X-Factor: The Final - Part One

And so, after interminable auditions, the farce of Judges’ Houses and 10 long weeks of producers’ attempts at manipulating public opinion to favour chosen contestants to absolutely no avail, Excitable Voiceover Man dramatically informs us that for one last time, IT’S TIME TO (DE)FACE THE MUSIC!!!!! Well, second-last. Given that this is the first of a two-day, four hour extravaganza of musical mayhem. Heaven help our eardrums.

Our finale opens with all 16 finalists singing What a Feeling and to be honest, the less said about it the better. I was secretly hoping that it would end with Gamu descending from the ceiling wearing fuzzy angel wings to belt out the chorus. As it is, we get our 12 rejects lip-synching while the 4 remaining contestants sing live. Well, 3 of them sing. Cher Lloyd raps with her usual modern, relevant, contemporary aplomb.

Our first performance is from Matt, whose intro video is an INCREDIBLY LONG EPIC TALE of his journey home to see friends and family. We’re meant to find Matt’s reunion with Mammy Matt all emotional, because the producers think we have the attention span of a gnat and can’t remember that in last week’s intro video they told/showed us Mammy Matt looking after him while he had his hurty throat. But I digress. Matt and his father share an emotional moment in the only way heterosexual men can: by punching one another in the shoulders and trying to pretend they’re not sobbing. Extremely long VT over, Matt launches into Dido’s Here with Me. Insane Friedman Staging Alert: Matt is accompanied by a bunch of violinists wearing white veils. I think the performance is intended as a pseudo-sequel to the Wagner’s marriage performances: the women in white are mourning Lady Wagner after she took her own life following her rejection by the Brazilian sex-pest. The song is decent enough, though Matt has performed better before. JUDGES! Louis tells Matt that he deserves to be in the final. Cheryl says she always knew Matt was going to be in the final because the god Apollo gifted her with the power of foresight. Simon, the one who said last week that he was sick of contestants using sickness to get sympathy, informs us that Matt is still somewhat sick but sounded great despite it. Dermot takes us live to Matt’s hometown of Essex, where technical difficulties mean we can hear Stacey Solomon but not see her. Knowing Stacey, those technical difficulties probably mean she was facing the wrong way.

Next up is Rebeccabot. Rebecca’s emotional AND EPIC journey home is somewhat difficult to follow, as the storm of Liverpudlian accents featured in it means that it mostly comes across as a lot of high-pitched squealing audible only to other Liverpudlians and dolphins. Rebecca returns home to visit her inventor, famed scientist Dr. Ivo Robotnik, who urges the voting public to support Rebecca and email him the last known location of Sonic the Hedgehog. Highlight of the clip: Rebecca sitting with her children, her son seemingly fascinated by the lustrous blonde locks of a Barbie. He’s going to be an X-Factor fan when he’s older. Rebecca is singing Corinne Bailey Raye’s Like a Star from atop the often seen Podium of Performance that they like to have the contestants stand on sometimes for no particularly good reason. Halfway through some dancers grab the Podium of Performance and start rotating it. This causes the audience to burst out with slight applause, presumably because they’re amazed at the spectacle of Rebecca actually moving, even if it’s only because other people are actually moving her. JUDGES! Louis loves Rebecca and wants her to win and tells her she deserves to be in the final, because she’s lovely (which she is, but he leaves out the part about her being SO BLAND); Dannii says much the same and Simon says it was magical watching an automaton displaying emotions just like a human, and that he hopes someday the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio visits her and turns her into a real girl. Dermot sends us via video link to Liverpool, where Celebrity Wife of Wayne Rooney is joined by a homosexual friend of Rebeccabots, who desperately cranes his neck to ensure he stays on camera at all times.

Bieber Squad! The producers sent the whelps on a whirlwind tour of their various homesteads, except Niall, because the snow provided an easy excuse to not send the Irish Bieber home. I refuse to believe they would’ve paid to fly all five Biebers to Mullingar just for a few hours, so it’s a good thing Simon was able to activate Rebecca’s Weather Control Module to ensure the freezing weather led to flight cancellations. Nothing remarkable happens during Inferior Bieber’s visit to his old school. There’s an odd moment where Curly Headed Bieber’s very young mother tells him he’ll always be her baby and I swear it totally looks like they’re about to make out. We’re saved from the incest by Muslim Bieber’s footage from his hometown of Bradford, where the fuckwits did a signing at a HMV, attended by a girl with what appears to be “Niall’s No.1 Fan” scrawled across her face. Somehow I don’t think she has much competition for that title. Finally, they travelled to Wolverhampton to do a gig in Superior Bieber’s hometown. The Biebers are singing Elton John’s Your Song, which makes this the second week in a row that an X-Factor contestant has performed a song from an embraced-by-the-public mawkish/sentimental John Lewis ad. They’re covering Ellie Goulding’s cover version, and just like when you do a Xerox of a Xerox of a Xerox, something has been lost in the constant dilution. The moppets get a lot of fake snow falling from the ceiling for their staging, which makes Inferior Bieber’s decision to wear his hood up quite sensible, particularly when the camera shows us Superior Bieber shaking his hair like a wet dog to get all the fauxsnow out of it. When I say wet dog I mean wet puppy. With big adorable puppy eyes. With VOTE FOR US PLEEEEEEASE tattooed across its corneas. JUDGES! Louis says he hopes they’re in the final tomorrow night. Cheryl has THOROUGHLY ENJOYED their performance, and Simon says something typically desperate and egotistical . Dermot takes us live to Doncaster where Some Wan From Coronation Street is presenting the hometown broadcast. At this point I and every other viewer has completely lost interest in any hometown broadcast that does not involve Stacey Solomon screaming madly into her microphone.

And finally, we have official wave of the future Cher Lloyd. I find myself completely zoning out during Cher’s EPIC JOURNEY VIDEO, probably because my mind didn’t want me to see the recap of her horrendous cover of Girlfriend. Even if it was only 3 seconds of a replay, that’s still 3 seconds too many. Cher’s first stop was her old primary school, presumably because she’d been expelled from her secondary for gouging out a teacher’s eyes. A banner in the school hall says PLEASE SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL GIRL – CHER LLOYD. Presumably this is aimed at the teachers and parents present because I don’t think the children in the hall are even able to understand the word SUPPORT, much less operate a telephone keypad that doesn’t make animal noises when you hit a number. In the car on the way to her home, Cher says to Cheryl “Please hold me now and don’t let go”. I imagine she’s been waiting ten weeks to make that request. Random footage of three policewomen, all of whom have probably arrested Cher for various petty offences in the past, telling us that Cher has the X Factor. And a concealed knife. Back to the studio and Cher is performing a mash-up of... something called The Clapping Song, and the much more recognisable Get Ur Freak On. After 7 years we FINALLY get a bit of Missy Elliot on X-Factor. The world is a better place for this. Cher’s performance is the usual confident strutting but the vocal is a bit messy. I’m starting to doubt that she’s really the wave of the future. We’d best get to the judges’ comments so Simon and Cheryl can reassure me. “Hey you’re in the final! Who would have thought it?” says Louis. Making Cher the only of the four contestants that Louis does not tell us “deserves to be in the final” ad nauseum. Dannii says a whole lot of vagueness. Simon tells us that Cher “smashed it”, that she’s a fearless brat with a heart of gold and she’s the most original and energetic performer on the show. Ah, there’s the hyperbole I so desperately needed. Dermot sends us to a hometown broadcast featuring Scott Mills and I just don’t care.

Celebrity Duet Time! How will they ever top last year, when they brought on serial cannabis fiend and casual sex fan George Michael to sing with baby gay Joe McElderry? First up is Matt Cardle and Rihanna with a cover of Unfaithful, which has been somewhat smartly reworked from a song about a woman lamenting the pain she’s causing her partner by having an affair into a song about a man and a woman having an affair with one another lamenting the pain they’re causing their respective partners. Amazing. Speaking of amazing, and not facetiously, Rihanna is looking absolutely smoking. Almost smokingly-hot enough for me to forget that Matt and his tonsillitis/flu ravaged voice were making an absolute pig’s ear of the song to start with. But Rihanna and her very much on display ten-foot long legs arrive and absolutely steal the show. The performance picks up and gets a bit naughty towards the end and I bet Rihanna totally dropped the hand. Rihanna and her suddenly very Barbadosy voice tell Dermot that she loves Matt’s work. What, his painting and decorating?

Celebrity Duet Number 2 is the terrifying prospect of Christina Aguilera and Rebecca Ferguson. Christina Aguilera is a woman whose screeching can sometimes sound like the ruckus one would hear if a canary was being fucked by a pig. Rebecca Ferguson is a robot with a sound chip that produces soft, slightly-husky, low-key MP3 files. They are not the most obvious pairing to make. Cheryl Cole tells us that the song they’re going to be singing “is an absolutely beautiful song” which is a way of telling us through clever wordplay that the girls are going to be singing Beautiful. Christina appears on stage looking quite... healthy. Fulsome. Buxom. “HUUUUUUUUARGH!” says Xtina, as she somehow manages to make singing the word “On” last for 8 seconds. “AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORGHURRRRRGH” she continues, caterwauling over Rebeccabot’s attempts to join in. Dermot asks Rebecca how it felt to perform with Christina. Rebecca says something in that inimitable Liverpudlian style and Christina has no idea WHAT was said so she just chuckles.

Celebrity Duet Number 3 is One Direction featuring young Robert Williams, in his 18^th appearance on the X-Factor this year alone. There’s a moment in the intro-video where Simon Cowell is seen petting a dog menacingly, like any number of classic villains, and I think it may just be the campest Simon Cowell moment in television history, which is really saying a lot. One Dimension and Robbie are performing She’s the One, which is one of those generally well-liked pop songs that I’ve never actually liked. Hilarious moment at the outset where Liam fucks up his notes and then Harry effortlessly gets the exact same one 5 seconds later. The boys with an average age of 17 sing earnestly into the camera about long term love. Robbie Williams comes on stage, joins in and greatly disappoints me by not doing anything in any way attention-whoreish or annoying. This is not the Robbie Williams we’re used to seeing from between our fingers as we cringe at the television. He only pulls about 8 weird faces rather than the usual 16. Oh wait, he grabs Niall and spins him around at the end. That's better. I guess it’s an okay performance overall, but no one can defeat Rihanna, her legs and her song about infidelity.

Celebrity Duet Number 4 is Cher Lloyd and will.i.am. Sigh. Did we not suffer enough by having the Black Eyed Peas on last week? Is it too much to ask that Cheryl Cole pick her celebrity friends from bands that aren’t objectively the absolute worst thing to happen to music ever? At least there’s no Fergie. We take the little victories we can. Cher starts off singing Where Is The Love? which is probably among the least awful songs in the BEP’s catalogue of horrors but when William appears (not dressed as a Power Ranger this week, which is another improvement) we switch into I’ve Got a Feeling which is from the Oh Sweet Jesus When Will The Hurting Stop? chapter of their discography. Cher is very grateful and seems genuinely happy to have performed with Stupidname, probably because he’s one of Ms. Cole’s best friends and all Cher wants to do is have Cheryl’s babies or failing that, to break into her house, roll around in her duvet and steal a few strands of hair from her hairbrush. Or shower drain. W.i.l.l.i.a.m. departs to make more terrible music after encouraging us to vote for Cher. Can we PLEASE get Kanye West next year instead? To duet with everyone? And then evaluate them?

Now we have to sit through two special guest performances as the price for having Princess Rih-Rih and Skanky Aguilera appear, and also to give ITV an extra 20 minutes or so to make several million pounds on phone votes. First up is Rihanna, with What’s My Name?, which I demand should be renamed Oh Nana. For those unaware, this is a tragic song about two old ladies with Alzheimer’s, each believing the other to be called Nana, repeatedly asking the other “Oh Nana. What’s my name?” Halfway through Rihanna has her backing dancers remove her dressing gown and proceeds to spend the rest of the performance inviting us to get to know her as intimately as her gynaecologist does. And also violates several of the regulations relating to decency in broadcasting. Quite what this spectacle has to do with those two old women in a care home is beyond me, but I’m sure there are many layers of meaning going on that I’m not quite getting.

Dermot informs us that the voting has frozen and we’ll be having our first ejection soon, but not before a performance from Skaguilera, promoting her new movie Burlesque, described by some reviewers as Showgirls for a new generation. A prospect that terrifies and intrigues in equal measure. Christina and her stripperfied backing dancers are putting on a whorehouse themed performance that probably breaches the few remaining broadcasting decency regulations that were left untouched by Rihanna’s performance. There is a lot of ass and crotch. There isn’t as much Christinawauling as one usually gets in her songs, meaning that you can understand about 60% of the lyrics.

Results of the voting as of the Vote Freeze! That’s not quite as catchy as RESULTS TIME, is it? The first act safe and through to the Completely Final Final, We Promise, is Rebeccabot. Such is her excitement that every mobile phone in the studio starts to pick up Rebecca’s thoughts. Thankfully for the security of the complicated files stored in her hard drive, her thoughts are also Liverpudlian, so anyone listening in will be unable to understand. Cheryl Cole looks confused, having completely forgotten she has an act other than Cher Lloyd left in the competition. Next act through to the final is Bieber Squad. Cowell looks absolutely delighted. Matt and Cher remain. Cher looks rather resigned. Sure enough, Matt proceeds to Part 2 of the Never Ending Final. To everyone’s shock, Cher fails to suffer a complete meltdown. The editing team have decided to conclude Cher’s “best bits” VT with a shot of her and will.i.am singing “Tonight’s gonna be a good, good night” which seems like rubbing salt in the wound if you ask me. Dermot speaks for us all when he says how great it is to see Cher not crying, having a tantrum, a fake panic attack or throwing addidas trainers at Dannii Minogue.

CLIFFHANGER ENDING! What will happen in part two? Will One Direction defeat common sense and good taste to claim victory? Will Rebecabot be hacked by terrorists and forced to kill Cheryl Cole? That wouldn’t be so bad, actually. Will Stacey Solomon find her cameraman? Will Matt’s hat make its triumphant return? Who will emerge as champion of X Factor 2010? Well, it’s Matt as we all know, but I promise I’ll try and make it a slightly enjoyable retread of widely known fact.

The X-Factor: Week Nine

IT’S TIME. TO DISGRACE. THE MUSIC! Oh Exuberant Voiceover Man, what will I do without you? Tonight on the X-Factor semi-final, our theme is Club Classics, a choice which has absolutely nothing to do with helping out Cher and One Direction, who in case you had forgotten, are contemporary, relevant and the wave of the future. If you had forgotten then don’t worry, Simon and Cheryl are going to remind you a million times.

In her intro video, Rebecca tells us that she feels that she’s really grown as an android over the last 9 weeks. She’s mastered and customised her sound projection utilities to the point that she’s now confident to begin tweaking her newly installed Upbeat Vocal Programming with Actual Club Classic Show Me Love. To everyone’s shock, Rebecca has not had the song slowed down into a mid-tempo ballad that she can sway and shimmy along to with bored ease - nope, she actually performs the song as it was intended to be performed. And, even more shockingly, Rebeccabot has decided to engage her Mobility Suite at the same time as her Upbeat Vocal Programming. That’s right, Rebecca is actually MOVING. The new operating system they’ve installed is working wonders. Rebecca can now multitask. Presumably she’s also learnt how to copy and paste and play Flash video. Cheryl Cole spends the entire routine smiling vacantly and clapping along like a well trained seal. Judges! Louis Walsh thinks Rebecca showed us love and emotion. That’s because the song is called Show Me Love. And Love is an emotion. Insightful, that Mr Walsh.

Mary Tesco. We’re going to play a game. We’re going to count how many times Louis Walsh tells us that Mary is going to sing her heart. Mary is singing Never Can Say Goodbye. She commences the performance from a chair shaped like an oyster, like Venus’s party animal mother. Then two dancers grab her under both arms and unceremoniously/hilariously haul her up out of the chair, like Venus’s party animal mother who’s had a few too many whiskies and needs a hand getting to her taxi. It’s hardly Mary’s finest hour – upbeat numbers have never been her strength which is probably something they calculated when they decided to have the semi-final be Club Classics. And just like the last time she did an upbeat number, our retinas get burned by the image of Mary shimmying her hips scandalously. TWICE. The end is also terribly out of sync with the backing track. Judges! Dannii lauds the return of Mary’s mojo, which up until last week was being held hostage by Wagner. Cheryl says something vapid, and Cowell and Louis have a bitch-fight about the necessity of mentioning that Mary had flu and couldn’t rehearse all week. Singing her heart out out count: Louis mentions that Mary vomited up her aorta on two occasions, bringing the series total to 48.

On to the last remaining Y chromosome on the show (One Direction don’t count – they have no genitals on account of being from the Disney clone factory) – Matt Cardle. Matt also had flu this week. Hmm... two contestants AND Simon Cowell struck down by flu? Are they sure it’s flu and not a rare strain of Ebola introduced into the air conditioning system by Katie Waissell as her last act of vengeance? Blah blah blah feel sorry for Matt he couldn’t rehearse. In a drastic change to the norm, Matt is singing a song originally performed by a female –Candi Staton’s You’ve Got The Love. He does an alright job, despite the sheen of sweat slicked across his forehead and a general vibe of “Oh fuck, I’m about to collapse”. He can’t be too sick though, because at no point does he ever come close to puking up his heart, so I guess Mary wins the battle of the viruses. Judges! Simon has another hop off the performers for whinging about having flu. We can rest easy in the knowledge then that if one-fifth of One Direction had the sniffles Simon wouldn’t use it to try and generate a few sympathy votes from the public, then.

Next up, Cher Lloyd. Cher deadpans her way through her VT as usual as she tries to tell us if she comes off as cocky/arrogant/obnoxious/insipid, it’s just because she’s a confident performer, and off-stage she’s a soft fluffy bunny with huge anime eyes that quiver tearfully at the slightest hint of rejection. Cher’s club classic is BoB’s Nothin’ On You. I think “Club classic” is pushing it for a song that was released in March, but I guess it’s impossible to stop Cher picking such recent hits given how unrelentingly contemporary and current and relevant she is. The performance follows the well established Cher Lloyd formula – Cher stands on stage and sings, then does the rap bit as a horde of dancers dash frantically about the stage trying to distract us from the ugly faces she's pulling, then we return to the singing for the “glorious” finale. We only deviate from this formula when Cher decides to do a ballad to show us she actually has emotions and didn’t sell them to a pikey for a new crack pipe and a few cans of Dutch Gold. Judges! Louis says that Cher has really come a long way. From what? Songs with a rap in the middle to... songs with a rap in the middle? Cowell looks directly into the camera and tells us that Cher represents every teenager in Britain who has a dream in these dark recessionary times, and that if she makes it into the finals she will become a shining beacon of hope for humanity to really round and find a way forward into a utopia of peace, prosperity and increased revenue for SyCo and its subsidiary companies. He also says it’ll be a “travesty” if she doesn’t make it into the finals. Like the Holocaust.

The Five Muppeteers. Went to see the premiere of the new Narnia movie where they met Joe McElderry, who advised them to never admit that one of them is gay if they want to maximise the interest from young record buying tweens, as he has discovered to his low-selling disappointment. Simon couldn’t mentor the boys this week as he had flu. Superior Bieber holds up a Get Well Soon card that a production assistant made and handed to him five minutes before they filmed their video, in order to show how cheeky and fun they are. Cheryl mentored the boys in Simon’s stead. So I guess they all have the clap now. Bieber Squad are channelling the ghost of Paije, as they perform a song with altered lyrics to make it clear THEY ARE NOT GAYS – Rihanna’s Only Girl In The World. A song so current and relevant that it makes Chery Lloyd’s song choice seem like something from the showband era. This particular "club classic" was released two months ago. “I’m gonna make you feel, like you’re the only girl in the world. Like you’re the only girl that I’ll ever love” they sing, in a move that causes 150,000 14 year olds to collapse and another 300,000 to immediately pick up their phones and start dialling. In an unprecedented move, the choreography allows Muslim Bieber to take up a place in the centre of the fivesome where normally only Superior Bieber and Curly Headed Bieber are allowed to stand. I guess they’re being nice to him since his grandfather died this week as Katie’s campaign of vengeance claimed its first life. Judges! Dannii and Louis give us variations on delivering the words “next big boyband” while Cole says that the song was perhaps “too current” which leads to the most amazingly hypocritical moment of the entire series, as the Dark Lord of the Sith himself accuses her of “being tactical”. Bwahahahahahaha. This from the man who had Big Band week scrapped for the first time in the history of the show because it wouldn’t lend itself easily to One Direction or Cher.

Matt Cardle’s second performance! Is “She’s Always A Woman” and it’s fucking boring. And terrible. It’s easy to see what they were going for – cover one of the soppiest songs to (re)enter the collective consciousness this year as a result of its use in a high profile advertising campaign, the sort of song Matt could drone through easily any other day of the week, and watch the votes, love letters and wet knickers arrive in an avalanche. Unfortunately, Matt’s hurty throat scuppers the performance somewhat. But hell, even if it hadn’t it’s still a bloody boring song so it’s hard to know which of the two is more to blame for the general awfulness of it. Judges! Louis says that Matt has never had a bad performance. WHAT ABOUT THE ONE HE JUST DID, LOUIS, YOU MUPPET? Cheryl says she can see the illness on Matt’s face. She’s terribly perceptive like that, what with her uncanny ability to see the cold sweat creeping down his forehead.

It’s Two-For-One time at Tesco, with Mary’s second performance. Mary tells us in her intro video that the semi final is about five people fighting like mad. Five people? Is that confirmation that all of One Dimension are just clones of Justin Bieber made to look slightly different through clever lighting tricks and hair products? For those playing X Factor cliché bingo, Dannii drops that old classic “One Hundred Million Per Cent” when talking about how much passion Mary has to give in her performance to get a place in the finale. Dannii won’t be impressed by simple tricks like expelling your heart out of your mouth through the medium of song, oh no. The only thing that’s going to do it for Ms Minogue is watching someone redefine the laws of mathematics. Mary is singing Misty Water Coloured Memorieeeeees and is in bits after about 10 seconds into the performance. She struggles on and gives an average but competent rendition. Unspectacular but at the same time one has to give it to her for delivering a genuinely emotionally resonant performance. Also, I realise I just said “one has to give it to her” and apologise if that creates any unpleasant images of getting it on with Mary. Judges! Dannii says it was beautiful and that she shouldn’t be crying. Mary explains she used to sing it for her mother all the time but hasn’t for 15 years since her mother was killed by death. Dannii blinks and wishes the botox hadn’t robbed her of the ability to cry. Cheryl and Simon give reserved praise and Louis urges women of a certain age to vote for Mary because she’s every woman. Singing her heart out count at the end of the judging: 76.

Cher Lloyd! Cheryl reminds us that this is our last chance to get Cher into the final. But don’t worry, because if you forget to vote they’ll just change the rules to keep her in anyway. Cher tells us that she’s never been given a song like this that has made her feel every single emotion under the sun. Even ennui. Cheryl explains that the song we’re about to hear was originally by two artists (let’s guess... one of them rapped and the other sang, right?) but Cher will make it her own. By rapping and singing. Cher explains that the song is her cry to the nation “Please. Let me make it.” Dannii describes the song choice as “dangerous” and the entire intro video creates a sense of apocalyptic dread – as though if Cher fails to pull this one off then her soul will actually explode and destroy the entire genre of pop-rap. Cher is singing a sort of mash-up of Love the Way You Lie Parts the First and Second. Basically some of Ri-Ri’s singy bits from Part 2 and whatever non-sweary Eminem parts they could cull from either song. It is horrendous, right from the off. Her voice waivers all over the place for the singing and the arrangement for the music is atrocious. She’s completely emotionally disconnected from the lyrics, which isn’t what you want from a song that’s about a mutually destructive abusive relationship. Sort of like the one Cher has with the X-Factor. It’s terribly overwrought and over-cooked – like Cher is trying to batter us with the lyrics to prove that she gets them when it’s patently obvious that she doesn’t have a clue. Gouts of flame erupt from the stage as Cher screeches to the finale. Judges! Louis loves everything about Cher! Dannii would have preferred to see Cher sing a ballad. Simon says that Cher is fantastic and that she hasn’t sold out. Let me repeat that: Simon Cowell, who believes integrity is just a word you can potentially get a lot of points for in Scrabble, just tried to assure us that someone was genuine. Cher responds to Dannii’s (fairly inoffensive) criticism by saying she just wants to bring a new twist to British music and do something different. By being completely repetitive and doing the same thing every week?

Rebecca Ferguson! Good lord, I can actually feel the lassitude seeping into my bones just from watching her intro video. She seems like a lovely girl but she’s just so fucking boring. I mean, I’ve had to invent a persona where she’s a fucking robot from the future just to keep myself awake recapping her performances for chrissakes. Anyway, Rebecca-bot is singing Amazing Grace, because she has only recently learned that many humans follow various belief systems called religions and thinks it would be interesting to explore that area of the race through the medium of song. As this is the X Factor, it is of course impossible for a song like this to be performed without 42 people swaying behind Rebecca, pretending to be a choir. It’s a very pretty vocal performance and suits Rebecca’s voice, unlike a lot of the songs she’s done before, but remains pretty boring. I mean, it’s hardly the wave of the future like Pikey Lloyd or One Dimension, is it? Louis says Rebecca is his favourite contestant ever. I can imagine Louis Walsh waking up in the morning, picking a box of Weetabix out of the cupboard and squawking “YOU’RE MY FAVOURITE HIGH FIBRE BREAKFAST CEREAL EVER!” returning to the cupboard, spotting a box of Bran Flakes and feeling terribly guilty for a moment, before shouting “AND YOU’RE MY FAVOURITE HIGH FIBRE BREAKFAST CEREAL THAT COMES IN A BLUE BOX!” and smiling stupidly to himself. And then falling over. Simon applauds Rebecca for not having a game-plan and being sincere, two qualities he cannot understand but does admire.

Bieber Squad are up last. They explain they’re feeling vewy vewy sad because Muslim’s grandfather was killed by Katie. It’s particularly upsetting because after being together for 9 weeks, they’ve started to feel like they’re brothers. That’s because you’re all fucking cloned from the same source, you dumbasses. Hey, remember when Big Gay Paije’s grandmother died and they never mentioned it in his intro-video or sought to use it to leverage sympathy votes? Wasn’t that nice and dignified? Yeah, I thought so too. Ah! It’s Chasing Cars! I’m surprised it took this long for someone to cover it, but it was as inevitable as the annual charity single. Irish Bieber’s had a makeover this week, and his horrible two-toned hair has been more uniformly bleached so he looks like less of a retard than usual. Yes, I do actually find myself more interested in Fuckwits United’s hair than in anything they could possibly perform. Unless it was Telephone. That’d be worth watching. So yeah, it’s Chasing Cars. There are lots of puppy dog eyes and there’s a key change and swaying and it’s all very saccharine and I need to take a few units of insulin afterwards. Judges! Louis knows all their names! Dannii thinks they’ve never had such a good band on the show! Poor JLS. Cheryl’s lipstick is the same deep red as her World AIDS Day ribbon! Simon talks about how hard working they are and what a good work ethic they exhibit and how even when he knows their jaws are getting tired they just keep on sucking anyway until he’s finally close. And he’s really proud of them for that.

RESULTS SHOW

I’m never sure how to react when we have three musical guests on the results show. On the one hand, it saves us having to watch the horrific group songs. On the other hand, the group songs can be fucking hilarious. Oh well, no group song tonight as we march on to our first act with something to promote; former X-Factor champion and forever in Leona Lewis’s shadow: Alexandra Burke. Alex is promoting The Silence, an insipid little ballad and roughly the twelfth single to be released from her debut album Overcome, now available as a special deluxe edition featuring new songs and a scratch-and-sniff poster of Alex that smells like that deodourant she advertises. The singing is good, the performance weird (violin players dangling upside-down from the ceiling while Alex is lifted into the air on a harness to wail the ending notes) and Alexandra herself as pleasant as ever. Like a version of Leona Lewis with a personality.

Our second act is the cast of Glee. This is going to be very confusing for British viewers, where the second season hasn’t even started yet. Who is the blonde guy with the porn star lips? Where’s Kurt? (Answer: Off being a martyr for clichéd storylines to give gay characters, probably) And even more bizarrely, why are they insisting on having the actor playing Artie perform in his wheelchair when we all know that he can fucking walk? There’s a hilarious moment where Mercedes (I can’t be arsed finding out their real names) bellows DON’T STOP BELIEVING right into Simon Cowell’s face, and given his penchant for darker ladies who can belt out glory notes, I’m pretty sure he probably got an erection there. And came. Twice. Clean up on aisle number 4, Mary.

Finally and most abominably of all, we have the Black Eyed Peas with their latest absolute musical abortion. It’s impossible to recap what they did, because the performance itself actually resulted in the complete destruction of the concept of music itself, throughout the universe. It’s difficult to fathom how this band keep managing to plumb lower and lower depths, considering their discography includes such disasters as Let’s Get Retarded, Don’t Phunk With My Heart, My Fucking Humps and Boom Boom Pow, but each and every time, just when you think they’ve hit absolute rock bottom... oh look, here’s a lower place. The horror concludes with Cheryl Cole’s celebrity friend will.i.am announcing that his favourite acts are Rebeccabot and Cher. And the sky is blue.

With the marketing over and done with we can finally get on to the actual results. The first act through to the final is... One Direction. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Fuck you, voting public. Next act through is Rebeccabot. Rebecca searches for happiness.exe and smiles. And Matt is through, too. Which leaves Mary and Cher... in the sing-off? Huh? But it’s the semi-final. The semi-final never involves a sing-off. It’s always down to the public vote alone at this point in the competition (and in some years, even the week BEFORE the semi-final) This can only mean one thing: Cher was bottom of the public vote. Speaking of, Ms. Lloyd has already started falling to pieces before she’s even done her song for survival. By falling to pieces I do of course mean that she’s started scrunching her face up and looking like she’s about to shit herself as she tries in vain to squeeze out a drop of fluid from her eyes. Mary just looks resigned. Mary is a smart woman.

Before we reach the most obvious foregone conclusion in the history of foregone conclusions, we have to sit through Mary doing It’s A Man’s World, which you might remember she performed in the very first show all those weeks ago. It’s a confident performance with no emotional theatrics – it’s pretty obvious Mary knows she’s a goner and is just enjoying her last shot at performing for several million viewers. What is it with X-Factor losers exiting with grace and dignity the past few weeks? Even Katie managed it. Cher totters on-stage to sing Britney Spears’s Everytime. Cher is obviously confused, because she starts acting out an emotional breakdown halfway through the song, but as anyone can tell you, Everytime is from the period BEFORE Britney went storming off the emotional rocker. You need to consult some Britney Spears musical historians next time, Ms Lloyd. I think I know one or two who might be able to help. JUDGES! Louis saves Mary because she sang her heart out 112 times throughout the series. Dannii saves Cher because she knows she’s the most disposable judge and would like to have a job next year. Cheryl saves Cher, obviously. And Cowell saves Cher, also obviously. And so, the most bizarre and questionable semi-final in the history of the X-Factor draws to a close, and Mary resigns herself to making a couple of grand from appearing in Tesco ads and singing on the Late Late Show. Next week we have TWO NIGHTS OF TWO HOUR SHOWS, which is going to absolutely destroy me. Particularly if Bieber Squad win. I’m warning you Britain, DO NOT do that to me.

The X-Factor: Week Eight

Exuberant Voiceover Man warns us that it’s TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC as our eyeballs are assaulted by an onslaught of quickly-edited together shots of our heroes. Dermot introduces us to Rock Week (with apologies to Rock Music) and the horrifying reality that we’re going to be getting TWO PERFORMANCES from each of the contestants (what did we do to deserve that?) then we’re on to our first performance of the night: WAGNER

Wagner has decided to turn his voice of mass destruction upon Radiohead by taking on Creep. They’ve decided to forego the dancers, the medley and the mash-ups for this first song - we’re just getting pure unadulterated Wagner’s voice. Which is kind of them. And potentially deadly, without anything to distract our focus from the vocals. “I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo” sings Wagner, “What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.” The camera flicks to a completely mystified Simon Cowell and it is hilarious. Judges! Kylie Minogue’s sister says it’s the best he has ever sung, because he connected with the lyrics. Louis asks what on earth she’s implying. Cowell interjects by pointing out that LOUIS CHOSE THE FUCKING SONG FOR WAGNER. Louis explains he loves the song and picked it because he thinks the lyrics are “I’m a creep, I’m a winner.” Oh dear. I have to admit, this show just would not be the same without the cringe-inducing idiocy of Louis Walsh.

Now that we’ve had our eardrums thoroughly unsteadied by Wagner, it’s time to finish off the audience’s hearing altogether by unleashing Fuckwits United. Simon introduces the boys by name, and I’m shocked to learn they have actual names beyond Irish, Muslim, Inferior Bieber, Superior Bieber and Curly-Headed One. Next thing they’ll try and tell me these boys have personalities. One Dimension’s intro video is all about them getting mobbed by 14 year old girls in HMV while trying to buy the X-Factor Finalist’s Charity Single (available now!) Inferior Bieber explains that while it’s nice to have a number 1 with the other finalists, what they really want is to score their own number one single some day. Who would have thought it? Simon explains that the challenge this week is to find a rock song young enough for the boys to sing convincingly. Which is why they’ve gone for Summer of ’69, a song about those memorable days roughly 23 years before the eldest member of Bieber Squad was born. Judges! Dannii has received her beating from Simon concerning her criticism of the band last week, so she falls in line with all the others and tells us about how great One Direction are. Louis badgers Simon about the International Emmy he won last week and it is neither funny nor cutting so I have no idea why he’s doing it. Then again, Louis is never funny nor cutting so I guess this is par for the course.

Mary Tesco is up next. Her intro video also shows her going to HMV to buy herself a copy of the finalists’ number one single, but unlike Bieber Squad there’s no need for security because Mary manages to go about her musical purchases in broad daylight without anyone accosting her. Bless. Mary explains she’s dedicating the song to her only true love, Mr Absent Father Tesco. You’ve just broken Wagner’s heart, Mary. Why would you do that? Mary is singing U2’s All I Want Is You, which is about as ballady as rock gets and thus is a perfect choice for Mary. There’s nothing surprising about the performance, as she belts out the bits that need belting out capably enough – Mary is pretty much a one-trick pony, albeit a very likeable one. Judges! Liked it. Cowell praises the song choice and takes the opportunity to chastise Louis for all the Shirley Bassey numbers he’s been giving Mary. Louis says, for about the 3^rd time since the intro-video started, that Mary was up there “singing her heart out”. If he says it once more I’m adding it to the Big Bag of X Factor Clichés.

It’s everyone’s favourite pikey, Cher Lloyd! You know what I hate about Cher’s intro videos? Every single one of them uses the music from either Promise This, Parachute or Fight For This Love – we get it! She’s like a mini Cheryl! It couldn’t be more obvious if she assaulted a black woman in a bathroom and married a sexually promiscuous footballer! There’s really no need to seal the association with the constant repetition of Cheryl Cole tracks! Cher explains that her first song was “made for her”. Well no, it was made for Avril Lavigne, but if you want to start moulding yourself after her rather than Cheryl Cole then feel free, love. Cher is singing Girlfriend by rapping the verses and badly singing the chorus. It’s pretty bad and the performance is completely demented and hyperactive – like they’ve given the dancers the same uppers they gave Cher to help her get over the depression of being in the bottom two last week. Judges! Louis loved it, because Louis loves everything and wishes everyone and everything could stay every week and everyone deserves to be in the final. Danni says it made her want to go to Cher’s concert. Presumably she’d only do so if they had some sort of door policy excluding all the chavs and travellers who’d also have bought tickets. Meaning it’d pretty much be a private performance for Dannii, actually.

Rebecca Ferguson! I cannot recap her intro video, because the video file I downloaded actually froze up during that part, presumably because Rebecca is so nice but bland that Windows Media Player got bored of her and just wanted to skip straight to the song. Rebecca is singing I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, in the style of an elevator. No, seriously, it’s the only way to describe Rebecca’s mid-tempo, boring approximation of this song... well, that or dull as dishwater. Or limp. Or lifeless. Okay, there are a lot of ways to describe Rebecca’s performance then, but all of them are euphemisms for being fucking bored shitless. “Bono would have loved that” declares Louis. Bono also loves being a sanctimonious, obnoxious turd though, so what does he know? Dannii would have liked a bit more performance from Rebecca. By performance, she means anything to indicate that Rebecca is not an android sent from the future to learn more about the ways of reality television by media historians studying how Simon Cowell became Emperor of the World.

Matt Cardle! Matt spends most of his intro video explaining why he wasn’t wearing a shirt last week. Because we all care about that. Matt also talks about good a mentor Dannii is, and how much effort she put in to helping him, Paije, my boyfriend Aiden and Niccolo. Hey everyone, remember Niccolo? Thought not. Matt is singing I Love Rock and Roll, because he loves Rock and Roll. This will be the second time Matt’s performance involves actually moving around and interacting with dancer folk, proving that it is never too late for a leopard who prefers to sit down and squeal some high notes to change its spots. Are you paying attention, Rebecca-droid? It’s probably not the best choice of song for Matt – there isn’t much opportunity for vocal acrobatics, just a lot of dry humping the dancers as his slightly-mumbly vocals are swallowed up by the overpowering music. I think I can see Wagner’s wife from the Viva Las Vegas performance a few weeks ago among the dancers throw themselves at Matt. Oh Matt, wasn’t it bad enough that you slated him to the press? You didn’t have to steal his wife too. Judges! Say nothing of substance.

Finally, in this first round of musical abortions, we have demon-queen Katie Waissel! You might remember that Katie was saved from being in her 5^th sing-off last week by the vote-rigging powers of some Russian mafia types paid for with the blood, sweat and vaginal juices of Katie’s occasional-pornstar grandmother, Nana Vogel. Katie fails to thank Nana Vogel for her assistance in her intro video, instead we get what must surely be the third or fourth VT of the series telling us that Pixie-Haired Katie is, honestly, we swear, no lie, THE REAL KATIE. Honest Katie, says Louis. Oh Louis, those words just do not belong together. Real Katie loves rock, and is really looking forward to singing... Sex on Fire. Within 5 seconds of the performance starting it’s clear that Real Katie is indeed just Old Katie with a new haircut, as we’re back to total artifice and pretence. Snarling and squinting while surrounded by flames, Katie tries her best to sell some emotional intensity but fails miserably, because as we’ve learned by now, the only time Katie is real is when she’s desperately pleading through song to be kept in the competition. Also, her voice is just too weak for this song. It seems that Katie has decided that surviving last week means the public must now be completely on her side, as she implores the audience “Come on! Let’s go!” - This does not result in the eruption of cheering or singing-along that Katie was probably hoping for, although as the camera pulls back to take in the entire X-Factor audience and their complete indifference to her attempts to inspire their participation in the performance, I think I spot someone scratching their face, so I guess that’s better than nothing. Judges! As usual, Dannii gives an honest evaluation and gets booed for it.

Wagner! Part Two! For his second performance, we’re back to vintage Wagner, as he performs Addicted to Love. Or, to be more accurate, Addicted to Loaf. This is the Wagner we love – all googley-eyed, surrounded by adoring womenfolk as he murders every musical note known to man, and a few known only to dogs. The performance ends with 10 of the dancers fetching a bunch of shotguns, pointing them skyward and firing a mass of glitter into the air. Brian Friedman should retire now, because he is never going to best that one. The audience boos. Oh behave, audience. Dannii heralds the return of the Wagner we all know and love – girls, out of tune singing and booing. Simon admits that Wagner is fascinating, as Wagner’s power to tear apart the traditional concepts of sexuality begin to take hold.

Next up is One Dimension’s second performance of the evening. Simon says the idea with the second song is to take away the gimmicks and performance and show that the boys are just good singers. That’s easy to say Simon, but where’s your evidence? I certainly haven’t seen any over the past two months. Oh lord, the huge video screens on-stage have once again been adorned with images of each Bieber’s face staring out with the expression of a wounded, retarded puppy, begging to be mothered and loved. Although for Irish Bieber that’s pretty much constant. They’re singing You Are So Beautiful To Me, accompanied by camera close-ups so tight that it seems like each of them might just step out of the television, into your living room and whisper “If One Direction win, we can be together” into the ears of your daughter/sister/mother. The performance ends with the camera travelling so close to Curly Bieber’s adorable puppy wuppy eyes that I think I’m able to diagnose him with astigmatism. Judges! Louis points out it was not a rock song. Simon retorts “Joe Cocker actually was a rock singer.” Then sticks his fingers in his ears and goes “La la la if a rocker sings a ballad then that ballad is a rock song!”

Mary Tesco is back, doing her first ever upbeat performance number of the show. Mercifully, she hasn’t decided to emulate Matt and wear only a stringy vest. Mary’s singing Brass in Pocket. Does she mean a knuckle-duster? Because I could totally see Mary wearing a knuckle duster and going to town on some knackers who’d stolen from her Tesco. “GIVE IT TO ME” Mary wails, “GIVE IT TO MEEEEEEE”, as I picture a bloodied and bruised fourteen year old handing back a packet of cigarettes and a few cans of Dutch Gold stolen on her watch. Nobody steals from Mary Tesco’s Tesco and gets away with it. Admit it, you can totally picture her as a vigilante superheroine, darting from rooftop to rooftop in pursuit of those who would endanger much-needed retail employment in the current recessionary times. Mary Byrne. Single-handedly saving the economy. Judges! Decide it was vocally not her best but they all love Mary and appreciate the sacrifices she has been making to protect jobs in Tesco.

Sleeping-tablet users rejoice! No need to take your medication tonight, for it’s the second performance from Rebecca Ferguson! Rebecca promises us in the intro video that we’re about to see her fun side, because she’s sick of everyone putting her in a miserable little box. That’s a terrible way to describe Liverpool, Rebecca. It seems that Rebecca’s fun side means “two backing dancers”. Rebecca is singing I Can’t Get No Satisfaction. Similar to One Direction’s warping of the rock theme, Cheryl Cole has decided that singing the Aretha Franklin version of this song still counts as Rock. Despite changing the arrangement of the song to suit Rebecca, she still struggles in some parts, but it is 10% more interesting than the first performance, which means it was about 10% interesting. Judges! All praise her, because they all like Rebecca and are letting that blind them to the fact that she’s so bloody boring.

You know who isn’t boring? Katie Waissel! No other contestant on this show has ever had such a sordid miasma of a background – the Katie Waissel Story has everything; geriatric prostitution, shadowy connections to the production staff and record companies involved in the show, Eastern European crime gangs, Satanic cults, blood sacrifices, name changes, beloved musical numbers from Disney classics, emotional haircuts, forgotten lyrics, Apprentice contestant fuck buddies and arranging Gamu’s deportation. If she could be half as sincere as she is interesting then people might actually like her. Oh well. Katie is singing Everybody Hurts, because it is so meaningful. If only she could understand these complicated emotions that the song makes reference to! It’s a much better performance than her first and much better suited to her voice. And even somewhat emotionally genuine. I guess after sacrificing all those children to Satan, and her grandmother to those gangsters, Katie has learned that everybody does indeed hurt and is thus able to sing with some conviction for once. Judges! Simon rabbits on about how it was good but not long enough.

Matt Cardle! His intro video promises a memorable rendition of a beloved song. Matt is sitting down with a guitar singing Knights in White Satin. As to whether he’s actually playing the guitar or not, your guess is as good as mine. What he definitely does do, however, is probably the best performance of the night, with another of those flawless Matt vocals. There isn’t much to make fun of, because it’s just a damn good performance. If Bieber Squad beat Matt then there is no justice in the world! Judges! Louis compliments the song choice and execution. Cheryl declares it her favourite Matt performance ever and Simon pulls the old “You really made it your own” from the Big Bag of X Factor Clichés.

And performing last, we have Cher Lloyd. Who would always have been performing last tonight, even if she hadn’t been in the bottom two last week. Honestly. Would they do something like this to manipulate people into voting for their Chosen One? Of course not. What do you think the X-Factor production team are, evil or something? Cher is performing Walk This Way, and the only thing surprising about this choice of song is that it has taken until Week 8 for Cher to perform it. The performance is... a big frantic mess. Cher is wearing a tracksuit that makes it look like it was cobbled together from bits of every outfit Big Gay Paije wore during his time on this show (so basically it looks like a rainbow vomited on Cher), and her make-up makes it look like Homer Simpson’s make-up shotgun went off in her face. Twice. There are about fifty dancers on-stage and occasionally pyrotechnics. It’s a bit hard to concentrate on the performance, which is maybe what they were hoping for. I’ll say this much for Cher though – she deserves credit for coming out and performing so confidently, without really whining about being in the bottom two last week. Or maybe the doctor who prescribed whatever mood-lifters they put in her dinner before the show deserve the kudos. Whatever. Judges! Dannii offers more honest appraisal, but let’s ignore that in favour of Simon’s improbable hyperbole. YOU WERE FANTASTIC, CHER. YOU NEVER PLAY IT SAFE, CHER. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU, CHER. YOU’RE AMAZING. Etc.

Results Show

Double elimination tonight, but before we get through that we have to suffer through international superstar Justin Bieber, international superstar Nicole Scherzinger, and Nottingham superstars The Wanted. For the uninitiated, The Wanted, performing first, are like One Direction in 5 years time. There’s a curly headed one, a sallow-skinned one (who is also the Irish one, and has cheek bones you could cut yourself on), two similar looking ones and a skinhead one who shaved his hair off to stick out a bit from the others. One Direction haven’t quite reached that point yet, but my money’s on Inferior Bieber being the one to crack and take razor to hair. The Wanted are singing their new single, Lose My Mind. Well, when I say singing, they’re miming the chorus and singing the verses. Can we give them some credit for that? Partial credit? No. No we can’t.

Then we have the complete and utter horror of the actual Justin Bieiber, no doubt come to have his people reclaim two-fifths of One Dimension for copyright infringement/unauthorised reproduction of his DNA. But while he’s doing that, he might as well promote his recently announced tour, which no doubt led to the deaths of many parents in both the UK and Ireland as they queued in sub-zero temperatures to prove to their children that they loved them by buying tickets to watch a Canadian teengager run about on stage singing songs about being in love with girls in a completely inoffensive handy-holdy way rather than the me-so-horny-when-can-we-ride-ah-c’mon-let’s-get-drunk-and-do-it way. Bieber is miming his entire performance, so I guess we can give The Wanted that partial credit after all. Bieber is also genuinely quite creepy and too wholesome to be true, and makes “call me” motions at Cheryl Cole that make me want to vomit.

Finally, we have occasional X Factor judge Nicole Sherzinger, who will be performing her solo single Poison. Unfortunately, it’s not a cover of the Alice Cooper song, but a rather over-long sub-Gaga number with a somewhat hyperactive performance accompanying it. Scherzinger appears to sing at least 90% of the song live, and in fairness, the bits she possibly mimes are because she’s being held aloft by some dancers, so we can forgive her that. Sorry, The Wanted, gotta take that partial credit from you after all.

Results! The person with the lowest number of votes will leave the competition immediately. The people second and third lowest will battle it out with maces on a tight-rope to decide who will make it into the semi-final. Or possibly just have a sing off. Rebecca is the first one through. Snore. Matt is safe. Yay. Cher is through and some people boo. And finally, unsurprisingly, One Dimension are through. We have a Mary/Wagner/Katie threeway – a terrifying prospect whatever way you cut it. Katie is gone, and is surprisingly gracious in defeat. Probably because having been in a record number of sing-offs you could have bet your first born that she’d be going tonight. Katie stomps off to ponder whether Ebola or Smallpox would be the best way to take her vengeance upon the world., while Mary and Wagner prepare for their sing-off.

Wagner is on first, singing Unforgettable. It is almost in-tune, or at least as in-tune as Wagner can possibly be. It is, dare I say it, almost good. Almost. Mary comes on-stage to sing some song called This Is My Life, which I think she sang before, possibly at judge’s houses. But in this particular sing-off, Mary could probably come on stage and sing the theme tune to Teletubbies and she’d still be through. Judges! We go to Louis first, and unlike Ms Cole when faced with choosing between her acts, he decides to make a choice and saves Mary. Danni saves Mary. Cheryl saves Mary. The judges are all very nice to Wagner and it is a surprisingly dignified exit for a man who made his first live performance urging us all to visit his Loaf Shack while playing the bongos. Fare thee well, Wagner, and all who sail in you.

X-Factor: Week Seven

LAST WEEKEND ON THE X FACTUH: Katie Waissel killed Aiden Grimshaw AND IT WAS ELECTRIC, Exuberant Voiceover Man announces. THIS WEEK! The remaining eight contestants decide to murder the legacy of the Beatles. Coincidentally, the same week Beatles songs are released on iTunes. How fortuitous. Dermot introduces the judges: this week, Cheryl is wearing chain-mail. Maybe she’s anticipating Katie’s reaction if she’s sent home.

We get a pre-recorded message from Paul McCartney, telling us that by the time we see it he will be far, far away. He’s either left the country to avoid the compulsion for revenge on the people murdering all of his hits, or he’s also anticipating the bloodbath that will ensue if Katie goes this week and reckons he’ll be safer in Brazil. Oh Paul, Katie’s rage does not respect international borders. He says it’s a great tribute to have so many of the songs he wrote covered by the X-Factor contestants, as he rolls around in a bathtub full of money and masturbates while looking at his bank balance.

First to sing is the last remaining bit of male eye-candy (unless you’re a paedophile, in which case you don’t have to wait long: One Direction are up soon) – Matt Cardle. Matt is sad that Aiden is gone but happy that for the first time on the show he’s going to have dancers. It’s nice that he was able to move on so quickly. I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN YOU, AIDEN! Matt is singing Come Together, except they’ve slutted it up a bit to make it different to Olly Murs’ “iconic” performance last year. They didn’t need to change the arrangement, to be honest – Matt’s performance is instantly 20 times better than Olly’s by virtue of the fact that there’s no stupid dancing and that he isn’t Olly Murs. It starts off odd as Matt does a manly snarly thing that doesn’t really work, but I’m sure the audience don’t care because he’s wearing a vest and has nice arms. And abandons the snarling in favour of actual competent singing for the chorus. Judges! Louis thinks something was missing (a t-shirt?), Cheryl thinks it’s nice to see Matt do something a bit more upbeat and Cowell spends a lot of time talking about Matt’s lack of shirt but eventually compliments the vocal, although at that point he’s been drowned out by the audience screaming to have Matt’s babies. “That was absolutely dripping” says Dannii. Yes.

Cher Lloyd is up second and as ever, emotionally deadpans her way through it as she tells us that she spends her days listening to her iPod and really gets on with Cheryl Cole and wants to change her name to Cheryl and get divorced like Cheryl and sing Cheryl’s songs and do community service for calling a black woman a jigaboo like Cheryl. Cher is singing Imagine which isn’t technically a Beatles song but I’m sure Louis will point that out as part of his role as Keeper of the Rules (When It Suits Him). Cher’s performance is pretty sluggish... whatever they’ve done to the arrangement of the song seems to have slowed it down so much that Cher actually starts to go backwards in time and, using her knowledge of the future, manages to save 58 children that Katie Waissel would otherwise have killed. Judges! Louis doesn’t point out that Imagine wasn’t really in keeping with the theme, presumably because Cowell has told Minogue and Walsh they’ll be shot if they dare criticise the wave of the future. Dannii thought it was fantastic! Simon talks all about how great Cher is and how he doesn’t like the stories in the press saying she’s a bit of a twat because he hates spending millions on PR and media advisors only to see it all blow up when the public decide to think differently and wishes everyone would just do what he says and believe what he tells them and consume only SyCo products and services. He then fixates on the staircase Cher sat on for the whole performance and blames Cheryl for it and it is all a bit bizarre.

Time to take off your pants and tie them around your head to drown out sight and sound – it’s One Direction! This week, the moppets got to watch England vs France, and they got lots of England football merchandise, which must have been awkward for Irish Bieber. Quick, someone tell Sinn Fein that ITV are making him wear England jerseys – it’ll incense them even more than when he was forced at the end of a gun to wear a poppy for Remembrance Sunday. Simon explains that Beatles week is the perfect opportunity for One Dimension, because just like the Beatles, they’re all talented singers, have a strong core of songwriting talent and the world at their feet. Curly Haired Bieber is a massive Beatles fan because he’s the most non-mainstream looking of the boys and thus the one of these 16-18 year olds most likely to have heard songs from the 60s, or so the producers decided when they got him to parrot that line. Can they shine this week, Simon asks rhetorically. One hundred million percent, he answers, as the X-Factor percentage inflation game GETS FUCKING SERIOUS. Vomit Squad are singing All You Need is Love. In a shocking twist, this week three members of Fuckwits United get to take lead – in addition to Curly Haired Bieber and Superior Bieber Clone Bieber as usual, Irish Bieber gets to sing a bit. Maybe that was his reward for pretending to be English. Then again, considering we’re about to take 7 Billion off the British, maybe the producers were being kind to him by creating a little confusion about his nationality. The song? Is awful. All over the place vocally and they continue to do that bit at the end of their performance where they all hug and bounce about like excitable puppies with floppy fringes who are the best friends ever and on the Katie Waissel Sincerity Scale it scores at least 7.3 Disingenuous Points. Judges! Louis throws his underwear at them. Dannii becomes the first judge to ever dare criticise One Direction and is promptly banished for such belligerence. Cheryl loves them and SUNSHINE.

It’s everyone’s favourite singing single mother (now that we’ve all forgotten Stacey Solomon) up next; Rebecca Ferguson! Her intro-vid is all about how close she and Cheryl are, because we have to dispel those press rumours that Cole is putting all her time and effort into Chosen One Waissel and Chosen One Lloyd. Cheryl’s door is always open for Rebecca to come in and have a chat! Isn’t that sweet? Beatles week means a lot to Rebecca, as she is from Liverpool and went to the same church as the Fab Four, played on Abbey Road, Penny Lane and Strawberry Field and conceived both her children while living in a yellow submarine. Needless to say, Ballad-Queen is singing Yesterday. It isn’t as good as Rebecca has been in recent weeks – she struggles in several parts and can’t decide whether she’s up or down at others so just decides to warble all over the place. She pulls it together enough in the second half to have the audience eating out of her hand by the end. Judges! Louis calls her a class act, then throws two darts at his dartboard of clichés and tells her “You made it your own!” and “I want to see you in the final!”. Dannii Minogue continues trying to give truthful, constructive criticism and is of course torn a new one by the audience for it. Cowell explains that he likes Rebecca because he always feels she means every word, and working in the music industry for so long it’s become a nice novelty for him to meet people with actual emotions.

Mary Tesco! Mary tells us that X-Factor is the best thing that has happened to her since she won the Christmas Raffle at work in 2007 and got a Clubcard with 800,000 points pre-loaded on it. Mary is going to be singing Something... the song called Something, that is. Specifically the Shirley Bassey (Aha!) cover version. Now it all makes sense. To be fair to Mary, it’s probably the best she’s been in weeks, but she’s really going to struggle next week when they’ve to do two songs each and she’s going to be called out on her lack of versatility. Judges! Dannii liked it and says Mary needs to be that confident every week. Cheryl likes that Mary sings with experience, because she’s lived life. Cowell says it was a perfect song choice and praises Mary for her return to form.

It’s Paije Richardson and therefore it’s time for my favourite part of the show – Guesing What Other Black Person Louis Walsh Will Compare Paije To. According to Louis, last week Paije was a Little Luthor Vandross and the week before that a Little Lenny Henry. What shall he be this week? A Little Barrack Obama? A Little Robert Mugabe? A Little Diana Ross? Paije will be singing Let It Be, from atop a raised platform. The kind you’d see at a political rally... like a Little Malcolm X? The performance is good, if a little Southern Baptist Choir, making Paije like a Little Jesse Jackson? Judges! Louis says Paije got his mojo back and gives out to Simon for saying Paije would never win... and then compares him to a Little Marvin Gaye! That statement was at least 33% correct anyway. Cheryl gets in on the game by saying Paije is just A Little Paije... Oh Cheryl, you just don’t get how this game works, do you? Cowell says he may have been a bit rude last week and praises Paije for tonight’s performance. Dannii wishes Paije a Happy Birthday and Dermot notes that Paije must be happy with the positive comments particularly after he was murdered last week. Like a Little Martin Luther King.

Louis advises us to fasten our seatbelts, because it’s Wagner time. This leads me to briefly imagine what sort of vehicle Wagner would drive: a safari jeep (all the better to hunt lions as gifts for lady-friends), a segway scooter (unsteady, off-kilter and impossible to stop)... before I finally realise... there’s only one vehicle Wagner would be seen dead in:

In his intro video, Wagner mentions the boos he has been receiving – “Some people don’t like Pavarotti, some people don’t like Bob Dylan. If some people don’t like me, it’s acceptable.” It’s a bit unfair to compare those lesser musicians to yourself, Wagner. Wagner explains that he loves singing because it takes you to another dimension in which there is only beauty. Proof positive, as though it were needed, that Wagner’s abilities are out of this world. This week, Wagner is doing 3 Beatles songs, because we have now reached the point where even two songs cannot contain the reality-shattering power of his voice. Wagner starts off with Get Back, moves on to Hippy Hippy Shake (which is when the dancers come on to do their booty-shekkin, naturally enough... no sign of Mrs Wagner this week, clearly the marriage has now run its course) which involves so much thrusting that several women in the front row of the audience tear their clothes off and scream for Wagner to take them right there, right then. But nothing can distract Wagner from his art, and he moves seamlessly (well, I exaggerate slightly... there are many seams in the performance, generally in the shape of several hundred missed notes) on to Hey Jude. And. Well. You’d think it’d be fairly easy to get those Na Na Na Nas of Hey Jude, wouldn’t you? It would take someone special to completely miss about50% of them and then mangle the pronunciation of Jude. But as we are all painfully aware, our Wagner is one special man. Judges! Danni is lost for words... but it’s okay as Cheryl Cole has more than enough to say – taking Wagner to task for comments made to a journalist about how she should count herself lucky as she’s just a girl from a council estate who got lucky. Wagner retaliates with a charm offensive that leaves Cheryl Cole about as convinced as the Irish electorate are that they need to re-elect Fianna Fail.

AND FINALLY, it’s Katie Waissel. You might have heard of her. Last week, Katie survived a record fourth sing-off, because people forgot to vote for my TV boyfriend. Alas, Katie has now used up every bit of demon hell-spawn in the underworld to ensure her survival, and has now had to turn to the Russian mafia for assistance in ensuring she stays in the show. Unfortunately, after having some stories about Katie translated into Cyrillic, the mafia realised that her promise to pay them “when I win” was a somewhat unsteady one and came looking for their money. In a bid to avoid capture, Katie has abandoned her blonde locks in favour of an Emma Watson ‘do. Oh Katie, is nothing about you original? She has also changed her name to Famous McFamewhore. The new ‘do at least gives her a chance to start over and reconnect with the public, and put all the bad weeks behind her. After all, a makeover worked for Danyl Johnson last year, didn’t it? Oh. Wait. As subtle as ever, Katie has decided to sing Help. And to give credit where it is due, she is very, very good. And for once, she even seems emotionally connected to the song. Louis Walsh, Wagner’s mentor, says that Katie deserves to remain in the show because it’s a singing competition and she can really sing. Ahem. Kylie’s sister makes the very valid point that every week Katie comes out and says “This is the real me!” and every week it’s something completely different. Katie's response? “This is the real me!” Also: Criticising Bieber Squad AND Katie in the same show? Cowell is going to kill her. Cowell isn’t confused! He loves Katie and Katie is great and everyone should vote for Katie and Katie is a genius.

Results Show!

No execrable group song opening the show tonight. Because they’re saving it for a good cause after the ad breaks! But first, because no one demanded it – it’s the return of Olly Murs. In case you didn’t feel it when the world of music was rocked to its foundations; Olly’s debut single went to number 1, so he’s here to whore the follow up: a pretty forgettable number whose writers probably had the brief of “Olly is a cheeky chappy. Write a song for a cheeky chappy that makes him come across as a bit of a cheeky chappy.” There is also, of course, a patented Olly Murs Stupid Dance Routine that makes me want to vomit on his face and push his eyeballs in with my thumbs. But then again, I feel that way about a lot of people on this show, so maybe Olly isn’t so bad.

Execrable group song! This year, the contestants are murdering David Bowie’s Heroes in aid of Help for Heroes, and I can’t help but feel that everyone, but especially David Bowie, would’ve preferred it if Cowell had just written H4H a big fat cheque instead. Oh well, worthy cause and all that. Even if it does mean people like Storm Lee and Katie Waissel will get to say that technically they’ve had a number 1 single. The performance, as ever, is mimed and, as ever, badly so.

Results! KATIE WAISSEL IS SAFE. Now she just has to work out a way to pay off those Eastern European Gangsters. One Dimension and Rebecca are safe. Matt and Mary are through. We’re down to Cher, Paije and Wagner... WAGNER IS SAFE. Paije’s song for survival will be Stop, while Cher, who is about to enter a complete catatonic shutdown such is her shock at being in the bottom two, will be singing Stay. Again. Which seems a bit cheeky, repeating a song from only 2 or 3 weeks ago that you were lauded for by the judges, but I guess the Chosen Ones can do what they want.

Paije pulls out all the stops and gives a very impressive performance, like a Little Jamelia, but he knows there’s no point, because he’s not Cher. Cher could crawl around in circles on-stage humming the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and the judges would still save her. Cher comes on and does her repeat performance of Stay, which is less impressive than the first time around because Cher’s confidence has been shot and she’s a bit of a mess. It’s still mostly very good but slightly awkward as the poor girl looks like she’s about to collapse and start crawling around in circles humming the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star at any point.

Judges! All agree that neither of these two should be in the bottom two. Simon saves Cher, obviously, while Dannii and Cheryl go for their respective acts. Louis, of course, milks his bit for all it’s worth, but decides to save Cher and then waits for Simon to pat him on the head. Paije leaves us, and his dreams of stardom behind, like a Little Failed X-Factor Contestant.

X-Factor: Week Six

Welcome to Week 6 of Saving Katie Waissel. This week, the theme is Elton John songs, because if there is one thing that the X-Factor voting youth of today appreciate, it’s the paino-led ballads of 63 year old flower-loving homosexuals who had their heyday in the 1970s.

First up is Big Gay Paije, whose intro video reveals that while the contestants were casually hanging around in a hotel conveniently next door to where the Harry Potter premiere was taking place, casually talking about how much they’d like to do something to promote the film to 13 million people on a Saturday night, Daniel Radcliffe just happened to potter (sorry) by and introduce himself. We find out that Paije was an extra in one of the HP films, where he played Nubious Noire, a young man expelled from Hogwarts for trying to find an alchemical cure for homosexuality. Cowell tells us that Paije will be singing an utterly bizarre song, which can of course mean only one thing: Crocodile Rock. And sure enough, Paije saunters on stage to show us all his la-la-la-la-las. The backing dancers are wearing faux-fros. Maybe they’re trying to get in on the whole Movember thing. Or maybe they’re just slightly racist. Paije is definitely improving – he only runs out of breath twice this week. JUDGES! Louis didn’t like it, he would’ve preferred if Dannii had picked something more recent. Recent? Elton John? Sure. Cheryl Cole opens her mouth and some confused bats flutter out. And Simon thinks Paije just can’t compete with some of the bigger singers. Oh Simon, can’t you see that Paije is easily the biggest singer of the lot?

Next on is my TV boyfriend Aiden Grimshaw and his Amazingly Broad Shoulders. Slightly unusual to put two contestants belonging to one judge on after one another, but I can’t pretend to understand the machinations of the X Factor producers. I can however speculate that the reasons are ENTIRELY EVIL. Aiden is singing Rocket Man in that inimitable Aiden style. Well, you could imitate it, but your friends and family might have you locked up for fear you’re going to hurt them. The performance is a bit flat but picks up towards the end and the audience reaction is good. Perhaps because they all want to fuck him as well. Speaking of people who want to fuck Aiden, Louis liked the performance and says that if Elton was watching (presumably in an ostentatiously furnished, palatial living room filled with hyacinths, lilies and gladiolas while sipping champagne from a flute being held by an underwear model named Rolando) he would have loved it too. Louis knows this because all homosexuals share a collective consciousness that allows for the super-fast exchange of thoughts. Right now, for example, I’m aware that Perez Hilton is eating a doughnut and using MS Paint to draw cum on a female celebrity’s face.

Mary Tesco is on next, ready to scan herself into our hearts. Mary’s intro video is about how lonely she is for her daughter, Debbie Booorne. We see Mary on the phone making one of her thrice-daily calls to Debs Booorne, and I pause at this scene to note that Mary has about 50,000 medical items on the locker next to her bed, and what appears to be a large bottle of Bulmers/Magners on the floor next to a load of shopping bags. I now imagine that Mary takes her meds with cider, and it makes me love her a little bit more. Mary met Imelda Staunton at the Harry Potter premiere and the two of them went out on the piss and had a conversation about which British accent they hated the most. Mary is singing Can You Feel the Love Tonight? – the song from that bit in the Lion King when Simba gets his hole with Nala. I bet when Wagner heard Mary rehearsing this one he thought his luck was in. It is better than last week but Mary isn’t back to being Tesco’s Finest just yet. Judges! Dannii gives a level-headed appraisal, Cheryl says something nice because she’s trying to recover from last week, and Simon says the performance only really worked because Mary has a heart. Unlike the other contestants, who’e had theirs harvested by Katie Waissel for sacrifice to whichever of Satan’s dread lords she’s worshipping this week.

Speak of the devil-worshipper, Katie is up next. Katie had a magical time at the premiere, because there were lots of teenage virgins there so it was easy for her to come by the 50 litres of warm blood she needed to bargain with Beelzebub. Katie is singing Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting, which is somewhat inaccurate given that Sunday is when she finds herself in the sing-off every week. Katie’s voice isn’t powerful enough for the shouty bits... it is something of a shambolic performance but she was always going to struggle with this particular theme. Judges! Louis criticises the song choice, and says it could be Katie’s last week in the competition. For the first time ever, I’d like to live on Planet Louis. During her chit-chat with Dermot, Katie says she’d like to dedicate her performance to all the sick children she put in hospital during the week when she accidentally released the demon from The Exorcist.

Matt Cardle! Last week, Matt enchanted the world with his effortless falsetto. But as Cheryl Cole reminds us in Matt’s video, you’re only as good as your most recent performance. And for those of you playing X-Factor Cliché Bingo at home, you can cross off the part saying “110%”, as Matt decides to unload that particular X-Factor staple during his chinwag. Matt will be singing Goodbye Yellow Brick Road because it has lots of Ooooohs and Aaaaahs in it where he can show off his vocal gymnastics. There’s not a lot to say about this one – another good vocal from Matt, who probably hasn’t put a foot wrong yet. Louis congratulates him on his consistency, Cheryl says something nice but dim and Cowell is positive also.

Cher Lloyd soullessly porcelain-doll-faces her way through another intro video, as she emotionlessly tells us how she loves being in the show and could never be a checkout girl or shelf-stacker - NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT she hastily adds, not wanting to alienate a sizeable chunk of voting audience. Louis says Cher is brave this week because she’s going to be singing on-stage on her own. Like Mary Byrne, Matt Cardle and Aiden Grimshaw have been doing since Week 1, you mean? Cher is singing Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word. Well, when I say singing – there is of course a rap in the middle that we could’ve done without but overall it’s a pretty good, assured performance, and to give her credit where it is due, Cher seems to know her voice well enough to know not to stretch it too far when she is singing, unlike some Waissels I could mention. Judges! Loved it, because Cher is one of the Chosen Ones they want in the final.

Time to undo your zippers, folks, cos it’s WAGNER time. I’m not going to lie; I think Wagner could be in trouble this week. After all, Mr Fiuzo-Carrilho is clearly going to have trouble getting into his personal performance space and trying to identify with a flamboyant gay piano-player. And without that ability to step into the artist’s shoes as he does so effortlessly week-in and week-out, Wagner’s performance could lack that essential Wagnerian spark that sets him apart as the voice of a generation of sex offenders. I suffer a minor brain explosion as Daniel Radcliffe is shown asking Wagner what’s the story with that famous picture of him holding the lion by the tail, to which Wagner casually explains “It was a lady-friend’s lion.” Of course. What else would it be? Wagner is performing another mash-up, of course, this time it’s I’m Still Standing and Circle of Life. There’s an odd bit where the performance is delayed and Dermot has to chat with Louis while we wait for Wagner to make it on-stage, presumably as he was busy seducing some lady-dancers backstage. In one of Brian Friedman’s more inspired decisions, he has decided that Wagner should be accompanied on-stage by his bride from last week’s Viva Las Vegas wedding performance, further strengthening my belief that she and Wagner are indeed actually married. The only way it’ll work is if it’s an open relationship. There’s an amazing moment where we flash to the judges to see Simon Cowell slack-jawed in disbelief and Dannii Minogue holding her face in her hands due to the sheer wonder of Wagner singing everything but the correct notes. Judges! Cheryl says she loves watching the things that go on around Wagner, that he gives it is all every week, and that she will continue to avoid commenting on the actual performance lest the public turn on her (further).

Lock up your daughters’ mobile phones, because One Dimension are next! No, please, someone ban girls under 18 from using their phones for one weekend, just to save us from Bieber Squad. Their intro video is all about how hot Emma Watson is. Yes boys, but she’s also got a brain so forget about it and focus on the thousands of girls voting for you every weekend instead. The Biebers will be singing There’s Something About The Way You Look Tonight. Muslim Bieber distinguishes himself from the pack this week by echoing every word that Curly Headed Bieber sings, in the unique key of Out-of-Tune. If these boys duetted with Wagner I think every cat in the nation would stick its head in the air simultaneously. The performance is accompanied by gigantic headshots of the boys staring out looking doe-eyed, needy and wounded as subliminal subtitles flicker on-screen saying “Your favourite one is singing this lyric to you! And only you! VOTE NOW! VOTE OFTEN! BUY THE MAGAZINE!” Judges! All love One Dimension because Cowell has a gun to their contracts.

Rounding out the show tonight, we have Rebecca Ferguson singing Candle in the Wind. The Marilyn Monroe one, mind, not the Princess Diana one. I guess it’s still too soon. And too mawkish. It suits Rebecca’s heartfelt voice quite well. Also suiting Rebecca quite well are the pair of Pat Butcher-esque chandalearrings she’s wearing. They’re quite distracting. Lucky for us, it’s just Rebecca on-stage singing, so we don’t have to worry about missing one of Brian Friedman’s amazing pieces of dance-art due to Rebecca’s choice of ear-wear.

RESULTS SHOW!

Our group song is Can’t Stop Movin’. It is possibly the biggest travesty of a group song ever, which is really saying something. Paije and Aiden completely mess up their miming, Bieber Squad are even more auto-tuned than usual (I refuse to believe that Curly Headed Bieber can hit that slightly-high note without digital jiggerypokery helping him along) but Inferior Clone of Bieber Bieber does a little booty-shaking with Mary Byrne, so I guess it isn’t all bad.

The next 35 minutes are what I will refer to as Boyband Fest 2010: JLS, Westlife and Take That appear in order to whore out their Children in Need single, non-Children in Need single and first performance as a fivesome/arena tour respectively. Poor JLS, it must have been hard for them to resist planting an explosive in One Dimension’s dressing room. Those five boys are like a Doomsday clock ticking down to JLS’s irrelevance. Their Children in Need single is a by the numbers pop ballad, but At Least It’s All For A Good Cause™. We’ll be trotting that one out again in a week or two when the X-Factor finalists release their back-alley abortion version of David Bowie’s Heroes.

Westlife’s song is notable for being possibly the first single they’ve released in about 9 years that isn’t a cover version. The lead singer bloke with the square head and dark hair (please no one ever ask me to tell them apart by name) has gotten quite pudgy, bless him. I struggle to find anything of interest to say about Westlife, because they are Westlife and anything they do is only of interest to that hard core of demented people who continue to buy their singles and go to their tours each and every year, presumably because they were sat down in one of those chairs from A Clockwork Orange at some point in the early 00s and brainwashed into forever supporting Westlife, regardless of how banal their output becomes.

Completing the testosterone triumvirate is Take That, reunited for the first time since whatever year they split up in. They perform The Flood, a somewhat overproduced number that isn’t half as catchy as some of the tunes Gary Barlow has shat out of his pop-o-matic since the group initially reformed as a foursome before dwindling solo sales forced Robbie to run back with his tail between his legs. Speaking of Mr Williams, he doesn’t make quite as much of an arse of himself as he did the last time he was on the X-Factor, but he does try a little too hard to belt out the notes, either in a bid to outdo arch-rival Barlow or because he just really wants to spend 4 minutes on live television looking like he’s constipated. You decide.

On to the results! Cher, Matt and Rebecca are safe. Wand Erection are through. WAGNER LIVES! Mary is safe. Leaving.... Paije, Aiden and Katie... and Paije is safe. No one looks more shocked at this news than Paije himself, who quickly bounces off stage before someone can tell him it was a mistake. Careful Paije, you’ll give yourself a coronary. Aiden sings for survival first, with Crowded House’s Don’t Dream It’s Over. It is an okay performance, somewhat awkward but fairly competent. His Amazingly Broad Shoulders put in a good effort on backing vocals, capably aided by his Smouldering Stares. Katie Waissel shambles on-stage, and I think for a moment that she’s finally run out of sing-off songs and might have to resort to the National Anthem, or maybe Du Hast. Katie sings some Christina Aguilera album track called You’re Going to Save Me. Say what you will about the girl, but she knows how to pick sing-off tracks with appropriate titles.

Judges! I should not let it go without comment that tonight, Cheryl Cole is wearing her hair like a cross between Princess Leia and Satan. We go to Simon first. He thinks for a while. Then he thinks some more. Then, just when you think he’s finished thinking, he decides to spend some more time thinking. Eventually, he decides to save Katie, because he sold his soul to the devil many, many years ago and Satan and Katie are really close these days. Dannii saves Aiden and Cheryl actually manages to make a decision this week and saves Katie. Last week Louis had to decide whether to listen to his heart or his head – this week it is a simple enough matter of listening to his cock, so he saves Aiden. DEADLOCK. The act with the lowest votes from the public will be eliminated. Katie simpers and whimpers and grasps Aiden’s hand. If she’s voted off she’ll superglue her palm to his so they can’t get rid of her. But, no need for the adhesives this week, as Aiden has the lowest votes and is eliminated. Katie looks troubled, because she has now run out of demonic beings to sacrifice children to (as well as children in general, having killed all of them in the Greater London area), but then she looks relieved as she remembers she still has a grandmother she can sell. So long, Nana Waissel.