The Year In Music Part 2

July -The mutilated corpse of Music, having been desecrated by Scooter’s success in May, suffered further butchering when Basshunter returned with the album Now You’re Gone (the follow up to 2004’s LOL (^^,)… and I’m not joking, that’s what the album was called) and single All I Ever Wanted. Speculation that the album owes its success entirely to girls kitted out in Claire’s Accessories’ finest with a strong hint of WKB Blue to their breath has yet to be confirmed. -With regard to less horrendous music, Black Kids released Partie Traumatic, which got to #5 based on the strength of catchy single I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance. -Revellers who had paid roughly €80,000 for tickets to attend 2008’s Oxegen Festival at Punchestown were entertained by the likes of Kings of Leon, REM, The Chemical Brothers and even Amy Winehouse, who managed to divert herself from her year-long rambling about husband/waster Blakey Wakey Prison Rapey long enough to put in a semi-coherent performance, which did not involve smacking a fan across the face as her set at Glastonbury a month earlier had. August -Kid Rock clambered to the top spot in August with All Summer Long, also known as “That Sweet Home Alabama song”, causing the defiled and dismembered remains of music to spontaneously combust. Anthropomorphic researchers speculated that only if the Beatles were to somehow reform and release an album of new material with Elvis Presley on backing vocals could Music be rehabilitated. -Kid Rock’s 7 day reign of terror was brought to a close by casual lesbianism, as Katy Perry whipped nightclub dancefloors into a storm of drunken girl-on-girl action with I Kissed a Girl, which spent 5 weeks at the top despite being blasted by the religious (Churchie folk were appalled by the “promotion” of homosexuality) and the sacrilegious (gay folk were appalled by a straight girl appropriating lesbianism for attention and column inches). -In the album charts, over-produced dullards The Script scored a number 1 and were never off the radio for longer than half an hour, while middle-aged women sent Abba’s 17 year old Greatest Hits album Gold back to the top after being whipped into a menopausal frenzy by Mamma Mia!

September -Good old Southern values saw off Katy Perry’s cherry chapstick when Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon topped the chart for 3 weeks and became a bit of an anthem for gangs of drunk boys up and down country as they waited for a post-nightclub taxi. A successful album quickly followed. -Five years after the not-so-well-received St Anger, Metallica returned to the album charts with the much-better-received Death Magnetic, an album so badly produced that the versions of the songs in Guitar Hero are regarded as being of better quality than those on the disc. -Elbow won the Mercury Music Prize and made off with £20,000 (before the Sterling imploded) for Seldom Seen Kid. I have not heard the album but as I like precisely one Elbow song from years ago, I officially declare it to be brilliant. Plus Cathy Davey has sung backing vocals for them which must make them ace by association. October -Actress and former American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson saw her September release Spotlight enjoy a resurgence in popularity following the much publicised murder of her mother, brother and nephew. The failure of the song to emulate the popularity of I Kissed a Girl shows that when it comes to publicity, lesbianism beats murder and infanticide hands down. -Pink bounced to the top of the charts with the slightly schizophrenic So What: an upbeat-sounding and oh so very catchy song about… divorce and marital strife. -The X-Factor reached the live finals stage of the competition, with new judge Cheryl Cole being so warmly received that the Queen herself made an appearance on the show to award Our Cheryl a certificate officially declaring her a national treasure. She then spat at Dannii Minogue while dame Louis Walsh cackled in the background. -Oasis could only manage a week at number 1, and we all laughed our tits off at the YouTube footage of Noel being pushed off a stage in Canada November -Mariah Carey graced the X-Factor with her presence (also known as her cleavage) and a cover version of Hero ensured that when their 15 minutes of fame are up, each and every one of those contestants we knew and remember fondly, such as Prison Bitch, the Ugly Girl band, Spastic Hand, the Less Ugly Girl Band, Foetus-faced Boy and the bloke with the dead wife, will be able to tell their grandchildren they had a number one single. Well maybe not Prison Bitch, if the Social come around and take t’kids off of her again. -Snow Patrol released a new album. No one noticed. -Rihanna released Rehab, the five-hundred and fifty-seventh single from Good Girl Gone Bad Reloaded Deluxe Extreme Ultimate Limited Edition vol.III December -Legitimate music fans were OUTRAGED and INCENSED when Simon Cowell had the audacity to have X-Factor winner Alexandra Burke cover Jeff Buckley’s cover of John Cale’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, and began a crusade to get Buckley’s version to the top of the charts rather than Burke’s. Cowell was no doubt distraught at this manifestation of his power, which resulted in not one, or even two, but three versions of the same song (Burke’s, Buckley’s and Cohen’s) making the Top 30 mere days after the X-Factor final, with the former two taking the Xmas #1 and #2 respectively, and all because of a decision he made. That’ll teach him, won’t it? -Previous to Burke’s number one, Cowell’s money-printing factory had already been working overtime when Leona Lewis spent two weeks at the top with a cover of Snow Patrol’s Run that’s been about five times more successful than the original.