The Year In Music Part 1

The year began with the X-Factor’s answer to Michael Bublé, Leon Jackon (a man so watered down that he’s practically a homeopathic remedy) astride the charts in both the UK and Ireland like some sort of Scottish Colossus of Rhodes. The year ended with the X-Factor’s answer to Leona Lewis (wait…) in a similar position. Here’s what happened in between:

January
-January was a pretty bad month for music. Scouting for Girls strummed their way to the top of the album charts with their lacklustre album of the same name, proving once and for all that “indie”, now the catch-all term for any bunch of twenty something young men with tousled hair, an acoustic guitar and a penchant for self indulgent angst, was the new pop. Further spitting upon the fetid corpse of music was Basshunter’s ascent to the top of the singles chart for a good few weeks, no doubt helped along a wee bit by the mini controversy surrounding the fact that there were pictures of his cock on the internet.

-January also saw a musical odyssey that had been running throughout the previous year reach its crescendo, as Britney Spears was hospitalised for being a few ballads short of a mixtape after barricading herself into her home with her children Billy-Bob and Sheldon-Wesley. Following this incident Papa Spears was given control of his daughter’s life, and her slow descent into self-destruction was abated by his influence and a cocktail of downers.

-MGMT released Oracular Spectacular, an album that was not quite as good as its singles would suggest.

February
-Adele plopped herself at the top of the album charts, while Duffy saved us all from Basshunter when Mercy sashayed to number 1 in the singles with a 60s swagger that also saw off Nickelback, who enjoyed huge success with the song Rockstar for reasons unfathomable.

-Goldfrapp returned with a softer, folksier sound and a flock of attack owls trained to assault Kylie Minogue should she try to emulate their musical stylings again. A&E, the lead single from March’s album Seventh Tree, did well on the radiomachines and was even used in an episode of Hollyoaks. A sure measure of success if ever there was one.

-The NME Awards took place and were as tiresome and predictable as ever. The fact that these people named Pete Doherty Hero of the Year AGAIN should tell you all you need to know.

March
-Duffy and Estelle shared the top-spot duties in March; the latter returning to the charts for the first time since her 2004 debut 1980. Also returning to the charts for the first time since 2004 was REM, who released Accelerate at the end of the month.

-The Winehouse saw the Deluxe edition of Back to Black hit number one in the album chart. Deluxe edition, in case you were wondering, means everything from the original album plus a few tracks that never made it because they weren’t deemed strong enough, and a cover version of Valerie, the song that killed the Zutons.

-Sam Sparro released Black and Gold, the kind of song that makes you think “Oh, that’s good” until you hear it twenty times in a row on the radio and just want to shove the cane that he uses in the video down his neck, ruining his gravelly voice forever and resulting in bankruptcy inducing litigation.

April
-Madonna perched (in the Lotus position, naturally) atop the singles charts with the Timbalanad-produced 4 Minutes. Justin Timberlake and Madge’s Camel Toe provided backing vocals on a song that was instantly familiar. Mostly because it used all the tics and quirks we’d heard a million times before from Timbaland’s very successful work with Nelly Furtado, OneRepublic, Pussycat Dolls and Jay-Z.

-Rihanna jumped on the Deluxe edition bandwagon with Take a Bow, the first single from her re-release of Good Girl Gone Bad, and the… fourth?… no, fifth release from the album overall if you include the original.

-Elsewhere in the charts, Mariah Carey returned and unleashed the usual cacophony of glory notes and bizarre behaviour, while the Arctic Monkeys effect, where anything in any way related to these Gods Of Music must be heralded with multiple journalistic orgasms, proved itself alive and well when frontman Alex Turner’s side-project The Last Shadow-Puppets arrived to critical adoration and numerous awards. Meanwhile, paedo-bait billionaire Miley Cyrus got her tits out for an “arty” photoshoot.

May
-In the charts, Madonna was dethroned by the Ting Tings, as they assured us that Mary-Jo Lisa and a host of other monickers was not their name. The world fell over and had to be set back on it’s axis with a complex series of pulleys and gears when SCOOTER topped the albums with their magnum opus Dush Dush Dush Neon Underlit Boy Racer Glowstick Boobs.

-Ireland was represented at the Eurovision in Belgrade by a Turkey in a trolley, and didn’t even make it to the finals. The competition was eventually won by a Russian fellow whose clothes have a terrible habit of falling off, judging by Google Images. Western European countries announced afterwards that they were officially sulking over the domination of the contest by various Eastern voting blocs, leading to promises of reform for the 2009 contest. In Moscow. Reform. In Moscow. That’ll work.

-Rihanna released If I Never See Your Face Again, the ninth single from Good Girl Gone Bad Reloaded. Another black lady releasing much better music this month was Santogold, with her eponymous debut album, officially my favouritest of the year.

June
-Mint Royale’s Singin’ In The Rain sampling track, the imaginatively titled Singin’ In The Rain, spent 2 weeks at number one after some chav child did some breakdancing to it on ITV. Simon Cowell, like the good Mephistopheles he is, promptly paraded the child around Britain and had him endorse all manner of products, wringing as much money as he could from him before hanging him out to dry just before the time came to start filming the X-Factor.

-A collective blink was blunk when Coldplay scored their first number one single with Viva La Vida. Dumbfounded people rubbed their necks and looked around in confusion as they thought “First number one single? Really?” The album was also a chart-topper, and less of a snorefest than previous album X&Y.

-Rihanna released Disturbia, the twenty-eighth single from Good Girl Gone Bad Reloaded Deluxe Extreme. With no physical release, the song would slowly edge its way up the charts based on radioplay and download sales, peaking in August.