X Factor Week 8 Recap and Results

It’s time! To face the terrifying prospect of Christopher Maloney singing TWICE. So incomprehensible to my brain is this concept, that my mind left my body last weekend, and travelled non-corporeally to London where, for the good of mankind, I attempted to do battle with Maloney on a psychic level. I hurled numerous telepathic attacks at him over the course of several days, preventing me from completing last week’s recap. Eventually I realised that my battle was pointless. Nothing can sway Chris from his dead-eyed determination to succeed and inflict a unique interpretation of various 70s and 80s compilation albums upon us. His brow is furrowed, his goal is within reach. He’s thrusting his arm out, gesticulating with faux-emotion. He could win the X-Factor. He. Could win. The X-Factor. Repeat that 17 times as a mental exercise in steeling yourself for that eventuality.

I also missed the start of tonight's show because I was still mourning Ella’s death. Oh, you mean she didn’t die? Are you sure? I just assumed, what with the reaction to it all... No? Okay, then. I actually missed the start of this week’s show because I was busy shooting heroin into my eyeball. Chasing the dragon is the only thing that gets me through this nightmare now. Anyway, I missed Rylan’s first performance, but caught up online so really my recap should be seamless, which makes this paragraph completely pointless. You just wasted precious minutes of your life reading this, you pathetic bastard.

Rylan’s up first, singing Mamma Mia. Rylan tells Nicole that she’s the first judge ever to make it to the quarter finals with her entire category intact. Nicole celebrates by tangling herself into some sort of yoga position and making whale noises while flapping her arms. It’s her least erratic contribution to the show tonight. Rylan and the rest of the boys celebrate by putting on a Thanksgiving dinner for her. The sight of James Arthur gingerly fingering an uncooked turkey is something I am not going to forget in a hurry. The performance is typical Rylan: barmy, out of tune and with lots of pouting. However it is notable for perhaps being the first time to date that Rylan murders an entire song without segueing into another one. The staging involves dancers dressed as chess pieces parading around a checkerboard-clad Rylan. It makes absolutely no sense but it’s miles better than Chris Maloney’s eyes boring into your soul.

JUDGES! Louis, shockingly, loved it. He thinks that the performance was just like Xmas day. Clearly some sick shit goes on chez Louis over Xmas, then. Louis doesn’t think Rylan is a joke act, he thinks he could be a massive success in Ibiza and the dance charts. He’s just like a little Tiesto. Tulisa loved the staging, because chess really engages her strategic brain. She does criticise the dancers however, pointing out that if the defending rook had been sacrificed, it would’ve opened up an opportunity to promote the pawn and deliver a devastating material advantage. Gary Barlow says Rylan shouldn’t be in the show at this point and not much else. Nicole wishes she was the gel on Rylan’s hair. I think a want a book of Nicole non-sequitors for Christmas.

In their VT, Union J explain how heartbroken they were last weekend when Ella died. We see footage of a bawling Gaymi collapsing into the manly arms of Chris Maloney. TRAITOR. The VT touches on Gaymi’s decision to come out and the reason for it: Things have gotten desperate for Union J. They’ve been in the bottom two twice now, and the producers have decided that they need all the votes they can get. The girls-love-Union-J angle just wasn’t working as strongly as they hoped, so it’s time to target the secondary market for boybands: the gays. Thus, Gaymi is free. Here’s a collage of things gay people enjoy to celebrate his liberation:

The boys are performing The Winner Takes It All. They croon at some young girls who have no doubt been planted in the audience to subconsciously suggest to other prepubescent females “if you’re not as enthusiastic about Union J as these hired plants are, then your minge will fall off”. The boys bounce around and enthusiastically high-five the random girls. Except Gaymi. He shows casual indifference and couldn’t care less if your minge fell off.

JUDGES! Tulisa commends the boys for their vocals. They were completely... EN POINTE. Can someone just please take her aside and shoot her? Or failing that, just explain to her what en pointe means? The Barlow says that everything about the boys feels right, and mentions someone other than Poor Man’s Harry Styles and Gaymi by name, which I think is actually the first time one of The Nameless Duo’s true names have been spoken aloud on-air. He’s called Josh, apparently. Nicole congratulates Gaymi on being gay, and also mentions Josh by name. I’m not okay with all this Josh-pushing. It’s undermining the comfortable dynamic they’d established with Union J. Things are changing too quickly... Gaymi is gay now, Josh has a name and Poor Man’s Harry Styles hasn’t gotten a look in. Still, at least the other one is still being ignored.

Nicole invites us to share Jahmene’s dream! I'll pass, because I imagine Jahmene’s dreams are a dark and scary place where he keeps all his true feelings about things. There’s no awkward giggles and downward-glancing in Jahmene’s subconscious; it’s all paddles and fleshlights and nipple clamps and things that’d make 50 Shades of Grey seem like Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret. I have to mention Jahmene’s inner darkness because his VT is all about the horrible things his mother has endured and I’m hardly going to joke about that am I? Well, okay, I would. Sufficeth to say that Jahmene is just a little too attached to his mother and it’s all a little Norman Bates. His mother is awesome though. She has gigantic pigtails that look like they're from an anime. This week he’s singing  I Have A Dream. It’s boring and that’s all I have to say about it because watching Jahmene perform is never the most fascinating experience in the world but this week it’s particularly bland.

JUDGES! Louis doesn’t think Abba is Jahmene’s thing. Jahmene agrees enthusiastically and says that whips, suspenders and fuck-harnesses are more his thing. He did however, Louis tells us, sing his heart out. DRINK! Tulisa says it was stripped back. DRINK! Gary, of all people, says that it was en pointe. DRINK AGAIN. Nicole calls him her “lamb chop”. DRINK UNTIL YOUR LIVER BURSTS AND YOU DIE. At least then you’ll escape this ridiculously predictable cliché-fest.

James Arthur, the physical embodiment of Real Music Itself™ mumbles about how tough being in the bottom two last week was, and how sad he is that Ella is dead. We are reminded several times that PEOPLE HAVE TO VOTE. And if you wanted to vote for Ella, vote for James instead because now he wants to win and dedicate it in tribute to the Golden Goddess (of donkeys, mules and horses, in her mortal form as Ella the Baby Pony and Adele Clone) herself. And basically that’s it for James’s VT: vote now, vote often and vote in tribute to Ella. James performs a boring guitar-driven version of SOS with minimal staging, probably because It’s All About The Voice with James and he is so credible and genuine and VOTE FOR REAL MUSIC. It’d be kinda funny if James won actually. He’s the sort of singer who, with decent material, the self-important tastemakers at Radio 1 in the UK would cream themselves over (i.e. mong-faced and has a guitar); but he’s tainted by association with the X-Factor, nemesis of Real Music. Perhaps James is some sort of make-up-wearing messianic figure who can bridge the gap between the two worlds. Maybe he's our saviour... Maybe he's the Anti-Chris.

JUDGES! Louis tells us it would’ve been a tragedy to lose James. He made the song his own. DRINK! He’s already a recording artist. DRINK! At this point, I think I could just write the JUDGES! sections of the recaps a week in advance and arrive at a close approximation of what’s actually said. Nicole rambles incoherently about badgers and goshawks and she’s probably terribly, terribly high or drunk.

It’s Christopher Maloney. I think I can sum up why a victory for Christopher would be such a travesty with the following quotation from Terminator 2: Judgement Day, which at the time we all naively assumed was just a film but in reality was an oracular work of art, accurately predicting the forthcoming apocalypse:
“Three billion human lives ended on December 9th, 2012. The survivors of the nuclear fire called that war The X-Factor Finale. Judgement Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare – the war against Christopher. The computer which thought it could control Christopher, ITV, leaked so much negative publicity in a desperate race against time. Their mission: to destroy Christopher. Stop him winning. They called these press leaks “Terminators”. The first Terminator was programmed to strike at Christopher in the first weeks of the programme, pointing out he was a fake and didn’t have anxiety problems. It failed. The second Terminator was sent to strike at Chris in the latter stages, saying he was a diva, a troublemaker and a cunt. But they failed. They keep failing. People have already lost their lives. Ella is dead. ELLA! She was only 16. The unknown future rolls toward us. December 9th, 2012 keeps coming. Judgement Day is coming. I face it for the first time with a sense of dread, because if a Terminator can no longer change the course of the X-Factor, then maybe there is no hope. Maybe there is only horror. Maybe there is only Christopher. Performing Fernando.”

In Chris’s VT we learn that he had to leave Twitter because people were throwing death threats his way. I call these people the resistance. Also: I just checked Twitter, Christopher’s last Tweet was 4 hours ago. Two songs this week means double the pressure, which means twice the possibility that Chris will literally shit himself on television. Can you hear the drums, Fernando? There are semi-naked people cavorting around Christopher for some reason, which at least means I can manage to look at the screen and only want to gouge out one of my eyes for once. Progress! Maybe I will be able to survive in a world where Chris Maloney has won after all, provided some mostly-naked lithe dancers are nearby at all times.

JUDGES! Nicole thought it was lovely and theatrical, with very good vocals. She says she thought it was a snoozer and the audience applaud confusedly. Clearly Nicole’s madness is infectious. She acknowledges that Chris works very hard. Yes, it isn’t easy being a menace to society. Louis Walsh’s critique is so cringe-inducingly awful that Tulisa has to intervene and bring it to a halt.

It’s Rylan Time. Again. Except it isn’t, it’s Union J. Now I’m confused. They’re performing in a different order the second time around? Or is it that Rylan’s staging is going to be so glorious that it’ll have to precede the ad-break so they’ll have time to dismantle it? Regardless, Union J are up first in the Motown section of the night. There’s another VT, featuring a product placed tablet computer, so down three shots of vodka and smoke a joint if you’re playing the X-Factor Survival Game at home. If Louis Walsh compares someone to a Little Lenny Henry you’re going to have to do a line of coke, mind. For their Motown classic the boys are singing the Jackson 5’s I’ll Be There. Well I say “the boys” but it’s really more like Gaymi and his backing vocalists. A gay man with three straight male bitches. Gaymi’s dreams have really come true.

JUDGES! Gary Barlow says it was nice but not as creative as he would’ve liked. He would’ve preferred it if they performed the song while also doing a complicated trapeze routine. Or maybe if they’d concluded by rubbing jam across their arses like Take That used to do. Nicole says that Gary Barlow doesn’t understand the mind of a little girl. She also loves them because they don’t try to be something they’re not. She couldn’t have said that to Gaymi 2 weeks ago, though. Louis responds to Barlow’s criticism by barking a lot of phrases that don’t make a coherent whole. Par for the course Louis Walsh then.

Nicole Sherzinger cements her position as my favourite hot mess of 2012 by wondering aloud which camera she’s meant to be speaking into, then proceeding to talk to the wrong one, and introducing the wrong contestant. Oh Nicole, don’t ever change. It’s Rylan, by the way, and not James Arthur like Nicole announced. James Arthur is still recovering from his first performance. They’re so emotional and REAL that he needs to sit in a darkened room and contemplate life for half an hour before he can do a second song, otherwise he dies of pure emotional intensity. Nicole and Rylan watch his previous performances on a product placed computer tablet. Woppa Rylan Style! Spicegasm! Yes, Rylan has certainly given us many memorable weeks of incomprehensible madness. I blame Nicole’s influence. She’s channelling her insanity into Rylan to maintain the purity of Jahmene and James.

Rylan is performing a Supremes medley. Ah, I knew he couldn’t do two straight-up performances of complete songs in a row. Rylan murders Baby Love, Stop in the Name of Love, Keep Me Hangin’ On and countless other classics accompanied by female dancers dressed as Japanese schoolgirl Nicki Minajes and topless males. There’s nothing particularly Japanesey about the topless males, they’re just there to add some torso.

JUDGES! Louis points out that it’s week 8. DRINK! Tulisa points out that Rylan is here because people are voting for him. DRINK! Gary Barlow opens a black hole that tears all the fun out of the universe, creating the perfect place for him to live in. Nicole blames her introductory boo-boo on her “mixed-up mind". Drink?

It's time for the actual James Arthur now, who Nicole manages to introduce without setting fire to the studio. Nic and James review his performances to date on a product-placed... you get the picture. These second VTs aren’t actually VTs, they’re just subliminal Samsung adverts. James sings Let’s Get It On and it is every bit as terrifying as you would imagine. Imagine Pinhead singing The Way You Look Tonight. Imagine Freddy Krueger singing Can You Feel the Love Tonight. Imagine Norman Bates singing Angels. Oh, wait, Jahmene did it that in week 6, didn’t he? No need to imagine, then. Disregard! Imagine Hannibal Lector singing the theme tune from Barney and Friends. All are less terrifying than James Arthur asking the viewer to Get It Awwwwwwwwwwwwwn and delivering a horrendous falsetto as the violent coup de grace. I think I need to sterilise my ears after this.

JUDGES! Vocal performance of the night, according to Lulu. Tulisa sys only he could get away with singing that. Louis then proceeds to be cringey again, and is basically acting like Tulisa’s inappropriate slightly effeminate creepy Uncle who thinks he still understands cool. It was sexy, cheeky and all the blind ladies will love it! Gary can’t wait to buy James’s album. Nicole compares James to hot butter melting in our mouths, and I take a well-deserved break to vomit several times.

Everyone’s favourite creepy cherub is back, it’s Jahmene song two! During his turn shilling Samsung products, Nicole emotionally reminds Jahmene that ELLA IS GONE, which means they have to fight for their lives. Jahmene passionlessly explains that he loves Motown and he’s going to go out there and have fun with it. Passionless, dry, predictable fun. This week, Jahmene will be passionlessy, drily and blandly performing Tracks of my Tears. It is passionless, dry and bland. I’m convinced it’s dangerous putting such a boring performance on before Chris. Maloney’s performance, which is presumably going to be as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face as usual, is going to hit viewers like a machete to the forebrain following something as mind-numbingly boring as this song from Jahmene. I actually think some people may die as a result. But I guess there’s always that potential with good old Shake and Fake.

Anyway, back to Jahmene and the JUDGES! Louis says that if Motown were still signing artists today they’d sign Jahmene. He also knows that Jahmene will be in the final, because he’s read Sarah Conor’s journals, and he knows everything that happens in the run up to Judgement Day. Louis continues haranguing Tulisa throughout her critique. Luckily, she doesn’t have anything of import to say. Quel surprise. Nicole brings a donkey on-stage and proceeds to ride around on it, reciting lines from the Mad Hatter’s tea party backwards.

To close the show, and bring the entire planet closer to the precipice of destruction, it’s Christopher Maloney. Did you know that the Book of Revelation itself prophesied this performance?
“And I saw another mighty angel come down from heaven, clothed in the style of the young, for the Evil Fashion Nazis hath raided the nearest Topman for all their wardrobe needs: and a rainbow was upon his head, for the multi-coloured lighting of the X-Factor studios were a shambles, and his face was as it were the sun – incandescent orange, like someone had dipped him in a sea of the tan as false as his proclamations to the camera; his feet were all ashook, for he pretended to panic, and he set his right foot upon the stage and he proceeded to sing Dancing on the Ceiling by Lionel Ritchie, for he felt the laws of physics could not bind him, for he was not of man, he was the Antichrist, the Dragon, the Beast and the Adversary. Beelzebub, Huitzilopoctli,Lucifer, Maloney.”

JUDGES! Blood streams from their eyes and they cry out in abject terror, clawing at their faces and screaming for hallucinogens and antidepressants, anything to take the edge from the trauma they have just endured. Nicole, in her most on-the-button critique to date, says she looks at Chris and doesn’t see much soul. THAT’S BECAUSE HE’S THE DEVIL.

RESULTS SHOW!

Group Song: The Topman Winter catalogue, plus its grandfather Christopher, sing Coldplay’s Viva La Vida.

Our special guest performers tonight are Bruno Mars and Rihanna. Right, we’ve had Bruno and Princess Ri-Ri, all we need now is Michael Bublé and our guest-star checklist will be complete. Bruno Mars shows up and sings something that sounds uncannily like Sting’s Message in a Bottle. Rihanna, who is less a person these days and more a performing automaton designed by committee, performs Diamonds. which feels like it’s been out forever at this point. I’m pleasantly surprised by the performance, which is incredibly restrained for Rihanna. By restrained I mean that she isn’t parading around in her knickers trying to fuck the camera. I wouldn’t stoop to buying her album, but when she eventually releases a Greatest Hits compilation it’ll be a pretty damn good one.

Oh, and now that we’ve had our annual Rihanna appearance, it seems like the right time to make my annual Chris Brown statement: Chris Brown is a cunt who hits women and we should never forget that, even if Rihanna has.

The bottom two are Rylan and Union J, which means Chris Maloney is safe and the march towards the plains of Armageddon continues. I’m just going to assume that Chris’s nan has taken out a small loan and employed a team of immigrants to ring his number repeatedly. Rylan knows that he’s gone and doesn’t seem fussed about it. He performs Athlete’s Wires and it’s actually not terrible. He gives Gary Barlow a kiss on the cheek and resigns himself to his fate. Gaymi and Josh sing Snow Patrol’s Run while the other two shuffle uselessly around.

JUDGES! Nicole saves Rylan. Louis lauds Rylan on being A Genuinely Nice Guy™ (which to be fair, judging by how much people always seemed to like him, appears to be entirely true), but saves his own act. Gary compliments Rylan on his best vocal performance of the series and bids him farewell. Tulisa also chooses to send him home. Rylan thanks everyone for sending him home because it means he’s free to leave the X-Factor compound and abscond to a desert somewhere in South America in the hopes that he’ll survive the upcoming Chrispocalypse. Two weeks to the final people. Hold your loved ones close.

X Factor Week 6 Recap and Results

It’s time! To institute a theme which we barely adhere to because it is so vague in its requirements anyway, but we won’t let that stop us from acting like we’re taking it seriously when we mention it in our critiques when it suits us to do so! This week’s theme is the Best of British, which means the contestants get to sing any song by anyone who has ever breathed the same air as British person.

Dermot introduces the judges. He asks innuendo-prone Nicole Scherzinger to behave herself this week. Which of course leads to several innuendos. Fun-hater Gary Barlow tries to set a record for the shortest amount of time between start of show and his attempts to take all the joy out of it by having a pop at Dermot for brining up the fact Chris seems to be widely disliked YET IS STILL IN THE COMPETITION.

Speaking of the cunt-rotting toe-sucker himself, he’s actually up first. In his VT, Chris whines about the fact that some people booed him last week. Why would anyone try to upset me, he wonders obliviously. Could it be the fact that you’re a transparent faker with the most punchable face on television, you colon infidel? Chris explains that people shouldn’t boo him because ME NERVES could cause him to spray the back of his trousers with a nervous brown watery foam AT ANY TIME. With only one contestant left in the running, Gary now has plenty of time to focus on perfecting Chris, and he spends much of the VT berating him for the various crooner-y habits he exhibits every time he opens his mouth. I think I’d last about 5 minutes in Gary’s position before I’d be forced to pick up the nearest blunt instrument and bash in Chris’s face. Chris studies his performances on a product placed tablet computer. For anyone who has product placed Samsung on their X-Factor bingo card, make sure to give yourself a bonus point for the fact it took them less than 15 minutes for the show to try and subliminally sell something to us.

Once we’ve finally gotten all the shilling out of the way, it’s time for Chris to perform Elton John’s I’m Still Standing. I’ve come to the conclusion that Chris is actually the human embodiment of a Best of the 80s CD. His performances are so consistently dated that you’d almost swear that Louis Walsh was his mentor. This week they’ve spiced up his routine and reflected the more-upbeat nature of the song by filling the stage around him with women dressed like power ranger villains and convincing him to scrunch his shoulders up and down occasionally in an approximation of the concept of rhythm. I think this is one of those performances where the phrase “the song was too big for you” might be warranted. At times he’s very shouty and it looks like he’s trying to eat the microphone. He also looks completely gormless throughout. Gormless and shouty. From here on I shall describe Chris's style of singing as gormshouting.

JUDGES! Nicole calls Chris her sweetpea. Maybe that’s an insult on the planet that Nicole comes from. She likes his new confidence but ultimately thinks Chris is a karaoke king who won’t break boundaries with music. Louis repeats exactly what he said last week. Tulisa says she’s getting bored saying the same things about Chris- i.e. that he’s a smeg-licking fart pirate. Gary tries to make us all think Chris is much better than he actually is by using technical terms like syncopation. “THANK YOU FOR VOTING FOR ME” Chris gormshouts to his loving audience of grannies and the retarded.

Jahmene is up next. Last week, the judges loved Jahmene but he thought his performance was bad. This is such a shock that even the disembodied voice behind the camera that asks the contestants questions for their VT is heard to express her horror. We learn that Jahmene always focuses on the negative and doesn’t believe in himself. He's a big negative nancy who struggles with his confidence, just like Chris! Except unlike with Chris, you can easily tell that with Jahmene it’s actually true. In a bid to help Jahmene, Nicole phones her good friend Jennifer Hudson who tells him to pull himself together because he might’ve been through some hard shit but she’s been through WORSE, as demonstrated in the updated Graph of Pain below. This week, Jahmene will be performing Angels, that song from when Robbie Williams was actually of relevance to music rather than just a lunatic who shows up on TV shows and meanders aimlessly around the stage like an Alzheimer’s patient who escaped the nursing home. The performance begins a capella, but this being the X-Factor, I know they’re not going to be able to avoid dramatically over-selling the “emotion” of this performance by remaining a capella for very long. Sure enough, Jahmene is soon joined by a choir of thousands, and overwrought music to see him through to the melismatic finale. It’s the usual Jahmene mix of competence, thundering vocals and unnecessary oversinging.

JUDGES! Louis reminds us that Jahmene is ONLY 20 YERS OLD! Jahemene stole your bit, Ella! Tulisa tells him that he needs to continue self flagellating because his insecurity helps him grow as an artist or something. Nicole says that Jahmene moves her and stirs her. The audience reacts to her choice of words like a pensioner to a Carry On film. Oooh, saucy! Nicole is momentarily confused that the audience have usurped her position as chief sexualiser of innocent words.

District 3 are up next. In their VT, they realise that the last 2 weeks of comments they’ve gotten haven’t been great, which leads to a clip of last week’s “No Baby No” moment. They’re really confused too, one week they’re told that they’re not giving enough, then the next they’re told they’re giving too much. It’s not that confusing boys, you see there’s this wonderful place called the middle ground between boring and ridiculously backflippingly over the top. They’ve realised, while looking at their original performances on a product placed tablet computer (mark your bingo cards!) that they need to STRIP IT DOWN and get back to basics. I'm highlighting this week's key phrase for you. We'll be seeing it again. In a scene that is completely spontaneous and in no way scripted at all, the boys demonstrate several songs to Louis that they’ve been thinking of performing. Following a ridiculous montage of D3 and Louis “working hard” and trying out various songs, they ultimately decide on Eric Clapton’s Tears in Heaven. The performance itself is so boring that I almost nodded off. I had to Google “District 3 abs” just to keep myself awake. There’s one of the pictures I found below, which like the one from a few weeks ago again shows the blonde one looking over-enthused about the other guy’s abs. I’ve just realised how boring District 3 are: it’s 6 weeks in to the competition, Ella has about 18 nicknames at this point and Chris inspires me to depths of hate-filled swearing I didn’t even know I had in me. Yet I’m still referring to District 3’s members as “the blonde one”, “the one with the abs” and “the one with the slack-jawed expression of mild retardation”.

JUDGES! Tulisa congratulates Louis and the band on their song choice, and gives Lulu a pat on the back for STRIPPING THEM DOWN. I’m sure Louis had absolutely no problem doing that. Gary feels there’s something dated about them and suggests that in the battle of the boybands that Union J have the edge.

At this point, Dermot reminds us that inexplicably popular international superstars One Direction are appearing on tonight’s show. I should mention that Dermot’s been going on about One Direction’s appearance since the show started, never explaining at which point in the show they’ll appear. That’s right, ratings have gotten so bad we’re now holding an appearance by One Direction hostage in order to get their fans to watch as much of the show as possible. Also, I can’t help but wonder what’ll happen when Harry Styles and Poor Man’s Harry Styles occupy the same space? Will the world end? Will they have to fight to the death? Will Caroline Flack become noticeably aroused?

Adella, the last remaining girl and artist formerly known as  Epona, the Celtic Goddess of Donkeys, Mules and Horses, in her mortal form as Ella the Baby Pony and Adele Clone is the last girl you know, which appears to be the new refrain that’s replaced variations of SHE’S SIXTEEN in the show’s narrative. To reinforce Adella’s new title, here’s some Kardashians (i.e. the most useless people on the planet, who Ella is probably more famous than at this point, at least in the UK) to bleat on about it for some reason. Look, I love low-culture as much as the next person, but even I have no idea what the Kardashians are famous for. As near as I can tell from 4 minutes of cursory research, one of them has a massive arse and another was married to someone for a few weeks. They have such soulless, dead eyes, it's actually unnerving. It’s like there’s nothing at all going on inside the head of the one called “Khloe” as she lifelessly says “Girl Power” to the camera. I fear someone found that machine Disney were using years ago to pop out soulless moppets to populate things like High School Musical and appropriated it to produce useless, vacuous non-entity pseudo-celebrities. Can we not return to the era where people were famous for doing things like sticking a bottle of wine up their cooch on Big Brother, or being recorded having a ride with Shannon Doherty’s husband?

Following her meeting with the Kardashians, which was no doubt a massive inspiration and a moment that will stick with her forever as one of the most incredible things that ever happened to her, Adella returned to the studio where she decided she’d perform Written in the Stars by Tinie Tempah. Truly, I’m sure you’ll agree, the best of British. Needless to say, Ella has STRIPPED IT DOWN and turned it into a ballad. It doesn’t seem like she’s going to let go of the oversinging any time soon, alas. She’s as bad as Jahmene for adding multiple syllables to single vowels. For example, in Adella’s vocal landscape, the word “way” is now pronounced "wayheeeeeayyyyyyeeeeeeehaaaaayaaaaaayyyy-hey-hey". Stop it Ella, I used to like you. “UAAARRRRGHURRLLLLLAAAAARGHURLA URLA ULRAAAARRRRGH”, she responds.Maybe next week she'll perform a stripped down version of the noises the zombies make on Walking Dead.

JUDGES! Gary says that he’s only written one word down in his notes on Adella’s performance: “cuntbiscuit”. Well, actually it’s “wow”. Or maybe it’s “mom” upside-down. Who knows? Nicole calls her sweetpea, which she also called Chris earlier so if I was Adella I’d be terribly offended. Nicole then proceeds to give her some technical advice that the audience doesn’t know how to react to. Just in case we hadn’t copped on to it, Dermot reminds us that Ella is the last of the girls.

RYLAN NATION. Rylan is surprised to still be in competition after 6 weeks.And even more surprised to have survived the bottom two last week. The moment he knew what the theme was, he knew he wanted to do the Spice Girls. Rylan explains that he has been the “most ultimate fan of the Spice Girls since I was a 6 year old girl.” When he’d pretend to be Spice Girls with his friends, he was always Geri. This is the cue for actual Geri Haliwell to show up, of course. Rylan has a typical Rylan-reaction and enters a state of near-hysteria, while Geri Haliwell is just thrilled that in 2012 she actually still has a single fan. In fact, she’s not even being paid for this appearance. She just hangs around media buildings in London hoping to overhear someone talk about her. It took three hand shandies and a blowjob to get her past security and into this VT, but dammit, she’d do it all again if it means being on TV for 30 seconds.I shall call this performance the Demented Spice Medley. It is absolutely the most amazing thing I have ever seen on TV; a thing of more complexity than The Wire, more emotionally powerful than that episode of The Soprano’s where they killed Adriana, and more visually sumptuous than a Game of Thrones marathon. At one random point, the camera focuses on Nicole and Tulisa as they gyrate around stony-faced fun-vacuum Gary Barlow. I lose track of how many songs Rylan sings as part of this medley, but I’m sure it’s enough to mean he has now performed more songs than any contestant ever. By "sings" I do mean randomly barking lines from the choruses while topless dancers with the glitter-painted Union Jacks on their torsos dance gayfully all around him. Rylan Clark: living the dream.  

JUDGES! No surprise, Louis Walsh loved it. Tulisa says it was just like the Closing Ceremony of the Olympics all over again and it’s for performances like this that she saved Rylan last week. Gary purposely tried to manufacture a kiss of death by admitting it was entertaining (but that Rylan can’t sing). Nicole says something about spraying love all over the stage before Dermot quickly moves us along.

Union J. Louis says he saw something brilliant last week, a vision of what Union J could be: naked and slathered in baby oil and sprawled across his bed. In other news, when the boys sat down to think about what Best of British meant to them, they immediately knew (i.e. X-Factor producers told them) that they wanted to pay tribute to the Armed Forces. But it isn’t just an asinine attempt to tug on the nation’s sense of pride in its its soldiers on the weekend of Remembrance Sunday, the members of Union J actually have legitimate connections to the Armed Forces! For example, The "Funny" One’s dad used to be a solder,Poor Man’s Harry Styles’s brother is a marine, and Gaymi gets a nice solid erection whenever he sees a man in uniform. The Other One just sits there silently hoping that no one discovers he took part in anti-Iraq war protests. If you thought Rylan’s song was an indication that things were going to take a turn for the upbeat, then you were wrong, because we’ve returned to STRIPPING IT BACK. Specifically, we’re going to strip back Coldplay’s Fix You. It’s hardly a song that was adorned with many bells and whistles in the first place, so what exactly are they going to strip back? Oh, I see, the challenging vocals and the parts where anyone other than Gaymi might song. It’s basically Gaymi and 3 guys on backing vocals doing a terribly bland cover version.

JUDGES! Tulisa says Louis is on a roll with his song choices. And that Union J have found their market (girls who want to date gay guys and girls who aren't menopausal enough to attract Harry Styles) and are appealing to them. Fix You is one of Gary Barlow’s favourite songs, apparently. Nicole lauds Gaymi on his “delicacy”.

ONE DIRECTION ARE COMING UP SOON HONEST  DON’T FORGET ONE DIRECTION PLEASE KEEP WATCHING.

BEN MITCHELL. Last weekend was amazing because James sang the most boring version of Don’t Speak ever. His VT goes the Jahmene route – he just doesn’t know how to respond to compliments but quietly celebrates in private like a dignified real musician. James didn’t know what to sing for this week’s theme because obviously he listens to a lot of real, credible music like the Rolling Stones and... Stereophonics? Oh James, really?. Anyhow, James eventually decided that he would sing Adele’s Hometown Glory, a song I will forever associate with Cassie running off to New York and having a breakdown in Skins. Can you usurp Cassie, James? I think not. Anyway, the really nice thing about this song is its simplicity, so when the drum machine kicks in 2/3s of the way in and it turns into Mildly Dubstep Glory you know that they’ve completely lost track of precisely what it is that makes this song work. But who cares because James doesn't look like a typical pop-star and has panic attacks on stage so he's SO REAL IT HURTS.

JUDGES! Louis explains how the competition works for some reason. Tulisa talks about watching this show two years ago and hoping for an artist like James. This just proves she wasn’t really watching the show 2 years ago, because Matt Cardle won in 2010 and James Arthur is basically an uglier version of Matt Cardle. Judges also confirm it was the first appearance of dubstep on the X-Factor. Which is kinda like saying that James’s rap last week was the first appearance of rapcore turntablism. I’m not counting this as dubstep. It isn’t dubstep until Chris Maloney attempts a cover of Skrillex, dammit.

I am not blogging about One Direction. Sufficeth to say that having Real Harry Styles and Poor Man’s Harry Styles in the same building did not results in a massive explosion that destroyed ITV and killed all the contestants. Alas.

RESULTS SHOW!

I remember to watch this awful show 5 minutes after it starts. The contestants are halfway through Beautiful Day. IS IT, CONTESTANTS? IS IT REALLY? For a moment I think One Direction have joined them on-stage, but it’s actually just Poor Man’s Harry Styles gurning like an idiot.

LITTLE MIX. OH JESY I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.  The performance is a bit of a mess but who cares, it’s just so nice to have Pick ‘n’ Mix back in my life. Even if she’s 8/9’s of the woman she once was. I also missed Mixed Up’s evil little vole face. Can’t say as I care about seeing the other two again though. Tulisa says that her little muffins were entirely EN POINTE. It’s like she’s speaking some other language altogether. FIVE MINUTE WARNING before Ed Sheeran shows up. Forget about Harry Styles potentially threatening the stability of reality – having both Ed Sheeran and James Arthur in the same venue might cause a credibility nexus that will destroy all fakers in the vicinity. Watch out, Chris.

So Ed Sheeran comes on and it’s basically a repeat of yesterday’s One Direction performance, which isn’t a surprise given he wrote their song and all that. During his introductory video, I can’t help but notice from the clips of Sheeran’s own music videos that the only thing they all seem to have in common is that they don’t tend to focus much on Ed Sheeran. Up to and including Ron Weasley taking his place. I mean, he ain’t a looker or anything, but OH HE JUST SAID JAMES ARTHUR IS HIS FAVOURITE – Fuck you Sheeran, there’s now way I can continue defending you now. You ginger paedobadger.

Actual results time, and it’s District 3 and Union J in the bottom 2. Louis Walsh looks like he’s going to wet himself when Dermot goes to him first. He refuses to send either act home, arguing that asking a gay man to choose between two groups of lithe young men is like asking Pick ‘n’ Mix to choose between a ton of Snickers or a ton of Kit Kat. It’s just an impossible decision to make. Dermot reminds us that X FACTOR PRECEDENT dictates we now rely on majority vote from the other three. We have Cheryl Cole to thank for that one. Gary and Nicole opt to save Union J it’s curtains for District 3 even without Tulisa’s vote. SO long boys, don’t let the proper pronounciation of words in UK English hit you across the back of the heads while shouting at you for your ridiculous American singing accents on the way out.

X Factor Week 5 (Quick) Recap and Results

This image created in anticipation of a Maloney exit. Hope springs eternal, eh?

Truncated recap this week, as I have things that are much more important than the X-Factor to occupy my time for once, like watching paint dry, counting the blades of grass in a field, and listening to the collected works of Christopher Maloney until I start bleeding out my eyes. Regular service and style of blog will resume next week.

First up is the sad news that Lucy Spraggan’s lesbianism has reached the point where she is now a threat to mankind, and has been put down on the orders of the X-Factor veterinarian. Rather more surprising is the revelation that they’re not going to milk her exit for more drama by having another Amelia Lily-esque wildcard round, or bringing back an ejected contestant. Instead they’re just going to quietly go on with the show. Perhaps this is an indication of a change of pace for the X-Factor, forgoing ludicrousness and column-inch generating spectacle in favour of dignity and sombre performance. Well no, it isn’t, cos first up is Rylan.

RYLAN NATION!

Style: A parakeet covered in blood

VT Highlights: During a trip to Essex, Zingerbot gets to meet the locals, learns to speak TOWIE and loses about 20% of her brain cells in the process. Fun times in Essex concludes when Nic agrees to get a diamonte portrait of Rylan glued to her vagina. No, really.

Song: Hung Up

JUDGES! Gary says the first 10 seconds of it weren’t awful, which probably means Rylan is going home tomorrow.

Union J

Style: Topman liquidation sale

VT Highlights: Origin Story expounding on the boys’ personalities so that prepubescent girls can decide which one they want to marry. Quicker than you can say “they’re going to describe one of them as “the cheeky one”, they tell us that Poor Man’s Harry Styles is the cheeky one. For the record, JJ used to be a jockey, so marry him if you want the ride. Josh is the funny one, so marry him if you want a laugh! Poor Man’s Harry Styles is cloned from the pubic hairs of Harry Styles, so marry him if you want him to cheat on you with your mam. And Gaymi is... the sensitive one. Marry him if you want a relationship resembling Tobias and Lindsey from Arrested Development.

Song: Taylor Swift’s Love Story. Gaymi fucks it up by changing the lyrics to “Civilly Partnerfy me, Romeo”, breaking down on stage and shouting “I’m sick of living a lie!” while tears steam down his face.

JUDGES! Are uniformly positive in their assessments. Boo.

Kye Sones

Style: 20 years too young for him.

VT Highlights: Kye has an incredibly contrived and scripted conversation with his chimney sweep brother, about their lives as chimney sweeps. I feel like there’s a great plot for a video game here. Hard working chimney sweeps Kye and Kyesbrother find a secret portal up a chimney that brings them to the Fungus Kingdom where they fight the evil King Simon and win the heart of the beautiful Princess Toadstool. They enter into a modern relationship, with the brothers spending alternate nights with the princess, making jokes about cleaning out her flue.

Song: An incredibly painful performance of the New Radicals’ You Only Get What You Give, wherein Kye seems even more desperate than normal to appear younger and bouncier than he actually is. After coming off stage, he collapses onto a sofa and spends the rest of the show on a nebuliser.

JUDGES! Agree that Kye’s contrived attempts at being youthful are almost as irritating as his contrived attempts to be “alternative”.

James Arthur

Style: Sloth from The Goonies meets Ben Mitchell meets the Elephant Man in an Oxfam shop.

VT Highlights: James meets No Doubt. Gwen Stefani runs screaming from the room shouting “Kill it with fire! Kill it with fire!”. Also: James is happy that his mam and dad hate each other 20% less than they used to as a result of his being on the X-Factor.

Song: No Doubt’s Don’t Speak, as performed by a constipated man who has also swallowed several razor blades. Also: there is a rap. I am glad I don’t have the time for an extended recap, otherwise I would spend at least two paragraphs on the awful of the rap. Following the awful, awful rap: more constipated noises that sound vaguely like HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH DON’T HRRRR DON’T URRRRRRGH DO-WHOOAAAAAAA-WHOOOOA-URRRRRRRGH-N’T SPEEEEEEEA URRRRRGH bring the song to a blessed conclusion.

JUDGES! Praise James’s effortless credibility but criticise him for scaring Gwen Stefani. She’s still lost by the way. Reward offered if found before tomorrow’s results show.

Adella, the last remaining girl and artist formerly known as  Epona, the Celtic Goddess of Donkeys, Mules and Horses, in her mortal form as Ella the Baby Pony and Adele Clone.

Style: Beautiful fetlocks set up by understated bridle and glamourous yet subtle saddle.

VT Highlights: Adella goes for a masterclass with No Doubt, which consists of Gwen Stefani pretending to have watched a video of all your performances and then telling you that you’re great.

Song: Firework by Katy Perry. Less oversinging than last week leads me to conclude that we get a decent Adella performance every 2^nd week. Next week we can expect a return of Mariah Carey syndrome, as Adella overperforms every single vowel like it was a mini-opera.

JUDGES! Nicole thinks that watching Ella is like watching a movie. Glitter, perhaps. Louis calls her a little [star].

District 3

Style: Whatever was left over from the Topman liquidation sale when Union J were finished there.

VT Highlights: Origin story! Once upon a time, District 3 were just 3 normal boys, but then they were bitten by a radioactive boyband, and ever since then they’ve had the proportionate strength, speed and cunning of autotuned twentysomethings. Feared and hated by a world they have sworn to sing to, despite its protestations, they are the Uncanny District 3! Unfortunately, the radioactive boyband who bit them were also American, so everything District 3 sings sounds like one of those awful radio adverts where a person who isn’t American pretends to be because, I dunno, American voices sell more?

Song: That dynamite song where the word dynamite is pronounced as "dynomite" throughout.

JUDGES! Summed up astutely by the Zingerbot with the words “No baby, no”. Each judge pans the performance, while Louis Walsh flaps about and squawks about how they’re completely wrong and it was actually brilliant.

Jahmene Douglas

Style: Boring suit. Quelle surprise.

VT Highlights: Basically, Nicole Scherzinger got high and went to work in Asda for a day. She scanned items to see how many was in stock, berated  Jahmene for picking something with rhubarb in it, terrorised the customers on the in-store tannoy, and was generally amazing. Sorry, shamazing. Sorry, jahmazing.

Song: LISTEN. You know, that Beyoncé song where she exhorts you to LISTEN. Not that you need to listen carefully when Jahmene is singing, because even people who lost their television reception thanks to Saorview can still hear Jahmene obliterating the sound barrier. He’s toned it down this week a little, so there’s only about 17 syllables per note, rather than the usual 38.

JUDGES! All agree that Jahmene nailed it. Zingerbot looks close to experiencing her first emotion ever and says the performance was like Jahmene was lighting a torch. I don’t know what that’s meant to mean, but I feel compelled to preserve everything Nicole Scherzinger says for posterity.

Christopher Maloney

Style: KILL IT

VT Highlights: Chris decides to deal with claims that he’s a bit of a diva and that he’s a complete faker about 4 weeks after they were originally made. The X-Factor: always with its finger on the pulse of the information nation. They also have website! On the internet! You know that cool new thing you can get on your 56k modems? Wah wah wah, Chris is not a cunt. Except he totally is.

Song: All By Myself, in the style of Celine Dion.

JUDGES! Louis says that the purpose of the show is to find an international recording star, and that he can’t imagine Chris ever becoming that, unlike Alexandra Burke, Shayne Ward, Matt Cardle, Steve Brookstein, Leon Jackson and Joe McElderry.

RESULTS SHOW
Rita Ora takes off all of her clothes, while No Doubt attempt to ressurrect their careers.

My faith in mankind is dashed as Chris Maloney makes it through YET AGAIN. Seriously, I'm going to have to make a violent intervention soon. Get him off my screen or else I'm going to destroy television.

The sing-off is between Kye and Rylan. Nic and Gary save their acts, Louis saves Kye, and Tulisa decides to stay through to her urban roots by saving Rylan. This means Deadlock for the millionth time this series, and the continued irrelevance of the judges. The public have spoken and Rylan is safe. So it's back to the chimneys with Kye, while Gary Barlow, whose only remaining contestant is CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MALONEY, has an aneurism about the unfairness of it all. Will somebody please think of the music??

X Factor Week 4 Recap and Results

It’s time! To face! The fact that this show is now less relevant than The Great British Bake Off. A show about BAKING. It’s Halloween Week on the X-Factor. Fitting, given the show is a zombie itself at this point. But yet I must continue to watch, because it is the oxygen that my hate lungs need to continue producing the bile that fuels my snark-furnace. I have a very fucked up biological make-up. In previous years, the Halloween show has brought us such delights as Jedward murdering Ghostbusters and Wagner doing Bat out of Hell. Last year’s show was when Little Kandy Girl Lash, now known as Little Mix, started to come into their own, and just look at them now: a musical juggernaut the likes of which we have never seen. Who knows what’ll happen on tonight’s show. Maybe Chris Maloney will sing Backstreet’s Back while dressed as a zombie Shirley Temple? Maybe Union J will perform as fanny pads, because that’s just how badly they want to be close to you, baby. Literally none of these things could happen, but it’s nice to pretend, isn’t it? What will actually happen is that everyone will proceed to sing regular songs but with slightly more eyeliner on than normal. On with the show!

Dermot arrives to the strains of Thriller. Well done, show. Four minutes in and you’ve already hit the point of cliché. I think that’s a new record. Dermot gives out the voting numbers, because waiting until after the acts have performed might involve continuing the charade that this show is about finding a good singer. He also explains that Lucy the lesbian is too ill to take part in tonight’s show. She’s developed a very severe case of lesbianism. Doctors took a reading and discovered she had 11 Ellens per Portia on the Nell McCafferty scale. This means they’re going to have to pad out the show even more somehow, doesn’t it? Yay!

Kye is up first. Every week, when I see what act is up first, in what was formerly the death slot, I speculate that this means we’ll see the last of them. And this year, with alarming regularity, they proceed to make it through. So I’m not going to get my hopes up this week. In his VT, Kye is confused. Gary wonders what they can learn from last week’s travesty. Kye says he needs to have fun. And what better way to learn to have fun than with a little help from Robbie Williams, the court jester of British pop. Kye is going to sing one of Robbie’s own songs. Robbie gives Kye lots of useful advice, and we can literally watch him growing as an artist in front of our eyes thanks to the intervention of Mr Williams. That’s a lie. Needless to say, Kye is performing Let Me Entertain You. Which is thematically relevant to Halloween because... well, it isn’t But Kye is wearing even more eyeliner than normal (i.e. a truckful of  Maybelline has been deposited onto his face) and on the X-Factor eyeliner = Halloween. Kye is wearing his hair up so he looks kinda like one of those emos or Goths who decides to dress as a normal person for Halloween because that’s so hilarious.

JUDGES! Nicole says that it was very entertaining, with all the conviction of a parent reassuring their child that they’re still special after watching them bomb at a school talent show. Louis isn’t sure that Kye did enough to save himself this week. Gary says that Kye came back with a boom, that he came back with a bang... basically Gary just offers a selection of onomatopoeias as his critique.

Oh fuck, it’s Union J. IF YOU ARE A YOUNG LADY YOU WILL LIKE THIS BECAUSE THE X-FACTOR TOLD YOU SO. Their intro-video makes me want to stick pins into my eyes. It’s all about a MAD week in the cray-cray world of Union J. ZOMG. The purpose of this is to show they have fun personalities and that you’d want them to be your boyfriends! On Monday Gaymi has his aversion therapy! They hook electrodes to his testicles and force him to watch gay porn! Lol! On Tuesday they went to the Skyfall premiere, where Gaymi relapsed and sucked someone off in the gents! OMG! On Wednesday, Poor Man’s Harry Styles had foetal matter implanted into his face to ensure he continues to look like a poor man’s Harry Styles! Amazeballs! On Thursday, they recover from Rylan’s birthday party, where they were dressed as crazy blood-splattered doctors which was soooooo funny!!!!! These boys really don’t have single brain cell between them, do they? They’re collectively at the same level of intellect as Niall Horan. On Friday, they met Robbie Williams, or maybe it was Thursday, or Saturday... I’m not sure, it’s very hard to keep up with the insane world of Union J, and once was enough to watch that VT, thanks. This week, the boys will be singing that well-known spine-tingler, Sweet Dreams, by Beyoncé Knowles. They perform the song from atop a car. How very urban. How very MK1. Never forget. I think its a subtle anti-speeding message. The youth of today really respect the messages that Union J endorse.

JUDGES! Gary challenges them to come back with something different next week. Damn, they were just planning on doing the same song. Nicole Sherzingerbot thought it was perfection because they stand and own it and pay attention to the girls. It’s very important that they pay attention to the girls, she says, eyeballing Gaymi. Gary disagrees with Nicole’s assessment and they continue to fight over the subjective beauty of it all. Nicole ultimately wins the argument, citing Roland Barthes’ notion of the death of the author as justification for her interpretation of Union J’s performance as manifest beauty.

RYLAN NATION. Rylan waltzes around with a product placed Samsung tablet computer. He happens to walk into Gary Barlow and they have a contrived and set-up conversation in the mould of The Only Way Is Essex, or the cancerous crust on the arse of humanity, as I prefer to think of it. A show that’s more interested in selling a sponsor’s product, via an enforced narrative, featuring Gary Barlow. This VT is a case study in several of the things that are wrong with the X-Factor. It was Rylan’s birthday this week. Zingerbot showed up and performed Happy Birthday, having updated her software with a new eroticism suite. Judging by Lucy’s reaction, it seems to have worked. Rylan descends from the ceiling on a Perspex slab while singing Toxic. I should clarify that this is his performance I’m talking about, not his birthday party. Rylan alights onto the Judge’s Table and transitions into Horny. Again, I must clarify that I’m talking about the song, and not a state of being. He then moves into Poison, a song from Zingerbot’s own oeuvre.  Toxic Horny Poison? On a scale of 1 to Rylan, I give this performance five point Rylan.

JUDGES! After 4 weeks with both feet planted firmly in the 1980s, Louis takes a giant leap forward into contemporary music by correctly identifying Nicole’s song. Tulisa commends Rylan on coming out and performing “to the best of [his] ability”. The wording there is crucial. Gary confeses that he has not given an honest critique of Rylan yet. He says that it wasn’t worse than last week, it was too loud to hear him and that the dancers were good. Nicole rebuffs Gary’s remarks by standing up and gyrating while singing “Horny”. She is as mad as a bucket of cats. Rylan promises that if he makes it through to next week he’ll strip away all the artifice and prove he can sing. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, dear.

It’s time for Adella, the artist formerly known as  Epona, the Celtic Goddess of Donkeys, Mules and Horses, in her mortal form as Ella the Baby Pony and Adele Clone. I think I’m just going to find ways to make her name longer every week until she wins this competition. Given her massive mouth, I thought Halloween is the the perfect opportunity for Adella to dress up as Vagina Dentata, but nope, she’s wearing some clothes from the Janet Devlin cast-off rack. Obviously they’ve been let out just a little bit. Why am I so horrible to Adella? I mean, she’s only SIXTEEN! Sixteen, I say? Yes, sixteen! In her VT, Adella meets Robbie Williams who tries to relate to her and fails terribly, because being SIXTEEN and an immortal pony goddess with a voice like a soaring mountain isn’t really comparable to being sixteen, in Take That, and smearing jam across your buttocks in the hopes of getting noticed. For a moment it sounds like Adella is going to sing Rolling in the Deep, but it’s actually Bring Me to Life by Evanescence. Did you know that internet scientists have proved that it is literally impossible to search for anything related to television, film or video games on Youtube without finding an earnest fan-made highlight reel of emotional moments set to either Bring me to Life or My Immortal? It’s true, try it out yourself. Anyway, Evanescence came betwixt the nu-metal and emo eras so... that’s Halloween?! As part of her Devlin-ensemble, Adella is wearing a cape which she not-so-triumphantly discards during the performance. Nicole is paying some serious attention to the performance. Take a look at the screencap above. She is listening the fuck out of this song. Or maybe she’s performing a hard reset.

JUDGES! Gary doesn’t like it when people mention Adella’s age. Conveniently forgetting he mentioned it himself about 48 times last week. Nicole says it’s her least favourite performance of Adella’s, but that’s like saying that an electronic fund transfer is her least favourite way of receiving a million euros: either way it isn’t that bad. Gary and Nic have a spat about keys and epic choruses and stuff. Adella summons a pantheon of Celtic gods to let loose their fury on Nicole. The judges only mention her age once, which is disappointing for anyone playing 16 Bingo at home.

What can I say about Chris that I haven’t already said? Well, I don’t think I’ve called him a cum-farting nancy-biscuit yet, so there’s that. In no way would I advocate that anyone jump on a plane, travel to London, and stab Chris Maloney in the throat live on National Television, but I think that if that WERE to happen, it wouldn’t necessarily be a terrible thing. His VT is all about reminding us why Chris is the people’s champion and not a vile piss-shitting titty whistler. So it’s a rerun of his first audition all over again to remind us of HIS TERRIBLE NERVES AND HE COULD SHIT HIMSELF AT! ANY! POINT! I think this is the fiftieth time we’ve been made to endure Chris’s first audition again. ME NERVES are especially bad at Halloween with all the fireworks and bangers going off. The chances of a nerve-related Christopher shitplosion increase sevenfold during the run-up to Oct 31st. Between Chris and James Arthur’s panic attack last week; can they not just get a prescription for some Xanax? Gary informs Chris that his mother is a big fan. Chris says his Nan is so proud of him. So they’ve confirmed that people who like Chris tend to be over 60. Is that the target demographic for this show now?

For this week’s performance, Chris will be wearing Page 21 of the Topman winter catalogue. I think himself and Kye have been swapping fashion tips. “Does this look 20 years too young for me?” neither of them asks the other. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement of non-criticism. Chris is singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight”, which fits thematically because they said so. The staging is pirate themed. I have no idea what it’s meant to be about. I didn’t see Brian Friedman in any of the VTs tonight so I’m just going to assume all of the Halloween set-pieces were left to his understudy. Maybe Brian has eloped with Lucy. I steadfastly refuse to say anything more about Chris’s performance, because that would involve reliving it in my head. In decades to come, children will look up at their mothers with wonder and pride and think, “My mummy survived the night Chris Maloney sang I Just Died in Your Arms.”  

JUDGES! Nic thought it was a fun 80s Halloween pop opera. I don’t like you any more Nic. She wants to give him a hug for some reason. Perhaps to check if he is truly made of cheese. We do know that Nicole likes her food after all. Louis doesn’t see Chris as a recording star, which may be the most sensible thing Louis Walsh has ever said. He sees Chris as more of a panto performer. Chris lights up at this. Tulisa thought the vocals were very strong but that the songs Chris sings (80s power ballad cheeseboards) are letting him down. She lays the blame firmly at Gary Barlow. Barlow responds by telling her that her “fag ash breath” is disgusting. Tulisa’s face goes from nought to “I’ma fucking cut you, bitch” in about .5 seconds. She responds that Gary stinks of red wine. It’s all very immature and awkward in a watching a teenage daughter fight with her dad in a restaurant sort of way.

Remember to download the X-Factor app! Or don’t. I don’t give a flying fuck.

District 3’s intro video is a self-congratulatory piece of fluff about how great their performance was last week. It was the first time they’ve enjoyed themselves in the show. Every other week it was like having toenails jammed into their urethras. They’ve hit upon a fiendish plan to ensure continued success: last week, they flashed some abs and weren’t in the sing-off. This week: it’s penis time. Then they go to meet Robbie Williams, who reads something about their performances to date that he was told to read by the producers, then offers some trite advice. Robbie tells them to be a bit more natural, which I hope is a subtle way of saying “Stop with the fucking fuaxmerican accents, you are not the theme tune to The OC”. Performance time! So... the boys are singing I’ll Be Watching You, a song about stalking, while dressed as the raping, murderous droogs from A Clockwork Orange. The X-Factor: now with unfortunate rape connotations. Then they switch to NeYo’s Monster and it all becomes even more of a rampant clusterfuck.

JUDGES! Tulisa asks one of the boys for the cane he used in their performance, and proceeds to ram it up Gary BArlows’s arse. Ten minutes later, when the applause dies down, she informs the boys that she preferred Sting to NeYo. You and 7 billion others, dear. She also manages to use the phrase “en pointe” in an incorrect manner for about the fiftieth time this series. Gary Barlow tells them that their breath smells. He’s also fed up of mash-ups. For once I agree with Gary Barlow. Only Rylan, in his quest to perform more songs per episode than anyone else, should be allowed to perform mash-ups. Nicole was very confused by the staging and doesn’t get the costumes because she has never seen a film rated higher than PG, and even then her parents always protected her from traumatic endings, Phoebe Buffay style.

Nicole looks shocked to when Dermot prompts her to introduce Jahmene. I never know what to expect from Nicole. At least with Louis, it’s always going to be a variation on:

• Everyone in [insert location] needs to vote for you
• You’re like a little [wildly inappropriate comparison]
• I think you’ve got the X-Factor
• Pun based on song title
• You sang your heart out

With Tulisa, I know it’s going to be something about urban roots, having red wine breath or being en pointe.

And with Gary I know its going to be some turgid mediocrity. But with Nicole, I have no idea if she’s going to forget her act’s name, compare them to a foodstuff, or thrust wildly in their direction while implying they have testicles made of titanium. Long may it continue. 

Anyway, Jahmene! In response to last week’s tears, Jahmene admits that everyone needs to feel emotions sometimes. He’s delighted to serve as an inspiration to people who have been filling out Asda application forms in their droves in order to become the next Jahmene. Last week, he received a special invitation from Samuel L Jackson to perform at some charity fundraiser that goes unnamed. Great way to draw attention to whatever cause Sammy was helping out, X-Factor producers! I have little else to say about the VT, because actually being invited to perform for Samuel L Jackson is legitimately cool. Jahmene performs Killing Me Softly. He needs to learn how to tone it done. There’s serious oversinging going on. It’s like listening to Mariah Carey being raped by a swan. Jahmene is accompanied on the giant screen by slow motion images of Tulisa and Dappy from N Dubz happy slapping Gary Barlow to death. It’s glorious. NB: I may be drunk while writing this.

JUDGES! Tulisa says that she’s going to start calling Jahmene the Man Who Can’t be Moved. Let’s add “I am going to start calling you X” to the list of Tulisa clichés. Last week she threatened to start calling Rylan her Babybel. Two minutes before coming up with Jahmene’s new monicker she was referring to him as her “Muffin”. Nicole, never one to be outdone when it comes to wordplay, calls the performance “Jahmazing”. Next week: Nicole suggests various other variations on the word amazing. Dermot asks Jahmene what SLJ was like. “He’s tall and humble” confirms Jahmene. It’s easy to be humble when you’re Nick Fury, godammit.

Jade Ellis is up next and I am delighted to report that this week sees the return of Jade’s adorable daughter! Unfortunately, she spends most of the VT quietly playing with some toys but has a great moment at the start where she squees with delight. VOTE FOR JADE’S DAUGHTER TO WIN. Dressed as a robot set into a spiderweb borg alcove, Jade is performing Freak Like Me. I CALLED THIS LAST WEEK. It’s rather limp and lifeless, unfortunately. She’s going to squander the extra votes the tiny adorable miniature human bought her.

JUDGES! None of them really liked it. Tulisa argues that there’s a ‘feme every week, and the acts get to try new things each week in order to jive with the ‘feme. Ah Tulisa, your first mistake was thinking anyone gave a shit about the theme. Your second mistake was telling Jade it was okay to give a performance with as much verve as a stone.

Last up is James Arthur, the secret lovechild of Ben Mitchell and Matt Cardle by way of the Elephant Man’s womb. Last week James gave a haunting performance of Sexy and I Know It. After the judges acted like Jesus himself had just graced them with an acoustic cover of a song about being the centre of attention, Ben retired backstage to have a chat with Emeli Sandé. This officially marks Emeli Sandé’s three thousandth appearance on television this month alone. Someone should turn it into a competition. Where is Emeli Sandé going to show up this week? If you guess at least 30 places correctly then you get to go a Labrinth gig and perform with him. Which funnily enough is exactly what James did last week. Looking at the images on-screen, I’m very disappointed that there were that many people in the same room as James Arthur and not one of them thought to form an angry mob and chase him away with pitchforks. “That crowd was just stupid”, James declares. He really knows how to endear himself to an audience. Following his performance with Labrinth, James is now officially the most credible X-Factor contestant ever. He’s so credible, he makes Matt Cardle look like Aqua. He’s so credible, that when he leaves this show, he’ll do an interview with a newspaper wherein he blasts it for being so fake. He’s so credible, he should just quit the show and go out on his own. Please? Anyway, before all that happens, we have to make it through this weeks performance. For Halloween, James has raided the Kyeliner. He’s performing Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics. Oh Annie Lennox, you did nothing to deserve this. A computerised wire mesh version of James Arthur’s face spins around on the screen in the background. I don’t know what it’s meant to signify, but it’d easily make the most terrifying screensaver ever. The amont of makeup he’s wearing is even more ridiculous than normal.

JUDGES! Louis Walsh makes some random noises. Tulisa says that James is current and relevant. She would know, she’s been in N’Dubz. Nicole proclaims that he is “The Difference”, which sounds more like a name one of the groups on this show should have. She says that he’s an international recording artists. No he isn’t love, that’s why he’s on the show. Gary Barlow is too inebriated from his obvious red wine problem to proffer an opinion.

RESULTS SHOW!

Tulisa has a nicorette on tonight, which I presume is some “cheeky” response to Gary’s comments about fag ash breath. Oh Tulisa, that’s so urban and edgy of you. Don’t ever change. There’s a group performance but I don’t care about this since they stopped autotuning them, then the first special guest of the night: fun. I must admit it is somewhat amusing hearing Voiceover Man enthusiastically boom “FUN” following their introductory VT. They sing that song they do and I note that the lead singer has a massive mouth of Ella Hendseronian proportions.

The second guest is Robbie Williams, in his annual appearance on this show. I was busy slamming my head into a wall repeatedly while shouting “Why do I still watch this show?” and missed most of Robbie’s performance. I am obviously devastated. Union J and Jade end up in the sing-off, which means there are enough people out there voting for Chris to have prevented him ending up in the bottom two for 5 weeks now. Whoever you are: I will find you and gut you.

Union J perform first, mauling Pink’s [Censored] Perfect. If the Judge’s decide to send the boys home, I think Gaymi should triumphantly punch the air and skip off stage while shouting “I’M FREEEEEEEEE!”

Jade sings Dido’s White Flag and is superior to Union J in every single way. So naturally enough, she ends up going home when Nicole and Gary choose to save Union J instead.

Nicole, my love affair with you is almost at an end. I want my bizarre food analogies back next week, and when given the opportunity to send either boyband home, YOU WILL COMPLY. 

X-Factor 2012: Week Three Recap and Results

It’s time! To smash the meaning of the term “club classic” into irrelevant meaninglessness!

This week’s Dermot dance involves a stand-in busting a move with some impressive back flips and stuff before the real Dermot takes his place for the cameras. Careful Dermot, first they replace you for the dance-in, the next thing you know the hosting duties are being carried out by a robot programmed with an extensive number of hosting-clichés like “Five minute warning!”, “Phone lines are now open!” and “Louis, I need the name of the act you are sending home. LOUIS I NEED THE NAME NOW. LOUIS!”. 

The Judges enter. Dermot asks what they think of this week’s theme, Club Classics. Louis Walsh says the modern club and the disco are basically the same thing. Oh, Louis. 

Me Nerves and his nerves are up first. I hope this means Chris’s days are numbered. An uninspired performance, plus the fact that he’s up first, plus all the recent negative publicity, plus the fact that he’s a cunt should mean bye bye Chris soon. Hopefully. The biggest revelation in Chris’s VT is that he’s 34, which is about 12 years younger than what I was expecting. Presumably the frequent sunbeds and fake tans have destroyed his skin’s elasticity. Chris will be performing Waiting for a Star to Fall, which is a pity because I had hoped he was going to take a shot at Born Slippy. There’s nothing I can say about Chris that I haven’t already said, so I’ll just boil it down to: Chris is a complete and utter pancreas, please don’t vote for him, his orangey-face hurts my eyes.

JUDGES! Nicole calls it a toasty cheese sandwich. One act in and already with the food analogies, Nic? I’ve come to the conclusion that Nicole is constantly puffing on joints in between the adverts, as it’s the only way she can survive being on this show. The constant references to food are just a by-product of her severe case of the munchies. Either that or she’s being sponsored by Tesco. “That performance was like a Tesco Finest Cheese Puff Pastry” she says, holding up her clubcard. Tulisa brilliantly says that while Rylan is cheesy, he’s an acceptable sort of cheese, whereas Chris is just too pungent for her. She explains that the difference is Rylan's a babybel whereas Chris is basically churning his own stilton. Gary Barlow reminds Liverpool to vote if they want to keep Chris far away in London where he can't do any damage.

Mortal Kombat 1 are up next. I wonder in how many different ways they’re going to keep it real this week. In their VT, Sonya Blade explains the massive dilemma that they find themselves in: if they go too underground, then people won’t get it but if they go too overground, then they’ll lose the hardcore credibility they have as respected purveyors of the grim n’gritty sound of the disenchanted masses. I don’t think you have to worry too much about that, dear. Whatever credibility you had as a human being was lost the second you legitimately tried to use the word “overground”. Anyway, MK1 obviously decided to go with underground because I have no idea what their song is. But that’s okay, because they only perform it for about 20 seconds before launching into Tinie Tempah’s Pass Out. STREET. A mash-up/underground/overground hybrid. That’s so daring. That’s so... MK1. It’s so dripping with credibility that it causes Chris Maloney to collapse into a vat of cream cheese.

JUDGES! Tinie’s rap is TOO BIG for Jax from MK1, says Tulisa. That’s exactly what I was thinking. Gary Barlow... agrees with Tulisa? What? Is he just pretending he understood a word she said? Nicole sets her bong down for a moment to say the performance was “shamazing”. Dermot turns to Jax and asks for his response to the Judges’ critiques. “TINIE TEMPAH’S PASS OUT IS SUCH AN AMAZING CLASSIC CHOON AND WE WANT TO PAY HOMAGE TO IT”. Please note that Pass Out, by the 23 year old performer of MK1s homage, was released in 2010. Such an amazing classic.

Also, while I was doing my research (yes I do research for these things), I wiki'd some Tinie Tempah stuff. One of the pages contained the image to the right, which I present only because of the brilliant and completely pointless caption it had on wiki: "Tine Tempah points to the sky in the video". You have to admire the straightforward descriptive genius of that. 

It’s Jahemene next. He’s had a very emotional week, says Nicole. This makes it different from any other week where he screeches emotion at the top of his lungs how? Well, this week, the newspapers/X-Factor producers printed some personal stuff about Jahmene’s dad. To wit: his dad is absolute cunt. And when his dad was being a cunt, Jahmene would take refuge in music. Whitney was his sancturary. And then she died too which just made his life even worse. Wearing an amazingly ridiculous outfit, and in the most pointless scene whatsoever in the intro video, Nicole asks him has he had a tough week. He confirms he has. But here’s the bright side! Because of all this personal trouble, it makes this the perfect week for him to sing this song. What, is he doing Chris Brown or something? No, it actually turns out to be Say A Little Prayer. And Jahmene is back to completely oversinging, which I thought he’d put a rein on last week, but evidently not. Just because you can melisma doesn't mean you should, kids. Say not to unnecessary melisma. It’s Jahmene by numbers. Safe, capable and boring.

JUDGES! Louis thinks he’s like a little Ray Charles. Tulisa thinks he’s amazing. “BALLS!” says Nicole Sherzinger, returning to a recurring theme. “MORE BALLS! DROP THEM ON MY FACE AND LET ME SNIFF DEEPLY!”

Tulisa introduces Jade, who is going to challenge Jahmene in the tough week stakes. I wonder what happened. Perhaps TWO elevators broke down around her. Maybe BOTH her parents were cunts? Well no, she actually had a hurty throat and had to rest her voice. Take THAT, Jahmene! The best part of the VT is a mute Jade’s whiteboard-based conversation with Brian Friedman. Because Friedman is wearing a cape. Yes, a cape. It is as amazing as it sounds. Jade’s actual performance is fine. It really isn’t obvious at all that her throat is hurty, so I’m calling conspiracy. Jade, if you want us to love you, you really need to work your adorable daughter into your VTs again. 

JUDGES! Nicole randomly sings and says lots of stuff about vocals that sounds technical but which she’s probably just making up. 

Over to the boys and Ben Mitchell. I was very worried last week. I’d read all about Ben’s panic attack following Saturday’s live show, but when Sunday’s results show came around, there was no mention of it. I really thought that perhaps the X Factor producers had lost their touch. Surely they wouldn’t let an opportunity to publicise a traumatising experience pass them by like that? Well, I needn’t have worried, because the intro video is all about James’s horrible panic attack. Gary concernedly tells of how he is always encouraging singers to DIG DEEPER into their emotional well of pain, but with James, he doesn’t need to dig any more. STOP DIGGING JAMES! If James digs too far, he’s going to discover an ancient seal that locks away emotions darker than anything humanity can comprehend, and bring about an unequalled age of misery and horror. Funnily enough, that’s also what’ll happen if Chris Maloney wins this year’s show. 

To avoid destroying his fragile emotional stability, James will be singing LMFAO’s Sexy and I Know It. It is odd, but it’s... okay? I guess? I don’t know, I’d had a lot to drink when I watched it the first time and I haven’t been able to rewatch it since in case James shatters my emotional barriers with his deep understanding of the human condition and reduces me to a shivering wreck. 

JUDGES! Nicole calls it a revelation. Then again, she is high and there were lots of bright lights so what she comprehended and what I comprehended are two vastly different things. Gary calls it the performance of the series. Louis lauds him on his unique version of the “LMFO” song. Louis’s words, not mine. Proving yet again how current and up to date he is with the state of the industry. 

It’s Union J. Union J love girls, and they are definitely all straight. Do you know what Union J’s video is all about? It’s all about how much they love girls. They love them so much that you could bury them under a mountain of clunge and they would literally fuck their way out of it. They would put their penises into vaginas because that is what they all want to do because they all love girls. All of them. Especially the one who isn’t gay. Girls! At the end of their VT they make heart symbols with their hands and look earnestly into the camera while the words “Non Threatening Boyfriends” flash subliminally on-screen at a spectrum only visible to girls aged 12-18. They’re performing When Love Takes Over, by the dearly departed Kelly Rowland. This excites me beyond reason. Unfortunately, because it’s Union J and not Kelly Rowland herself, it is a pile of shit. But they are performing atop the X-Factor plinths, which is nice. Everyone loves a bit of plinth action. 

JUDGES! Nicole would’ve liked to have seen more energy. She means that for real. She wants to get so high that she can see energy waves. Maybe if you tried some hallucinogens, Nic? Gary thinks we’re witnessing “the birth of a new boyband”. That sounds messy. I’m imagining boybands are born to some horrific brood queen like the one in Dragon Age or the Aliens films. 

RYLAN NATION. Rylan’s VT is about his beard. His literal beard, not a woman covering up his sexuality. Rylan’s silly and superfluous so he’s allowed to be gay. Not like the poor child in Union J. Rylan’s beard is shorn, and that’s it. Next week: Rylan cuts his toenails. FABULOUSLY. Tonight, Rylan will be reinterpreting J.Lo’s On The Floor, and as his version doesn’t feature Pitbull in any capacity, it is immediately superior to the original. The performance isn’t quite the spectacle of last week, and is in fact a bit boring, but then again it’s hard to top sex pandas, Anna Wntour and Karl Lagerfield. Maybe he’s saving something special for next week's Halloween show. Zombie sex pandas, perhaps?

JUDGES! Gary Barlow loved it and calls it the best thing ever. He offers to give Rylan his 6 Ivor Novello Awards, because he just cannot compete with the depth of Rylan’s talent. Rylan graciously refuses the gesture, as he wishes to make it on his own and is confident that he’ll pick up several of his own gongs throughout the 2013 awards seasons.

It’s our third tough week story of the night! Where will this lie on the barometer between Hurty Throat and Violent Dad? *drum roll* Lucy got drunk0rz with Rylan and they both got kicked out of the hotel where the contestants are staying. But it’s okay, because Tulisa endorses their drunken bad behaviour. Also: Lucy is only 21. Between Lucy, Chris and Kye, I think this is the year of the prematurely aged contestants. Lucy performs an acoustic version of David Guetta and Sia’s Titanium, with verses she’s rewritten herself. She does a better job at working around the weaknesses in her voice than she has previously, but she remains rather limited in what she can do in comparison to some of the others. Like Jahmene. And Rylan. 

JUDGES! Gary calls her rewrites clever, Louis says she’s a brilliant storyteller, and Nicole has wandered off somewhere to make some toast.

It’s alternative chimney sweep Kye Sones! The VT is all about how Kye was shit last week. We watch as Gary candidly forces Kye to watch a replay of his performance on a product placed computer, counting all of the flat notes. There were 32 of them. Kye promises us that this week he’s going to sing for his life, and I don’t have much difficulty believing it because the staging for his performance looks like some kind of post-apocalyptic sacrificial altar. He’s singing Save the World, a song that is much less entertaining when you have to endure it without the video featuring the superhero dogs. When the camera gets close to Kye he looks right into it, probably as a way of connecting with the audience but in reality, it’s quite sinister and makes me think he caused the post-apocalyptic landscape the performance is set in by purposely setting off dirty bombs he dotted in chimneys all around the UK just because he hated humanity that much. 

JUDGES! Gary gaves it a standing ovation. He’s your own act, Gary. Sit down, you tool. Nicole loved it and compares him to Chris Martin. Kye is delighted because statements like that validate his internal image of himself.  

Louis introduces District 3 by naming each one of them in turn, to prove how much effort he puts into getting to know his acts. Don’t worry Louis, we never doubted for a second that you’re anything but thorough when it comes to working with young men. District 3’s intro vdeo is stupid and boring, so let’s skip straight to the performance. What did the boys learn from being in the bottom two last week? Well, they have hopefully learned that those random American accents they sing with need to go, because that whole affectation they do is noticeably reduced (though still evident) in their performance of Beggin’. They also learned the importance of performing in front of a giant screen with the name of your group rotating around and around and around. Vital in a competition with two virtually indistinguishable boybands. And finally, when in a boyband, it always helps to lift your shirt every once in a while to let the girls/gays inspect the goods.

JUDGES! Tulisa liked it. Gary calls them the revelation of the night. Louis tells us that they work their assess off. Insert your own joke. 

Up next is Epona, the Celtic Goddess of Donkeys, Mules and Horses, in her mortal form as Ella the Baby Pony and Adele Clone. Damn, that’s a long name. Maybe I should just call her Adella. The challenge for Epona this week was to show that she can be upbeat. The intro-vid is about Adella generally being very happy to rehearse something that involves moving around, which is a nice break from the usual narrative they push in the VT for someone who usually sings ballads, whereby we’re meant to be think it’ll be a huge challenge for them and that they’ll be completely out of their depth if required to do anything more complex than lifting their left leg. She’s singing You’ve Got the Love. Her dancing amounts to little more than some shoulder movements and gesticulations. Albeit gesticulations that are well timed to match the backing dancers. The bloody VT made it sound like she’d be running around the stage juggling and performing backflips with oily palms. I feel let down. No oats for you tonight, Ella.

JUDGES! Gary thinks the “dancing” cheapened the performance. Nicole disagrees and points out that as a former member of a dance troupe who occasionally sang, she knows what she’s talking about. Tulisa mimics Kelly Rowland’s “Who knew you could do uptempo” collection of seal noises from last year and it may be my highlight of tonight’s show. I think I’m going to take a count of how many times the judges mention Ella’s age from now on. So, in tonight’s episode, they inform us that she’s 16 on ten separate occasions. I may have missed one or two, because there’s actually a point in the evaluation where Louis and Tulisa are basically saynihg nothing other than “She’s 16!” back and forth to one another. 

RESULTS SHOW

The results show doesn't get its own post this week, because I can't be arsed. MK1 went home after a sing off with Kye. Apocalypse averted. We had special guest performances from Labrinth and Emeli Sande (surprisingly good) and JLS (utter wank). Nicole shot up live on television, and Union J came out en masse by making out with one another on-stage. Louis Walsh broke down and claimed to have been abused by Jimmy Saville, the patron saint of paedophilia.

Next week is the Halloween Special, so the judges will select songs for their acts based on whether or not Thriller is already taken, and if it is, well there's always Freak Like Me. Failing that: any song ever written in English should do. Think of how much extra eyeliner Kye will get to wear!