The Year in Music 2009 - Part 1

Two thousand and nine came to a close, and with it, came the expected glut of reviews-of-the-year. In order to prevent my pop culture retrospective getting lost in the quagmire, I wisely held back on it until February, so that it could be lauded in all its orgasmic glory. That and I thought it was kinda shit so wasn't sure if I should post it. But post I do! Come, mock the mainstream with me. This was the year that was 2009:

January
-Like so many other years, 2009 began with an X-Factor winner perched atop the charts. Alexandra Burke’s cover of Jeff Buckley’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah broke several sales records (digital downloads in a day; fastest selling single by a female performer) but could not withstand the opening onslaught of Gaga, a spiritual and cultural movement that swept the globe in 2009, with charismatic matriarch Lady Gaga at its forefront. Gaga’s first single, Just Dance, kicked Burke off the top spot and remained there for the rest of the month.

-Nubian queen Beyonce Knowles released Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It), a catchy ditty with a video featuring the former Destiny’s Child running around in a leotard with two trannies performing a complex dance routine that inspired thousands of deathly thin homosexuals on YouTube to do the same.

-Look, it was January. Nothing really happens in January.

February
-The return of everyone’s favourite gobby popstrel dominated February, as Lily Allen’s The Fear spent the entire month at number 1.

-The Brit Awards continued their relentless march towards meaninglessness as Duffy swept the board. Yes, that Duffy. The inoffensively bland Welsh girl with the one catchy song who starred in that awful Coca Cola ad.

Girls Aloud also picked up their first Brit after years of being overlooked, no doubt helped by Cheryl Cole’s newfound status as a national treasure. On the other side of the Atlantic, the Grammys were overshadowed by Chris Brown giving Princess RhiRhi a bit of a wallop hours before she was meant to perform. What’s she gonna look like with a chimney on her? This.

March
-Chart-toppers this month included the return of the original American Idol, Kelly Clarkson, with My Life Would Suck Without You; Flo Rida scoring a hit by doing something completely unheard of in modern hip-hop by heavily sampling a hit from the 80s and Lady Gaga with the outrageously catchy Poker Face. Even the self-appointed guardians of taste at NME had to admit they loved it.

-Following the success of Slumdog Millionaire, the Pussycat Dolls re-released Jai Ho (featured on the film’s soundtrack) and the album Doll Domination. Then the band completely imploded as The Four Who Aren’t Nicole Scherzinger took umbrage with the fact that the re-release (as well as a fairly successful camp-as-tits euro-pop remix of Hush Hush) was titled “Pussycat Dolls featuring Nicole Sherzinger”. The promotional efforts ground to a halt and the rest of the year was a quiet one for a group who had released approximately 2,584 singles in 2008, save for the occasional Twitter-war between the group’s founder and some of the non-Scherzinger Dolls. Unfortunately, they are expected to return in 2010 as Nichole Scherzinger feat. 4 New Girls Who Aren’t The Original Four But Are Now The Pussycat Dolls. Be afraid.

April
-The ludicrously named Tinchy Strider became the first of a triumvirate of East Londahn urban lyricists who abandoned all traces of their supposed underground credibility to take a shot at mainstream success in 2009. The others were Dizzee Rascal and *sigh* “Chipmunk”. Strider’s submission to the throbbing cock of commercial tunage was underscored by his (record company’s) decision to record with N-Dubz, the chavtastic trio who gave us the following unforgettable lyric in their senses shattering musical odyssey from 2008, Ouch:

I’m on the second floor, I’m opening the door, I could not brace myself for what I saw, Who’s this woman in my bed? “Name’s Shaniquah and what?” NAAAAAAH! Get the hell off of my baby!

Actually, the best thing to do is bask on the glory of the video itself below.


Amazing.

-La Roux’s In for the Kill warbled around in the Top 5 for most of the month, taking itself far too seriously in the process. Let your hair down, woman! Anyone that dedicated to resurrecting the 80s shouldn’t be so po-faced.

-Miley Cyrus’s brother, “Trace”, released Shake It with his band Metro Station; officially the ugliest boyband of the Noughties. Shake It was and remains ubiquitous on the radio and the high point for the group was no doubt when the marketing geniuses at Reid Furniture decided to re-record it as “Save It” to advertise their Xmas sales. It is estimated that Miley Cyrus’s fame decreased by .05% due to her brother’s vampire-like leeching of her stardom.

May
-Tinchy and the Chavs spent the first few weeks of May at number one, until Fergie and her lady lumps (and the rest of the Black Eyed Peas) came along and hoisted them off with Boom Boom Pow. Unforgettable lyric alert: “I’m so 3008, you so 2000 and late”. Philosophers continue to debate precisely what that searingly insightful piece of modern poetry might mean.

--The Eurovision Song Contest took place in Moscow. The United Kingdom had their best showing in a number of years thanks to a song written by Sir Andrew Lloyd Frogman and performed by Jade Ewen, an aspiring popstar who found her way on to the BBCs Song for Europe programme through rather dubious and never-fully-explained means, having not been one of the many hundreds of auditionees. Norway eventually won thanks to the way a twink from Eastern European gay porn was able to pluck at his strings.

-Eminem released a new album, Relapse. For some reason it was a quiet year for Marshall Mathers, who usually releases new music to a chorus of hype, outrage and the worship of every man under 30 with his Adidas tracksuit bottoms tucked into his socks. Perhaps the world just hasn’t forgiven him for unleashing 50 “I let you lick my lollipop... it’s a metaphor for my cock, you see” Cent on us.

June
-Michael Jackson died and nothing else happened in the world for 3 weeks as a result. Kay Burley and other newscasters got a nice long holiday to Los Angeles as they updated us on every twist and turn in the not-really-that-twisty saga. The death of Jacko saw a surge in album sales and single downloads; in the weeks following his death from paedophilia, a massive 28 songs entered the Top 100, led by little known Man in the Mirror. It tapped into the zeitgeist you see. The zeitgeist of YOU CAN’T JUDGE HIM NOW THAT HE’S DEAD. One of many hilarious moments on Sky News saw the 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse, Ms Burley, ask an 8 year old who had probably never heard of Jacko before his death how upset he was. The wise-beyond-his-years child sagely replied “It is a terrible loss but we’ll always have his music. No one can ever take that away from us.”

-The funeral of Jacko was of course a very subdued affair, with a minimum of ostentatiousness. Assembled stars battled one another vocally for the opportunity to steal the show, knowing that hundreds of millions would be watching. However, it was Mickey’s... “daughter” Paris, who captured the limelight with an emotional tribute to her father that left Mariah Carey fuming. It was meant to be her moment, dammit.