The X-Factor 2011: Week 4

 It’s been a dramatic week in X-Factorland, and the episode hasn’t even started yet. Firstly, Rhythmix were forced to change their name to Little Mix due to a copyright dispute. If you are one of the 2 Rhythmix fans out there who keeps voting for them, please note you must now refer to yourself as a “Little Mixer” rather than whatever the fuck you called yourself before. Either way, you’re still a retard.

Secondly, Kelly Rowland STORMED OFF to America following a MASSIVE ROW with Tulisa of Delphi. Alternatively, if you’re not a fuckwit who believes everything plastered on the front page of the Star, Kelly Rowland returned to the US for a previously arranged commitment that was signposted and advertised many months ago, and was then stranded following a viral infection/order from the producers to stay away for a week so they can milk the Tulisa/Kelly feud they’ve invented for all the publicity they can get. Ms Rowland will be replaced by 2008 X-Factor winner Alexandra Burke. Those sneaky producers hope you can’t tell the difference between one black woman and another.

And finally, Someone™ from The Risk decided that being a member of Britain’s riskiest boyband was just too much of a risk, so he left. Before you can say, “Which one was he?” however, they’d already announced that he was being replaced by Someone Else™ from ejected boyband Nu Vibe. Yep, that’s right, they brought back a contestant from a group who previously failed to garner enough votes to proceed. Why don’t they just fucking well bring back 2 Shoes while they’re at it, with replacement members Sami Brookes and Amelia Lily?

So, after 3 paragraphs that illustrate just how much of a farce this show has become this year, it is FINALLY time. To face. THE MUSIC. This week’s theme is “Halloween”. Which just means that (yet again) the acts can pick from the entire history of western music as long as they add some spooky music and wear elaborate make-up. Considering what the Evil Fashion Nazis of the Style Team do them on a regular basis, that shouldn't be too hard.

Opening the show this week are NU THE RISK. The video intro recaps the shenanigans over the last 48 hours. We’ve lost an Ashley and gained an Ashford. Those sneaky producers hope you can’t tell the difference between one black man and another. The Riskier Risk are performing Thriller. It was inevitable that SOMEONE would, so we might as well get it over and done with right off the bat. It’s... oh, I dunno. It’s not awful, it’s not good. It’s just boring. Like most of this year's show, actually. But you need something unchallenging to ease you into the Halloween special, I guess. I mean, last year’s one gave us Mary Byrne as a horny little devil. If that had opened the show then brains would have melted and eyeballs asploded. The judges enthuse mightily about The Riskier Risk, although methinks they doth protest too much. i.e. the judges realise what a fucking mess this show has become so they’re trying to give the impression that everything is A-Okay with all these rapid-fire emergency changes.

Next up is Johnny Robinson, who, unfortunately, has not decided to emulate Mary Tesco’s costume choice from last year. Rats. I was certain he’d come out in a sequined dress and glitter-horns. Johnny refers to Barlow the Plank as “My Gary” in his intro-video and plucks petals from a rose while saying, “He loves... he loves me not”. This week, Johnny will be singing That Old Devil Called Love while staring stalkerliciously at Barlow. Louis has resisted the temptation for gimmicks of any sort for the first time in about 4 years, so it really is just Johnny accompanying a piano. It’s still bizarre, in that whole cognitive dissonance way that occurs when a middle-aged man sings a jazz classic in a convincing approximation of a woman's voice. It's just not as bizarre as the Johnny we’ve come to expect. You know, the one who bursts out of glitterballs and full-stops his performances with “VOGUE!”. Performance over, Gary Barlow runs on-stage to hug and kiss Johnny. No, really. He actually did, I swear. Gary thanks Louis for giving J. Ro a song that let him show that he could actually sing.

Time for the part of the show where time seems to slow to a crawl and you find yourself with holes in your memory – it’s Sophie Habibis! This week in the adventures of Sophie Plain and Tall, Sophie decides to sneak out of the X-Factor house and visit her parents at home. Unfortunately, no one at the X-Factor Contestant’s Lodge for Future Z-List Celebrities actually notices she left. Even more unfortunately, when Sophie arrives home, it transpires that her parents had completely forgotten she existed, and had converted her bedroom into a sex dungeon. So, a dejected Sophie is working through her anger at being as memorable as a skidmark from a watery fart by singing Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down). There are parts that are almost good, and then are parts that are not-so-good. The almost-good parts include the throne of hot topless men that Sophie is sitting on. The not-so-good parts include all of Sophie’s singing. JUDGES! Have left the stage because they thought they were on an ad-break. Except for Gary, who just went into his regeneration alcove to recharge his boring batteries.

Next up is little gay Marcus. It’s typical Marcus really. Serviceable, but not memorable. The most notable thing about his performance of that old X-Factor staple Supersitious is that it leads to the revelation in the Judge’s Comments that Louis can now note emotional states as part of his ability to state the absolutely fucking obvious. “You’re happy” he tells Marcus, before adding “You sing. You dance” and “You’re on the X-Factor”. The man's a genius, I tell you.

Now it’s time for Misha B. Last week, we learned that the B is for Bully. Or Bitch. Or Both. Anyhow, following the news that Misha is a total cunt, it’s rehabilitation time, so her intro-video is full of shots of her looking pensive and alone in a park as she considers her bullying ways and how best to kill Tulisa and make it look like an accident. Misha performs Tainted Love with awful music. Luckily, the pure awesomeness of Misha doing a fantastic job while dressed as a big red rhino distracts from the terrible arrangment. You know last year when they were trying to convince us that Cher Lloyd was all urban n’street and shit? Well, Misha would eat Cher Lloyd whole and spit her out again, and then piss all over her face. And spit on her. Not just because she’s a bitch but because she’s genuinely as cool as they tried to tell us that Cher Lloyd was. Judges! Tulisa performs the producer-mandated climbdown from last week’s controversial comments like a boss, and actually manages to retain some dignity. Louis attempts to ape Kelly Rowland by spitting out some of the phrases from her catchprase-o-matic.

Next up is Wee Janet Devlin from Horrible Ireland. Her intro-video actually concerns Horrible Ireland (PLEASE DON’T MAKE HER GO BACK!) as her parents discuss Janetmania. It’s all people are talking about in Ireland, apparently. No, it’s not like there was an election or a referendum or anything. This week Janet has dressed as Corpse Bride to sing The Police’s I’ll be Watching You. It’s not great, to be honest. It’s screechy and pitchy and boring and Janet is probably going to be gone in about 2 weeks if she continues on this path of diminishing fairyland returns. I guess having a red-headed woodland elf in a wedding dress sing a song about a stalker is pretty on-theme though. Judges! Alexandra Burke says that Janet did Horrible Ireland proud. Louis Walsh promptly backhands Alex for stealing his bit. Only Louis may relentlessly mention the contestant’s country of origin in the desperate attempt to secure some patriotic votes, you cow. Don’t you forget it. Louis does another impression of Kelly Rowland, this time in blackface.

Prepare the Dettol Baths because it’s Frankie Cocozza time. As feared, the producers have decided that Frankie’s survival of the public vote last week is a ringing endorsement of his new Diet Pete Doherty persona, so we get more of the same in the intro-video. Frankie wants to go out and get drunk and bang birds. Gary wants Frankie to work. Frankie pouts and runs to his room, slams his door, opens it, shouts “I HATE YOU!” and then slams it again louder. He’s just a rebel who can’t be tamed. Remember last week’s contrived opening to Frankie’s performance where he sauntered from back stage like a rock-god? Well, this week they repeat that as Frankie makes his way to the stage from the middle of a rent-a-crowd of screaming girls. “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?” Frankie croaks. Please, fucking hop on the same train Ashley did and go, you vile, contrived, phony piece of shit. Judges! Tulisa says she now believes that this is the real Frankie. She actually uses the word rebellious. Poor Tulisa. The producers must’ve slapped her down hard after Misha-gate. Alex lobs some criticism at Frankie. Frankie hits back at Alex, telling her she doesn’t know what it’s like to be cooped up in Casa del X-Factor Contestants. Em... who wants to tell him exactly what Alex is famous for...? Never mind, that’s probably the third-stage syphilis rotting his brain. 

It’s Kitty Brucknell! It’s Halloween! It’s going to be AMAZING. And it is. Kitty performs Eurythmics’ Sweet Dreams, and is totally note-perfect and all kinds of awesome. Seriously, if she’s in the bottom two again this week it will be the biggest crime against humanity since the Rwandan Genocide. Judges! Alex and Louis have the gayest fight ever; after Alex contends that Kitty is in danger of becoming too cabaret and Louis charges in to inform her that it isn’t cabaret, it’s burlesque.

Second-to-last performance of the night, and we’ve still had nothing to equal the visceral horror of Mary Booooooorn  last year. Boo. Anyway, we’re on to Rhythmic Kandy Girl-Lash. The intro-video details how the girls have had to change their name after a charity thoughtlessly went back in time and registered the trademark years before they did. So now they will be known as Little Kandy Girl-Lash, or something. The greater part of the intro-video however, is dedicated to the upset caused to one of the members of Little Kandy Girl-Lash by hurtful message board posts about her weight. We’re shown footage of Fattie Kandy Girl-Lash sitting with a laptop on one massive thigh, and several items of confectionery on the other, blubbering uncontrollably. Meanwhile, in another part of the X-Factor House, the sounds of furious typing and cruel guffaws can be heard from outside Misha B’s room. So... one of the girls has some weight issues that obviously upset her and they decide to rename the band LITTLE Mix? Cruel bastards. Anyway, Little Kandy Girl-Lash are performing Katy Perry’s Extraterrestrial. Which is a pity, because I actually like that song and now they’ve gone and ruined it. They’re meant to be possessed dolls or steampunk androids or I dunno what. Something that isn’t extraterrestrial anyway. They’re also performing on swings suspended over the stage. I wait expectantly for Misha to come out to perform the Kanye West rap part of the song and use it as cover to push the girls off their swings, but alas it does not happen. Judges! Tulisa reminds us that girls need not feel intimidated by Little Kandy Girl-Lash, because they’re just ordinary girls who are completely unremarkable and aren’t in the least bit special. Great confidence boost there, Tulisa.

I feel like I’ve gone on forever about Little Mix, but I can’t let it go without mentioning one thing – when the tubsy one (let’s call her Pick ‘n’Mix) was upset, she was being consoled by another Mixer (let’s called her Mixed Race). Mixed Race says to Pick ‘n’ Mix “But you’re so pretty!” managing to distil every thin girl’s patronising attempts to make her fat friend feel better into just 4 and a half words.

Almost as boring and twice as big as See-through Sophie, it’s Biscuitman! Biscuitman’s intro-video is completely asinine and deliriously bland this week, so let’s focus on the important stuff. Like his new haircut, which makes him look like a fat version of Russel Tovey. Or the fact that he’s probably going to end up in the final, and maybe even win the damn show. Biscuitman is singing Set Fire to the Rain this week, just in case you were worried that the two weeks we’ve managed to go without an Adele song was giving you withdrawal symptoms from bad Adele cover versions. He sings, he snarls, he makes odd faces. He hits big notes but is completely unexciting.

And thus endeth Halloween at X-Factor Towers. Join us tomorrow for the results, and performances from Cher Lloyd and Nicole Ratzinger. Hmmm, only two guest performances? Could that mean...? A horrendous group performance??? I live in hope...