It’s time! To disgrace! The music! And I hope you’ve got
your ears secured, because we’re disgracing it twice as hard as last week
because the contestants are going to be doing double the singing. Last week,
Biscuitman was eliminated and the rate of unexplained murders in the area
surrounding Rancho X-Factor coincidentally plummeted. As did sales in the
nearest confectioners. Voiceover Man excitably informs the audience about each
contestant singing twice as he’s accompanied by the most over-dramatic music
ever used in this show’s recap. And we’re talking about a programme that uses O
Fortuna on a weekly basis, here. Voiceover Man reminds us that Kelly Rowland
has three acts left. “Let’s see how long that lasts,” states an outraged Gary
Barlow, using the power of basic mathematics to work out that Kelly has a 3/5
chance of losing an act tomorrow. Dancing Dermot sashays on-stage. The less
said about it the better. He explains this week’s theme, Guilty Pleasures and
Musical Heroes by saying that this week’s theme is Guilty Pleasures and Musical
Heroes.
First up is Little Kandy Girl-Lash, again introduced as
Tulisa’s Little Muffins. Look, they’ve already been through one name change,
Tulisa, why are you trying to confuse things even more? Newcastle Little Mixer
explains how this week, the girls “wentoo wintah wundalahnd”, which is Geordie
for “My colleagues and I visited a Christmas themed carnival. It was simply
marvellous. The atmosphere was splendidly festive, and our mentor, Ms Tulisa
Contostavlos, accompanied us, which made the evening all the more enjoyable.
When the evening drew to a close, we returned to our temporary lodgings with
many happy memories that I shall ever look back on with a huge smile. Before
bed, I decided to start a new book, but had a hard time choosing between Julian
Barnes’ The Sense of an Ending and Alan Hollinghurst’s The Line of Beauty.
While I’m eager to read the former due to the furore surrounding this year’s
Man Booker Prize, I ultimately decided to begin reading The Line of Beauty in
earnest. I think recently viewing the trailer for Meryl Streep’s Thatcher put
me in the mood for some fiction set in that turbulent era. Thus far, it has not
disappointed.” Or something. There’s footage of Tulisa and the girls on a
slide, recreating that famous experiment where Galileo dropped a heavy item and
a light item from the Leaning Tower of Pisa to show how objects fall at the
same speed irrespective of mass. And sure enough, Tulisa and Pick ‘n’ Mix make
it down the slide at more or less the same time. Eventually, the editors of
this VT remembered that it was for a singing competition, and got around to
explaining the song choice – the girls will be singing a Justin Bieber song, mashed
up with a Diana Ross number. And I have no idea if it’s meant to be their
guilty pleasure or their musical heroes. The girls perform Bieber’s “Baby” with
elaborate staging. They’re waitresses in a 1950s style Diner. But there’s no
food! I wonder who ate it all? Why did they have to open the show with a Justin
Bieber song? Are they trying to completely destroy me? How am I supposed to
remain coherent for another 9 songs after this opening? JUDGES! Louis didn’t
like it, because they insulted his diva Goddess Diana Ross by twisting her song
into a dark Satanic chant by mixing it with the lyrics and music of the
pubescent Canadian demonspawn.
Next up is Janet Devlin. “I’m going home” she announces in
her intro video. Oh Janet, don’t be so defeatist! The elimination isn’t until
tomorrow! But sure enough, back home she goes, BACK TO HORRIBLE IRELAND. Dying,
famine-stricken bankers line the streets, staring at Janet forlornly with
sunken, hopeless eyes. “Where have the good times gone?” they ask her, with
distended stomachs that haven’t known the sweet taste of caviar, cocaine or
Cristal champagne since the Anglo-Irish bailout. Janet sways down Main Street,
Tyrone, wailing her song of death as headless horsemen reap the souls in her
wake. Then she turns on the Christmas lights, and ooh, aren’t they pretty?
Janet explains that she’ll be singing Hanson’s Mmmbop, which is not really the
type of song she normally likes. THAT'S WHY THEY'RE CALLED GUILTY PELASURES YOU
GHASTLY TIT. Janet Devlin does Mmmbop? Is this a sign of the end times? It
starts less awful than her Jackson 5 song from a few weeks ago. Then again,
that’s like saying that having your testicles chopped off is a less awful way
to be emasculated than having a red hot poker shoved 5 inches up your urethra. But
then Janet manages to forget the lyrics AGAIN, and just shuffles about
awkwardly on-stage. “Mmmbop”, Janet! The fucking lyrics are “Mmmbop”! JUDGES!
Louis tries to pretend everything is okay, because he realises that Janet
winning is the only way for Ireland to battle its way out of recession.
Everyone else knows it was a train wreck.
It’s Misha B time! In her intro-reel, Misha explains that
the past few weeks have been really emotional for her, but that she’s decided
that she “wants Misha B back”. Oh great, this means she’s started leaving dead
animals in Little Mix’s dressing room again, does it? “I’m saying goodbye to
all my troubles”, Misha explains, so I can only conclude that Kelly Rowland has
had Mama Misha B assassinated after the upset she caused last weekend. Misha consults
with the Evil Fashion Nazis of Style Team. After picking her outfit, she confirms that
she’s definitely back to being 100% Misha B. That’s good to hear. I hate when
my Misha B is laced with impurities like rat poison and baking soda. Misha’s guilty
pleasure is Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Wanna Fun, performed from atop a big red
stairs. As you do. There’s rapping! There’s a patented Misha B laugh in there,
too! Ha! Aha-ha! That sound is music to my ears, although I’m sure it sends
chills down the spines of everyone Misha has ever bullied. So about 15% of the
population of the British Isles, then. JUDGES! They all love Misha B and
they’re terribly excited that she’s back and gotten rid of that dreary clone
who replaced her for the past few weeks.
Up next is Marcus, who’ll be singing Wham’s I’m Your Man.
Hopefully Louis won’t take that as a proposition. Marcus’s VT is all about his
relationship with Gary. He’s not just his mentor, you see, he’s his FWIEND. Marcus
excitedly tells us how he visited Gary’s recording studio, which I’m just going
to assume is a horrible smutty euphemism. Further talk of Gary’s “recording
studio” and the fun times Marcus had “in it” pushing all the buttons and
fiddling with the knobs. What vile smut. On to the performance! Marcus singing this
song is somehow gayer than George Michael doing it. Perhaps that’s why George
was taken ill this week; Marcus is absorbing his swagger. Well, that or his
habit of smoking greenhouses of weed and crashing into gay cruising areas has
finally worn his health away to nothing. Marcus proceeds to vault up onto the
judge’s table and gyrates in front of Louis Walsh. MY EYES! Judges! Louis is
unable to talk because he is so overcome with arousal. The sexually charged
talk continues as Kelly Rowland fixates on Marcus’s abs, Dermot calls him “The
postman who ALWAYS delivers”, Gary Barlow mentions how Marcus “came in my
dressing room earlier” and Louis talks about how he’d like Marcus to explode
hot sperm all over his face.
Kelly Rowland warns us to shut the building down as Kat
Slater is next. Why? Does she have rabies or something? Diabetes isn’t
contagious, Kelly, you ignorant shrew. Amelia explains how she’s so happy she
got through at the expense of Fat Craig. This intro video is where she truly
becomes an established part of the show, as we experience all of the clichés
you’d expect from an X-Factor intro-reel the week after a contestant was in the
bottom two. Amelia is sad! Amelia picks herself back up! Amelia is determined
not to end up in the sing-off again! Amelia’s guilty pleasure is Anita Dobson’s
Anyone Can Fall in Love, also known as The Ridiculous Song That Put Lyrics to
the Eastenders’ Theme Tune and Inexplicably Made it to No.4 in the UK Charts.
Well, actually it’s T’Pau’s China in Your Hands. But I’m going to pretend she
sang the other song instead, because that’s much more amusing than the reality
of Amelia belting out T’Pau and doing a damned good job of it. So, four-fifths
of the guilty pleasures were songs from the 1980s? And the other one was Justin
Bieber, which doesn’t count as actual music as it is actually a form of aural
heroin that only affects thirteen year old girls. Judges! Louis reminds
everyone that he saved Kat last week. Except he fucking well didn’t, he showed
homo-solidarity and voted to save Biscuitman last week. Tulisa loved Amelia!
Gary... reminds Amelia of her numerous defeats in this competition for some
reason and then insults T’Pau. He goes on to call your mother fat, makes a joke
about people with Down’s Syndrome and then phones Simon Cowell to ask is he
doing the likeable Mr Nasty routine right yet.
Up next again is Little Kandy Girl-Lash again. And again,
Tulisa introduces them as her “Little Muffins” again again again. And to think
they call this show predictable repetitive nonsense. A second song means
suffering through a second intro-video. Because the first wasn’t execrable
enough. The girls explain that their musical hero is Christina Aguilera and
they’re going to be singing Beautiful as it means so much to them. Because, we
are reminded for the millionth time, they’re ordinary girls! Just like all the
girls at home who don’t normally vote for girlbands on this show because they
think they’re going to fuck their boyfriends and piss on their favourite shoes
or whatever primal social fear it is that makes girls mean to one another for
no reason. So keep voting for Little Mix, because if you don’t, it’s just
like kicking yourself in the face with a shit-covered shoe. Footage
of the girls being interviewed by a random radio dude about Pick ‘n’ Mix being
bullied online. “I AM NEVER GOING TO GO ON A DIET BECAUSE I LIKE EATING TOO
MUCH”, she explains. She’s got such a mighty mane of hair. She looks like a
lioness. Or a King Charles Cavalier. The girls do an average rendition of this
incredibly over-exposed and worn out song that has Pick ‘n’ Mix sobbing her
little heart out by the end. Awwww. I think I want them to win now, just
because my life is a better place with Jesy in it. The rest of them can fuck
off. Aside from Mixed Up, maybe. I like her evil little vole-like face. Judges!
Louis is still in the toilets masturbating furiously after Marcus thrusted into
his face earlier. Kelly liked it. Gary Barlow thought the vocal was a bit weak
but he approves of the friendship between the girls. I’m sure they’re delighted
to know that. Dermot attempts to speak to a snotty/sobby Pick ‘n’ Mix, who
explains that they chose the song because all the ORDINARY GIRLS who follow
them on Twitter asked them to. So what you’re saying is that you didn’t pick
the song because Christina is your musical hero? I’ve just lost all respect for
Little Mix. Which means I feel exactly the same about them as I did 3 minutes
ago.
The next act is Janet, unless she’s forgotten how to leave the
toilet where she’s been crying for the past 40 minutes since she forgot the
words to Mmmbop. As the theme for the second song is musical heroes, I was
really hoping that we’d see Janet perform some Pantera. Alas, she’s decided to
sing the Red Hot Chilli Peppers’ Under the Bridge instead. Dammit, Janet. In
the intro-video we’re introduced to her boyfriend Brendan, who looks rather
a lot like Richmond the Goth from the IT Crowd. Or y’know, Noel Fielding, who
isn’t exactly dressing much different when he’s playing Richmond to how he
normally dresses, I guess. The staging for Janet’s performance involves a giant
screen with Janet’s face on it blankly fading in and out, watching herself
perform. It's like that Halloween special of South Park presented in Spooky Vision that has Barbra Striesand's face flash on-screen to horrifying effect every so often. I like to think it’s a manifestation of Janet’s soul, trapped in limbo
watching her reanimated body perform and helpless to do anything about it. And
wondering how Brendan can love the cold, dead skin of zombie Janet so much more
than he ever loved Live Janet. It’s much better than her first song, which is
faint praise indeed. Being kicked in the face by a horse is a better experience
than Janet singing Mmmbop. JUDGES! Blah blah blah Ireland blah blah blah
shamrock says Louis. Tulisa lauds Janet for being herself. Basically Tulisa
says something completely pointless. Then Gary says that he respects Janet for
completely ignoring the advice and criticism he gives her every single week.
Gary likes when people ignore him? He’d fucking love me so; I’m always trying
to convince myself that he doesn’t exist. Kelly Rowland says Janet should be
proud because she, and I quote “you’re still like I’m still gonna come out here
and I’m still gonna sing my Janet Devlin style way of singin that I know how to
do”. Such a wordsmith, that Kelly Rowland. Before Dermot can interview Janet,
the Ghostbusters storm into the studio and trap her in an ecto-containment
unit.
Misha’s second intro video is all about how Misha and Kelly
are BFFs now. We see them hanging out and having fun, and Misha enthuses to the
camera about how awesome Kelly is, and Kelly bitches about how Beyoncé hasn’t
been in touch in weeks, and when she is it’s all baby this and baby that, so
she’s had to get a new BFF and as Michelle Williams is so fucking boring, she
decided to go with Misha instead. They hug! Misha is performing Killing Me
Softly as her second song. So does this mean that Lauren Hill is her musical
hero or Roberta Flack? Misha performs in front of several mirrors, reflecting
her arse into infinity. Imagine if they’d done this kind of staging for Treyc
and Her Massive Arse last year. It would have melted eyeballs. Continents would
been lost. Civilisations destroyed. The mirrors make it appears as though there
are many Mishas, which I’m sure is a concept that has reduced all of Little Mix
to tears. The performance doesn’t really work. For a start, there’s no rapping.
Secondly, there’s no evil Misha laugh. And finally, she sings the whole song
in a rather upbeat manner that just doesn’t work. It comes across as "Oh,
he's killing me softly! Wheeeeee!" But it’s definitely better than Little Paije
Richardson’s gender-altered version from last year, so I guess that’s
something. Judges! Tulisa reckons that this has been Misha’s best week ever and
that she’s the one the other contestants have to beat. Including the ones who
have never been in the bottom two, Tulisa? Gary says that the competition would
be duller without Misha. Well, he’d be the expert on that, wouldn't he.
Marcus returns with a completely unfocussed intro-video
that’s sort of about how Stevie Wonder has always been his musical hero,
genuinely, unlike all the other contestants who were just lying (I’M LOOKING AT
YOU, LITTLE MIX) and then segues into how his mother is so proud of her gay
postman son, who clambers onto tables and shoves his crotch into the faces of
middle-aged Irish men while singing 80s camp classics by public-sex fan George
Michael. Marcus is singing Stevie’s Lately. He sings it a little bit too
earnestly; it’s all a bit over-emotional and contrived to drag emotions out of your unfeeling heart whether you like it or not. It's also boring. Really
boring. JUDGES! Louis just stares at Marcus’s groin and doesn’t say a word.
Tulisa says it was emotional. Yes, Tulisa, but it was too emotional. It was
forced emotion. It was overwrought and unconvincing. And more than a little bit
shouty. Tulisa tells us that Marcus doesn’t want to play the sympathy card but
he’s had a tough life and deserves to be in the competition. I KNEW he seemed excessively
comfortable gyrating for old man Louis earlier! Tulisa’s comments just
make me want to Google Marcus non-stop until I can find out exactly what the
fuck she’s referring to.
That’s your lot for tonight. Tune in tomorrow when the show
will feature world-class musical guests like... eh... Olly Murs and Jessie
J. Oh. Well, tune in anyway.
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