OH FORTUNA.
Dermot reminds us that last night, 16 acts sang to secure their places. I don’t need to be reminded, Dermot, my ears still haven’t stopped bleeding. Excited Voiceover Man outlines THE DRAMATIC TWIST which saw the X-Factor producers do away with the public vote to eliminate four contestants in one fell swoop, for nefarious reasons we’ll probably never understand. Or alternatively because they need to get rid of the pregnant contestant and will sacrifice 3 others to do it. The Machiavellian bastards. The judges plod on-stage. Kelly Rowland appears to be wearing several emus. Tulisa Athena Parathenaikos appears to have her own version of Our Cheryl’s famous salute wherein she raises her arm to show off her tats, or something. We’re forced to ensure a recap af yeaterday’s aural abuse. Hearing Frankie once was bad enough; I really didn’t need to listen to the cunt again, even if it was only for 8 seconds. Tulisa reminds us that The Risk are her risk. She’s very proud of that pathetic piece of shite word-play. Craig Colton and his EMOTIONS. Janet and her woodland animals. So many highlights! Louis tells us that he doesn’t know how the judges are going to choose an act to lose. Don’t worry Louis, I’m sure the producers will help.
It’s the first live show and that can only mean one thing – it’s time for the winner of last year’s final to come on and promote the timely release of their second single. So welcome back Matt Cardle, who’s here to sing a song written by Gary Barlow, apparently. It’s shit. You know you’re in trouble when both One Dimension and Cher Lloyd’s musical abortions are better than yours. Matt plays a guitar to prove to us all that he’s a credible musician and isn’t going to be dropped by SyCo in about two months, after his third single charts in the upper 30s. Song finished, Matt tells us that he’s spent the time since winning CO-WRITING HIS ALBUM. See? Credible musicians write their own music! Adverts!
Dermot chit-chats with the judges, and asks them how hard it was to make their decisions. Not hard at all, Dermot, they just learned some names from slips of paper handed to them by the production team. Dermot welcomes Cee Lo Green as tonight’s second performer. I think it’s meant to fit in with this yesterday’s UK (Cardle) vs US (Cee Lo) song-choice theme. You know, the theme that limited the contestants to only songs from the entire history of western music. Cee Lo comes and does his thing and is generally like a little Lenny Henry. Cee Lo’s thing consists of badly pronouncing his words, barely in time to the music. In the vein of little Paije Richardson from last year, Cee Lo runs out of breath about halfway through the performance, which doesn’t really help the difficulty I’m having in understanding a single word he’s saying. I recommend he take some classes with Frankie’s elocution instructor – he’ll be enunciating in no time. I think they booked Cee Lo in order to make Matt Cardle seem good. More adverts!
What? We’re going right into the results? WHERE’S MY LIP-SYNCED GROUP NUMBER, YOU FUCKERS? I feel robbed. Anyway, Louis is first up, and they’re really going to draw this out because we’re getting the names of the contestants who are safe first. Sami is through! Kitty is safe! And gets booed. Fuck you audience, she was ten times better than Jonjo the plank. Speaking of, femme fatale Johnny Robinson is safe, which means Jonjo the soldier is going back to the Eastern Front, to protect the realm from the marauding Moors. Jonjo’s a soldier, you know. Jonjo mumbles a bit and then shuffles off back to the Crimean, as Dermot O’Leary ACTUALLY says, “He has to go back to the army now” to Louis Walsh.
Next up is Barlow and the boys, including everybody’s favourite junkie-chic spastic wankstain Frankie. I hate you. Gary says it was terribly difficult to decide whom to axe cruelly, with all the emotional conviction of an autistic person. Marcus the gay hairdresser is the first to be saved. Gary announces that Biscuitman is also safe, with all the enthusiasm of a stone. Finally, Gary monotones that he’s saving Frankie and sending James home. What a fucking shock right there – they saved the contestant they’ve been ramming down our throats since he first dropped his underpants to expose his diseased arse on the first show of the series. James sobs and tells us how he’s going to carry on with his music, just like every losing X-Factor act ever. And look at them all now!
Next up is Tulisa, who does a very convincing job of looking like she hates having to do this. She’s like the opposite of Gary Barlow, in that she has emotions. First group saved are Rhythmix. They’re gone next week, then. Then she saves The Risk, because they’re her risk, and she wants to continue taking a risk on them, so she’s taken a risk and saved them. Tulisa struggles to justify saving Nu Vibe, because they’re fucking terrible, but the producers have concocted this whole judge’s elimination scheme to get rid of the pregnant contestant, so 2 Shoes are going home. Tulisa says she can’t find a reason to explain why she’s getting rid of 2 Shoes. Because she’s contractually forbidden to say that the producers told her to.
Finally, it is Ms K and the girls. Misha looks fucking amazing. It’s like bonbon packaging factory vomited on top of her. Janet looks like a Victorian schoolmarm. And is the first one to be saved. Janet skips off to frolic with deer and wolfhounds. The next girl saved is “Miss Misha B” because she is amazing. So, it’s between Sophie and Amelia Lily. And Kelly sends... Amelia? Home? I love Kelly even more now that she’s the only judge to deliver an actual shock tonight. Amelia is in bits, and doesn’t even look like she believes it when Kelly says “Y’all are going to see this girl everywhere”. If only James had some of Amelia’s common sense.
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