The X-Factor: Week Nine

IT’S TIME. TO DISGRACE. THE MUSIC! Oh Exuberant Voiceover Man, what will I do without you? Tonight on the X-Factor semi-final, our theme is Club Classics, a choice which has absolutely nothing to do with helping out Cher and One Direction, who in case you had forgotten, are contemporary, relevant and the wave of the future. If you had forgotten then don’t worry, Simon and Cheryl are going to remind you a million times.

In her intro video, Rebecca tells us that she feels that she’s really grown as an android over the last 9 weeks. She’s mastered and customised her sound projection utilities to the point that she’s now confident to begin tweaking her newly installed Upbeat Vocal Programming with Actual Club Classic Show Me Love. To everyone’s shock, Rebecca has not had the song slowed down into a mid-tempo ballad that she can sway and shimmy along to with bored ease - nope, she actually performs the song as it was intended to be performed. And, even more shockingly, Rebeccabot has decided to engage her Mobility Suite at the same time as her Upbeat Vocal Programming. That’s right, Rebecca is actually MOVING. The new operating system they’ve installed is working wonders. Rebecca can now multitask. Presumably she’s also learnt how to copy and paste and play Flash video. Cheryl Cole spends the entire routine smiling vacantly and clapping along like a well trained seal. Judges! Louis Walsh thinks Rebecca showed us love and emotion. That’s because the song is called Show Me Love. And Love is an emotion. Insightful, that Mr Walsh.

Mary Tesco. We’re going to play a game. We’re going to count how many times Louis Walsh tells us that Mary is going to sing her heart. Mary is singing Never Can Say Goodbye. She commences the performance from a chair shaped like an oyster, like Venus’s party animal mother. Then two dancers grab her under both arms and unceremoniously/hilariously haul her up out of the chair, like Venus’s party animal mother who’s had a few too many whiskies and needs a hand getting to her taxi. It’s hardly Mary’s finest hour – upbeat numbers have never been her strength which is probably something they calculated when they decided to have the semi-final be Club Classics. And just like the last time she did an upbeat number, our retinas get burned by the image of Mary shimmying her hips scandalously. TWICE. The end is also terribly out of sync with the backing track. Judges! Dannii lauds the return of Mary’s mojo, which up until last week was being held hostage by Wagner. Cheryl says something vapid, and Cowell and Louis have a bitch-fight about the necessity of mentioning that Mary had flu and couldn’t rehearse all week. Singing her heart out out count: Louis mentions that Mary vomited up her aorta on two occasions, bringing the series total to 48.

On to the last remaining Y chromosome on the show (One Direction don’t count – they have no genitals on account of being from the Disney clone factory) – Matt Cardle. Matt also had flu this week. Hmm... two contestants AND Simon Cowell struck down by flu? Are they sure it’s flu and not a rare strain of Ebola introduced into the air conditioning system by Katie Waissell as her last act of vengeance? Blah blah blah feel sorry for Matt he couldn’t rehearse. In a drastic change to the norm, Matt is singing a song originally performed by a female –Candi Staton’s You’ve Got The Love. He does an alright job, despite the sheen of sweat slicked across his forehead and a general vibe of “Oh fuck, I’m about to collapse”. He can’t be too sick though, because at no point does he ever come close to puking up his heart, so I guess Mary wins the battle of the viruses. Judges! Simon has another hop off the performers for whinging about having flu. We can rest easy in the knowledge then that if one-fifth of One Direction had the sniffles Simon wouldn’t use it to try and generate a few sympathy votes from the public, then.

Next up, Cher Lloyd. Cher deadpans her way through her VT as usual as she tries to tell us if she comes off as cocky/arrogant/obnoxious/insipid, it’s just because she’s a confident performer, and off-stage she’s a soft fluffy bunny with huge anime eyes that quiver tearfully at the slightest hint of rejection. Cher’s club classic is BoB’s Nothin’ On You. I think “Club classic” is pushing it for a song that was released in March, but I guess it’s impossible to stop Cher picking such recent hits given how unrelentingly contemporary and current and relevant she is. The performance follows the well established Cher Lloyd formula – Cher stands on stage and sings, then does the rap bit as a horde of dancers dash frantically about the stage trying to distract us from the ugly faces she's pulling, then we return to the singing for the “glorious” finale. We only deviate from this formula when Cher decides to do a ballad to show us she actually has emotions and didn’t sell them to a pikey for a new crack pipe and a few cans of Dutch Gold. Judges! Louis says that Cher has really come a long way. From what? Songs with a rap in the middle to... songs with a rap in the middle? Cowell looks directly into the camera and tells us that Cher represents every teenager in Britain who has a dream in these dark recessionary times, and that if she makes it into the finals she will become a shining beacon of hope for humanity to really round and find a way forward into a utopia of peace, prosperity and increased revenue for SyCo and its subsidiary companies. He also says it’ll be a “travesty” if she doesn’t make it into the finals. Like the Holocaust.

The Five Muppeteers. Went to see the premiere of the new Narnia movie where they met Joe McElderry, who advised them to never admit that one of them is gay if they want to maximise the interest from young record buying tweens, as he has discovered to his low-selling disappointment. Simon couldn’t mentor the boys this week as he had flu. Superior Bieber holds up a Get Well Soon card that a production assistant made and handed to him five minutes before they filmed their video, in order to show how cheeky and fun they are. Cheryl mentored the boys in Simon’s stead. So I guess they all have the clap now. Bieber Squad are channelling the ghost of Paije, as they perform a song with altered lyrics to make it clear THEY ARE NOT GAYS – Rihanna’s Only Girl In The World. A song so current and relevant that it makes Chery Lloyd’s song choice seem like something from the showband era. This particular "club classic" was released two months ago. “I’m gonna make you feel, like you’re the only girl in the world. Like you’re the only girl that I’ll ever love” they sing, in a move that causes 150,000 14 year olds to collapse and another 300,000 to immediately pick up their phones and start dialling. In an unprecedented move, the choreography allows Muslim Bieber to take up a place in the centre of the fivesome where normally only Superior Bieber and Curly Headed Bieber are allowed to stand. I guess they’re being nice to him since his grandfather died this week as Katie’s campaign of vengeance claimed its first life. Judges! Dannii and Louis give us variations on delivering the words “next big boyband” while Cole says that the song was perhaps “too current” which leads to the most amazingly hypocritical moment of the entire series, as the Dark Lord of the Sith himself accuses her of “being tactical”. Bwahahahahahaha. This from the man who had Big Band week scrapped for the first time in the history of the show because it wouldn’t lend itself easily to One Direction or Cher.

Matt Cardle’s second performance! Is “She’s Always A Woman” and it’s fucking boring. And terrible. It’s easy to see what they were going for – cover one of the soppiest songs to (re)enter the collective consciousness this year as a result of its use in a high profile advertising campaign, the sort of song Matt could drone through easily any other day of the week, and watch the votes, love letters and wet knickers arrive in an avalanche. Unfortunately, Matt’s hurty throat scuppers the performance somewhat. But hell, even if it hadn’t it’s still a bloody boring song so it’s hard to know which of the two is more to blame for the general awfulness of it. Judges! Louis says that Matt has never had a bad performance. WHAT ABOUT THE ONE HE JUST DID, LOUIS, YOU MUPPET? Cheryl says she can see the illness on Matt’s face. She’s terribly perceptive like that, what with her uncanny ability to see the cold sweat creeping down his forehead.

It’s Two-For-One time at Tesco, with Mary’s second performance. Mary tells us in her intro video that the semi final is about five people fighting like mad. Five people? Is that confirmation that all of One Dimension are just clones of Justin Bieber made to look slightly different through clever lighting tricks and hair products? For those playing X Factor cliché bingo, Dannii drops that old classic “One Hundred Million Per Cent” when talking about how much passion Mary has to give in her performance to get a place in the finale. Dannii won’t be impressed by simple tricks like expelling your heart out of your mouth through the medium of song, oh no. The only thing that’s going to do it for Ms Minogue is watching someone redefine the laws of mathematics. Mary is singing Misty Water Coloured Memorieeeeees and is in bits after about 10 seconds into the performance. She struggles on and gives an average but competent rendition. Unspectacular but at the same time one has to give it to her for delivering a genuinely emotionally resonant performance. Also, I realise I just said “one has to give it to her” and apologise if that creates any unpleasant images of getting it on with Mary. Judges! Dannii says it was beautiful and that she shouldn’t be crying. Mary explains she used to sing it for her mother all the time but hasn’t for 15 years since her mother was killed by death. Dannii blinks and wishes the botox hadn’t robbed her of the ability to cry. Cheryl and Simon give reserved praise and Louis urges women of a certain age to vote for Mary because she’s every woman. Singing her heart out count at the end of the judging: 76.

Cher Lloyd! Cheryl reminds us that this is our last chance to get Cher into the final. But don’t worry, because if you forget to vote they’ll just change the rules to keep her in anyway. Cher tells us that she’s never been given a song like this that has made her feel every single emotion under the sun. Even ennui. Cheryl explains that the song we’re about to hear was originally by two artists (let’s guess... one of them rapped and the other sang, right?) but Cher will make it her own. By rapping and singing. Cher explains that the song is her cry to the nation “Please. Let me make it.” Dannii describes the song choice as “dangerous” and the entire intro video creates a sense of apocalyptic dread – as though if Cher fails to pull this one off then her soul will actually explode and destroy the entire genre of pop-rap. Cher is singing a sort of mash-up of Love the Way You Lie Parts the First and Second. Basically some of Ri-Ri’s singy bits from Part 2 and whatever non-sweary Eminem parts they could cull from either song. It is horrendous, right from the off. Her voice waivers all over the place for the singing and the arrangement for the music is atrocious. She’s completely emotionally disconnected from the lyrics, which isn’t what you want from a song that’s about a mutually destructive abusive relationship. Sort of like the one Cher has with the X-Factor. It’s terribly overwrought and over-cooked – like Cher is trying to batter us with the lyrics to prove that she gets them when it’s patently obvious that she doesn’t have a clue. Gouts of flame erupt from the stage as Cher screeches to the finale. Judges! Louis loves everything about Cher! Dannii would have preferred to see Cher sing a ballad. Simon says that Cher is fantastic and that she hasn’t sold out. Let me repeat that: Simon Cowell, who believes integrity is just a word you can potentially get a lot of points for in Scrabble, just tried to assure us that someone was genuine. Cher responds to Dannii’s (fairly inoffensive) criticism by saying she just wants to bring a new twist to British music and do something different. By being completely repetitive and doing the same thing every week?

Rebecca Ferguson! Good lord, I can actually feel the lassitude seeping into my bones just from watching her intro video. She seems like a lovely girl but she’s just so fucking boring. I mean, I’ve had to invent a persona where she’s a fucking robot from the future just to keep myself awake recapping her performances for chrissakes. Anyway, Rebecca-bot is singing Amazing Grace, because she has only recently learned that many humans follow various belief systems called religions and thinks it would be interesting to explore that area of the race through the medium of song. As this is the X Factor, it is of course impossible for a song like this to be performed without 42 people swaying behind Rebecca, pretending to be a choir. It’s a very pretty vocal performance and suits Rebecca’s voice, unlike a lot of the songs she’s done before, but remains pretty boring. I mean, it’s hardly the wave of the future like Pikey Lloyd or One Dimension, is it? Louis says Rebecca is his favourite contestant ever. I can imagine Louis Walsh waking up in the morning, picking a box of Weetabix out of the cupboard and squawking “YOU’RE MY FAVOURITE HIGH FIBRE BREAKFAST CEREAL EVER!” returning to the cupboard, spotting a box of Bran Flakes and feeling terribly guilty for a moment, before shouting “AND YOU’RE MY FAVOURITE HIGH FIBRE BREAKFAST CEREAL THAT COMES IN A BLUE BOX!” and smiling stupidly to himself. And then falling over. Simon applauds Rebecca for not having a game-plan and being sincere, two qualities he cannot understand but does admire.

Bieber Squad are up last. They explain they’re feeling vewy vewy sad because Muslim’s grandfather was killed by Katie. It’s particularly upsetting because after being together for 9 weeks, they’ve started to feel like they’re brothers. That’s because you’re all fucking cloned from the same source, you dumbasses. Hey, remember when Big Gay Paije’s grandmother died and they never mentioned it in his intro-video or sought to use it to leverage sympathy votes? Wasn’t that nice and dignified? Yeah, I thought so too. Ah! It’s Chasing Cars! I’m surprised it took this long for someone to cover it, but it was as inevitable as the annual charity single. Irish Bieber’s had a makeover this week, and his horrible two-toned hair has been more uniformly bleached so he looks like less of a retard than usual. Yes, I do actually find myself more interested in Fuckwits United’s hair than in anything they could possibly perform. Unless it was Telephone. That’d be worth watching. So yeah, it’s Chasing Cars. There are lots of puppy dog eyes and there’s a key change and swaying and it’s all very saccharine and I need to take a few units of insulin afterwards. Judges! Louis knows all their names! Dannii thinks they’ve never had such a good band on the show! Poor JLS. Cheryl’s lipstick is the same deep red as her World AIDS Day ribbon! Simon talks about how hard working they are and what a good work ethic they exhibit and how even when he knows their jaws are getting tired they just keep on sucking anyway until he’s finally close. And he’s really proud of them for that.

RESULTS SHOW

I’m never sure how to react when we have three musical guests on the results show. On the one hand, it saves us having to watch the horrific group songs. On the other hand, the group songs can be fucking hilarious. Oh well, no group song tonight as we march on to our first act with something to promote; former X-Factor champion and forever in Leona Lewis’s shadow: Alexandra Burke. Alex is promoting The Silence, an insipid little ballad and roughly the twelfth single to be released from her debut album Overcome, now available as a special deluxe edition featuring new songs and a scratch-and-sniff poster of Alex that smells like that deodourant she advertises. The singing is good, the performance weird (violin players dangling upside-down from the ceiling while Alex is lifted into the air on a harness to wail the ending notes) and Alexandra herself as pleasant as ever. Like a version of Leona Lewis with a personality.

Our second act is the cast of Glee. This is going to be very confusing for British viewers, where the second season hasn’t even started yet. Who is the blonde guy with the porn star lips? Where’s Kurt? (Answer: Off being a martyr for clichéd storylines to give gay characters, probably) And even more bizarrely, why are they insisting on having the actor playing Artie perform in his wheelchair when we all know that he can fucking walk? There’s a hilarious moment where Mercedes (I can’t be arsed finding out their real names) bellows DON’T STOP BELIEVING right into Simon Cowell’s face, and given his penchant for darker ladies who can belt out glory notes, I’m pretty sure he probably got an erection there. And came. Twice. Clean up on aisle number 4, Mary.

Finally and most abominably of all, we have the Black Eyed Peas with their latest absolute musical abortion. It’s impossible to recap what they did, because the performance itself actually resulted in the complete destruction of the concept of music itself, throughout the universe. It’s difficult to fathom how this band keep managing to plumb lower and lower depths, considering their discography includes such disasters as Let’s Get Retarded, Don’t Phunk With My Heart, My Fucking Humps and Boom Boom Pow, but each and every time, just when you think they’ve hit absolute rock bottom... oh look, here’s a lower place. The horror concludes with Cheryl Cole’s celebrity friend will.i.am announcing that his favourite acts are Rebeccabot and Cher. And the sky is blue.

With the marketing over and done with we can finally get on to the actual results. The first act through to the final is... One Direction. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Fuck you, voting public. Next act through is Rebeccabot. Rebecca searches for happiness.exe and smiles. And Matt is through, too. Which leaves Mary and Cher... in the sing-off? Huh? But it’s the semi-final. The semi-final never involves a sing-off. It’s always down to the public vote alone at this point in the competition (and in some years, even the week BEFORE the semi-final) This can only mean one thing: Cher was bottom of the public vote. Speaking of, Ms. Lloyd has already started falling to pieces before she’s even done her song for survival. By falling to pieces I do of course mean that she’s started scrunching her face up and looking like she’s about to shit herself as she tries in vain to squeeze out a drop of fluid from her eyes. Mary just looks resigned. Mary is a smart woman.

Before we reach the most obvious foregone conclusion in the history of foregone conclusions, we have to sit through Mary doing It’s A Man’s World, which you might remember she performed in the very first show all those weeks ago. It’s a confident performance with no emotional theatrics – it’s pretty obvious Mary knows she’s a goner and is just enjoying her last shot at performing for several million viewers. What is it with X-Factor losers exiting with grace and dignity the past few weeks? Even Katie managed it. Cher totters on-stage to sing Britney Spears’s Everytime. Cher is obviously confused, because she starts acting out an emotional breakdown halfway through the song, but as anyone can tell you, Everytime is from the period BEFORE Britney went storming off the emotional rocker. You need to consult some Britney Spears musical historians next time, Ms Lloyd. I think I know one or two who might be able to help. JUDGES! Louis saves Mary because she sang her heart out 112 times throughout the series. Dannii saves Cher because she knows she’s the most disposable judge and would like to have a job next year. Cheryl saves Cher, obviously. And Cowell saves Cher, also obviously. And so, the most bizarre and questionable semi-final in the history of the X-Factor draws to a close, and Mary resigns herself to making a couple of grand from appearing in Tesco ads and singing on the Late Late Show. Next week we have TWO NIGHTS OF TWO HOUR SHOWS, which is going to absolutely destroy me. Particularly if Bieber Squad win. I’m warning you Britain, DO NOT do that to me.