The Diary of Dr Beverly Crusher

Chief Medical Officer's Log
Stardate 980022120

Well, it's been several days now since Valentine's Day, and it's safe to assume that my previous hope that a gift or card or saucy negligée had gotten lost in Inter-Ship Delivering is groundless. I'm comforting myself with a bottle of Chateau Picard that I had Wesley send me from when he and Julian visited France and taking the edge off my misery.

The senior crew have gathered on numerous occasions since February 14th and despite my best attempts to subtley provoke discussion of the topic, I've not yet been able to ascertain what Jean-Luc thought of the antique china teapot I left outside his quarters. I thought it'd be the sort of gift he'd appreciate, although perhaps enclosing a 3-dimensional holo-snapshot of my vagina was going a bit far. I could always try and blame Deanna if it gets messy, though I'd have to spread rumours that she was actually ginger for it to succeed....

Speaking of, she's lording it over the rest of us with tales of her own romantic getaway. Hairyface Riker pulled some strings and had the Blue Moon of Perseus VIII booked out so it was just the two of them and the fabulous Sapphire Gildedfly Lagoon Archipelago. I'm going to look that up. Sapphire fucking Gildedfly fucking Lagoon shitting Archipelago? Sounds like she just strung some fancy sounding words together that she found in the dictionary to make it seem like she'd been somewhere exclusive. Slut. If I'd known Riker was going to go to all that trouble I would have sabotaged his erectile dysfunction medication again.

This Chateau Picard is damn good wine. I could say that Picard goes down well, lol. I'm glad I had Wes get me so many bottles. I was thinking I might string a few of the empty bottles together and play them like pan-pipes in the upcoming talent show. Although that might not be impressive enough. I'm determined to beat Deanna this year. And the robot. It's not fair that he's allowed to enter when his reflexes make him so damn good at everything. Pale-ass wannabe carbonform.

-Beverly Crusher, logging off.

Thundercats: Where Are They Now?

Lion-O

Following the first two successful seasons of Thundercats, series-lead Lion-O used his position as the main character to negotiate a contract that gave him a great deal of creative control over the direction of the third season, insisting scripts only progress when he had signed off on them and that he be given the opportunity to write and direct several episodes himself. Eager to secure the lead for their most successful show, the network forced show-runners to capitulate to Lion-O's demands. This led to a great deal of behind the scenes tension on the show as plots were abandoned and scripts rewritten on Lion-O's whims. This chaos manifested on-screen in the sudden departure of fan-favourite Panthro and the hasty addition of three new characters to take his place. Lion-O's abstract, art-house style was at odds with the action-flick tone viewers had come to expect. Though his episodes are hailed by critics as exceptional pieces of experimental cinematography, they did not fare so well with the general public. Ratings imploded, and production on the series was halted midway through the season. Ostensibly "on hiatus", the show would not return in any form until 2005, with an acclaimed dark and gritty reimagining that occasionally features members of the original cast in surprising or humourous cameos. Lion-O has yet to appear, and it is widely believed he views the remake with great disdain. After the original was axed, Lion-O studied at film school, learning to restrain some of his more flamboyant cinematic tendencies and maintain a coherent narrative without undermining his artistic vision. Though he has failed to achieve commercial success, his style is adored by the French and in 2006 he was inducted into L'ordre Luminée Des Artes, the highest honour that can be bestowed by the internationally reknowned Société Pour Les Personnes Prétentious. Endlessly creative, Lion-O chose to film the event and incorporate it into his upcoming film, Flowers for Arbus, in a sequence featuring a meta-narrative on the importance given to awards, titles and other forms of social capital in modern society. The film premiered at the Sundance Film Festival in 2007, and garnered a positive response. Famously reclusive, Lion-O rarely gives interviews. He is married to French poet and political activist Mimou, with whom he has has two children, Lysette and Pi.

Panthro

Popular action-man character Panthro, responsible for some of Thundercats most spectacular set-pieces and fight scenes, was killed off early in the third season following a series of rows with Lion-O over the direction of the show. Bitter and disillusioned with the world of television following the executive meddling that created the situation with Lion-O, Panthro turned his back on acting and focused on his first love; food. He opened a chain of vegetarian restaurants which enjoyed initial success, attributable in retrospect to the celebrity status of the owner. Commentators say that opening over a dozen demanding enterprises in such a short period of time was a mistake for Panthro, who lacked experience running his own businesses. The franchise crumbled after just two years, leaving Panthro with a mountain of debts. He turned to drink to cope, and began to gamble heavily in the hopes of making back some of his lost fortune. Things came to a head when Panthro was brutally attacked in 1995 by heavies acting under the orders of a money-lender he had sought out. Spending several weeks in a coma and months being rehabilitated, Panthro turned to religion in his hour of need. He credits celebrity preacher and newspaper columnist Pastor Pat Patterson with turning his life around. The June 1997 edition of Court TV, in which a resolute and recovered Panthro faced down his attackers in court, and forgave them for what they had done to him, was one of highest rated episodes of the daily courtroom digest, second only to the OJ Simpson trial in mass interest. Controversy found Panthro again in recent years, when Pastor Pat's support of the degenerate homosexual lifestyle placed him in the midst of the widely-reported on tensions in the Anglican Church over the ordination of filthy gay bishop, Gene Robinson. Tabloids exposed the Pastor's long-term relationship with Panthro, and a fierce Panthro made a memorable appearance on Fox talk show Good Morning With Inoffensive White Anglo-Saxon Chatter, arguing with vigour against intrusive tabloid reporting. Panthro lives in Albany with Pastor Pat and their Golden Retriever Dixie.

Cheetara

Cheetara, who adorned many a 14 year old boy's wall during the show's heydey, was imprisoned in 1989 after it was revealed she had let an underage youth nail her to his bedroom wall in a more literal manner. Actually I guess it's in a more metaphorical manner, given the posters would be literally nailed to the wall whereas having sex against one is a eupeh... look, SHE BANGED A MINOR, OKAY? Sentenced to 6 years for the statutory rape of well-known Thunderfan Frederick Williams, whom she met at ThunderCon '87, Cheetara was released early on account of good behaviour and over-crowding. It is believed that the fact that her father, a billionaire oil tycoon, plays golf with judges played absolutely no part in her release. A popular urban legend states that Cheetara lost an eye in a 1989 prison riot. This is not entirely correct. While Cheetara was injured in the riot, she actually lost an ovary, not an eye, when she was stabbed in the abdomen with a screwdriver by a crazed inmate. Rumours she maintained contact with Williams during her incarceration were confirmed when the two married in 1993. Cheetara has not returned to television, but she is heavily involved in the theatre scene in Seattle, where she has settled with Williams and their daughters Cessily and Tiara-Ann.

Mumm-Ra

A well-respected Broadway thespian, Mumm-Ra was the only member of the cast to receive an Emmy for his work on Thundercats, for what the New York Times called "his multi-layered portrayal of a centuries-old villain, subtley succumbing to madness as he tries in vain to resurrect the Imperial society of ancient Thundera, using soul-eating sorceries that twist a good man into an horrific bandage-wrapped shadow of himself". Mumm-Ra's tenure as the show's primary threat came to an end in the highly regarded five-episode epic "To Live and Die on Thundera" that closed the second series. Mumm-Ra would return for guest appearances in several episodes of the meandering third season, as an abstract embodiment of Lion-O's uncertainties. Had the show continued, it was expected Mumm-Ra would return proper and join forces with Season 3's other foes, the Robot Philosophers Nietzsche-Nine, Third-Wave-Feminism-Bot and Socratron, who sought to violently restructure Thunderan society to conform to their views of a Utopia. With the unexpected cancellation, Mumm-Ra was free to dedicate himself to working on his NBC talk-show, Muttering with Mumm-Ra. His incisive wit and blunt put-downs proved his aptitude for the format, but scheduling the show opposite ratings-juggernaut Home Alone: The Series proved disastrous, and it was soon axed. However, executives at E! were impressed with the ageing actor's surprisingly up-to-date knowledge of popular culture and enthusiasm for sending up celebrity glitterati, and signed him up as their red-carpet reporter for minor events such as the Country Music Awards and Presidential Election. An acid-tongued encounter with Bob Dole thrust an unrepentant Mumm-Ra into the headlines, and his star grew again. He was offered another talk-show, Mumm-Ra Before Midnight, which was a greater ratings success than his initial foray into the genre. Before Midnight ran nightly for almost a decade until 2002, when declining health forced Mumm-Ra to cut back on his commitments. He announced his retirement from television a year later and went on to take the role of Virgil the Chicken-man in Broadway's Mighty Max: The Musical. He earned a Tony Award for his spirited portrayal of the last Lemurian. Mumm-Ra remained in the role until shortly before his death from pancreatic cancer in January 2004.

Excerable Lyrics

1
I love you like a fat kid loves cake - Urban lyricist and general irritation Fifty (50) "Fiddy" Cent declares his affection for an unnamed female companion in the song 21 Questions.

Trivia! Some of the questions posed include "Did I mention I was shot nine times?" and "Would you like to meet my friend Eminem?"

2.
To the left, to the left. Everything you own in the box to the left - Robotic lifeform Beyoncé Knowles produced this song-writing gem in Irreplaceable, from the 2007 album B'Day (pronounced "bidet")

Trivia! During the events that inspired this song, Beyoncé actually did not place all of her gentleman-friend's possessions in a box to her left, and it was only after he threatened legal action that she returned items including an expensive watch, a set of silver cufflinks and a small stuffed toy, said to be "worthless in monetary terms but priceless in sentimental value".

3.
You could be my black Kate Moss tonight - Otherwise tolerable RnB person Kanye West's huh?-worthy line from Stronger

Trivia! In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, Kanye West famously declared "George Bush don' like him no black peoples, dawg" or something to that effect. Other shocking revelations Kanye let rip with during the same broadcast concerned the intelligence of the aforementioned Mister Bush ("Not that bright, y'all") and the quality of recent seasons of animated comedy The Simpsons - "It just lost some of it's sparkle after Season 10, y'know what I'm sayin?".

4.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump. - The Black Eyed Peas sing about the jelly-moulds adorning Fergie's lady-chest on the modern masterpiece, My Humps.

Trivia! When she's not busy with solo work or The Black Eyed Peas, Fergie likes to immerse herself in dusty tomes concerning 20th century social movements, with a keen interest in Dada and avant-gardism. She is also one of the world's foremost authorities on Nouveau Réalisme.

5.
It's funny how a man only thinks about the [BEEP]
You got a real big heart, but I'm looking at your [BEEP]
You got real big brains, but I'm looking at your [BEEP]
Girl, there ain't no pain in me looking at your [BEEP]
- The Pussycat Dolls create an air of mystery through the subtle obfuscation of words critical to ascertaining just what is distracting the man from their less tangible characteristics, in the song BEEP.

Trivia! At any one time, there are 126 Pussycat Dolls waiting in reserve to replace one of the core six, in accordance with their management team's Nine Lives Policy, designed to ensure the Pussycat Dolls are always ready to perform with a full regiment and to the highest standards. The reservists are trained at the secretive PCD Academy in Luxembourg, which aims to produce 12 fully-trained potential Pussycat Dolls every 6 months.

The Year In Music Part 1

The year began with the X-Factor’s answer to Michael Bublé, Leon Jackon (a man so watered down that he’s practically a homeopathic remedy) astride the charts in both the UK and Ireland like some sort of Scottish Colossus of Rhodes. The year ended with the X-Factor’s answer to Leona Lewis (wait…) in a similar position. Here’s what happened in between:

January
-January was a pretty bad month for music. Scouting for Girls strummed their way to the top of the album charts with their lacklustre album of the same name, proving once and for all that “indie”, now the catch-all term for any bunch of twenty something young men with tousled hair, an acoustic guitar and a penchant for self indulgent angst, was the new pop. Further spitting upon the fetid corpse of music was Basshunter’s ascent to the top of the singles chart for a good few weeks, no doubt helped along a wee bit by the mini controversy surrounding the fact that there were pictures of his cock on the internet.

-January also saw a musical odyssey that had been running throughout the previous year reach its crescendo, as Britney Spears was hospitalised for being a few ballads short of a mixtape after barricading herself into her home with her children Billy-Bob and Sheldon-Wesley. Following this incident Papa Spears was given control of his daughter’s life, and her slow descent into self-destruction was abated by his influence and a cocktail of downers.

-MGMT released Oracular Spectacular, an album that was not quite as good as its singles would suggest.

February
-Adele plopped herself at the top of the album charts, while Duffy saved us all from Basshunter when Mercy sashayed to number 1 in the singles with a 60s swagger that also saw off Nickelback, who enjoyed huge success with the song Rockstar for reasons unfathomable.

-Goldfrapp returned with a softer, folksier sound and a flock of attack owls trained to assault Kylie Minogue should she try to emulate their musical stylings again. A&E, the lead single from March’s album Seventh Tree, did well on the radiomachines and was even used in an episode of Hollyoaks. A sure measure of success if ever there was one.

-The NME Awards took place and were as tiresome and predictable as ever. The fact that these people named Pete Doherty Hero of the Year AGAIN should tell you all you need to know.

March
-Duffy and Estelle shared the top-spot duties in March; the latter returning to the charts for the first time since her 2004 debut 1980. Also returning to the charts for the first time since 2004 was REM, who released Accelerate at the end of the month.

-The Winehouse saw the Deluxe edition of Back to Black hit number one in the album chart. Deluxe edition, in case you were wondering, means everything from the original album plus a few tracks that never made it because they weren’t deemed strong enough, and a cover version of Valerie, the song that killed the Zutons.

-Sam Sparro released Black and Gold, the kind of song that makes you think “Oh, that’s good” until you hear it twenty times in a row on the radio and just want to shove the cane that he uses in the video down his neck, ruining his gravelly voice forever and resulting in bankruptcy inducing litigation.

April
-Madonna perched (in the Lotus position, naturally) atop the singles charts with the Timbalanad-produced 4 Minutes. Justin Timberlake and Madge’s Camel Toe provided backing vocals on a song that was instantly familiar. Mostly because it used all the tics and quirks we’d heard a million times before from Timbaland’s very successful work with Nelly Furtado, OneRepublic, Pussycat Dolls and Jay-Z.

-Rihanna jumped on the Deluxe edition bandwagon with Take a Bow, the first single from her re-release of Good Girl Gone Bad, and the… fourth?… no, fifth release from the album overall if you include the original.

-Elsewhere in the charts, Mariah Carey returned and unleashed the usual cacophony of glory notes and bizarre behaviour, while the Arctic Monkeys effect, where anything in any way related to these Gods Of Music must be heralded with multiple journalistic orgasms, proved itself alive and well when frontman Alex Turner’s side-project The Last Shadow-Puppets arrived to critical adoration and numerous awards. Meanwhile, paedo-bait billionaire Miley Cyrus got her tits out for an “arty” photoshoot.

May
-In the charts, Madonna was dethroned by the Ting Tings, as they assured us that Mary-Jo Lisa and a host of other monickers was not their name. The world fell over and had to be set back on it’s axis with a complex series of pulleys and gears when SCOOTER topped the albums with their magnum opus Dush Dush Dush Neon Underlit Boy Racer Glowstick Boobs.

-Ireland was represented at the Eurovision in Belgrade by a Turkey in a trolley, and didn’t even make it to the finals. The competition was eventually won by a Russian fellow whose clothes have a terrible habit of falling off, judging by Google Images. Western European countries announced afterwards that they were officially sulking over the domination of the contest by various Eastern voting blocs, leading to promises of reform for the 2009 contest. In Moscow. Reform. In Moscow. That’ll work.

-Rihanna released If I Never See Your Face Again, the ninth single from Good Girl Gone Bad Reloaded. Another black lady releasing much better music this month was Santogold, with her eponymous debut album, officially my favouritest of the year.

June
-Mint Royale’s Singin’ In The Rain sampling track, the imaginatively titled Singin’ In The Rain, spent 2 weeks at number one after some chav child did some breakdancing to it on ITV. Simon Cowell, like the good Mephistopheles he is, promptly paraded the child around Britain and had him endorse all manner of products, wringing as much money as he could from him before hanging him out to dry just before the time came to start filming the X-Factor.

-A collective blink was blunk when Coldplay scored their first number one single with Viva La Vida. Dumbfounded people rubbed their necks and looked around in confusion as they thought “First number one single? Really?” The album was also a chart-topper, and less of a snorefest than previous album X&Y.

-Rihanna released Disturbia, the twenty-eighth single from Good Girl Gone Bad Reloaded Deluxe Extreme. With no physical release, the song would slowly edge its way up the charts based on radioplay and download sales, peaking in August.

The Year In Music Part 2

July -The mutilated corpse of Music, having been desecrated by Scooter’s success in May, suffered further butchering when Basshunter returned with the album Now You’re Gone (the follow up to 2004’s LOL (^^,)… and I’m not joking, that’s what the album was called) and single All I Ever Wanted. Speculation that the album owes its success entirely to girls kitted out in Claire’s Accessories’ finest with a strong hint of WKB Blue to their breath has yet to be confirmed. -With regard to less horrendous music, Black Kids released Partie Traumatic, which got to #5 based on the strength of catchy single I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance. -Revellers who had paid roughly €80,000 for tickets to attend 2008’s Oxegen Festival at Punchestown were entertained by the likes of Kings of Leon, REM, The Chemical Brothers and even Amy Winehouse, who managed to divert herself from her year-long rambling about husband/waster Blakey Wakey Prison Rapey long enough to put in a semi-coherent performance, which did not involve smacking a fan across the face as her set at Glastonbury a month earlier had. August -Kid Rock clambered to the top spot in August with All Summer Long, also known as “That Sweet Home Alabama song”, causing the defiled and dismembered remains of music to spontaneously combust. Anthropomorphic researchers speculated that only if the Beatles were to somehow reform and release an album of new material with Elvis Presley on backing vocals could Music be rehabilitated. -Kid Rock’s 7 day reign of terror was brought to a close by casual lesbianism, as Katy Perry whipped nightclub dancefloors into a storm of drunken girl-on-girl action with I Kissed a Girl, which spent 5 weeks at the top despite being blasted by the religious (Churchie folk were appalled by the “promotion” of homosexuality) and the sacrilegious (gay folk were appalled by a straight girl appropriating lesbianism for attention and column inches). -In the album charts, over-produced dullards The Script scored a number 1 and were never off the radio for longer than half an hour, while middle-aged women sent Abba’s 17 year old Greatest Hits album Gold back to the top after being whipped into a menopausal frenzy by Mamma Mia!

September -Good old Southern values saw off Katy Perry’s cherry chapstick when Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon topped the chart for 3 weeks and became a bit of an anthem for gangs of drunk boys up and down country as they waited for a post-nightclub taxi. A successful album quickly followed. -Five years after the not-so-well-received St Anger, Metallica returned to the album charts with the much-better-received Death Magnetic, an album so badly produced that the versions of the songs in Guitar Hero are regarded as being of better quality than those on the disc. -Elbow won the Mercury Music Prize and made off with £20,000 (before the Sterling imploded) for Seldom Seen Kid. I have not heard the album but as I like precisely one Elbow song from years ago, I officially declare it to be brilliant. Plus Cathy Davey has sung backing vocals for them which must make them ace by association. October -Actress and former American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson saw her September release Spotlight enjoy a resurgence in popularity following the much publicised murder of her mother, brother and nephew. The failure of the song to emulate the popularity of I Kissed a Girl shows that when it comes to publicity, lesbianism beats murder and infanticide hands down. -Pink bounced to the top of the charts with the slightly schizophrenic So What: an upbeat-sounding and oh so very catchy song about… divorce and marital strife. -The X-Factor reached the live finals stage of the competition, with new judge Cheryl Cole being so warmly received that the Queen herself made an appearance on the show to award Our Cheryl a certificate officially declaring her a national treasure. She then spat at Dannii Minogue while dame Louis Walsh cackled in the background. -Oasis could only manage a week at number 1, and we all laughed our tits off at the YouTube footage of Noel being pushed off a stage in Canada November -Mariah Carey graced the X-Factor with her presence (also known as her cleavage) and a cover version of Hero ensured that when their 15 minutes of fame are up, each and every one of those contestants we knew and remember fondly, such as Prison Bitch, the Ugly Girl band, Spastic Hand, the Less Ugly Girl Band, Foetus-faced Boy and the bloke with the dead wife, will be able to tell their grandchildren they had a number one single. Well maybe not Prison Bitch, if the Social come around and take t’kids off of her again. -Snow Patrol released a new album. No one noticed. -Rihanna released Rehab, the five-hundred and fifty-seventh single from Good Girl Gone Bad Reloaded Deluxe Extreme Ultimate Limited Edition vol.III December -Legitimate music fans were OUTRAGED and INCENSED when Simon Cowell had the audacity to have X-Factor winner Alexandra Burke cover Jeff Buckley’s cover of John Cale’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, and began a crusade to get Buckley’s version to the top of the charts rather than Burke’s. Cowell was no doubt distraught at this manifestation of his power, which resulted in not one, or even two, but three versions of the same song (Burke’s, Buckley’s and Cohen’s) making the Top 30 mere days after the X-Factor final, with the former two taking the Xmas #1 and #2 respectively, and all because of a decision he made. That’ll teach him, won’t it? -Previous to Burke’s number one, Cowell’s money-printing factory had already been working overtime when Leona Lewis spent two weeks at the top with a cover of Snow Patrol’s Run that’s been about five times more successful than the original.

An Emo Guide to taking Self Pictures

Boys:

-Remove your t-shirt for 25% of your self-portraits. If you're fat then you're clearly not Emo and this guide is not for you. You also cannot be Emo if you have blonde hair (unless you dye it black first. However, bleached sections of jet-black hair are acceptable) or belong to any social strata other than the caucasian middle classes.

-Hold your camera aloft, pointing downwards. Tilt your head upwards, ensuring that your fringe is covering one eye, and that you have applied enough eye-liner to the visible eye to show up in monochrome. It is preferred that you have a source of light placed to one side, especially for your topless pictures where it will illuminate your lithe frame and any tattoos that adorn it. For added contrast between light and dark, make sure your piercings catch the light. If you do not have any piercings, then you are not Emo.

-Look moody, as though the pressure of being you is about to crush you at any moment. Remember to pout.

-Take several dozen pictures. You will not be sifting through these pictures for the best: ALL OF THEM will be uploaded to your social networking site of choice and placed in an album with the faux self-deprecating title of "I'm Such a Poser lawl". You don't care that you're uploading 200 marginally different pictures of yourself. You're hawt and you want everyone to tell you that. But remember to reject all compliments given to you by visitors to your page, because when you look at yourself, all you see is hopelessness and woe staring back at you in skinny jeans.

NOTE: It is preferred but not demanded that you apply a black & white effect to your photographs. Pain shows up better in monochrome.

-Follow these steps any time you make a change to your appearance, e.g. shifting the direction of your fringe or getting a new tattoo, to keep your friends abreast of how you don't define yourself through appearance.

Girls

The procedure is basically the same, however female Emos should take note of the following:

-Chubby girls are allowed to be Emo. Your chubbiness is the root of your pain.

-Obviously, you will not be topless when taking your picture. That's just obscene. Instead, your aim is to take an intimate photo showing how fragile and vulnerable you are underneath all that hair-dye and eye-liner. To this end, you will wear a slightly too-large top, with one sleeve hanging off your shoulder. It is preferable that a bra-strap is NOT visible. Bras are slutty. You are sweet, misunderstood and vulnerable.

-You will face the camera and make the most of your shoulder-flesh without angling it too high. You want to look casual. Props are good: feel free to take pictures of yourself holding up a CD or with an ironic cuddly toy of some sort. Hello Kitty or Emily the Strange are good choices. A female friend is also an acceptable prop, as long as you lezz it up a bit.

-Remember to pout and look pained. Perhaps think of a boy who doesn't love you back to fuel your anguish. Or if you are chubby, just think how terrible it is that no one will see through that fat mess of mascara and nose-rings to the real you underneath.

From March 2008:

News has reached us that the paparazzi’s favourite negligent mother, Britney Spears, is to make a gratuitous guest appearance in US sitcom How I Met Your Mother, a TV show that recently made it into the record books for managing to run three years without raising a single laugh. This isn’t a terrible surprise: as the end of the US TV season approaches, shows often trot out a parade of celebrity guest stars to secure high ratings and the chance of another year on screen. What follows is a list of notable famous faces confirmed to crop up in some of the most popular TV imports soon:

Grey’s Anatomy: In a mutually beneficial arrangement designed to coincide with the North American release of Back to Black, Amy Winehouse will appear in three episodes as Dr. Thomasina Franklin, the new anaesthesiologist, who never fails to find a good vein.

Lost: Anything Ms. Spears can do, Christina Aguilera can do better, louder and in either English or Spanish. So when she heard her arch-rival had signed up to play a ditzy receptionist in a comedy no one watches, Aguilera had her people contact the Lost people to get her a four-episode stint in one of television’s most talked-about series. Details are scarce, but it is believed that she will play Juanita Diablo, a pearl-diver with a dark secret who washes up on the beach in a skimpy bikini designed to make the most of Aguilera’s post-baby chest orbs.

CSI Dungarvan: Ben Affleck has inked a deal to appear in the pilot episode of the 43rd spin-off in the CSI franchise, and the first to be set abroad. Like CSI Miami (Yellowish) and CSI New York (Blue), it is understood that CSI Dungarvan will be filmed with a particular colour saturating almost every scene, believed to be pale lavender with a hint of indigo. Producers have said that Affleck’s challenging role will demand every ounce of the subtle nuance he displayed in such non-award-winning non-hits as Gigli and DareDevil. Following this statement, it was revealed that he will be playing a corpse.

Heroes: In a huge coup for the hit superhero series, both Victoria Beckham and Bertie Ahern have confirmed they will appear in upcoming episodes. In a move designed to bring in millions of Irish-American viewers, the Taoiseach will make a short appearance as Lord Tempus Teflon, a character with the power to manipulate the past to suit himself through sheer force of will. Meanwhile, as part of her relentless campaign to be noticed by the American public, Posh Spice will appear as 2-D Girl, an internationally-renowned art thief with the ability to slip through cracks in doors and under windows, who can also appear invisible by turning sideways.

Meanwhile, details have emerged of potential reality TV shows that have been scrapped now that the writer's strike is over. Unfilmed concepts included Al Gore’s Celebrity Dancing on Melting Ice, Are You Smarter Than A Republican Presidential Candidate? and Survivor: Tibet.