The X-Factor 2011: Week Two - THE RESULTS

We open tonight, as ever, with a recap of yesterday’s show that goes on for about 3 hours, followed by the return of the horrendous group song! It is, of course, horrendous. Our heroes perform that Hello! song by Martin Solvig and Dragonette. As with all group songs, it is both lip-synced and auto-tuned. You’d imagine that auto-tune is meant to make someone sound better. Try telling that to Frankie, who still manages to sound like heroin needles being dragged across a chalkboard. They make the huge mistake of giving him one of the “Hello-oh-oh-oh-oh” parts, which results in patented Frankie vowel over-enunciation on each of the Oh sounds. Thanks for that.

Moving swiftly on, it’s time for our first time-wasting performance designed to pad out the show so that we can have extra time for voting money to come in and an additional ad break. Please welcome... The Wanted. Er... whatever. The Wanted sing and it’s all very bland and middle of the road. The judges respond with a standing ovation, because the Head Judge is Gary Barlow and if anyone embodies the qualities of bland and middle of the road, it is he. If you look closely during the standing ovation, you can see Kelly Rowland asking Gary who the hell The Wanted are. You can also see Louis asking which one is the inevitable gay one.

Katy Perry is up next. I love these intro videos. FIVE NUMBER ONES. FIFTY QUINTILLION ALBUMS SOLD ACROSS FOURTEEN PLANETS SPREAD ACROSS THREE GALAXIES. ONE ABSOLUTE PANCREAS OF A HUSBAND. Katy sings about the one who got away. “We made out in your Mustang and listened to Radiohead” she warbles. Katy Perry has never listened to Radiohead. “I was dreaming you were my Johnny Cash” she continues. Katy Perry has never listened to Johnny Cash. At no points do glitter, fireworks, cream or flames erupt from her tits, so I guess this makes it a subdued performance. Dermot and Katy chinwag and she tries to do a Liverpudlian accent. The impression is as bad as that impression of a singer she’s been doing for the past number of years. Confession time: I actually love her song ET. Fuck off.

Judges and Contestants line up for the verdict. I’m glad to see they’ve discontinued the stupid practice of having the contestants wear the same clothes they wore the night before. As usual, we get the contestants who are safe listed at a tediously slow pace and “in no particular order” except that designed to maximise shock. The Risk are safe. Tulisa’s risk paid off! She took a tisk on the risk and her risk was rewarded! Janet is dressed as though she’s in mourn... oh. Yeah. Janet is safe. Biscuitman is safe and contorts his face to indicate joy. It is frightening and I shall never sleep soundly again. Misha B and Sonia Fowler Horse are safe. Good, because Sonia looked like she was about to puke with worry. Rhythmic Kandy Girl-Lash are through, so I guess the curse of the girlband has been broken. Dull Sophie and Queen Kitty are safe, leaving us with Marcus, Frankie Headlouse and Nu Vibe. Marcus, who looks like he’s about to die, is safe. Nu Vibe and Frankie Skidmark are the bottom two! FRANKIE IS IN THE BOTTOM TWO. There is a god, and he did not vote for Frankie. Just like a significant portion of the public.

Ads and then we’re back for the sing-off. First up are Nu Vibe, “singing” Promise This. I’m told by a confirmed homosexual that tonight’s show is actually exactly one year since St Cheryl performed this tune herself on the results show. So let’s take a moment to remember Cheryl and everything she did for us during 3 years as a judge. Done. The first Nu Viber starts singing. Oh Jesus my ears. The second Nu Viber starts singing. Oh Jesus my ears. This is an insult to the memory of Cheryl Cole. It’s flat and horrible and out of tune and my brains are actually pouring out of my ears from listening to it. The audience applaud enthusiastically, because the audience are fucking morons.

Gary introduces Frankie Fleabag with “I can’t believe I’m saying this” as though Frankie were some world-class talent and this is a huge affront to music. This is the same Gary who last week was quite direct about the fact that Frankie CANNOT FUCKING SING. Tonight, Frankie will be slime-balling his way through Daniel Merriweather’s Red. You know how Daniel Merriweather has a pretty good voice, whatever about the quality of his songs? Well, Frankie doesn’t. He shuffles about on stage looking like someone who was on his way to a Noel Fielding cosplay convention and got lost. Words dribble out of Frankie, none of them particularly in tune, and then he concludes. Somewhere in the UK, Daniel Merriweather is suffering from a migraine and doesn’t know why.

Over to the judges so we can get to the foregone conclusion that they’re sending Nu Vibe home and saving Frankie Portacabin. Gary keeps going on about the shock that is Frankie’s placing in the bottom two. Fuck off, you plank. Unsurprisingly, Gary saves heroin-den-boy. Kelly Rowland doesn’t seem to realise that this part of the show is where Judges’ draw things out and spin things a certain way and instead just stammers variations on the words “Ah don’t know” and “Ah can’t” before eventually deciding the send Nu Vibe home. Tulisa obviously picks Frankie, and Louis, ever keen to make the most of his moment, eventually, after about 10 minutes of getting to the point, decides to send Nu Vibe home as well.

In discussion with Dermot, Nu Vibe don’t even try to pretend they’ll be sticking together after this, and save us all from experiencing that awkward moment where an eliminated X-Factor contestant says “this isn’t the last you’ll see of me!”.