The X-Factor 2011: Week 8 - Results

It’s the results show! With special guests Olly Murs and Jessie J! Oh, we’re really scraping the barrel now, aren’t we? We’re zooming along this week. I barely have time to make sure that the scowl of horror I wear each week when watching this show is properly affixed, and we’re already on to Olly Murs and his musical performance. Oh, and the Muppets? The Muppets? Are they promoting their new film that isn’t being released in Europe until February 2012? Excellent timing, Disney. So Animal is on the drums (of course), Fozzie is on bass and a curious looking new muppet descends from the ceiling in some contraption and proceeds to dance about on-stage singing badly and... oh, it’s Olly Murs. What, you thought just because that joke was obvious I was going to avoid making it? This is actually the most bizarre thing ever. Perhaps they felt that the only way to make Olly interesting when his trousers aren’t so tight that they’re cutting off the circulation to his brain is to add an elaborate performance involving some of the world’s most beloved puppets. When Olly Murs looks back on his career (some time next year when he’s invariably dropped by SyCo) I really have no idea whether he’ll consider this a high point or a low point. Performance over, Olly chats with Dermot and then strokes Miss Piggy’s leg. The actual Miss Piggy. Not Jesy from Little Mix. Olly looks confused when Miss Piggy doesn’t react. I don’t think he realises that as she’s made out of felt she can’t actually feel it when he squeezes her thigh.

Before you can say mahnah mahnah (doo doo doo doo doo), we’re on to the interminable recap. Remember when Janet sang Mmbop last night? No, neither do I, because she didn’t sing it so much as sway about on-stage as the music played. We zip through the interminable recap at light-speed this week. Does this mean I can’t call it the interminable recap any more? And we’re straight on to Jessie J. Two performances and the interminable recap, with no adverts thus? Are the producers feeling okay? This is all very strange; normally the concept of an ad break is used as a punctuation mark between sentences on this show. As Jessie J sings her latest dirge, which is the song that Misha B sang a few weeks ago in the sing-off, I keep thinking that a light fitting is going to fall accidentally and injure her to prevent her taking up her place as a judge on the BBC’s forthcoming potential X-Factor rival, The Voice. Then I remember every single BBC Saturday evening reality show of the past 15 years and realise that ITV don’t need to do anything to sabotage the competition, the Beeb will manage that all by themselves. Jessie J is a screechy mess who spends the duration of this song beating every note in the song to death with all the other notes that hang around it. Dermot and Jessie chitchat and mentions several times how much the song means to her because she wrote it herself and she’s so credible and an artist and BUY HER ALBUM. 

Ah, an ad break. I feel much better now. Everything has been set right with the world. The reason for the ridiculous pace of tonight’s show becomes apparent as Dermot introduces a short film about the work of the charity benefitting from this year’s X-Factor Charity Single™. Yes, it’s that awkward moment when the X-Factor does something for a good cause and I can’t say anything cruel about it, because the charity they’ve chosen is one that helps dying children. Damn, that’s just completely bullet-proof. Unlike last year’s charity, which helped injured soldiers. The short film ends and without much fanfare we’re straight into the performance of Wishing on a Star. Oh look, there's Kitty. They actually let her back into the building? They’re never going to get rid of her. The only reason they got her out the last time was because she went for a drink with Lady Gaga, an object of fervent religious worship for Kitty. And the gays. I can’t tell which lineup The Risk are using for this autotuned, lip-synched mess, but I’m going to assume the band now consists of four random people who visited the ITV website, got a pop-up saying “Would you like to be in a mediocre boyband?” and clicked Yes in the hope that they’d end up replacing Irish Bieber in One Direction. Oh, speak of the talentless devil, there he is! Yes, just when you thought the stage couldn’t get any more packed, they wheel in JLS and One Dimension to sing the last 8 seconds of the song. Just keep telling yourself it’s for a good cause. Dermot excitedly announces that The Chancellor has decided to waive the VAT on the single so that all proceeds go to charity. Hooray for the Chancellor! Unfortunately, the VAT on the XFactor Charity Single would’ve saved several thousand public sector employees. Boo for the Chancellor!

O FORTUNA! It’s actual results time. The contestants swagger on-stage following a quick change of outfit from their charity single clothes to their potential elimination clothes. Kat Slater appears to be wearing something from Ann Summers. I didn’t realise they had a Junior Miss Slapper line. In no particular order, and padded out as much as Dermot possibly can, because he’s only got three names to call out are Amelia, Marcus and Little Kandy Girl Lash. Thank god Little Mix got through, Tulisa actually looked like she was going to vomit while waiting for that announcement. Speaking of vomit, when Dermot asks Kelly how she feels about having two of her acts in the bottom two, she says that she’s feeling very sick. Oh fuck, she’ll be on a plane to LA within the hour in that case.

First up is Janet. Doing her Janet thing that she does, in her own Janet way that she knows how to do. This usually means forgetting the lyrics, these days. Janet’s song for survival is Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars. Oh Janet, you don’t need to chase cars. Brendan will pick you up in his hearse. It’s pleasant and better than anything else she’s sung recently. Though anyone I spoke to about it afterwards hated it, so maybe I just like the sound of funereal keening. That should be the name of Janet’s first album, I think. That or Drowning in Formaldehyde. 

Misha is up next. She has decided to sing a song for survival, despite the fact that she could just stand there doing her evil Misha laugh for 2 minutes and the judges would still choose to send Janet home instead. Misha’s performance is vocally strong but fairly bland. Poor Misha. You’re awesome, but no one will vote for you. Why is that? Oh right, the bully thing. Whoops. 

Louis Walsh is first up. This week Louis has decided that he’s basing his decision on yesterday’s performances. As with all the judges, criteria governing the decision of who to eliminate seems to change every week. Sometimes it’s the sing-off alone. Soemtimes it’s yesterday’s performances. Sometimes it’s based on “potential to be a recording artist”. Sometimes it’s based on how hard Louis wants to bone them. Other times it's based on whether or not their name is an anagram of something the judge likes. What’s the point of the bloody sing-off if it has no effect on the elimination? Anyway, Louis sends Janet home. Tulisa sends Janet home. Kelly Rowland sobs and sniffles and wipes her non-existent tears unconvincingly until Dermot reminds her that if she refuses to make a decision, The Cheryl Cole Solution will come into effect. The Cheryl Cole Solution states that in the event of a judge refusing to choose between her own act because she’s frightened the public will think she’s a bitch for doing so, then the act with the most votes from the other judges will go home. Kelly says a silent prayer of thanks to St. Cheryl and decides to enact X-Factor precedent and avoid making a decision. She also gives Dermot a blowjob for reminding her of the ability to abstain. Janet’s farewell video reminds us of the quiet little blonde girl who was tragically slain by Biscuitman before being reanimated by the producers in a dark voodoo ritual to avoid the controversy of harbouring a serial killing biscuit maker. 

Next week, it’s Semi-Final time. Last year’s semi-final was where they decided to change the rules to ensure Mary Tesco was eliminated; so I can’t wait for next week’s shock Everyone-Who-Isn’t-Named-Misha-B-Is-Out twist. Oh, and Kelly Rowland will be performing on the results show, too, providing she isn’t in LA with another “cold” or busy tweeting photos to Beyoncé captioned “Me & Misha hanging out. U jelly?”.