concludes by calling on the free people of the world to wear white rubber arm bands in a show of solidarity with the captive political activist.