The X-Factor: Week Eight

Exuberant Voiceover Man warns us that it’s TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC as our eyeballs are assaulted by an onslaught of quickly-edited together shots of our heroes. Dermot introduces us to Rock Week (with apologies to Rock Music) and the horrifying reality that we’re going to be getting TWO PERFORMANCES from each of the contestants (what did we do to deserve that?) then we’re on to our first performance of the night: WAGNER

Wagner has decided to turn his voice of mass destruction upon Radiohead by taking on Creep. They’ve decided to forego the dancers, the medley and the mash-ups for this first song - we’re just getting pure unadulterated Wagner’s voice. Which is kind of them. And potentially deadly, without anything to distract our focus from the vocals. “I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo” sings Wagner, “What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.” The camera flicks to a completely mystified Simon Cowell and it is hilarious. Judges! Kylie Minogue’s sister says it’s the best he has ever sung, because he connected with the lyrics. Louis asks what on earth she’s implying. Cowell interjects by pointing out that LOUIS CHOSE THE FUCKING SONG FOR WAGNER. Louis explains he loves the song and picked it because he thinks the lyrics are “I’m a creep, I’m a winner.” Oh dear. I have to admit, this show just would not be the same without the cringe-inducing idiocy of Louis Walsh.

Now that we’ve had our eardrums thoroughly unsteadied by Wagner, it’s time to finish off the audience’s hearing altogether by unleashing Fuckwits United. Simon introduces the boys by name, and I’m shocked to learn they have actual names beyond Irish, Muslim, Inferior Bieber, Superior Bieber and Curly-Headed One. Next thing they’ll try and tell me these boys have personalities. One Dimension’s intro video is all about them getting mobbed by 14 year old girls in HMV while trying to buy the X-Factor Finalist’s Charity Single (available now!) Inferior Bieber explains that while it’s nice to have a number 1 with the other finalists, what they really want is to score their own number one single some day. Who would have thought it? Simon explains that the challenge this week is to find a rock song young enough for the boys to sing convincingly. Which is why they’ve gone for Summer of ’69, a song about those memorable days roughly 23 years before the eldest member of Bieber Squad was born. Judges! Dannii has received her beating from Simon concerning her criticism of the band last week, so she falls in line with all the others and tells us about how great One Direction are. Louis badgers Simon about the International Emmy he won last week and it is neither funny nor cutting so I have no idea why he’s doing it. Then again, Louis is never funny nor cutting so I guess this is par for the course.

Mary Tesco is up next. Her intro video also shows her going to HMV to buy herself a copy of the finalists’ number one single, but unlike Bieber Squad there’s no need for security because Mary manages to go about her musical purchases in broad daylight without anyone accosting her. Bless. Mary explains she’s dedicating the song to her only true love, Mr Absent Father Tesco. You’ve just broken Wagner’s heart, Mary. Why would you do that? Mary is singing U2’s All I Want Is You, which is about as ballady as rock gets and thus is a perfect choice for Mary. There’s nothing surprising about the performance, as she belts out the bits that need belting out capably enough – Mary is pretty much a one-trick pony, albeit a very likeable one. Judges! Liked it. Cowell praises the song choice and takes the opportunity to chastise Louis for all the Shirley Bassey numbers he’s been giving Mary. Louis says, for about the 3^rd time since the intro-video started, that Mary was up there “singing her heart out”. If he says it once more I’m adding it to the Big Bag of X Factor Clichés.

It’s everyone’s favourite pikey, Cher Lloyd! You know what I hate about Cher’s intro videos? Every single one of them uses the music from either Promise This, Parachute or Fight For This Love – we get it! She’s like a mini Cheryl! It couldn’t be more obvious if she assaulted a black woman in a bathroom and married a sexually promiscuous footballer! There’s really no need to seal the association with the constant repetition of Cheryl Cole tracks! Cher explains that her first song was “made for her”. Well no, it was made for Avril Lavigne, but if you want to start moulding yourself after her rather than Cheryl Cole then feel free, love. Cher is singing Girlfriend by rapping the verses and badly singing the chorus. It’s pretty bad and the performance is completely demented and hyperactive – like they’ve given the dancers the same uppers they gave Cher to help her get over the depression of being in the bottom two last week. Judges! Louis loved it, because Louis loves everything and wishes everyone and everything could stay every week and everyone deserves to be in the final. Danni says it made her want to go to Cher’s concert. Presumably she’d only do so if they had some sort of door policy excluding all the chavs and travellers who’d also have bought tickets. Meaning it’d pretty much be a private performance for Dannii, actually.

Rebecca Ferguson! I cannot recap her intro video, because the video file I downloaded actually froze up during that part, presumably because Rebecca is so nice but bland that Windows Media Player got bored of her and just wanted to skip straight to the song. Rebecca is singing I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, in the style of an elevator. No, seriously, it’s the only way to describe Rebecca’s mid-tempo, boring approximation of this song... well, that or dull as dishwater. Or limp. Or lifeless. Okay, there are a lot of ways to describe Rebecca’s performance then, but all of them are euphemisms for being fucking bored shitless. “Bono would have loved that” declares Louis. Bono also loves being a sanctimonious, obnoxious turd though, so what does he know? Dannii would have liked a bit more performance from Rebecca. By performance, she means anything to indicate that Rebecca is not an android sent from the future to learn more about the ways of reality television by media historians studying how Simon Cowell became Emperor of the World.

Matt Cardle! Matt spends most of his intro video explaining why he wasn’t wearing a shirt last week. Because we all care about that. Matt also talks about good a mentor Dannii is, and how much effort she put in to helping him, Paije, my boyfriend Aiden and Niccolo. Hey everyone, remember Niccolo? Thought not. Matt is singing I Love Rock and Roll, because he loves Rock and Roll. This will be the second time Matt’s performance involves actually moving around and interacting with dancer folk, proving that it is never too late for a leopard who prefers to sit down and squeal some high notes to change its spots. Are you paying attention, Rebecca-droid? It’s probably not the best choice of song for Matt – there isn’t much opportunity for vocal acrobatics, just a lot of dry humping the dancers as his slightly-mumbly vocals are swallowed up by the overpowering music. I think I can see Wagner’s wife from the Viva Las Vegas performance a few weeks ago among the dancers throw themselves at Matt. Oh Matt, wasn’t it bad enough that you slated him to the press? You didn’t have to steal his wife too. Judges! Say nothing of substance.

Finally, in this first round of musical abortions, we have demon-queen Katie Waissel! You might remember that Katie was saved from being in her 5^th sing-off last week by the vote-rigging powers of some Russian mafia types paid for with the blood, sweat and vaginal juices of Katie’s occasional-pornstar grandmother, Nana Vogel. Katie fails to thank Nana Vogel for her assistance in her intro video, instead we get what must surely be the third or fourth VT of the series telling us that Pixie-Haired Katie is, honestly, we swear, no lie, THE REAL KATIE. Honest Katie, says Louis. Oh Louis, those words just do not belong together. Real Katie loves rock, and is really looking forward to singing... Sex on Fire. Within 5 seconds of the performance starting it’s clear that Real Katie is indeed just Old Katie with a new haircut, as we’re back to total artifice and pretence. Snarling and squinting while surrounded by flames, Katie tries her best to sell some emotional intensity but fails miserably, because as we’ve learned by now, the only time Katie is real is when she’s desperately pleading through song to be kept in the competition. Also, her voice is just too weak for this song. It seems that Katie has decided that surviving last week means the public must now be completely on her side, as she implores the audience “Come on! Let’s go!” - This does not result in the eruption of cheering or singing-along that Katie was probably hoping for, although as the camera pulls back to take in the entire X-Factor audience and their complete indifference to her attempts to inspire their participation in the performance, I think I spot someone scratching their face, so I guess that’s better than nothing. Judges! As usual, Dannii gives an honest evaluation and gets booed for it.

Wagner! Part Two! For his second performance, we’re back to vintage Wagner, as he performs Addicted to Love. Or, to be more accurate, Addicted to Loaf. This is the Wagner we love – all googley-eyed, surrounded by adoring womenfolk as he murders every musical note known to man, and a few known only to dogs. The performance ends with 10 of the dancers fetching a bunch of shotguns, pointing them skyward and firing a mass of glitter into the air. Brian Friedman should retire now, because he is never going to best that one. The audience boos. Oh behave, audience. Dannii heralds the return of the Wagner we all know and love – girls, out of tune singing and booing. Simon admits that Wagner is fascinating, as Wagner’s power to tear apart the traditional concepts of sexuality begin to take hold.

Next up is One Dimension’s second performance of the evening. Simon says the idea with the second song is to take away the gimmicks and performance and show that the boys are just good singers. That’s easy to say Simon, but where’s your evidence? I certainly haven’t seen any over the past two months. Oh lord, the huge video screens on-stage have once again been adorned with images of each Bieber’s face staring out with the expression of a wounded, retarded puppy, begging to be mothered and loved. Although for Irish Bieber that’s pretty much constant. They’re singing You Are So Beautiful To Me, accompanied by camera close-ups so tight that it seems like each of them might just step out of the television, into your living room and whisper “If One Direction win, we can be together” into the ears of your daughter/sister/mother. The performance ends with the camera travelling so close to Curly Bieber’s adorable puppy wuppy eyes that I think I’m able to diagnose him with astigmatism. Judges! Louis points out it was not a rock song. Simon retorts “Joe Cocker actually was a rock singer.” Then sticks his fingers in his ears and goes “La la la if a rocker sings a ballad then that ballad is a rock song!”

Mary Tesco is back, doing her first ever upbeat performance number of the show. Mercifully, she hasn’t decided to emulate Matt and wear only a stringy vest. Mary’s singing Brass in Pocket. Does she mean a knuckle-duster? Because I could totally see Mary wearing a knuckle duster and going to town on some knackers who’d stolen from her Tesco. “GIVE IT TO ME” Mary wails, “GIVE IT TO MEEEEEEE”, as I picture a bloodied and bruised fourteen year old handing back a packet of cigarettes and a few cans of Dutch Gold stolen on her watch. Nobody steals from Mary Tesco’s Tesco and gets away with it. Admit it, you can totally picture her as a vigilante superheroine, darting from rooftop to rooftop in pursuit of those who would endanger much-needed retail employment in the current recessionary times. Mary Byrne. Single-handedly saving the economy. Judges! Decide it was vocally not her best but they all love Mary and appreciate the sacrifices she has been making to protect jobs in Tesco.

Sleeping-tablet users rejoice! No need to take your medication tonight, for it’s the second performance from Rebecca Ferguson! Rebecca promises us in the intro video that we’re about to see her fun side, because she’s sick of everyone putting her in a miserable little box. That’s a terrible way to describe Liverpool, Rebecca. It seems that Rebecca’s fun side means “two backing dancers”. Rebecca is singing I Can’t Get No Satisfaction. Similar to One Direction’s warping of the rock theme, Cheryl Cole has decided that singing the Aretha Franklin version of this song still counts as Rock. Despite changing the arrangement of the song to suit Rebecca, she still struggles in some parts, but it is 10% more interesting than the first performance, which means it was about 10% interesting. Judges! All praise her, because they all like Rebecca and are letting that blind them to the fact that she’s so bloody boring.

You know who isn’t boring? Katie Waissel! No other contestant on this show has ever had such a sordid miasma of a background – the Katie Waissel Story has everything; geriatric prostitution, shadowy connections to the production staff and record companies involved in the show, Eastern European crime gangs, Satanic cults, blood sacrifices, name changes, beloved musical numbers from Disney classics, emotional haircuts, forgotten lyrics, Apprentice contestant fuck buddies and arranging Gamu’s deportation. If she could be half as sincere as she is interesting then people might actually like her. Oh well. Katie is singing Everybody Hurts, because it is so meaningful. If only she could understand these complicated emotions that the song makes reference to! It’s a much better performance than her first and much better suited to her voice. And even somewhat emotionally genuine. I guess after sacrificing all those children to Satan, and her grandmother to those gangsters, Katie has learned that everybody does indeed hurt and is thus able to sing with some conviction for once. Judges! Simon rabbits on about how it was good but not long enough.

Matt Cardle! His intro video promises a memorable rendition of a beloved song. Matt is sitting down with a guitar singing Knights in White Satin. As to whether he’s actually playing the guitar or not, your guess is as good as mine. What he definitely does do, however, is probably the best performance of the night, with another of those flawless Matt vocals. There isn’t much to make fun of, because it’s just a damn good performance. If Bieber Squad beat Matt then there is no justice in the world! Judges! Louis compliments the song choice and execution. Cheryl declares it her favourite Matt performance ever and Simon pulls the old “You really made it your own” from the Big Bag of X Factor Clichés.

And performing last, we have Cher Lloyd. Who would always have been performing last tonight, even if she hadn’t been in the bottom two last week. Honestly. Would they do something like this to manipulate people into voting for their Chosen One? Of course not. What do you think the X-Factor production team are, evil or something? Cher is performing Walk This Way, and the only thing surprising about this choice of song is that it has taken until Week 8 for Cher to perform it. The performance is... a big frantic mess. Cher is wearing a tracksuit that makes it look like it was cobbled together from bits of every outfit Big Gay Paije wore during his time on this show (so basically it looks like a rainbow vomited on Cher), and her make-up makes it look like Homer Simpson’s make-up shotgun went off in her face. Twice. There are about fifty dancers on-stage and occasionally pyrotechnics. It’s a bit hard to concentrate on the performance, which is maybe what they were hoping for. I’ll say this much for Cher though – she deserves credit for coming out and performing so confidently, without really whining about being in the bottom two last week. Or maybe the doctor who prescribed whatever mood-lifters they put in her dinner before the show deserve the kudos. Whatever. Judges! Dannii offers more honest appraisal, but let’s ignore that in favour of Simon’s improbable hyperbole. YOU WERE FANTASTIC, CHER. YOU NEVER PLAY IT SAFE, CHER. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU, CHER. YOU’RE AMAZING. Etc.

Results Show

Double elimination tonight, but before we get through that we have to suffer through international superstar Justin Bieber, international superstar Nicole Scherzinger, and Nottingham superstars The Wanted. For the uninitiated, The Wanted, performing first, are like One Direction in 5 years time. There’s a curly headed one, a sallow-skinned one (who is also the Irish one, and has cheek bones you could cut yourself on), two similar looking ones and a skinhead one who shaved his hair off to stick out a bit from the others. One Direction haven’t quite reached that point yet, but my money’s on Inferior Bieber being the one to crack and take razor to hair. The Wanted are singing their new single, Lose My Mind. Well, when I say singing, they’re miming the chorus and singing the verses. Can we give them some credit for that? Partial credit? No. No we can’t.

Then we have the complete and utter horror of the actual Justin Bieiber, no doubt come to have his people reclaim two-fifths of One Dimension for copyright infringement/unauthorised reproduction of his DNA. But while he’s doing that, he might as well promote his recently announced tour, which no doubt led to the deaths of many parents in both the UK and Ireland as they queued in sub-zero temperatures to prove to their children that they loved them by buying tickets to watch a Canadian teengager run about on stage singing songs about being in love with girls in a completely inoffensive handy-holdy way rather than the me-so-horny-when-can-we-ride-ah-c’mon-let’s-get-drunk-and-do-it way. Bieber is miming his entire performance, so I guess we can give The Wanted that partial credit after all. Bieber is also genuinely quite creepy and too wholesome to be true, and makes “call me” motions at Cheryl Cole that make me want to vomit.

Finally, we have occasional X Factor judge Nicole Sherzinger, who will be performing her solo single Poison. Unfortunately, it’s not a cover of the Alice Cooper song, but a rather over-long sub-Gaga number with a somewhat hyperactive performance accompanying it. Scherzinger appears to sing at least 90% of the song live, and in fairness, the bits she possibly mimes are because she’s being held aloft by some dancers, so we can forgive her that. Sorry, The Wanted, gotta take that partial credit from you after all.

Results! The person with the lowest number of votes will leave the competition immediately. The people second and third lowest will battle it out with maces on a tight-rope to decide who will make it into the semi-final. Or possibly just have a sing off. Rebecca is the first one through. Snore. Matt is safe. Yay. Cher is through and some people boo. And finally, unsurprisingly, One Dimension are through. We have a Mary/Wagner/Katie threeway – a terrifying prospect whatever way you cut it. Katie is gone, and is surprisingly gracious in defeat. Probably because having been in a record number of sing-offs you could have bet your first born that she’d be going tonight. Katie stomps off to ponder whether Ebola or Smallpox would be the best way to take her vengeance upon the world., while Mary and Wagner prepare for their sing-off.

Wagner is on first, singing Unforgettable. It is almost in-tune, or at least as in-tune as Wagner can possibly be. It is, dare I say it, almost good. Almost. Mary comes on-stage to sing some song called This Is My Life, which I think she sang before, possibly at judge’s houses. But in this particular sing-off, Mary could probably come on stage and sing the theme tune to Teletubbies and she’d still be through. Judges! We go to Louis first, and unlike Ms Cole when faced with choosing between her acts, he decides to make a choice and saves Mary. Danni saves Mary. Cheryl saves Mary. The judges are all very nice to Wagner and it is a surprisingly dignified exit for a man who made his first live performance urging us all to visit his Loaf Shack while playing the bongos. Fare thee well, Wagner, and all who sail in you.