Next week! Is the X-Factor final! At WEM-BULL-EE ARENA! And
you decide who gets there! I can’t believe I only have two more days of
Voiceover Man in my life until he goes into hibernation again. Anyway, before
we get to the FUCKING FOUR HOUR FINAL NEXT WEEKEND, which will probably kill
me, we have to make it through the rest of this mess. Dermot informs us that four
contestants remain and one will depart. Unless the rules change in the next 20
minutes, that is. Then he spends 30 minutes going through the various different
ways of voting, and then a further 90 minutes chanting the phone numbers at us.
Oh, and the Charity Single is number one. Who would have guessed, what with the
promotional juggernaut of this show behind it. Then there’s a horrendous group
song of some number that I’ve never heard before. Apparently, it’s from the
film Bridesmaids so I guess it’ll be familiar to the show’s voter demographic
of middle aged women and gays.
Interminable recap with occasional bits of backstage
nonsense time! Unfortunately the backstage nonsense is completely and utterly
boring so let’s ignore it and the entire recap. Oh god, they’re doing awkward live
backstage banter between Dermot and the contestants again. Marcus has a rumbly
in his tummy! Amelia is the comeback kid! Misha can’t interview for fuck. People
from South Shields can’t speak English! The end.
Next up is Justin Bieber.
Following that, is devout Christian Kelly Rowland, singing one of her many, many songs about casual sex. Well, actually, it’s a medley of When Love Takes Over, Dahn For Whutevah and about two seconds of Commander. It’s not the worst performance ever (that honour still belongs to Nicole Sherznger. Both times.) but when you’ve managed to make Cheryl Cole’s performances look good you’re probably doing something wrong. Then again, she sings live, which is more than the Colester ever managed, so maybe it’s a draw. The performance amounts to Learn How To Strip With Ms K. About halfway through she ends up in her underwear, and by the end I was 95% certain the tit-top would come off and she’d finish the performance with some tassles. Dermot arrives for the post-performance interview and doesn’t know where to look at the mostly naked Ms Rowland. Into her eyes, Dermot. Look into her eyes. Kelly implores us to buy her album because she just did a striptease on live television and doesn’t want it to have been for nothing.
Following that, is devout Christian Kelly Rowland, singing one of her many, many songs about casual sex. Well, actually, it’s a medley of When Love Takes Over, Dahn For Whutevah and about two seconds of Commander. It’s not the worst performance ever (that honour still belongs to Nicole Sherznger. Both times.) but when you’ve managed to make Cheryl Cole’s performances look good you’re probably doing something wrong. Then again, she sings live, which is more than the Colester ever managed, so maybe it’s a draw. The performance amounts to Learn How To Strip With Ms K. About halfway through she ends up in her underwear, and by the end I was 95% certain the tit-top would come off and she’d finish the performance with some tassles. Dermot arrives for the post-performance interview and doesn’t know where to look at the mostly naked Ms Rowland. Into her eyes, Dermot. Look into her eyes. Kelly implores us to buy her album because she just did a striptease on live television and doesn’t want it to have been for nothing.
Drawn out results time! We have to sit through videos
explaining why each of the contestants wants to make it to the final and why
their mentors are proud of them. Just in case you weren’t paying attention to
any of the intro-videos over the last 9 weeks. Actual results time! The first
act through to next week’s FUCKING FOUR FUCKING HOUR FUCKING LONG FUCKING FINAL
is Little Mix. Next through is Marcus. It’s between Amelia and Misha. Unsurprisingly,
the girl leaving the competition is the one who has been in the bottom two nearly
every second week. Misha B is out and she’s surprisingly humble and grateful
about it, which just means that when she eventually does explode, it’s going to
be spectacular. She should join Kitty in her crusade to hunt down everyone in
Britain who didn’t vote for her. Backstage, Little Mix breathe a massive sigh
of relief. For the first time in 9 weeks they can open their cupboards without
fear of finding a used tampon inside.
And that’s that. Next week’s finale will be taking place
live from Wembley Arena. Given how smoothly the outside-the-studio broadcasts
have been in previous finals (disembodied voice of Stacey Solomon, anyone?) I’m
sure moving the entire show off-site will work out wonderfully. We can look
forward to a plethora of SyCo acts and special guests with absolutely nothing
to promote, who are only there out of the goodness of their hearts.
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