The X-Factor 2011: Week 6 - Results

IT’S TIME. TO CRUSH SOMEONES DREAMS AND THEN FORCE THEM TO TAKE PART IN A TOUR OF THE BRITISH ISLES IN THE NEW YEAR, BEFORE CASTING THEM ADRIFT, SHACKLED TO A CONTRACT THAT PREVENTS THEM FROM RELEASING A SINGLE OF THEIR OWN UNTIL 12 MONTHS AFTER THE SHOW BEGAN, THUS MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR THEM TO CAPITALISE ON THEIR SHORT-LIVED FAME! Okay, so I actually missed the first few minutes of the show because I was being a good boy and doing an assignment, but I’m sure I didn’t miss anything crucial. If it was anything like the previous show, the only thing I missed would have been several minutes of badly edited old auditions.

Well, actually, I did miss most of the Horrendous Group Song™. On the one hand, I’m delighted, because the Horrendous Group Song usually makes me want to plunge my head into a bathtub full of acid. On the other hand, the Horrendous Group Song usually makes me stop to re-evaluate my life and think “Hey, things aren’t so bad you know. If I can make it through that wooden, uncoordinated, autotuned disaster then I can survive anything. Perhaps even sticking my head into a bathtub full of acid.” Oh look, I tuned in just in time for the interminable recap. Woo and indeed Hoo. Mixed fortunes for Dreary Janet! Applause for future serial killer Biscuitman! A big “Meh” for Marcus! A chariot and dancers pretending to be horses for Kitty! The brief return of 2 Shoes! It all just reminds me what an amazing show we didn’t have last night.

The first of our musical guests tonight is... oh fuck. It’s One Dimension, back to torment me. It’s time to welcome back Muslim Bieber, Irish Bieber, Curly-haired Bieber, Superior Clone of Bieber Bieber and Inferior Clone of Bieber Bieber. The boys haven’t changed at all since last year, except that two of them are now Curly Headed Biebers, which just means I’m going to have to completely rethink my naming conventions. Oh, and they’ve also since had a DEBUT NUMBER 1 and 2011’s FASTEST SELLING SINGLE, according to the X-Factor Hyperbolic Text Generator. Bieber Squad are singing their new song, which I’m not even going to bother looking up the name of. The song is a careful demonstration of Boyband Songwriting Principle Number 7: Have the boys sing directly to an unnamed GIRL as often as possible. This allows prepubescent females who have yet to develop the critical faculties necessary to realise that One Dimension will never be their boyfriends to continue thinking there’s a chance that one of them might indeed be their boyfriend. This principle is illuminated with the lyrical wordsmithery of this song, such as “Girl, can we try one more time, one more time?” and “Girl, can you cup my balls when you do that? Oh yeah, just like that. Now work the shaft. Mmm. Oh yeah”. Irish Bieber is still completely gormless and verging on retardation, and proceeds to DANCE VERY ENERGETICALLY while all the others are doing their best to pour some doe-eyed emotion into vapid lyrics like “Girl, won’t you let me take a dump on your chest, and leave it there for a day, and then lick your eyelids?”. But at least his hair isn’t two tones of ridiculous any more. Newly Curly Haired Bieber sounds like a wolf being raped by a bear during his section. “Oh girl, can I stick my fingers up your nose, and cum in your hair? If I call you girl, will you be my girl? I’ll never cheat on you. Girl. If you’d only massage my prostate”. And then we’re done. Thank fuck. The producers have paid the audience to react wildly, and when they’re finished, Dermot asks Bieber Squad who their favourites are. “Little Mix” they say, before hastily adding “But not the hefty one.”

Dermot decides to fill some time by awkwardly interviewing the contestants. He asks Kitty if she’s excited to meet her hero Lady Gaga. Kitty is excited to meet her hero Lady Gaga. Dermot asks Janet if she’s nervous. She is nervous. The insightful interviewing continues until we have filled the requisite amount of time. Also notable: the huge reaction Marcus gets from the female contingent of the audience. Either they’re all fag hags half cut on Smirnoff Ice, or they’re particularly deluded.

And then it’s time for genuine intergalactic superstar Lady Gaga to whore her newest (lame) single, Marry the Night, which supports the right of individuals to marry concepts of time. Keep an ear out for the follow-ups, Aborting the Morning and Divorcing Noon. The Hyperbolic Text Generator informs us that Gaga has won several Brit Awards, as though that means something. Gaga probably isn’t even aware she owns any Brit Awards. She melts them down and uses them to fill in cracks on her Grammys, American Music Awards and Billboard Awards. Gaga’s performance begins inside a confessional with a gigantic cross overhead, from which she emerges wearing a costume that makes it look as if she’s been decapitated. Then she changes into her knickers, which have more talent in them than all five of One Direction. Performance over, Dermot asks her if she knows who Kitty is. “Provided you ask me no further questions, my response is ‘Yes’”, says the Gaga. Then she leaves to go and change into her eveningwear, which is probably going to consist of a urinal costume and toilet-seat hat.

It’s results time! Boring serial killer Biscuitman is through and closer than ever to realising his ambition of meeting Adele, killing her and stealing her skin to fashion a wedding dress out of. Janet is through, and looks about as shocked as the rest of us. Sparkle-fag Marcus is through. DON’T BE SO SHIT NEXT WEEK, MARCUS. FRANKIE is through. Oh wait, he isn’t. Muwahahahaha. Kat Slater is safe, leaving Little Mix, Misha B and Kitty... Little Mix are safe. Pick ‘n’ Mix eats her fellow band members with joy.

Kitty decides to sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow, a song about an alternate world where things are better, and you just know she’s imagining a planet where she’s touring with Lady Gaga. Or just somewhere where she survives the forthcoming judge’s vote. It’s a good performance, and it’s at times like these, stripped of bombast and spectacle, that you’re reminded that she genuinely can sing very well.

Now it’s Misha, singing a song called I Am Not a Bully (But I’m Going To Fucking Kill You). Well, she actually isn’t, but I have no idea what she actually sang and had to look it up online. Then it turned out to be Jessie J. Whatever. It’s good but I always prefer upbeat fierce bitch Misha B to sombre I’ma Be Eliminated Misha. We go to the Judges, even though it’s a foregone conclusion that Kitty is going home. Louis saves Kitty, obviously, while the other three choose to send her home. Louis gallops on-stage to say farewell to his final act, as he again becomes the first judge to lose all of his performers. Kitty asks Dermot for the microphone so that she can give us one last Kitty moment, and sings a few lines of the song she couldn’t perform last night, Born This Way. And after making her dignified exit from the show, the class act continued over on the Xtra Factor (I swear I only watch it for the first ten minutes to see how tight Olly’s trousers are), where El Gaga herself ran on-stage at high speed, despite wearing a pair of mutha-fucking huge heels, threw her arms around Kitty and asked her to come for a drink with her. In Kitty’s head, that’s probably a better prize than she would’ve gotten for winning the show.