Dermot introduces the judges. He asks innuendo-prone Nicole
Scherzinger to behave herself this week. Which of course leads to several
innuendos. Fun-hater Gary Barlow tries to set a record for the shortest amount
of time between start of show and his attempts to take all the joy out of it
by having a pop at Dermot for brining up the fact Chris seems to be widely
disliked YET IS STILL IN THE COMPETITION.
Speaking of the cunt-rotting toe-sucker himself, he’s
actually up first. In his VT, Chris whines about the fact that some people
booed him last week. Why would anyone try to upset me, he wonders obliviously. Could
it be the fact that you’re a transparent faker with the most punchable face on
television, you colon infidel? Chris explains that people shouldn’t boo him
because ME NERVES could cause him to spray the back of his trousers with a
nervous brown watery foam AT ANY TIME. With only one
contestant left in the running, Gary now has plenty of time to focus on
perfecting Chris, and he spends much of the VT berating him for the various
crooner-y habits he exhibits every time he opens his mouth. I think I’d last
about 5 minutes in Gary’s position before I’d be forced to pick up the nearest
blunt instrument and bash in Chris’s face. Chris studies his performances on a
product placed tablet computer. For anyone who has product placed Samsung on
their X-Factor bingo card, make sure to give yourself a bonus point for the
fact it took them less than 15 minutes for the show to try and subliminally
sell something to us.
Once we’ve finally gotten all the shilling out of the way,
it’s time for Chris to perform Elton John’s I’m Still Standing. I’ve
come to the conclusion that Chris is actually the human embodiment of a Best of
the 80s CD. His performances are so consistently dated that you’d almost swear
that Louis Walsh was his mentor. This week they’ve spiced up his routine
and reflected the more-upbeat nature of the song by filling the stage around
him with women dressed like power ranger villains and convincing him to scrunch
his shoulders up and down occasionally in an approximation of the concept of rhythm. I think this is one of those performances where the phrase “the song was too
big for you” might be warranted. At times he’s very shouty and it looks like he’s
trying to eat the microphone. He also looks completely gormless throughout.
Gormless and shouty. From here on I shall describe Chris's style of singing as gormshouting.
JUDGES! Nicole calls Chris her sweetpea. Maybe that’s an
insult on the planet that Nicole comes from. She likes his new confidence but
ultimately thinks Chris is a karaoke king who won’t break boundaries with music.
Louis repeats exactly what he said last week. Tulisa says she’s getting bored
saying the same things about Chris- i.e. that he’s a smeg-licking fart pirate. Gary
tries to make us all think Chris is much better than he actually is by using
technical terms like syncopation. “THANK YOU FOR VOTING FOR ME” Chris
gormshouts to his loving audience of grannies and the retarded.
Jahmene is up next. Last week, the judges loved Jahmene but
he thought his performance was bad. This is such a shock that even the
disembodied voice behind the camera that asks the contestants questions for
their VT is heard to express her horror. We learn that Jahmene always focuses
on the negative and doesn’t believe in himself. He's a big negative nancy who struggles with his confidence,
just like Chris! Except unlike with Chris, you can easily tell that with
Jahmene it’s actually true. In a bid to help Jahmene, Nicole phones her good
friend Jennifer Hudson who tells him to pull himself together because he
might’ve been through some hard shit but she’s been through WORSE, as demonstrated in the updated Graph of Pain below. This
week, Jahmene will be performing Angels, that song from when Robbie Williams
was actually of relevance to music rather than just a lunatic who shows up on
TV shows and meanders aimlessly around the stage like an Alzheimer’s patient
who escaped the nursing home. The performance begins a capella, but this being
the X-Factor, I know they’re not going to be able to avoid dramatically
over-selling the “emotion” of this performance by remaining a capella for very
long. Sure enough, Jahmene is soon joined by a choir of thousands, and overwrought music
to see him through to the melismatic finale. It’s the usual Jahmene mix of competence,
thundering vocals and unnecessary oversinging.
JUDGES! Louis reminds us that Jahmene is ONLY 20 YERS OLD!
Jahemene stole your bit, Ella! Tulisa tells him that he needs to continue self
flagellating because his insecurity helps him grow as an artist or something.
Nicole says that Jahmene moves her and stirs her. The audience reacts to her
choice of words like a pensioner to a Carry On film. Oooh, saucy! Nicole is
momentarily confused that the audience have usurped her position as chief
sexualiser of innocent words.
District 3 are up next. In their VT, they realise that
the last 2 weeks of comments they’ve gotten haven’t been great, which leads to
a clip of last week’s “No Baby No” moment. They’re really confused too, one
week they’re told that they’re not giving enough, then the next they’re told
they’re giving too much. It’s not that confusing boys, you see there’s this
wonderful place called the middle ground between boring and ridiculously backflippingly over the top. They’ve
realised, while looking at their original performances on a product placed
tablet computer (mark your bingo cards!) that they need to STRIP IT DOWN and get back to basics. I'm highlighting this week's key phrase for you. We'll be seeing it again. In a scene that is completely spontaneous and in no
way scripted at all, the boys demonstrate several songs to Louis that they’ve been
thinking of performing. Following a ridiculous montage of D3 and Louis “working
hard” and trying out various songs, they ultimately decide on Eric Clapton’s
Tears in Heaven. The performance itself is so boring that I almost nodded
off. I had to Google “District 3 abs” just to keep myself awake. There’s one of the
pictures I found below, which like the one from a few weeks ago again shows the blonde one looking over-enthused about the
other guy’s abs. I’ve just realised how boring District 3 are: it’s 6 weeks in
to the competition, Ella has about 18 nicknames at this point and Chris
inspires me to depths of hate-filled swearing I didn’t even know I had in me. Yet I’m still
referring to District 3’s members as “the blonde one”, “the one with the abs”
and “the one with the slack-jawed expression of mild retardation”.
JUDGES! Tulisa congratulates Louis and the band on their
song choice, and gives Lulu a pat on the back for STRIPPING THEM DOWN. I’m sure
Louis had absolutely no problem doing that. Gary feels there’s something dated
about them and suggests that in the battle of the boybands that Union J have
the edge.
At this point, Dermot reminds us that inexplicably popular international
superstars One Direction are appearing on tonight’s show. I should mention that
Dermot’s been going on about One Direction’s appearance since the show started,
never explaining at which point in the show they’ll appear. That’s right,
ratings have gotten so bad we’re now holding an appearance by One Direction
hostage in order to get their fans to watch as much of the show as possible. Also,
I can’t help but wonder what’ll happen when Harry Styles and Poor Man’s Harry
Styles occupy the same space? Will the world end? Will they have to fight to
the death? Will Caroline Flack become noticeably aroused?
Adella, the last remaining girl and artist formerly known as
Epona, the Celtic Goddess of Donkeys, Mules and Horses, in her mortal
form as Ella the Baby Pony and Adele Clone is the last girl you know, which
appears to be the new refrain that’s replaced variations of SHE’S SIXTEEN in
the show’s narrative. To reinforce Adella’s new title, here’s some Kardashians
(i.e. the most useless people on the planet, who Ella is probably more famous
than at this point, at least in the UK) to bleat on about it for some reason.
Look, I love low-culture as much as the next person, but even I have no idea
what the Kardashians are famous for. As near as I can tell from 4 minutes of
cursory research, one of them has a massive arse and another was married to
someone for a few weeks. They have such soulless, dead eyes, it's actually unnerving. It’s like there’s
nothing at all going on inside the head of the one called “Khloe” as she lifelessly
says “Girl Power” to the camera. I fear someone found that machine Disney were
using years ago to pop out soulless moppets to populate things like High School
Musical and appropriated it to produce useless, vacuous non-entity pseudo-celebrities.
Can we not return to the era where people were famous for doing things like
sticking a bottle of wine up their cooch on Big Brother, or being recorded
having a ride with Shannon Doherty’s husband?
Following her meeting with the Kardashians, which was no
doubt a massive inspiration and a moment that will stick with her forever as
one of the most incredible things that ever happened to her, Adella returned to
the studio where she decided she’d perform Written in the Stars by Tinie
Tempah. Truly, I’m sure you’ll agree, the best of British. Needless to say, Ella
has STRIPPED IT DOWN and turned it into a ballad. It doesn’t seem like she’s
going to let go of the oversinging any time soon, alas. She’s as bad as Jahmene
for adding multiple syllables to single vowels. For example, in Adella’s vocal landscape,
the word “way” is now pronounced "wayheeeeeayyyyyyeeeeeeehaaaaayaaaaaayyyy-hey-hey". Stop
it Ella, I used to like you. “UAAARRRRGHURRLLLLLAAAAARGHURLA URLA ULRAAAARRRRGH”,
she responds.Maybe next week she'll perform a stripped down version of the noises
the zombies make on Walking Dead.
JUDGES! Gary says that he’s only written one word down in
his notes on Adella’s performance: “cuntbiscuit”. Well, actually it’s “wow”. Or
maybe it’s “mom” upside-down. Who knows? Nicole calls her sweetpea, which she
also called Chris earlier so if I was Adella I’d be terribly offended. Nicole
then proceeds to give her some technical advice that the audience doesn’t know
how to react to. Just in case we hadn’t copped on to it, Dermot reminds us that Ella is
the last of the girls.
RYLAN NATION. Rylan is surprised to still be in competition
after 6 weeks.And even more surprised to have survived the bottom two last
week. The moment he knew what the theme was, he knew he wanted to do the Spice
Girls. Rylan explains that he has been the “most ultimate fan of the Spice
Girls since I was a 6 year old girl.” When he’d pretend to be Spice Girls with
his friends, he was always Geri. This is the cue for actual Geri Haliwell to
show up, of course. Rylan has a typical Rylan-reaction and enters a state of
near-hysteria, while Geri Haliwell is
just thrilled that in 2012 she actually still has a single fan. In fact, she’s
not even being paid for this appearance. She just hangs around media buildings
in London hoping to overhear someone talk about her. It took three hand shandies
and a blowjob to get her past security and into this VT, but dammit, she’d do
it all again if it means being on TV for 30 seconds.I shall call this
performance the Demented Spice Medley. It is absolutely the most amazing thing
I have ever seen on TV; a thing of more complexity than The Wire, more
emotionally powerful than that episode of The Soprano’s where they killed
Adriana, and more visually sumptuous than a Game of Thrones marathon. At one
random point, the camera focuses on Nicole and Tulisa as they gyrate around stony-faced
fun-vacuum Gary Barlow. I lose track of how many songs Rylan sings as part of
this medley, but I’m sure it’s enough to mean he has now performed more songs
than any contestant ever. By "sings" I do mean randomly barking lines
from the choruses while topless dancers with the glitter-painted Union Jacks on their
torsos dance gayfully all around him. Rylan Clark: living the dream.
JUDGES! No surprise, Louis Walsh loved it. Tulisa says it
was just like the Closing Ceremony of the Olympics all over again and it’s for
performances like this that she saved Rylan last week. Gary purposely tried to
manufacture a kiss of death by admitting it was entertaining (but that Rylan
can’t sing). Nicole says something about spraying love all over the stage before Dermot quickly moves us along.
Union J. Louis says he saw something brilliant last week, a
vision of what Union J could be: naked and slathered in baby oil and sprawled across his bed. In other news, when the boys sat down to think about what Best
of British meant to them, they immediately knew (i.e. X-Factor producers told
them) that they wanted to pay tribute to the Armed Forces. But it isn’t just an
asinine attempt to tug on the nation’s sense of pride in its its soldiers on
the weekend of Remembrance Sunday, the members of Union J actually have
legitimate connections to the Armed Forces! For example, The "Funny" One’s dad
used to be a solder,Poor Man’s Harry Styles’s brother is a marine, and Gaymi gets
a nice solid erection whenever he sees a man in uniform. The Other One just
sits there silently hoping that no one discovers he took part in anti-Iraq war
protests. If you thought Rylan’s song was an indication that things were going
to take a turn for the upbeat, then you were wrong, because we’ve returned to
STRIPPING IT BACK. Specifically, we’re going to strip back Coldplay’s Fix You.
It’s hardly a song that was adorned with many bells and whistles in the first
place, so what exactly are they going to strip back? Oh, I see, the challenging
vocals and the parts where anyone other than Gaymi might song. It’s basically
Gaymi and 3 guys on backing vocals doing a terribly bland cover version.
JUDGES! Tulisa says Louis is on a roll with his song
choices. And that Union J have found their market (girls who want to date gay
guys and girls who aren't menopausal enough to attract Harry Styles) and are appealing to them. Fix You is one of Gary Barlow’s favourite
songs, apparently. Nicole lauds Gaymi on his “delicacy”.
ONE DIRECTION ARE COMING UP SOON HONEST DON’T FORGET ONE
DIRECTION PLEASE KEEP WATCHING.
BEN MITCHELL. Last weekend was amazing because James sang the
most boring version of Don’t Speak ever. His VT goes the Jahmene route – he
just doesn’t know how to respond to compliments but quietly celebrates in
private like a dignified real musician. James didn’t know what to sing for this
week’s theme because obviously he listens to a lot of real, credible music like
the Rolling Stones and... Stereophonics? Oh James, really?. Anyhow, James
eventually decided that he would sing Adele’s Hometown Glory, a song I will
forever associate with Cassie running off to New York and having a breakdown in
Skins. Can you usurp Cassie, James? I think not. Anyway, the really nice thing
about this song is its simplicity, so when the drum machine kicks in 2/3s of
the way in and it turns into Mildly Dubstep Glory you know that they’ve
completely lost track of precisely what it is that makes this song work. But who cares because James doesn't look like a typical pop-star and has panic attacks on stage so he's SO REAL IT HURTS.
JUDGES! Louis explains how the competition works for some
reason. Tulisa talks about watching this show two years ago and hoping for an artist
like James. This just proves she wasn’t really watching the show 2 years ago,
because Matt Cardle won in 2010 and James Arthur is basically an uglier version
of Matt Cardle. Judges also confirm it was the first appearance of dubstep on
the X-Factor. Which is kinda like saying that James’s rap last week was the
first appearance of rapcore turntablism. I’m not counting this as dubstep. It
isn’t dubstep until Chris Maloney attempts a cover of Skrillex, dammit.
I am not blogging about One Direction. Sufficeth to say that
having Real Harry Styles and Poor Man’s Harry Styles in the same building did
not results in a massive explosion that destroyed ITV and killed all the
contestants. Alas.
RESULTS SHOW!
I remember to watch this awful show 5 minutes after it
starts. The contestants are halfway through Beautiful Day. IS IT, CONTESTANTS?
IS IT REALLY? For a moment I think One Direction have joined them on-stage, but
it’s actually just Poor Man’s Harry Styles gurning like an idiot.
LITTLE MIX. OH JESY I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH. The performance is a bit of a mess but who
cares, it’s just so nice to have Pick ‘n’ Mix back in my life. Even if she’s
8/9’s of the woman she once was. I also missed Mixed Up’s evil little vole
face. Can’t say as I care about seeing the other two again though. Tulisa says
that her little muffins were entirely EN POINTE. It’s like she’s speaking some
other language altogether. FIVE MINUTE WARNING before Ed Sheeran shows up.
Forget about Harry Styles potentially threatening the stability of reality –
having both Ed Sheeran and James Arthur in the same venue might cause a
credibility nexus that will destroy all fakers in the vicinity. Watch out,
Chris.
So Ed Sheeran comes on and it’s basically a repeat of
yesterday’s One Direction performance, which isn’t a surprise given he wrote
their song and all that. During his introductory video, I can’t help but notice
from the clips of Sheeran’s own music videos that the only thing they all seem
to have in common is that they don’t tend to focus much on Ed Sheeran. Up to
and including Ron Weasley taking his place. I mean, he ain’t a looker or
anything, but OH HE JUST SAID JAMES ARTHUR IS HIS FAVOURITE – Fuck you Sheeran,
there’s now way I can continue defending you now. You ginger paedobadger.
Actual results time, and it’s District 3 and Union J in the
bottom 2. Louis Walsh looks like he’s going to wet himself when Dermot goes to
him first. He refuses to send either act home, arguing that asking a gay man to
choose between two groups of lithe young men is like asking Pick ‘n’ Mix to
choose between a ton of Snickers or a ton of Kit Kat. It’s just an impossible
decision to make. Dermot reminds us that X FACTOR PRECEDENT dictates we now
rely on majority vote from the other three. We have Cheryl Cole to thank for
that one. Gary and Nicole opt to save Union J it’s curtains for District 3 even
without Tulisa’s vote. SO long boys, don’t let the proper pronounciation of
words in UK English hit you across the back of the heads while shouting at you
for your ridiculous American singing accents on the way out.
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